Has she really moved on?

[Anonymous]

She broke off our 10 year relationship because she said she lost her attraction. We talked back and forth everyday since the breakup(a little over a month ago). She said that she needed to be on her own and figure out what she wanted and that she would let me know if she would date other people. We have been together since early teens.

I found out that she has been seeing someone from one week after she split. I know him he is a good guy, he approached her.

When I found out I confronted her. She denied it until she realized I wasn't going to give up, then owed up. She answered all of my questions I had, we said our last goodbyes, and I let her know I was moving on.

The next day she sent an email saying that she was sorry how things ended and she thought it would be easier for me if I hated her. She also said I deserve better than her and she needed to meet someone that would give her a clean slate and not know about the wrongs she made in the past. I called her and was an emotional wreck telling her I loved her etc...

She then said she was confused and not sure what she wants. She doesn't want me to wait around but she has to figure this out.

Is there a good chance that we will be together again?

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Thanks everyone for the advice. This is one of the hardest things I have gone through and it is really nice to know that there are people that don't even know me but care enough to offer some help.

Thank you!

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here is the email she sent.( I have to split it up because its too long):I'm very sorry for everything I have done to hurt you. I never wanted to. That was never my intention. I think I've been unhappy for a while. We haven't been getting along for the...

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last few years and I thought I was more of a pain in the ass then anything else. Its brought up that I lived off you rent free and so did my mother. I didn't leave you because of the financial state I left because you always felt that I was using you...

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There's lots of things that have led me to believe I am a manipulator and a user. I guess in the end I wanted a clean slate. I wanted to meet someone that didn't think that way of me. Because yes in the past when I was a teenager I lied and manipulated...

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but over the years I changed. I will always appreciate the things you have done for me. Maybe my choices lately have not been the best but I felt that having you hate me would be easier for you to get over me. I am an outcast always have been always...

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will be. The only time anyone has talked to me lately is because of the drama that's going on. I don't feel that anyone has really been there for me. I feel horrible about the way things ended between us and I know its my fault and your right I will...

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have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life. You deserve someone better then me. I've always said that over the years. I should have handled this situation better but no one really told me how and the ones that did gave me bad advice...

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I hope one day you can forgive me. I wish you all the best in your future. Again I'm sorry.

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I took Rose kitten's advice and she is going to get some counciling! I think this is a good sign!

[rosekitten]

It'll probably stick in her head for a while. If she feels she wants a relationship, she will return, but the problem she is seeing here, is that her new man would be covered up with information that you probably don't care much about, or have already accepted.

If you love her, then you should keep going after her for a while.

If she shows no sign of response, then it's possible she's moved on, however, sometimes it's hard for girls to control their emotions, so they cover things up, with "I need to think about it".

It means it's hard on her, because she still cares.

Just try to understand her, take her out to eat if you want, tell her, you need to talk to her, and it'll be an important talk. Tell her to tell her current boyfriend that she has to handle things with an ex, so that either she will break it off, or be with a new man.

Don't be in the mans face as a jerk, just let him know the situation, as in, you want to know what she wants, and her opinion, then you'll back off when she's done.

If he overreacts, it may be because he has immense feelings for her already, or, if he's okay with it, then just tell him you'll respect both of their boundaries, and that you had been in a ten year relationship.

As far as with attraction, try to get yourself fit, cut your hair before you go, make yourself look good, if you really want her. Get a new suit, and if you want to keep her, make sure you look decent a good amount of time, shower, shave, and stay fit, as in, not too fat, or too thin, but a good thing.

[rosekitten]

What I advise you to do, is get her to go through counceling, or to perhaps try an antidepressant. I was in a state somewhat similar, but basically, it's your form of thinking, and attitude that makes you feel like your worlds crashing down. I was molested on, beaten, homeless, had a guy that treated me like crap, etc.

I still think of all of these thoughts, and sometimes it affects my emotions. However, my maturity has allowed me to control my emotions more.

