Found out son isn't mine?

Hello... im new here i know its late but i really am in need of help

i've Been with my girlfriend for 3 years (known here for 5 years). We have always been very happy together but I recently found out that her 3 year old son is not mine. my suspicions when he was born. he has blue eyes now I have met most of my girlfriends family and NONE of them have blue eyes and NONE of my family have blue eyes as well. This kept eating away at me and I decided to get a dna test and i discovered his not my son. I was so mad and hurt by this so I put the results on her bed and I have been staying at a hotel until I can figure out what to do. She cheated on me and lied to me in the worst way its been 5 days since I found out and I just don't know what to do... I feel like such a loser.. I feel like i'm less of a man

She called me from a blocked number today begging me to come back home and at least see her son because his been crying asking were his "daddy" is
Updates:
Part of me wants to leave and cut all connection from both of them... but I can't tell if that's just my anger talking
When I asked her she said that she knew I wasn't the father right away because the man she cheated with has blue eyes... she was just to scared to tell me because she knew I would leave her and she wants to marry me

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Most Helpful Girl

  • As much as it is Killing you inside, whatever happened '3 years' ago is in the past, and for what it is worth----She let sleeping dogs lie dormant up to now. You have this marvelous child, you've all been a Family, and they Both love you so much. And until now, the three of you were this happy family, loving and bonding and it was just like a fairy tale ending. Only it Didn't have----This fairytale ending that should have never turned this page.
    Yes, she lied to you, she kept it from you, because she was afraid of losing you. And if she had come clean with the cheat sheet deal before, would anything have changed even then?
    Take some alone time, you need this to do some serious soul searching. I realize as of now, it will be very hard to reach out to her again, love her again, trust her anymore. I sympathize with you 100 percent. This little pup is in the doghouse, and she made a Big mistake and now has to pay the pied piper for the rest of her life.
    I do believe, that when things have calmed down some, you Both need to have a long talk, soul mate to soul mate. If not for Her sake, make it for your son's sake, and what's More, this little boy will always consider YOU his daddy, no one else.
    If you feel there is no hope, that you cannot ever forgive her, then do what is best for your own good. But make sure you take into consideration this little soul who never asked for this, asked to be born, for no matter what, he will always pull at your tender loving heart strings.
    Might I also suggest counseling for you and your girlfriend. It may be a road you would need to take. A beautiful life has been shattered here, and somewhere sometime, I feel this Can be worked out, with love and compromise, rebuilding what may Not be totally lost.
    Depending on your relationship with her, for you have known her a long time, you decide if she is worth it, if making a go of it is something you can deal with, live with... It's your choice now.
    God bless. xx

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Most Helpful Guy

  • These women are being hypocrites claiming you are the dad. If the child's real father was on here, they would be claiming his DNA was what made him a father and bound him to the child forever. Once that becomes inconvenient for them, they switch their story. It shows just how afraid women are of men leaving if the man finds out the truth. Which shows how many of them actually cheat.

    1 out of every 10 men has been tricked like you. The other 9 men are raising kids that often the mother has no idea if he is the father or not. This is why women think it is so important for you to stay and help the kid. A lot of these women could end up in the same situation one day.

    You won't be hurting this child by leaving, that blame lies solely on her for cheating and lying. You are not, the father, and never will be. His mother lied to him about who his father is, and denied him a chance to know his real dad. You are not the bad guy for leaving. Your girl is the one completely at fault. It is the consequences of what your girl did that will hurt this kid. She is the one hurting you and the child.

    For the rest of your life you will look at this kid, and see another man staring back at you. Your girl clearly isn't looking out for your happiness you have to look out for yourself. I would cut your connection to both of them. Even if you signed something saying you were the father, is is much easier to walk away from now, than it use to be. A DNA test should be all you need. Contact a lawyer and talk about what your options are in your area.

    If you really want to remain a part of this child's life that is up to you, but don't let these women make you feel guilty. It isn't your fault. 100% of the blame lies with the woman.

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    • I knew the idea of a man not being able to be enslaved by another mans child would upset the women on here. They really are power hungry. That is why a DNA test should be mandatory at birth. Women for some reason oppose that idea. I wonder why women don't like that idea if they have nothing to hide?

