Why do people ghost on each other?

[Anonymous]

I was seeing someone for a couple months, we had a lot of fun and we were intimate. He got a new job which made his schedule pretty brutal and it especially did not work with mine. However, after that happened he just completely ghosted on me. He seemed like a nice mature guy that would at least be nice about it, not that it is better he could have just faded instead. If he didn't want to hang out he could just use his schedule as an excuse or something and respond to my texts and be brief instead of completely ignoring me!! I am so angry. We also have a couple mutual friends and he likes to come to the restaurant I work at! I know it is always shocking and catches you off guard, but this one really did. I thought we had a strong enough friendship that he wouldn't just completely dispose of me. I feel like if you have hung out a lot of times and/or were intimate you can't just disappear on someone. How do I deal with this? I am so hurt and angry.

[raio81597]

I'm sorry this happened to you and I feel your pain and frustration, people often are cowardly in their actions often due to if they told the truth they would have to deal with negative emotions and none likes to do that if they have any sense of empathy, they think it's easier to just ghost someone or block them or just stop talking to them in other ways.

Usually there are 3 reasons why someone bails on a potential relationship.
1. You moved too fast
2. You moved too slow
3. You got needy

Women are the only one's that feel this way, even me I tend to move quick when I find a desirable female, I'm not into wasting time. Hookups usually last about 90 days to 6 months, open relationships about 9 months, and regular relationships about 2 years if there isn't any forward movement into marriage or long term commitment.

The best way to deal with this is move on and find a better guy, and get active with your life, and go out and meet men that you get along with. The loss of emotional connection hurts, believe me I know, no one likes to lose a good friend or potential relationship partner. I personally prefer direct reasons for not wanting to be contacted that relate to me or a little honesty about what seems off or why they feel the way they do, I'm all about self improvement so if what I do doesn't work for one, I want to know so I can get it fixed.

[Asker]

Thank you for your input. I am pretty much over it because there was a lot the whole time that I did not like and I knew that, it wasn't until he HE disappeared that I cared. But now I am just left wondering why and angry that he chose to disregard me in this way. Otherwise, there was so much I knew wasn't working. Really, he did not show me that much interest the whole time but I tried to look past and make excuses. Still doesn't mean it is okay to disappear on anyone though, just because I figured we were friends or at least respected me as a person he cared about on some level. A lot of people want to know if they did something wrong, I find that most people ghost for reasons that aren't that personal, just no chemistry, another person, too busy, etc. I know I do not act needy at all, if anything a little distant. We did not move too fast because we never became official or anything. Maybe too slow but I don't think he wanted to date, or at least that is apparent now.

[raio81597]

Ok so first thing in lessons learned here I see is that you made excuses for this one man, and his behavior mainly I think it's because you want a relationship. In order to get the relationship you want I would suggest that you don't put all your eggs in one basket with any one man until he is committed date other men this helps to weed out the bad apples and you won't mind too much if one bad apple ghosts you or not. If a man is not putting his attention on you, even if it's he only has spare time enough to talk or text just a few words each day and you two don't get to have a conversation throughout the week due to his work schedule, consider that a form of commitment. A couple other things too, if a man is making any investment into you, match the level of investment he makes so he doesn't lose interest, don't give more than what he gives is what I'm saying. You are right it is right to just disappear on someone, however since we don't know the level of emotional connection this man

[raio81597]

has to you or also whether or not he is completely focused on his new job and isn't ready at this point to make any commitments to anyone. He may return and if he does keep in mind that he'll have to show like interest before you give him any chance of winning you, also like I said date more than one man and don't get intimate with any of them until they are committed and seeking a relationship. This includes kissing, cheeks are fine as well as hugs, but if you become intimate with more than one man this could lead to auto rejection on the man's part, as he will feel slighted. He only has to see that sex or loss might happen for him to make a move.

[Asker]

I actually did no see myself in a relationship with him. It is weird, I usually really like someone or not at all. I kind of just liked him, I did not have feelings for him though. Everything was easy to get over except for completely ghosting, just because I deserve more respect than that and he didn't seem like the person to disrespect me on this level. With that being said, yes, I do ultimately want a relationship but I did not expect much from this guy in particular. I just, for once, want to like someone but be the one that decides the fate of the relationship. Honestly, I wanted to hang out with him and have fun until someone more serious came along. My problem is the disregard and disrespect I feel now. I also definitely only showed him the same level of interest. We both never texted much, I never eluded to wanting more and in general I can come across as disinterested even when I am. BUT, I wouldn't have ghosted on him because of the friendship or whatever we did have.

[raio81597]

I'm sorry for the late reply my web browser kept locking up on me. I think I might know what the problem here is but I may need more input. From what I'm reading, I think there maybe a communication issue at hand that is the reason behind his ghosting you. I'm going to reply to you and Paris 13 below her post so she hears this too as a friend of hers needs this message as well.

[JohnB1]

It's because he thinks you are not good enough. More importantly he is a pussy and can't build enough courage to tell you he doesn't want you. Guys feel pressure in their head and weakness in their stomach to confront you face to face. That's why guys ghost you.