She's getting herself to believe that she's a horrible person for you, just because you know things, when in theory, the same topic could come up with the other guy. She's going to have the same problem, except, it will appear as guilt as the other guy doesn't know.

Basically, this emotion will continue to strike her, until she can get a chance to hold herself and figure her emotions out. She obviously still cares, there's no sign of that not there, it's just her insecurity over the problem you two had, that she thinks will never be fixed.

In theory, it's finding out how to fix someone. If she doesn't go to counceling, then what else can happen, is getting with a group of friends, writing a letter telling of perspectives, and advicing things.

I was on an antidepressant for 3 months, then quit it. It actually helped my whole outlook change, because I wasn't hitting at myself with the thought of some dude.

I still think of a lot of things in my past, but I feel like I can go through a day without hitting on myself, the difference, is she can't do that.

[rosekitten]

Mostly, it's just a fact that when people are together for a long time, it's easy for people to get an attraction towards someone else. "Your not fresh", but that doesn't mean someone who isn't fresh isn't the one.

See how things go for a while, try to understand her, get answers, and then, if nothing happens, then I say go ahead and move on. Give her a good few weeks or a month.

She needs to figure this out, or she's going to end up regretting something. She needs to be in a situation where she feels comfortable, and knows both men are in good standing.

You need to know, and you don't need to be held on strings, with ridiculous lines.

You need an answer, and you can tell her she can have a few weeks to think, and talk to her in person, not texts, then try to see how that works.

Do what's comfortable for you, and sets your emotions comfortable. Try not to stress yourself too much, and try to relax. Know your going to be OK, and once this is done, you'll have all the answers you need. If you need help moving on, then just post another question later on here or something, and people can offer you advice.

Usually it's just knowing you need to stay positive, not to obsess about obsessive thinking, and to stick with it being in the past. You realize it's out of your hand, and accept the thought in your head as a part of who you are, and that it was an experience for the road ahead.

Keep cool, and see where things go.

[Anonymous]

The best thing you can do is to let her be and find herself. I was in a similar situation. You just need to TRY TRY to forget her existence for a while. DONT contact her, DONT respond to her calls, email or text , Let her be alone with her thougts and this new guy. Drop of the face of the earth for a while. You are a wreck now, go collect yourself. When she is ready to contact you , you will know it. Like I said don't respond to any of those" Hey. how are you" " What's up" text. Only respond if she sends you a meaningfull llengthy text message. Phone calls don't answer those. If she wants to say something meaningfull, shell leave a voicemail. then you'll reply.

My ex dumped me 6 months ago. similar scenario. I let her deal with her thoughts alone andthe new guy, never asked about him. Now she has dumped the guy, sorted herself out. We ve been talking but I don't know where were going yet. SO please take my advice, BE STORNG and LET HER BE. If you were good to her, SHE WILL COME BACK and you wil decide what you want to do from there.

[Asker]

thanks.

[Anonymous]

You have a chance because she's on a rebound. You need to take a step back and clear your head, because your emotions running high. Give it a couple of weeks and come up with a good game plan to get her back. You only have one shot at a second chance though, so don't mess it up. This guy can definitely turn things around for you ==> link

[Anonymous]