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    • The laws have changed so they aren't as bad as they use to be, but he does need to see a lawyer to find out about what his options are in his area. Depending on where he lives, he may be able to walk away, if not, I would still advice cutting all social contact with that family.

    • I'm not aware of any changes in any laws that have improved a situation like the one described here. Of course every jurisdiction is independent and the requirements on a man to establish or disprove paternity vary widely, but every major case I've seen lately has pushed further in the direction of ignoring evidence and denying any meaningful process in order to ensure that no woman can ever be left entirely responsible for her own unilateral choices.

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Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 15

  • I know it hurts and it is pissing you off, but you have to think of the kid who grew up having you by his said calling you daddy, he does not know that, so I would say don't punish the poor little guy. Its the gf fault so what you can do is have talk with her, with what happened, find out who is the dad and the reason why she hid it from you and not got to the real father of the kid.

    Hate her but still love the kid! you are the ONLY father he knows! :)

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    • She knows who the real dad is she didn't want to tell me cause she was to scared and because she clams she wants to marry me and for use to be a family even though she cheated

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    • @srslyly - while legal protection is important, his question did not mention law, but did question feelings relating to the kid. And the well being and feelings of a child are certainly important considerations; more important than your sarcasm. Attacking people who consider feelings seems to be a trend of yours in this thread. @FeelMyLoveBaby addressed the issues of the question very well.

    • @Red_Arrow
      No matter how good it makes you feel to know that you're just thinking about the poor kid's feelings, or to distract from the issue by pointing at me, that doesn't change the law. Only legal parents have the right to custody or visitation. Meanwhile noncustodial legal parents have the obligation of child support. Being forced into child support without ever seeing the kid again is a very real possibility for this guy. Continuing to be a part of the kid's life without being forced to pay child support is not. Half the opinions in this thread are completely divorced from reality.

  • What she did is really bad, and the betrayal feeling...
    do you still see a future with her? It is hard to live and be with a cheater tbh, but i not sure how much u love her..
    for myself , i would breka off with her
    you need a few more days to think about your decision, once u make up ur mind please meet up with her and trash things out

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    • No I can't see myself with a cheater

    • then u know the next step is to communicate with her. i always that no matter how good or bad news is , i would want a closure.

  • People on this question have pissed me off royally! I just want to re-sum up for people who clearly haven't understood.

    . She cheated on you
    . Lied to you
    . Had another man's baby
    . Tricked you into raising it as your own
    . Had no intention of telling you until after marriage (or ever)

    Yeaaaaah... In my books this makes her a cheating worthless piece of shit and you're the victim. Yes this child is a casualty of her lies, he may well be upset, but that is not your problem.

    The only thing I will say it if you already haven't call a lawyer there's been a few cases in USA where a non biological dad has been made to pay child support despite not being the baby's biological dad.

    But seriously fuck that bitch. She is not worth what you did for her and I hope her and her bastard child enjoy the life that was made by her lies.

    Good luck dude, you may need it.

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    • @heatherjaney It is appalling that any man, let alone four down voted you for that statement. Regardless, well stated.

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    • Finally some straight up no bullshit advice!

    • I feel soooo bad for the kid... but QA can't actually fix that. If he and the mother split, he will likely have to pay support, but not have custody. Right now the boy thinks of him as daddy, but if the mother moves on remarries, will he always? It's assuming a hell of a lot to think 20 years from now the kid will think that his mother's ex who he doesn't remember living with at all is his 'real dad'.

  • As far as he knows, you're his dad! You have a right to be angry with your girlfriend, but don't take it out on an innocent kid. Being a dad is a lot more than knocking some chick up. Your contribution to your son's life is what makes you his dad.

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    • And by don't take it out on the kid, you mean make support payments to the woman who lied to him? Or are you unaware of how the law works?

    • No, I mean stay in his life. Or are you unaware of the basic needs of a developing toddler?

    • Maybe you're unaware that only legal parents have the legal right to access to their children, and that noncustodial parents have legally enforced child support obligations. Paying support and not seeing the kid is a likely outcome for this guy if he follows your advice. Staying in the kid's life without ending up obligated to pay support is a remote possibility at best no matter what he does, and would happen only at the woman's whim.