[Asker]

I know I am a huge hypocrite because I have done it to people before too. Not many, maybe two and we were never intimate and only went out maybe three times. But, when I did that to people it was not because I thought they weren't good enough, I wished that I felt more for them because they were perfectly good guys, so I don't think it is good enough or not but more a lack of interest if anything.

[JohnB1]

Chemistry is powerful and often overlooked. You probably ghosted them because of lack of chemistry. Nothing wrong with that. The only problem I have with people ghosting me is passing up an opportunity with someone else because I'm saving myself for someone who secretly does not feel the chemistry with me.

[Paris13]

It Appears here, dear, Out of the Blue, he Floated away Because... He got a new job which made his schedule pretty brutal...
I see Right through hjis Diappearing Act, and instead of being areal man and telling you where you Both Stand, he chose to put you on aback burner , No explanation and Instead... Locked all of his lousy lame duck excuses away in a closet, where now, this is Rattling your chains.
Never mind him, move on from him. Many Toms Today Play the same scene so get used to it. These are the ones that a girl should call "Cowardly Lions" and Not 'Ghosted on me' but Run for the Hills like a Rooster with its head cut off.
Good luck. xx

[Azara]

cowards = correct. :-)

[Asker]

I absolutely think he is coward for this, a huge one because how hard would it have been to even just say he is too busy? That is what I don't get. Also, a lot of people say guys will disappear if they get too busy with work and life, but do they really? Because I still feel like even if they were remotely interested they would still try to make some sort of effort and time or say that and not just disappear.

[Paris13]

Thank you, @Azara and yes, he is, along with many of today's toms who find it easier to cower than give you a reason to holler. xx

[raio81597]

I want to answer this, guy tend to disappear momentarily, due to work stress and life stress, it usually isn't a forever thing. A guy may go weeks without contact if he isn't in love yet. If a guy is to contact you, you can't just send him "where are you?" texts or tell him you miss him, as these work on women guys may not even think to answer those while they are exhausted or heavily focused on something else. The best text message in this case you cold send is to tell him to let you know he is too busy to talk right now so you know what's up with him, keep it logical.

[Paris13]

@raio81597 or if he doesn't bother to send or even make an effort, just drop him and move on. xx

[Asker]

@raio81597 Thank you for your response. I was wondering if a guy would really ghost and not even respond to texts in this situation. Because his schedule completely changed his whole life in a way. He went from working later in the morning and at a restaurant at night to having to work at 5am every day. He is younger and was having fun being able to go out and hang out with friends and now he can't do that even on the weekends because he works then too. He disappeared the moment he started working these new hours. So, if that is what happened it is an easier pill to swallow than if I did something that turned him off, whether he contacts me again or not. My biggest question to this is, do people really think they could just show up again after disappearing and think everything would be cool? I would only ghost if I knew I did not EVER want to see them again.

[Paris13]

I also feel that even with new hours, if he really cared, he would make any kind of effort to find the time to be together and with him Younger, he may be still wet behind the ears in years, you sound more mature and deserve better. xx

[raio81597]

Like I said in my post above, I think there is a communication issue that caused all this, yet also I want to say something about men for @Paris 13 to relay to her friend, we'll call her Becky to protect her. Becky has a problem with men, she often gets approached for sex by men, and she has developed the limiting belief that men whom approach her only want just that, however many women often don't understand when men are affectionate that sex isn't necessarily what they want, neither is it what they want when they ask a woman out on a date or for a relationship, sex is not by any means all that important to man as much as other things are that he can't get on a street corner. I believe that from what you are telling me Anonymous is that you did not tell this guy what you told me, in that this was more of a friends with benefits thing than a relationship, guys by and large often believe that after several months of let's say mild courtship with not much talking going on but it lead to

[raio81597]

intimacy he probably thought that you two were headed for a relationship, meaning that because he's younger and possibly inexperienced in knowing that women are human and not all want a relationship when intimacy is involved, thought he had your trust and if you were holding back from interest or not showing much interest throughout, could of felt he was being used or you didn't think he was any good in the sack, in which case his ego was bruised and to protect his ego, much like Becky auto rejects or thinks this person is unattainable and just ghosts or lies to put up a barrier so they don't get hurt. My guess is since maybe you didn't tell him he's protecting himself and indirectly punishing you for your lack of communication, or as he may put it deception. So we would have to think what Becky is thinking here too, guy approaches her thinks he has her trust initiates sex and she holds back from him so he bails on her and she's left with the belief that all guys want her for is sex,

[raio81597]

much like this man maybe thinking, in which case if he is feeling used, and you Anonymous are feeling disrespected keep in mind that not telling him what your intention was means you were actually in control of the fate of the relationship even if it was just friends with benefits, he probably thought he was giving more than he was getting, even if on your end that doesn't seem true, we just have to see both sides of the coin here. Becky herself is a very giving person, and she feels that all the value she gives was taking advantage of by guys in the past. So I'm going to get into the lesson I want @Paris 13 to relay to Becky. Think of it as a Take and it's quite true for the good guys out there that can't get with a good woman because of misunderstandings and miscommunications.