NOPE. IVE DONE THE EXACT SAME AS YOUR EX GF. AND HERE'S A GOOD TIP. GIRLS ARE NOT EASY TO LEAVE A GUY IF THEY DON'T ALREADY HAVE ONE LINED UP. MOST LIKELY SHE WAS ALREADY TALKING TO HIM WHILE YOU GUYS WHERE TOGETHER. NOT SAYING SHE CHEATED NOR IS IT A FACT THAT SHE WAS TALKING TO THIS GUY WHILE YOU GUYS WERE TOGETHER! SHE'S ALSO NEVER GONNA TELL YOU SHE DOESN'T LOVE You ANYMORE BECAUSE SHE STILL CARES TO NOT HURT YOUR FEELINGS... SHE FEELS SHE'S ALREADY DONE WRONG BY BREAKING YOUR HEART, SO SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE MEAN. SHE TELLS YOU THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER BECAUSE YOU DO, AND SHE REALLY WANTS YOU TO MOVE ON BECAUSE SHE IS AWARE THAT YOU ARE HURTING AND SHE DOESN'T WANT THAT. AND IF SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO You WAITING AROUND, ITS BECAUSE SHE MEANS IT. SHE HAS MOVED ON, YOU NEED TO DO THE SAME AS HARD AS IT IS? =[ AND WHEN SHE TELLS YOU SHE IS CONFUSED, IT'S BECAUSE YOU GET HER CONFUSED, SHE KNOWS SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU OR WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER, BUT SEES THAT YOU ARE HURT AND GETS CONFUSED TO GET BACK WITH YOU JUST SO YOU WONT BE HURTING [PITY]... BUT NOT BECAUSE SHE WANTS YOU BACK? LIFE SO CONFUSING, SO HARD =] IM SORRY FOR YOUR 10YR RELATIONSHIP...! REALLY SORRY!

[Opinion Owner]

PS: IM NOT SAYING ALL OF THIS IS TRUE. THIS IS MY OPINION.. =]

[rosekitten]

No, but sometimes I'm a little crazy. :P

I still have problems, but I begun to realize, that all it ever is, is anxiety, or a mental state of mind.

Often, everybody at some point has some problem with themself, they can't get over.

Counceling is healthy, and is very useful.

Negative thoughts are normal, but one thing to realize, is that when you continue to say negative things, you make yourself believe that. When you counteract a negative thought with a positive thought, it cancels out. When it's positive, you feel much more calm.

When it's negative, your edgy, tearful, or like a person speeding down the highway.

[Asker]

Well, Thank you. I don't know who you are but you have really helped. :)

[Wlad14]

One more thing. Be patient. It took my ex about 4 to 5 months to start sending those meaningfull text. No matter what you do,dont don't dont I repeat don't contact her. BDAy, Holiday DONT wish SH*t. She won't see it as you don't care because she already knows you love her.

[Asker]

Is that really the way to a girl's heart. No contact.

I see this everywhere I read relationship stuff.

[rosekitten]

Not necessarily, it holds someone on strings, and they have the capabilities to think of various different scenarios: "Does he hate me?" "Did he move on?" "What do I do?" It keeps someone guessing.

[rosekitten]

It seriously sounds as though she's regretting words she's saying. Basically, depending on the way a female words things, can be an intense meaning behind what their saying.

Another fact to know, is that sometimes people don't say what they mean, and change their mind.

Just do things the best you can, and good luck.

[rosekitten]

It sounds as though when she says "clean Slate" she means she thinks something about her, you don't like, and she's not comfortable with it. She thinks you hate something about her.

[Asker]

What would be the best way to offer her a "clean Slate". How would your heart be won back if you were her?

[rosekitten]

There's a few things that could work:

Telling her, the past doesn't matter, because if it doesn't, then you wouldn't be chasing after her in the first place, and she needs to realize this statement.

Telling her, she needs to take time, to realize that she can have had problems in the past, but that doesn't affect the present.

For example, if you were to be stabbed, you can and always will remember that experience, however, if no things lead to that as being current, then you mature, and

[rosekitten]

let me read and think this for a minute on other possibilities, but in continuation.

Basically, your life will always have experiences, you may have these past tramuas, but you need to mature to grow out of them, and realize, that what's happening now is different. For example, like that stabbing thing, of course you'd have a fear, but you need to realize there's a point where you need to grasp those emotions and start realizing thingsYou will always remember those pains however. Referring 2her

[rosekitten]

She sees herself as this state, however, there's no difference between you and the other guy then knowledge. Just because someone does something, doesn't mean they can't change, and if she can change for him, then she can change for you. It's a mental state, where she's getting herself to believe her actions are not good for your health, yet if she can change her outlook, it could be different. Basically, it's just her form of thinking that's causing her actions.

[Asker]

Thank you. you are very insightful. Are you a psycologist?