  • Honestly the choice is yours. Though you've raised the kid for 3 years to technically he is your son emotionally.

    Legality is a different story, if you signed the birth certificate, it is the equivilant cosigning a loan. You legally bonded yourself to the responsibility of that child. However I do believe there is a loophole where if a man is not legally the father he has 5 years to unclaim the child.

    You don't have to stay with your girlfriend. You could still be a father to your son.

    Or you can cut the both out of your life completely.

    Or you could stay a family.

    None of those decisions would be wrong.

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    • *If a man is not biologically the father.

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    • Here's the problem about people who won't pay child support (or at least part of the problem). Family law is civil law, not criminal, but failure to pay child support is a crime. If you get a lot of traffic tickets and refuse to appear in court, you can put off paying all the fines they put on you for a long time, as ling as you don't plan on having any professional licenses or being a respected person in your community. Same with child support. If you don't care what happens on paper, they won't do anything about you, but if you have anything they can take away on paper, they can immobilize you, and will do so as soon as you fall behind. (even if your circumstances change and you deserve an adjustment to your payment)

    • That is riddiculous and very counter productive to the whole reason behind child support.

  • https://youtu.be/M37HHf099oM

    do what the man says

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  • I feel so bad for you and completely understand. Its not your fault so don't you ever feel like less of a man. I don't know if I would stay with her, that's up to you.. but if you are that babys "daddy" (even though not literally) don't cut communication from him because that only hurts him and it is really not the babys fault at all! All its doing is hurting that boy so even if you decide to part with her, at least don't cut off from the boy. Best of luck!

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  • "Anyone Can Be A Father But It Takes A Real Man To Be A Dad".
    Is up to you to decide whether or not you still want to be part of this family. I feel bad for the baby he is the innocent here and you. Good luck.

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    • It's sort of not up to him. If the mother decides no at ANY point unless he's actually adopted the kid, he'll likely lose custody.

      He will however still have to pay child support.

    • Hmmm too bad for him then. I think is unfair to make him pay for child support when a Dna test can prove that he is not the real father..

  • She cheated on you so you should break up with her. Block her number. Maybe sue her for all the money you spent on her son thinking it was yours.

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  • I heard they have a fucked up legal system in the West where they suck you dry even if you're not the father. Just do your best to get out of owing that lying bitch money and please don't dump the kid. So many boys grow up without fathers and it is damaging to them.

    They turn into sissies.
    I know this sounds like joking, but any guy raised by his mum alone, I have ever met has been more weird, effeminate and bitter at the female sex than a guys raised with a father. Don't dump the little guy if you can't find his real dad. But please try to get your ex to admit who she fucked, maybe his real father would like to choose be in his life, but he doesn't know the kid exists.

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    • Sons grow up better without fathers, because they don't get subjected to physical and emotional abuse.

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    • Women are abusers as well, only they aren't strong enough to beat anyone, but they find ways. What you got there is horrible misconception warped by personal experience and feminist propaganda.

    • Oh, I see, you are anti-feminist? It explains a lot.

  • I absolutely agree with your anger for your girlfriend; that was an incredibly disrespectful and underhand thing she did. But the person who's hurting just as badly as you is the kid, probably more so, because you're the only father figure he's known and you just up and disappeared. Kids at that age worry that you leaving may have somehow been their fault, that you don't love them anymore or something. He may not be yours biologically, but to him, you're his dad. So please, be mad at your girlfriend, but be there for the innocent child.

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    • Yeah, it's pretty fucked up what that bitch did to this guy, without the least regard to the harm it might cause her own child.

    • I agree. Whatever her reasoning may have been at the time, she lied horribly to this guy, and that is inexcusable. Either way, it sounds like a good time for him to get a lawyer and see what his options are.

  • Soo.. what's your final decision? And are you going to keep your name on his birth certificate? Are you going to be apart of his life? You're still young so I suggest you find someone who is faithful and loyal. Just start a new life with someone special.

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  • That's low as hell. It'd be hard to forgive.

    I'd suggest getting a lawyer if you awknowledged him legally as your child. The rest you can work out in time and it's all up to you.

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    • No I don't acknowledge him as my child

    • Not on the birth certificate?