[raio81597]

The Truth: What men are looking for when they push you for sex.

Sex is the thing that women are obligated to do with men if they want to keep a man around.

I’m kidding.

Sex is the thing women think they have to do with men to keep them around.

They feel pressured.

Who doesn’t know a woman friend who gave a blow job or had sex with a man to ‘keep him happy’?

When a man is in love, he can have zero sex with a woman and still stick around, whilst being emotionally attracted to her and faithful to that one woman.

Still, why do women feel pressured to sex a man?

When they get all touchy feely towards women, when they talk dirty to women, women feel the pressure instantly. They tense up. Women think they are wanting sex.

Women might be right in one sense; but that’s only from your own perspective.

[raio81597]

Because in your perspective, if he is successful in gaining your trust in the moment; then women might actually want to have sex. And sometimes, women don’t want to want to have sex. Which really means: women refuse to open in this moment. And neither should women have to open just because women feel pressured.

When women look from a man’s perspective, women would see something different.
What do men actually want?

To start, I want to say that there are men who are single-minded and desperate – that’s a rule in our world. And I believe these desperate men definitely will push you for sex just to get the sex itself, because they’re desperate for an ejaculation, or for validation, to feel good about their existence, or to just milk a woman for whatever he can get.

That’s the truth.

[raio81597]

There’s the base layer of truth: men do want sex when they’re pushy for it.

Then there’s the deeper level of truth: that men actually want a woman’s openness and feminine energy more than sex. The men who don’t see this level of truth won’t agree to this. Because they can’t see it yet.

To just want sex – that’s the most superficial way a man can approach a woman. It is a way, but it’s the most superficial way.

Yet – that is not the truth of why men are pushing for sex when there’s a connection established between him and the woman.

[raio81597]

In a casual sex situation, men only care about the sex

In a totally casual sex situation, men only care about the sex, because they haven’t formed much of a connection with you yet (if guys ever will).

So, the more single minded a man seems to be – the more careful you have to be. A lot of women give in when their bodies aren’t ready – you shouldn’t.

In a casual sex situation; men don’t care if you’re open to them or not – they are only there for the sex. And men can have sex with a tree, they can also have sex with someone they hate…so, if the relationship is purely sex oriented – then this advice does not apply.

[raio81597]

But if your connection with a man was about any more than just sex for both of you – men care about your openness more than whether you have sex with them.
Men actually want a woman’s openness.
The reason women feel like men want sex all the time, is not because they DO want sex all the time.
It is because men are always trying to get women to ‘open’. And women interpret their advances, their touching etc, as a push for sex. That is not necessarily true.

To ‘Open’ means to not be separate from the moment and from connection with him.

Women pull away out of fear that he just wants sex. <==== Becky's problem...

But what if, instead, women didn’t pull away? What would happen? What if women just stayed with that fear women felt and melted into whatever emotion came next? (no separation from the moment)

[raio81597]

What if women allowed a man to ‘open’ them? To influence them? To connect with them or bond?

Well then; men might want sex; because that’s the natural progression of things.

But men’s deeper desire (which not every man can articulate) is to have you belong to him.

The sign that a woman belongs to a man is her openness to him (not to lots of different men).

Do I really have to say out loud that men want to own a woman and a woman wants her man to own her?

If a man owns a woman, she feels safe. But it takes a courageous woman to be willing to be owned. And a courageous man to ‘step in’ and take ownership despite the fact that a woman will say a bunch of things that she doesn’t mean.

I would even suggest that men’s actual desire is for a woman to be open to him – not to have sex with her.

It is not about sex.

[raio81597]

It is about a woman being open with her energy. To translate: to be open and energetic and faithful to him; open to his influence and open to him having command in her life.

A woman who is taking her energy everywhere – trying to take attention from a bunch of different men, is usually not being faithful and selective with whom she shares her energy with. And women lose out on the good men when women do this.

Out of a need for “freedom” and equality – women sacrifice the passionate, deep connection that comes with men wanting to own them and they relaxing into their desire to be owned.

This is often what men are trying to get from a woman – faithfulness; a feeling that her feminine energy is going to him only, not just to any random douche on the street.

Is there something really wrong with allowing a man to have command and direction in your life, if he does it out of love?

[raio81597]

And if his ability to command you (FOR you) is better than your own?

Absolutely not.

If it were so wrong, 50 Shades of Gray wouldn’t be so damn popular. Women are too afraid to live out their fantasies.

[raio81597]

Why men would want more than sex?
The reason men actually want more than sex is because he is much better off having a woman who is open to him than he is if he were just pushing for sex – because if a woman is not open to a man (if she’s closed off or judgmental of him), she’s probably off having someone elses baby (this is from a man’s perspective).

Remember, men don’t know if the baby is theirs or not – a large part of what they do and how they see women and treat women in the dating world is based on this fact; their bodies and biology are based on this fact.

