My boyfriend takes care of a kid that's not his ?

[PleaseHelp73109]

Okay, I need advice. I'm madly in love with my boyfriend but the fact that he is taking responsibility for a kid that isn't his is driving me crazy. I just think of it this way, I believe it's not fair to me or the children we have alrdy. I have a kid from a previous relationship and so does he. I don't see why we have to take care of a child who doesn't belong to either of us. That's one more mouth to feed, extra holiday money, etc. The mother of the child is insane I just don't see why he would wanna be attached to her, the mother, if he doesn't have to. I don't understand why he wants to be totally involved w this kid when him and the mother aren't even together anymore. We also have a child on the way and I just don't think it's right for him to take care of this kid. Advice? Also am I wrong for the way I feel.

Updates

+1 y

Ok maybe I should have explained more. I treat her as if she is my own. I am not mean to her when she is w us. Her mother pulls her in and out of my boyfriends life. She still allows the child to see her real father and then pulls her away for the time being, but when she needs money or gets mad at the real father she wants my boyfriend to be dad again. That's not healthy for anyone in the situation including the child. I feel like she takes advantage of him because he has a kind heart

Updates

+1 y

And yes, he treats her better then our biological children. Also I didn't know the situation til after I was pregnant because the kid wasn't around, she came in out of nowhere.

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+1 y

Yes I am mother. I would rather my daughter have just me and all my love w no dad then call someone who isn't her dad, daddy

[killakitty]

Okay I'm not understanding how everyone is quick to judge her she was just stating how she feels and asked for advice she didn't ask for nobody to beat down on her. I'm dealing with the same issue but me and my boyfriend have no kids. I wouldn't mind and I really don't it's just the things my boyfriend did. Like he didn't even tell me about this situation. We have been dating for a year and a half. I discovered this information while seeing a pic of this child in his phone I asked him about it he said he was doing a favor for his mother by watching him then it turned into I wonder what my BM brought me for Fathers Day? Wait what? He never talked to me about this and I feel all kinds of ways I'm happy he is taking care of this baby but it's the principle. Two months prior I had broken up with him and at the time we were in the process of working things out. We're back together and living together. When I express my issues and concerns with him he tells me it has nothing to do with me I'm in a relationship with him and not the child. I'm upset, I'm hurt something we should both feel happy about may cause a problem in our relationship. The girl has asked him to be a family. Though he declined still it bothers me. I don't know if should trust him.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are wrong for the way you feel. And you are a mother? I'm sorry for being so blunt but you ought to know how a child would feel like. That poor kid needs someone stable to hold on to and your boyfriend is the only other person he is secure with since his mother is not in the best of shape to take care of him. You have a wonderful responsible boyfriend. Before you started a relationship with him and start having another child, you should have thought about the extra burden already. This is not a house loan or something he could just push aside. It's a human being who needs love and care and a normal life. I hope for the sake of this child and if you REALLY love your boyfriend, you change your ways and love him like your own. Otherwise, you are a liar!

[helphelphelphelp]

i think that is so sweet that just means he has a careing heart. like someone adopting I understand you frustration about feeding another mouth and hoildays but just think that man with a big heart is yours there's men out there that don't even take care of there own give him some credit and I think you should try to support him even if its just a little.

[PleaseHelp73109]

Thx for your response and not being rude. I do support him fully. I keep all these feelings to myself and just wanted some advice. I treat the child as if she is my own when we have her. Just deep down I have some of the feelings and thoughts I explained above. Thx again. I guess sometimes I just worry he's doing it because he still cares about the mother and not the child

[Kiran04]

You ever stop to think of what's best for this poor kid? His mom is psycho and the new girlfriend(you) looks at him like he's dead weight. Women are now the bane of this poor boys existence and you are largely to blame for that. He's probably attached to the kid and likes him. So what? Is it wrong to want to help a child grow up healthy? If you're really that irked about a man doing a public and humane service then there's not much hope for you. You should find a man with a smaller, colder, heart.

[Anonymous]

It's sad that you think of it as just another mouth to feed. It's a child that needs love and good role models so why would you want to take that away from the kid? My girlfriend helps with taking care of a child that isn't biologically hers (or mine) and you know what? I love her MORE for it. I respect and admire her for it, it just proves she is a wonderful person I'm lucky enough to be with. Try to be understanding and don't show your disapproval in front of the child .

[Hear2hlp]

No, you are not wrong. I apologize for the long post, but this situation calls for more than a “think of the children” response. I realize this is an old post, but this is an issue not talked about much but should be (especially in these “modern times”.

