Female friend sleeping over at my boyfriends house?

Question

Im in a new realationship, and my boyfriend has a very close female friend. She is great and i really like her. His parents was on a vacation durring one week. My boyfriend invited some friends over the first weekend, and that female friend sleept over at his place (not in his bed).

I thought it was okey since she was to drunk to drive home. But she ended up staying the WHOLE week. He told me that they are just friends, nothing happend and that she does that sometimes with other friends. For me this is unaccepteble and it dont matter that ”nothing happend”.

What should i do? Im seriously considering leaving him. What should i say? (Sorry, English is not my first language)

nightdrot · Accepted Answer

It seems like you answered your own question when you wrote, "For me this is unaccepteble and it dont (sic) matter that 'nothing happend'(sic)."

If this is, as you suggest, a matter of principle for you, then to stay with him would be a betrayal of your own principles. In that event, two violations of your principles would be allowed to stand. Yours and his.

This, however, really boils down to a matter of trust. If they are friends - and you believe that they are - then it seems there is not much at stake. Express to your boyfriend your concerns and ask him that he not do it again in the future.

If he cares about you and respects you, he will make - and abide by - that promise going forward. It is really no more complicated than that. He cannot "un-ring" the bell, so all you can really ask of him is that he sensitive to your feelings in the future.

On the other hand, if he did violate your core principles, what, at the end of the day, do you really have in common with him? End it now as you can already be certain, based on his prior conduct, that you do not share the same values as you. That is a recipe for the end of a relationship.

That is pretty well where you stand. Taking you at your own words - you should end it.

Miristheiss · Accepted Answer

Well, I personally don't go for this. I'd not be ok with this. Sex, isn't even the issue meaning I could know for a fact that nothing went on but that doesn't matter, I find the entire situation disrespectful and inappropriate, on many different levels. First that they are there so drunk they can't drive home. Entertaining drunk members of the opposite sex in your home is something I'd not be on board with. Almost all disaster stories start with "I was drunk" That entire situation is just a little too close, too intimate, too comfortable, too much alone one on one time sharing your feelings and heart with them.

That being said, you said it was your "new" boyfriend. You probably haven't been his girlfriend long enough to veto this.

If you aren't comfortable with this than this is probably a good wake up call as to how a relationship with this guy would go and what kind of boundaries you can expect. This could be a big sign he's not for you and that you should just move on.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Any man who is in his right mind would totally be thinking " she's my new girlfriend. I dont want her to think im weird. I have a girl thats a friend. Dont wannna freak my new girlfriend out. Ill talk to my friend and let her know its too much and well see how we can do this"
If the friend gets angry... Red fucking flag... If he's not fucking her, she wants to fuck him. Someone wants to fuck. He should be showing u all the respect in the world trying to make u comfortable and want to continue dating him. I mean he wouldn't bring u home to his mother on the first date would he? These are both two "intence" relationship situations that u shouldn't even have to worry about untill your well into the relationship. Defensive behaviour is a red flag. Dont even fight. Nothing u say will work. Just like mammas boys. They will always choose they mammas. And u get to have a preview of the type of behaviour you'll be dealing with if u decide to stay :)

Livinglogical · Accepted Answer

Tehim he has to set appropriate boundaries with her. He has a girlfriend now and she should know itvis not appropriate to stay the week on her own with him. I agree, a drunk night herevor there on the sofa might be OK but that is it. If she can't manage her own behaviour then he has to set the boundaries. It is his job to be respectful towards you, not hers. If he refuses then drop him.

samhradh_leannan · Accepted Answer

Spending a night on the couch once in a blue moon because she was too drunk to drive seems reasonable enough. Spending an entire week seems a little fishy. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable with that and I would suggest talking to him about it.

user019283 · Accepted Answer

I'd say, talk to him and decide then. But I agree - staying the night when she cannot get hime is okay, but staying the week is just absurd!! WHen he told you she stayed how did he justify it anyway?