Never forget that; become obsessed with learning about that; it’s no small fact.

[raio81597]

On the surface, men can look like assholes who want to take advantage of women; but once women learn about their biology; and their fears – women start to realize that women can take just as much advantage of them, and they feel just as shamed by women, they just don’t tell you because how manly is it to not tell everybody?

It’s always easy to see men as the bad guys; but never forget that as a woman; women naturally take value from men, too. Women just don’t see it because women don’t live in their bodies.

[raio81597]

What would happen if you let yourself open to the right men?

What would happen if you let yourself open to the right men?

(NOT to every man. There are douches out there, and I don’t want to you think you should go around offering your energy to them. Be very careful. Be very selective. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone.)

Your openness would potentially make a lot of men fall in love with you. Because the openness is the ingredient necessary for relationship oriented connection and emotional attraction.

And the ones only interested in sex would disappear. Fast. (YAY!)

[raio81597]

Strong woman vs weak woman
What is a strong woman? A strong woman, in one definition, can be a tough and self sufficient woman.

But it takes a strong woman to have the courage to give a man more than sex.

It takes even deeper courage to be willing to trust that what a man wants is not just sex: it’s feminine energy; it’s your acceptance and love and openness to him.

[raio81597]

To be high value means to trust that men actually want more than sex.

Can I ask that you consider beginning to trust this? Because, if women believe in their bodies that men just want sex, then women enter the dating world with a low value energy. And your bodies show it.

And, if women have a lot of casual sex, your bodies become less and less open and luscious. So women really have to be careful with casual sex. I don’t care how much women hate this and want to get rid of the double standard; I care how much more damage it causes women’s bodies.

[raio81597]

Your natural state is to let things progress to sex when women open and trust a man. That doesn’t always happen nowadays; so women often ignore their biological drive, so it trains your bodies to close down and not be attractive to the good men who actually want to take care of you.

I know it’s hard; because older women tend to pour out their past baggage trash all over you – saying that men just want sex, and all that.

But really – that’s not true. Men just want sex if that’s all you are brave enough to offer.

Be brave; don’t give him sex out of pressure; you have permission to trust another way of thinking: that men want your feminine energy and your openness. (it doesn’t require physical sex!)

[raio81597]

Don’t let men just pursue you for sex. That’s the key to be high value and attract high value.
I know it’s hard, but try your best not to get caught up in the fallacy that sex is the ultimate goal of men.

There’s a reason why men fall in love; and they fall in love when women dare to show their high value and their vulnerability (which is something women all have).

Part of being open is being brave enough to share or show your fears about sex and dating with him.

Part of sharing your high value vulnerability is being ok with being human; and sharing that. There’s no faster way to weed out the desperate men who just want sex.

[raio81597]

Where women have misunderstood men.
“Men only want one thing!”
“Men only want you for sex!”
You know, these statements can be seductive to believe.

Women misunderstand men when they think they just want sex. Especially when a man has chosen to commit to being in a monogamous, committed relationship – sex is especially not the only thing he wants.

Why?

Because he wants a woman’s trust and a woman’s energy. Trust is sexually inspiring, it is a turn on – especially when the woman is sexually open to her man.

And trust is deeper than sex; a woman’s trust makes the sex better, if the option of sex is there.

A woman’s energy is a way of giving him a reason to be happy to be alive today.

[raio81597]

Imagine this…a man who inherited a lot of money, and because of his financial status, knows every pimp and has round the clock access to all the prostitutes in his city; but when you see him out with the women, none of them are particularly happy around him; they are just hanging out with him, and are sexually available to him, that is all.

Versus a man from the suburbs who has nothing – no car, no money, but who shows up at the same bar that the first man frequents, and within an hour, he has 3 women around him open and happy, laughing and enjoying their time with him because he is entertaining and funny.

[raio81597]

The second man is an example of a man who ‘has’ a lot more; not in number of women, but just because the women he attracts are open and show more attention and care towards the man he is.

This is also to remind women that a man can buy sex. But men can’t buy openness and responsiveness from women.

By being an open and responsive woman – you are not only upping your own value; you are encouraging a man to up his. It’s a cycle that feeds itself. You are doing a brave thing for the world; and for the evolution of men and women.

Of course, the onus can fall on men as well – the less present a man is willing to be for you, the less open you are to him – it works both ways. I just don’t believe in sitting on our asses pointing the finger at men, when women have the option to take the high road and take responsibility.

[raio81597]

Why else is sex not the only thing men want in a relationship?

There’s another reason why sex can’t be the only thing a man wants in a relationship.

I’ve heard some say that they believe women always want deeper. Women are never fully satisfied for long. And so women are searching for deeper; I believe there’s a truth in that.

So of course, a man wants more than just sex in a committed relationship.

And, those men who spend time just chasing sex – often get to a place where they are over it. They simply get over the novelty and are ready for something deeper.

And the men who don’t get there – they don’t find a deeper purpose beyond themselves.

[raio81597]

So why do men want openness and surrender?
Because it is sexually attractive, and it makes him feel safe that a woman is trustworthy and faithful.