I’m so tired of people being attacked for not wanting to take care of their significant other’s EX’s child. The things people expect of others is mind-boggling. People are often quite cavalier with other people’s lives. But I digress.

OP, just be mindful of the type of people who are telling you that you are in the wrong here. They are likely the people who benefit or would benefit from this type of arrangement or just haven’t experienced it before.

It’s so sad to see people destroyed and relationships and families fail because people can’t properly let go of their PAST relationships. Relationships end (especially nowadays). Instead of trying to insulate children from this, we need to help them navigate through this fact, not force the children on other families. Where are both sides of the child’s family? Why is an ex taking on this responsibility? Why can’t the ex serve some other type of role other than playing dad?

We no longer expect people to respect their current relationships and marriages nor the people in them. And people wonder why broken/split homes are becoming the norm.

Children matter, yes. But adults matter too. Especially, the adults who sacrifice and do the work needed to create a healthy relationship with their significant other. They deserve consideration for and autonomy over their lives as well. They especially deserve to not have other people intrude in their relationship or have an ex needlessly attached to it. As people forget, the child and mom are a package deal.

I see many comments talk about that it’s sweet that he is helping take care of the child and he’s such an incredible man. This is isn’t some child in a shelter that he goes to visit to “help take care of”. He has taken on the responsibility of the child. That impacts OP’s life as well as her children’s lives.

Sadly, there are millions of children who need a loving family. I don’t see anyone on this forum talking about how they are out here taking on the responsibility of these children.

It's not fair to you or your children that you all have already. He is being (and allowing himself to be) taken advantage of, even to the point of treating your family as less of a priority. It sounds like there may be some guilty parenting going on.

I also see so many times that the man has hidden the relationship with their child’s ex from their current partner and people still praise them for being such upstanding people. Then the significant other is deemed to be so evil for not wanting to put up with the situation.

Very few posts have even addressed the fact that the boyfriend was deceptive about the relationship with the child originally. He is not this incredible man because he continues to take care of his EX’s child who is not biologically his, in a manner against his partners wishes, while lying to his pregnant partner and playing favorites to his ex’s child.

Honestly, I don’t think you’ll be able to trust him to put you or your family in the priority position that it should be in, without some type of intervention, as he will just likely lie about his involvement because he knows you don’t approve the situation. You’re madly in love now, perhaps even with rose-colored glasses. This trait of taken on children that isn’t theirs looks and sounds good on the surface (as someone else has noted). However, if you think about it, there is not much less unattractive than a man who lies, cannot create or assert proper boundaries on behalf of his current relationship, puts other people above you and the children of the relationship and gets taken advantage of by an ex while in a relationship with YOU. You and your family deserve to be a priority.

I’m sure he is a good guy. But the relationship with the ex’s child makes him a bad father to his biological child, bonus child and the actual mother of his child. He is destroying a whole family in order to take care of this child who is not his (which people tend to not care about, for some reason). You will likely need couples and individual counseling, which is above our pay grade here. Just wanted to provide some support.

Bottomline: You should determine if you want to deal with this situation, potentially for the rest of your life. He will likely not change, without intervention. I would get it all sorted out before you get married to this man, if that is direction you all are headed. This may not be the situation for you, as hard as it is to say and hear.

[lossanto21]