    • Yes I am

  • Wow terrible situation. First of all you are not a looser and should not feel like your less of a man. This woman has nothing to do with your manhood. Your raising a kid that is not yours. That's a man. But honestly, I wouldn't marry her. Sounds like she isn't worthy of you. The child is young. Don't feel bad. Move on from it. Going into a marriage like that would be a bad decision

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    • I'm not going to marry her. I was only saying what she said

  • Well that sucks. But please don't take it out on the child. Like it or not, you ARE the father figure he knows. To him, you ARE his dad. Take how messed up you are right now and multiply it by like 10 and that's how messed up a messy break up will make that kid.

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    • Yeah, it's pretty fucked up what that bitch did to this guy, without the least regard to the harm it might cause her own child.

What Guys Said 20

  • This situation is quite simple my man. While I can understand you still, very likely, have an attachment to the situation, what was done to you was appalling and unforgettable. You may be able to, down the line, forgive the woman but to forget it? You simply won't be able to and you know what? You would be in the right.

    The sheer audacity and disrespect she showed you by her choice to both cheat on you and then allow you to live a lie is so despicable it is almost difficult to put it into words. My suggestion is thus simple:

    Forget about every other factor and focus on yourself and ask yourself "do I want this woman in my life and can I trust her?" Since the answer is going to be a resounding "no" you remove yourself from the situation immediately, cut all contact, and leave it at that. The bottom line is you were disrespected so immensely by this that there just is little to no way you will ever live a fulfilling and happy life for yourself unless you totally remove yourself from the situation.

    I wish you the best of luck and truly hope you can do this extremely quickly. She lost any and all privileged to both you and everything you bring to the table the moment she betrayed you in the manner she did. Do yourself a favor and think of nothing else but the facts, do not fall for any bologna as she has already proven herself to lie and simply get rid of the situation in totality.

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  • Look bro, in the 5 years you have known her & in the 3 that you guys have been romantically involved I would like to think you guys had a good deal amount of trust & communication in this said relationship correct? Well somewhere in those years she basically shitted on you & gave birth to another man's child. Why should you pick up the slack, responsibility of some other guy? Do you have pride? Dignity, or to put it blatantly, any balls (no disrespect just trying to put things in perspective via my POV)? I think you do bro otherwise you wouldn't have gotten the DNA test am I right? She fucked up, not you! If she was truly honest & even gave two fucks about you as a man then she should have been up front about what she did & more importantly why she did it. That should have been the least she could do. Maybe, & this is a huge freaking maybe you could have forgiven her, & left her, maybe you two could have worked things out, or maybe you guys would have broken up & parted ways, this in my opinion would have been best. Now that there's this child, another man's child not yours mind you & now she wants to marry you? What logical sense does that make? She gets to go fuck around get pregnant behind your back no less and then have you invest emotional, physical and quite possibly a huge sum of financial investment into strategically planned out notion to where you become the simp to her & father to the child just because what she knows you'd do the right thing, your a good person or more predictably because you might actually have loved this girl. She lied to you, disrespected you by making you look like a fool to both sides of the family & now she's asking for something more meaning marriage? Get The Fuck Outta Here with that BULLSHIT! Grab all your belongings and leave this dumb hoe you DESERVE better bro!

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    • HAHAHA only a simp would have down voted me! Really, I would have preferred you leave me a comment coward!

  • Did you sign anything acknowledging paternity at the time of birth? If so, she owns you. If not, you might have a chance to get out, but the sooner you get a lawyer the better.

    To anyone who says that this will hurt the little boy, yes, I agree that it was a horrible and selfish thing this woman did without regards to her own children's feelings.

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    • People telling you to stay in his life but stay away from her are living in a dream world. Her legal right to extract money from a man is sacrosanct. You have ZERO rights in this situation. You can be the guy who pays that money and maybe see the kid, or you can keep your money and have a chance to start over. (depending on whether you signed anything and the laws in your jurisdiction. Your preference is legally irrelevant)

  • If I was in your position, the suspicions would prevent me from loving the kid so It wouldn't be that hard to leave them.

    I say you leave her. She cheated, these hoes ain't loyal. Consider the following.

    1) There's a good chance she'll cheat again.
    2) What if you decide to stay with them and you get attached to the kid and for some reason she decided to leave you. She has full custody of the kid and you'll never see him again.