Look – it’s true, there are men who may think, after all the openness and surrender you show, that he still needs sex to feel ok about himself. However, that is an old pattern of his – it’s not the truth in the moment.

What genuine men want more than anything else is a woman’s willingness to open beyond her tightness into her beautiful femininity – her awareness that she needs to surrender emotionally to herself, her fears, and to true connection.

[raio81597]

This feminine emotional softness, a woman’s willingness to let herself breathe in, connect with him and emotionally experience the moment, is valuable. It’s a sign she can and will be open to trusting him – which is high value.

A woman’s full trust is so hard to obtain – regardless of years a couple spends together.

Because women and men don’t naturally trust each other (because our motivations can be totally opposite) and because trust comes and goes with each moment; and depending on how high value a man is, over time he gets generally more trust from his woman, or generally less trust.

[raio81597]

And if a woman doesn’t trust a man she’s with – what’s the point? They aren’t inspiring anybody by staying together out of comfort.

The tightness that many of women exhibit today due to the stress they’re under, and the masculine skills women activate habitually, men often have very little feminine energy left to experience from their woman.

Very few women allow themselves this surrender today – it is hard to allow ourselves this, because it’s hard to find someone we trust enough, and because we are busy being busy.

Never forget though, for a man to become more trustworthy, you sometimes have to step in first and show your willingness to trust him.

[raio81597]

But do men really want to deal with a deep, emotional woman?
Well, every man has within him the capacity to deal with an emotional and deep woman. I believe all men have the ability to recognize a deeply radiant woman.

Some will reject a woman like that.

Many men will rather sit and watch TV than deal with a woman like that.

This is what lazy men are like.

I am not trying to tell you every man is going to respond well to your openness and depth – depth is a gift you give to the people who can handle it, and who are ready for it.

Certainly not every man is ready for it. Just like not every woman is ready for a deep man or a man to lovingly direct her life.

[raio81597]

But the message I want to send is this: in their deepest heart; a man wants your openness.
Openness is also responsiveness – and responsiveness inspires commitment.
Not every man has that depth though. And that’s ok. It’s even more ok that you walk away from them.

You shouldn’t try to share with him your depth for too long before you move on.

If a commitment is truly what you’re ready for; if you’re that open and ready to be responsive and vulnerable, men will naturally want deeper relationship and commitment with you.

Therefore, if you try for a few months or more, and he is still distant and your gut feeling is that he isn’t committed – move on! You don’t got 10 lifetimes to leisurely twirl around your fingers here! We only get this one life.

[raio81597]

So what does all this mean in your life?
It means that you could inquire into the possibility that men want something deeper than just sex.

It means that your value is endless – for the rest of your life.

You can stop thinking make up and looking pretty is the answer.

You no longer have to give sex to please a man. You just have to be genuine, open, responsive and be ok with being as alive as you’re brave enough to be.

Share your bodily emotions – instead of becoming preoccupied with your feeling of being pressured to have sex: just reveal your true self, slowly but surely – a good man will respect that.

[raio81597]

Also, when you do feel pressure, figure out where that feeling of being pressured is coming from. Is it from your own way of seeing men? Or is it because a man really does just want to push you for sex because he is silly enough to think you’re an easy woman?

Men rely on you to control the ease of which you have sex with them.

It’s like men with lots of money showering gifts upon you on the first date. What the hell? That’s totally out of sync with where your relationship is.

You may keep the gifts, but ultimately, do they mean anything to you?

No chance. They mean nothing – because he threw his money at you for his own feeling of self worth, and you did nothing to earn his affections.

[raio81597]

You’ve seen this happen. Even on Youtube – the awkwardness of an over the top fancy proposal to a woman who doesn’t want to marry him.

The awkwardness of women being bought tons of gifts – flowers, jewelry, and yet he’s an absent man. It all means nothing when you don’t earn it or when the relationship doesn’t naturally progress to that place.

The same goes with sex; it’s meant to be sacred, and men rely on you to keep it that way.

Or, you should inquire into the infinite possibility of “what’s beyond giving a man sex?”

Isn’t it fun to trust that it’s OKAY to be all of you? The alive one who men really and naturally fall in love with?

Isn’t it inspiring to feel, to be alive, to just stay connected with life?

[raio81597]

So @Paris 13 that is not only for our Anonymous lady here but also for your friend Becky that I did like and asked out, but she thought either I was too good to be true or auto rejected due to her belief about men, please pass this along to her and if you re not sure who she is, you can inbox me I'll tell you her name. Also I'm not trying to beat anyone up here, I'm on the side of positive outcomes between men and women, not so much as to say that guys and gals are both wrong or just bad in general, they're not and we're not so the point here is to inform and enlighten going forward because if I didn't love women I would do this, and if I didn't like Becky and cared so much what's in her or you ladies best interest I wouldn't even have written so much. Let me know if anyone has any questions.

[Asker]

Whoa! Now who in the hell opened this can of worms? Lol.