I honestly can understand where you are coming from. I WAS the girl that thought this was Oh-so-sweet and he was a knight in shining armor. That was until we moved together and had a child of our own. He has one kid with his ex and we take the older child, too. We get them Mon, Wed, Fri, for a few hours in the evening and every other weekend. I thought this was great until the older child grew up and started being so awful to my daughter who is only 5. He is 10. He is her favorite person in the world but she is too young to understand that he is being a jerk to her. On top of this, he even lied to his mother and started saying terrible things about me and she argued with my boyfriend that I shouldn't be around him (like I shouldn't be in the house at all). I thought this was something he had against just me, but nope! Just recently, he said that my boyfriends mother and I pick on the boy and gang up on him. My boyfriend works a lot so most of the time his mother and I watch them together along with my daughter. I've known this boy for years and its crazy how he has just turned on us! He makes me very uncomfortable. He injures and hurts animals, he lies and plays the victim. We buy him clothes, shoes, school supplies, and he goes on all trips with us. If I play with his brother at all he starts talking about CPS, etc. I don't know what to do. My boyfriend doesn't see it as a threat because it's not happening to him. The boys mother told us that she didn't want my boyfriends mom picking him up anymore so we've stopped getting him, even on weekends, since she doesn't want him around us. I guess she is tired of watching him now, with his bad behavior, because now she told him that he can come regularly now. Now, my boyfriends mother doesn't want to pick him up but he is still coming over our house. Just today he tried to sneak my daughter's games out of our house. This has become a nightmare for me! I get so mad just to see him in my home at this point. He is so disrespectful and sneaky. This all started because he overheard my mother-in-law talking about me being pregnant. He went home to tell his mother and now she has turned him against us and he is like a terror in our house since she is angry at my boyfriend. She has been telling my boyfriend that he is a terrible father and he doesn't do anything for his son even though we do everything for both of them, including the one that isn't his! I treat him like my own son. My boyfriend keeps saying he is just a child, which I understand, but I've seen people have CPS called and they take the child and ask questions later. If my daughter gets taken from me, this relationship is over. I'll take me and my unborn and skidaddle. I am so uncomfortable in my own home with this boy around and it seems like no one understand because it is "for the child." What about my child? We can't even leave him alone in the room with her. My boyfriend doesn't trust him either. I love the boy and am so hurt that he is like this, but he is making me very uncomfortable. I am starting to regret this decision to be with someone that chooses to take care of a child that isn't his. He treats the boy better than his own daughter and to me it feels like he is putting me in danger of getting my daughter taken away. Even if for a short time to investigate. I'm sick of this whole situation. I just want the peace in my house back. I've honestly stayed at my parents house with my daughter so that we didn't have to be around the boy. My boyfriend does not pay attention enough to stop him from doing the things he does. The boy is smart, he whispers, and everything. At one point he even told me that my boyfriend cheated on me and laughed in my fast at my reaction. Who is this devil? He used to be so sweet and now since his mother hates me he is now her minion. He reports everything in the house back to his mother. He never is concerned about anyone else in the house. If we talk his ears are perked up to hear what we are saying. He even asked about the gender of the baby, (which is not like him since he really didn't care when we told him.) He only cared because the mother told him to ask since she wants to know. She doesn't want me to have a boy since she has a son with him and feels like that makes her more special to him or something. This is a nightmare. If you are uncomfortable, please leave!

I'm not saying this may happen to everyone but it very much so turned south and I am now stressed out during my current pregnancy. This is now an argument between my boyfriend and I and I am really considering not marrying him since this is really making me uncomfortable and he is not listening. I have even told him to still get the boy, but please go do something with him and don't necessarily bring him to our house. I pray for you! But I'm so uncomfortable, I'm about to jump ship! They can have the whole situation! And my daughter won't be allowed around the boy since my boyfriend does not keep a close eye out. This boy has destroyed her things, pushed her, I've even looked up and he was literally on top of my 5 year old daughter on the ground and he is a hefty weight. He is 10 and can wear men's clothes. Please be careful in this situation if the baby mama doesn't like you, there isn't much you can do because that child is going to take the mother's side 100%. And you will look like the inconsiderate idiot. Save yourself. Just don't do it, please.

[Tara77777]

I believe that it’s wrong at the end of the day the women decided to have that child not him? Why is he obligated to do anything for the child? Let’s be realistic if he continue to take care of a child that isn’t his the women will feel less love because that child came from an ex. Why is he obligated to take care of an ex’s baby? That’s like if I were to have a baby by another man is he going to take care of that baby too? No he wouldn't. At the end of the day the ex is going to move on with another dude that once again not her biological farther don’t you thing that will be a little disrespectful of a random man is coming to take the child every weekend? This isn’t the help this is about how you make the partner that you are with feel. I feel as though there needs to be some respect for her feelings as well and I know it’s a child but at the end of the day that child and him ARE NOT family.

[CatholicVirginia]

Please take a closer look at why this bothers you so much. Why can't he love three children? Why are you focusing on the MOTHER instead of the CHILD? Does he neglect your children in any way for this third child? And does that neglect outweigh how much he is helping the third child? How do your children feel about the third child?

[CatholicVirginia]

Your opinion in your latest update comes as the opinion of a loving mother - which the child in question does not have. So it is irrelevant, because the child in question cannot have what you propose. All she can have is your boyfriend as a loving parent, or nothing. Do you really want to make her have nothing? It is true that a lot of people are going to judge you, because you are purposely putting your feelings ahead of the child's well being.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for explaining further. I'm sorry for what you have to go through. It is tough. However, The child still needs a real family. It may seem like your boyfriend's ex is using him. Anyway, I don't think anybody here can really help you. It's a choice you made which you have to deal with. He might have said something about this before. What matters now is you both just have to try and make things work out somehow for the kids. Sincerely, I wish you all the best.

[WickedEyedLeo]

Yes you are.