madhatters4 · Answer

if you accept their friendship and believe them to be truly platonic friends then it shouldn't matter if she stays at his place 1 day or 1000 days.

so it seems to me that you either think there is more to their relationship OR are only ok with the friendship on certain terms that are a bit unfair simply due to her gender.

i think you should talk to him. if you are truly ok with their relationship explain that you are but you still feel bothered by her being there so many days. don't expect to him to do anything aside from hear and understand and hopefully be considerate of your feelings

tafari · Answer

If it really bothers you then you need to talk to him about it. Not that you want it all to stop but that it makes you feel slightly uncomfortable. If he's a decent guy, he'll reassure you and be completely transparent. If he's defensive or avoiding the subject then I would be wary... he would be being defensive for a reason.

ravedave · Answer

I think leaving him is a bit extreme. Talk to him about how the situation makes you feel.

From his perspective it'd be super fucking weird for anything beyond platonic to happen between them, so try and understand his point of view as well.

At the end of the day what matters is that he knows what the boundaries are and what makes you uncomfortable.

VonDamme · Answer

I mean I wouldn't be OK with it... but you should talk to him. I personally feel like even if nothing happened and he didn't see an issue, I don't really trust that she didn't have other motives and that's my real issue. I don't understand why it is that if his parents are out of town the whole time... why didn't you stay with him the whole time too then...

lastchancemotel · Answer

It sounds like you have already made up your mind, I've had friends like that and it comes down to trust, if you don't feel you can trust him then better end it now instead of having a knock out drag out fight where you have a chance of looking like a complete and dumbass or a control freak. You said it yourself, it's unacceptable to you.

reventon4 · Answer

It sounds like he and this girl knew each other before you started dating. However, no there is no chance that nothing happned between these two for an entire week. You have very strong propable cause to deem him cheating and if this is truly unacceptable to you, break up with him

RohitLakra · Answer

When people are in relationship they start living according to a set of natural rules of a couple. His friend's time spent in your boyfriend's house raises eyebrows. If a man loses the trust of his woman then it right for woman to leave him.

CurLyF · Answer

I see nothing wrong with her staying that night, and maybe a day more. But I do feel he's stretching it too far. Don't leave him for this though. Comunication is de foundation to ANY relationship. So talk to him and reach some common ground.

amitiel · Answer

I'd probably talk to him about it before doing anything rash. I used to have a female friend who would stay over all the time but that doesn't mean anything was going on - we would just chill out, watch films and chat.

Anonymous · Answer

You must tell him how you feel and if he choose her over you then don’t hesitate to move on if you think that’s the right thing to do

boggboss · Answer

Thats up 2 u if thats how he treats his friends thats it im the same ill let friends sleep over mine for week whilst im not even there male or female my girlfriend knows this so it dont bother her but everyone is differnt

linds34 · Answer

I think it's okay if a friend comes to visit, the shady part is the excuse of being too drunk to drive home doesn't add up with staying a whole week.

Goochbreaker · Answer

it's not acceptable, tell him if he wants to do that kind of stuff he can find a different girlfriend.

Alemon · Answer

Leave him - because either nothing happened and you are jealous, or something happened and he is unfaithful. Or... you know, talking works too

weaponsdude · Answer

He is playing you. No straight guy does or will do that.

Finchie40 · Answer

Dump him if he respected you she wouldn't of been at his house all week

winterfox10 · Answer

Just express your concern, and ask him not to let her stay over in the future. Don't get weird about this until something actually happens.

issabelle · Answer

tell him how u feel about this its not ok to have another female friend stay over when he's in a relationship

Rainychoc · Answer

You ask him, if you have a male sleep in your house and not on bed. And if he was in your shoes, how would he feel? Ask that then leave

Anonymous · Answer

No way, that's crossing the boundaries. He's in a relationship now, all that should be done with.

Female friend sleeping over at my boyfriends house?

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