[Paris13]

lol... It is sure smelly but with the can of worms and Always something on gag. xxoo

[raio81597]

Hahaha you opened it, lol Take what I say with a grain of salt if you want to keep things the same. If you really want to have more say so and over all control of your dating life and relationships I would use the information I gave you to empower yourself for a more positive out come. I know I'm a guy and guys have a nasty habit of solving problems, versus listening, however as easy and superficial a question you asked it has deep roots, and it is those roots I wanted to get to the bottom of so this never has to happen to you again or any other woman. If you really want to see if what I'm telling you is truth, just ask guys my age about what I said, and ask your ghost friend if he was under the impression you wanted a relationship with him, the time line fits the conclusion he could draw from that.

[Asker]

@raio81597 Seriously though, you might be right. There were also other things that happened where I was more nonchalant than comforting. He definitely could have felt like I was pretty disinterested because of that. I have become so cynical and especially after "He's just not that into you" came out, it is so easy to say, "He left, he lost interest" and wonder what weird things we did wrong or if we said something wrong but on a superficial level. It could be way more than that to where he may have been more interested or wanting to take it further but, I did do something wrong, I didn't tell him that. I came across as nonchalant and take it or leave it, which I did not take him seriously because he was so young, that I PUSHED him away, he didn't necessarily lose interest. It just stinks because either way I enjoyed his company and I think he is a good person and I didn't necessarily never want to speak to him again either.

[raio81597]

Keep in mind I'm not telling you this to be right or patronizing, I think you deserve better than that. It's just that if you weren't too excited about this man in general, but deemed him safe then I would conclude he's more the relationship type, not the seducer. For a man to be both is like finding a needle in a haystack these days, like myself I can come off as too good to be true or larger than life. Sometimes it's a curse not to be innocent and vanilla, the woman I liked that Paris knows has had her fair share of loss in love that has left her both hyper vigilant and self conscious. Her friend does in fact think very similar to me in terms of values and beliefs it's uncanny for me to find someone like that. My mistake was knowing her for about 2 weeks then setting the intention directly to pursue her for a relationship, it was fast for her which caused the walls to go up, and I got shut out, and the thing is it made me look probably like I was a player in which I could see that,

[raio81597]

being the case because they move fast, they are good with women and unfortunately just in it for sex. Myself however do have the the knowledge because I study this stuff constantly to help others, it's not self serving for me to want to be the best possible boyfriend or husband to a woman I'm interested in. I don't think you intentionally did anything wrong and if you have had a negative dating history then being cynical is also very understandable, you are not alone in that. However the negativity the non chalant attitude, the anger, the lack of showing interest can and will come off as disinterest or not attractive. I would say that the whole man would find it unattractive, and the half man would see it as dis interest. I can recommend some better authors then the "He not that into you" type of books that play on a woman's negative view. That one is almost as bad as 'Men love bitches" Honestly though you could still contact this guy, if you want. I'm just not wanting to see anyone get hurt.

[Asker]

@raio81597 No I cannot contact him because he ghosted, lol. He has not responded to my last couple of texts. I think I made myself out to be a little colder than I actually am. I sometimes just try to act fun and light hearted with men early on because I do not want them to think that I want to rush into a relationship. Kind of along the lines of what you said, I think women assume guys are scared off by the idea of relationships but not all actually are. He actually would say some things that seemed like he was not afraid of a relationship, but I have also me guys that seem that way and then end up being like, "I don't want anything serious!" when it comes down to it. I was never angry or came across as cynical, just maybe overly casual and "whatever goes". He did something really embarrassing last time I saw him and I don't have a very comforting demeanor, although it was no big deal, my friends think he ran because of embarrassment, and I thought it was clear to him it was okay.

[raio81597]

Well if he hasn't blocked you on text then it's still a good sign that perhaps he's just feeling self conscious. You'll know if you're blocked because you will receive a reply that reads (Message not delivered) of course if you have a signal. When it comes to phone calls you'll hear an audio message of (You are not authorized to make this call) provided both you and he have current service. So back to he being embarrassed, it possible that he could of been and if your demeanor was not comforting, he could of taken it as disapproval, men by and large want very much to seek a woman's approval if they have a connection to her, they want her to be please with him, and the more she is pleased with what he does the more he does it, so be careful to not show disapproval when empathy is needed and approval when disappointment should be shown. Think in terms of a son wanting to impress his mom, ( With a look at me mom no hands!) kind of thought about him, just because he's grown up doesn't mean

[raio81597]

he has lost that about him. If you show a man a non concerning attitude and he is wanting a relationship, as you may be too laid back then a guy may assume there is nothing you want serious and just tell you what he's thinking as in (I'm not looking for anything serious) Romantic relations are a bit like a dance, it's important to know how we come off to others, if we have an I don't care attitude most guys will too. So if you still want to contact this guy, maybe give it a couple more weeks or simply tell him your suspicion about the embarrassment and say something to the effect that "I don't know what you are embarrassed about a lot of guys do that. And I thought it was really cute or sweet and I like a guy that's not afraid to make mistakes." Maybe if he not beating himself up too bad he'll respond with a "really?" or "Yeah I was embarrassed." it doesn't hurt to try.