    But then again, that's none of my business.

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  • There is more to being a father or a son than genetics.

    Try to put aside being hurt. (yea I know it's easier said than done). Do you love the child? Does the child love you? The love of a child is probably the warmest feeling a person can experience in their lifetime. Is your heart big enough to accept that love? If you close your heart what will that do to you?

    Give it some time and keep your options open for now.

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    • Legally, his options close on their own if he fails to act.

  • Are you listed as the father on the birth certificate? I'm just wondering if she's committing paternity fraud here...

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  • its really up to you dude. I mean, you can still help her son out without being her boyfriend, or living with her. The kid isn't your responsibility, but I wouldn't blame you for still wanting to help. But i think it would be a bad idea to continue living with this woman

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  • She wanna marry u but than cheat on u? Seems legit LOL! Dat bish wants dem white boi wif blue eyes and blonde hair. She ain't luv u nor loyal to u either. Dump her azz off with all those lies. I know i'd be hurt perrty badly. A cheater can't be forgiven..

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  • I'm sorry man, that really sucks. At this point, you owe her nothing, the boy isn't yours and she betrayed your trust for 3 years. I bet there is a way better woman who doesn't cheat who is just waiting for you. Keep your chin up bro. :)

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  • These hoes ain't loyal. Cut contact with her and try again with someone new. Just be glad the kid isn't yours so you're not forced to see a cheating ex for the rest of your life. You aren't obligated to be in the kids life unless you want to, she's the one who has fucked up her kids chances of having a dad, not you.

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  • @staciebee and anonymous is right. I would cut ties with her but remain in the kids life. What matters is he sees you as his dad. Anyone can be a father but being a dad takes heart.

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  • In my personal Opinion take it for what it's worth, he may not be your son but you are the only dad he has ever known just remember that. i'm not saying stay with her, I wouldn't, but I wouldn't hurt him.

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  • He's three years old. He will get over it. How much do you remember from 3 years old. If he was past 5 years old I would say this is a huge deal. It is her who is hurting her son not you. Gaud, I can't stand women like that. Can you imagine what he will think of his mom as an adult when he puts it all together? It is her who needs to correct the situation. She should have came 100% totally clean with you and told you exactly what happened and why it happened... but she didn't. She is a horrible soul for living the lie like that when she knew the whole time that wasn't your son. Remember that she did not tell you this on her own. You had to go pay for a dna test. She is not a liar, she's evil to be able to live that kind of lie.

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  • He looks at you as his dad. Why break his heart? Cut ties with her, but stay in your son's life.

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    • I don't have a son. But thank you for your advice

    • You raised him like he was.

    • Im not gonna argue with you but Of course I did because I thought he was mine.

  • There was a documentary on TV recently that claimed that about 25% of children in Australia were calling the wrong man "daddy".
    Morally, what she and the real father have done to you amounts to fraud and theft by deception. If there was any justice in this world, you should be able to sue them for any costs you incurred and also for pain and suffering.
    Don't expect justice from the legal system. She might be able to sue the real father for child support for those 3 years, but I doubt you'd get any of it.
    It's time to start shooting women who do this, because the legal system will do nothing. Where there is injustice from government and the legal system, there will be revolution.

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  • I would sue her for every dollar you can. You have been cuckolded and that shit is not cool.

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  • She really is a callous individual and I wish her nothing but the very worst in life, she's absolute filth.

    However, there is an innocent child in all of this and although he is not biologically your Son, emotionally you care about this child and perhaps you may want to remain in contact with him, but if you feel that you just cannot do this because it's too hard or too much for you to handle then that's understandable.

    But please do not feel like less of a man, do not feel as though any of this your fault, please remain strong and under no circumstances do I recommend you go back to this person.

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  • That's a bail out situation my friend.

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  • So what? It's not the reason to betray and leave your family. Man up.

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    • Their not my family

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    • definitely don't see a future with her because she cheated and lied to me so i don't see a future with her.

    • Betray and leave the family? She cheated and lied about it, she's the one who has betrayed him. Why should this guy who has done nothing wrong "Man Up" for someone else's child? I think the guy who fathered the baby should "Man Up".

  • Just fohget about it and forgive and all that shit.

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