I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month now. I really like him, but there’s a problem that keeps coming up. We’ve discussed our exes in kind of detail, and it seems that his ex… was perfect.
They dated for two years, and broke up about a year ago because she moved away for grad school. He says that they never fought in those two years, and didn’t have many issues; when I asked what her biggest flaw was, he said “chewing loudly.” He can sometimes be insensitive about comments he makes about other women, and he says she never really had a problem with it; the sex was great, they had so much in common… You get the idea. He says he’s over her, but it also seems like she was this perfect girlfriend. He’s already kind of compared me a little bit to her (“well you and I run into an issue like once a week”… largely him making some comment about another girl being hot, and me telling him calmly that that upsets me.. “and she never got upset about this stuff.”)
So am I always going to have to compete against the perfect ex-girlfriend? Should I even bother dating him, or tell him to go find someone like her to date?
PS: Me and her are also don’t seem very similar; he’s described her as shy and quiet, and I’m kind of outgoing and talkative.
Most Helpful Girl
First of all, some reassurance. However things might appear from the outside, a relationship that ends because one person moves away for grad school isn't a good or strong one. I know plenty of couples who have chosen to stay together in a longdistance relationship (even though this is hard) over grad school, rather than breaking up. Why didn't they do this? Equally, I know many cases where one partner has been prepared to move state, or even country, to support the other through a choice like that. Clearly, in this case, he wasn't so much in love with her that he was prepared to move. If their relationship had been perfect, and the pair of them had been head-over-heels in love, it wouldn't have ended for such a relatively small reason.
Secondly, he needs to stop comparing the two of you. Just because she didn't have a problem with something, doesn't mean that you will feel the same. People are different. What upsets one person will be fine with another. You are his girlfriend now, and he needs to adjust to your likes and dislikes, and your preferences. Whatever his ex did is irrelevant - she is in the past! Plenty of women are upset when they boyfriends call other women 'hot' - and it doesn't sound like you overreacted at all in asking him not to do so. He needs to understand that justifying such behaviour with reference to another woman hurts your feelings and makes you feel insecure.
Finally, I think you need to talk to him about this issue in more depth. There clearly is a trust issue here - albeit a minor one. Your limited knowledge of his past relationship is leading you to feel unhappy, and to mistrust his feelings for you. At some level, it sounds like you suspect he isn't over her. Sit him down and explain this to him, calmly and quietly, without anger or angst. Hopefully he will rush to reassure you that you are 'the one' for him, and you will feel much better. Good luck!4