[raio81597]

In regards to @ Paris 13 her friend from what I gather is challenged by her self esteem and she feels self conscious often too when someone actually genuinely likes her, she doesn't see herself as likable or desirable unless some guy just wants sex. For me I thought she's funny, got a good heart, and I like hopeless romantics. For all of you, I recommend Brene Brown's book Daring greatly and her other two books. They deal with all this self consciousness and shame issues, even men have this going on too as she found out in her research. For Paris's friend, I want still to help her overcome these challenges and am still open to her, she just has to be brave enough to talk with me, just a little. :)

[Paris13]

Thank you, sweetie, for the Vote of Confidence and I am quite Confident that you willl always be wise here, dear, in any sticky situation as this one. xxoo

[Anna777]

I just recently got ghosted. First he comes and sees me everyday. Then poof! Gone! Not to be seen. If someone doesn't have an interest, be honest or lie! People are good at lying. Why ghost? Mine could have said anything like I have a girlfriend or I'm happy alone. Anything. After this, I lose respect for the person. All I see is a coward. Leading people on is despicable. Karma is a bitch! I think some people ghost because they are cowards. A lot of people think it is okay. I do not. For guys, treat a woman like you want someone to treat your daughter. Do you want a wimp for a man? There is not one good excuse I've heard yet for ghosting.

[Asker]

I am sorry it happened to you too. I agree, mine could have just said his schedule was crazy, what is so hard about that? Or anything! I would rather be "faded" out than just cut off all communication as if I did something horrible because that is how this makes you feel. I know to not blame myself because I did NOTHING wrong, and it was probably not that personal if at all, it could have all had to do with his schedule, which is so understandable so just say that! Of course it is a cowardly thing to do. Like usual, it is also the people you would not expect it from. The last couple times this has happened to me it was people that I already decided that if I were to end it, I would tell them. If you ask or look up reasons why people do that, it is usually not something that bad or personal, just lost interest, or too busy, or met someone else. So, I am trying to keep that in mind, although it is difficult at times to not blame myself.

[Anna777]

It's hard because you don't have closure. You're left always wondering "is he coming back?" or "is it over?". If it's the new job, say something. It's not that hard. Treat others how you want to be treated. It's the not knowing that kills you inside.

[Asker]

Exactly! Just left wondering what happened. I am guessing the reason isn't as bad or more understandable than the possible reasons I am coming up with! Just like the new job thing. If he feels bad because he has no time, I can deal with that, I already figured anyways. If he just doesn't want anything serious or isn't feeling it, fine. I actually liked him of course but didn't have huge expectations for us, so even that would be okay!! I just feel that after you hang out and get to know someone and build some sort of friendship, how can you just dispose and disregard them so easily, like they are nothing? That is what hurts.

[Anna777]

It does hurt a lot. I cried and cried. It is like going through a death. One day he's here and the next gone. Now I'm in the angry stage. I'm hoping the next step is letting go. I like to try to make excuses but in the end there are none. I tried to tell myself maybe fear. In your case, you feel the job is holding him back. Lack of communication is not a good if you were to get in a relationship. Also, it doesn't take long to answer a text. He can go into the bathroom at work and shoot you a text while he's sitting there or on break. I think you deserve better treatment. Right now I have to ask myself is this behaviour acceptable for the long run. Then you will always wonder if he will do it again. Sometimes they come back but by that time your over it.

[Asker]

Yeah, I am in the anger stage now too. I have accepted he isn't here and never will be, I actually did not see him for almost two weeks before this and there was so much not right when we were seeing each other. I am over all of it and strong other than the ghosting thing, that makes me angry and makes me wonder why, but those are my only thoughts left about it all. I will never know either so I will get sick of wondering why eventually and then I will have no thoughts on it. I don't feel like he's too busy to send a text, I know he's disappearing. If he is ghosting because he knows we will never have a chance to hang out, I can deal with that because it isn't personal and just the facts. But if that were true why not just say it, it is not hurtful, not saying anything is. However, you are right, actually all guys that have broken up with me have come back. EVERY one. Do people really come back after ghosting though? What would make them think they have a chance after disappearing?

[Anna777]

Psychology dictates that men cannot focus on more than one thing at a time. Maybe the new job really does have him over extended. It would still upset me. We all want to be #1in our guys lives. When things like this happen, it hurts because we feel unimportant. IF you do hear from him again and IF you decide to give it another shot, then you need to set rules or boundaries. Let him know this isn't acceptable for you. I wouldn't bother him anymore at the moment. Let him come to you. When things calm down with the new job, you never know. That's the time you might hear from him. By then, logic will hopefully have taken over and you can make a good decision. Sometimes out hearts drive is down the wrong path.

[Asker]

Right, I would not go back to him. I actually was not overly into it until HE disappeared, then I was like, hey!! What did I do? People say guys really will just disappear because of being busy, is it just that we are so different that I just cannot wrap my head around that? Because he could have just said, "with my new schedule I have no idea how we will hang out" Meh, I guess that doesn't sound good either. But then why not just respond briefly but nicely? Is it really just the difference between men and women?

[Anna777]

The guy who wrote Men are from Mars and women are from Venus seems to think so. However, it doesn't lessen the pain or anger any. The not getting closure pisses me off. Not being able to get my say in. Having to internalize the pain and not being able to express it to the person. It's tough not seeing it coming. It's worse being on top of the world to plummeting to the bottom overnight. It's not a gradual decline you see coming. I'm still trying to wrap my head around men. I do think they think differently than us.

[Asker]

True. It would be an answer though and one I can deal with. But that is the problem with ghosting, is the not knowing and wondering and wondering why. Eventually, I will be sick of wondering about something I will never know, and eventually just stop wondering and caring. I am almost there. Like I said, I never saw anything major happening between us but when he disappeared it was a blow. It was more like, "I wasn't even all that into it and YOU are ghosting on ME?" Also, when I broke up with someone I was in a serious relationship with it was deeper of course but somehow easier than this. Because like you said, it was gradual, we were fighting and by the time it ended, I knew it was over and had to end. But I got to say everything I wanted to, unlike this, where it is so abrupt and comes out of nowhere.

[Anna777]

I may start writing about it to get the feelings out or write him a letter but not really send it. And hope someone who doesn't leave me comes into my life. This chapter is coming to a close and it's time to start moving on. Deal with my grief and hope for a better future. These type of men aren't worth the tears we shed. Maybe it's better we know who they are now rather than later.

[Asker]

True. We will meet someone better eventually. I just want that to happen NOW! Lol.

[lumos]

I'm sorry that happened to you. Some people are just too self-absorbed to see the other person's point of view. Seems like he wasn't very invested in what the two of you had and felt no obligation to tell you that it won't work out. He probably thought it was "self-evident", which a lot of selfish people assume. They simply don't understand how important it is to be polite and straightforward. It sucks that you can't really do anything about it.
But if it helps, ironically these people also get upset when someone treats them the same way they treat others. So that's somewhat satisfying. Hopefully someone does the same to him.

[Misunderstood10506]

I don't know why he's doing this but the thing you should do is get out of the house. Go to a lake or the park. Calm down in the way that best suits you. Then ask him to meet up somewhere. If you don't like that, text him and ask what made him upset, Choose your words carefully. Or everything can go wrong. Good luck :( :)

[teatea111]

People ghost eachother when they don't want to interact with someone for whatever reason but they also don't want to deal with hurting that person so they just pick up everything and disappear. We don't know for sure why that guy decided to ghost you but from your story is sounds like he's either too busy or he lost interest. It's okay to be hurt and angry but at some point you'll have to move on. It sounds like he did and you deserve to move on too. Good luck!

[LifeEqualsLove]

Don't let it get to you.

It happens to the best of us.

Do things you enjoy and dont think about him.

He didn't want to face you, so he did the cowardly thing and just i

[LifeEqualsLove]

Ignored you.*
At the end of the day, is that someone you rlly want to be with?

[thewanderingme]

I'd probably send one or two pissed off texts and move on. he was an immature douche. be glad it ended before getting too serious.

[orphan]

cuz most people have empathy and can't bear the thought of letting someone else down. nor do they want to directly hurt someone's feelings by doing it explicitly.

[Azara]

people don't do the because they care about the other person. they do it bc they care about themselves and are cowards. its never better to just ignore someone bc they still get rejected but also disrespected and it takes much longer than if it was done directly. guys are crap at confrontation they use dumb excuses and people encourage it with false ideas about 'empathy'.

[orphan]

@Azara i agree..

how often do you censor yourself, tactfully point out a bad habit, and basically go out of your way to NOT hurt someone's feelings? deep down we don't want to hurt our own kind, it hurtful to inflict pain. people overcome via their mind by developing socio/psychopathic brains... which we all do to an extent, lie to ourselves.

i ponder if it's because ultimately we don't want to tarnish our own character by way of disappointment, or the empathy to avoid being a pain giver.

[BellePepper]

It's just a choice some people make. It's horrible and hurtful but you just have to move on. Eventually their dating karma will catch up with them.

[mr90skid]

At first I thinking he was just distant likes his time alone or something til I read the whole thing. Guess he just couldn't be straight up with you

[serious]

That's because they have an intention to disappear from their lives ( at some point)

[Hungry_Shark]

I ghost on slutty women.
Hit and run kinda thing.
I will never ghost on a woman with whom i see a nice future.

[jacquesvol]

Because telling the REAL reason you dump the other could often hurt more than just disappearing.

[CHARismatic110]

Because ghosting is the easy way out. People always take the easy way out.

[thewanderingme]

this.

[pooper89]

Because he has no balls. You don't want a man like that anyway!!

[Anonymous]

Because people are assholes. Don't take it personally

[skykidx1]

This is why I stop giving a fuck

[apple24]

i hate when people do that!

[Anonymous]

Most people are assholes