If you're unhappy in your marriage, would you stay back because of your kids or get a divorce?

[Chikky]

[RACSKC0B]

So far as I've seen in any kind of relationship (in my own, and in people I've known), if someone in it isn't happy, they will gradually make everyone else equally unhappy. Doesn't really matter why they're unhappy, it could be they feel underappreciated, or overburden, maybe they feel someone else isn't pulling their own, or they're making more work for others.
What's really weird is that how valid their point of view is, also doesn't seem to matter, and sometimes even after pointing out how they're mistaken (after they acknowledge they're not the only one contributing) some will still be communicably unhappy.
I only say all of that because it's not just the couple that's being affected, make no mistake, the kids are aware. They just don't know how to deal with it, they don't have enough real life experience of they're own, so they fallow what their parents are doing about it. They pretend they don't see it, & act like they don't notice how uncomfortable things get sometimes.
But trust me, they feel it.
So, the question is would I stay, if I were unhappy in my marriage for the sake of the kids?
That depends on a few things, first of all, why am I unhappy exactly?
If they cheated, at the very least I'd probably take a similar mindset to Lester Burnham (minus the pedophilia fantasy, and the weird bit with the closest gay military dad neighbor).
Of course, a lot of the time people don't really know why they're not happy in a marriage, so they find a reason. Or they make their partner equally as unhappy, then when the partner messes up in anyway, it gets blown out of proportion. But they get to blame the failure on the other person, and play the victim at the same time.
With that said, do you know why you're unhappy in your marriage?

[horsenrhinounicorn]

I would do everything I can to make it work. A marriage counselor that is unbiased can help make things better for the children. If struggling in finances see if their are churches or non profits that one can afford. Dedicate personal time to have a time of reflection so that one can improve themselves and improve the peace in the home. Don’t put the kids in the middle. The kids are the ones who suffer the most, they love both mom and dad and often parents are two of their best friends, the moment one moves out, the child has just had that best friend cutoff. Alcohol, drugs etc should be done outside the home. Adults and children often react to a reward system, positive words, prizes, gifts, time, physical, etc. Everyone has a different love language, each has to gift the other by their love language if not then the family goes downhill. Don’t say negative things about spouses and don't use the kids if one has to go to court. It createsirreparable damage to a child and affects their future friendships and marriages.

[btbc92]

When are people going to realize that marriage is not about happiness. If you are already miserable before, is not going to make it any better if you get married. Unhappiness is not a logical reason for divorce. If you're unhappy with your marriage, then you need to change your marriage by having an understanding of what needs to be changed. When you decide to get married you made your vows. To death do you apart. If you know darn well you cannot find yourself being married to that person forever into one of you dies, don't get married at all. Your kids are priority, happiness comes last.

[TonyMetal___86]

Wise lady who knows how a true marriage works, by the way if they truly love each other, they will always find a way to be happy and in the end they might thank god just because they have each other 😊

[jennifer_bloom]

It depends how bad the marriage is and how I felt about it - whether I was a little bored or extremely miserable

[Xoxocutekitty]

I think it would depend on why I'm unhappy. Cliche and unpopular opinion: People don't change... I don't think it's that straightforward. I think people can grow and change in an environment that fosters growth and change.

From your question, it sounds like you value your connection to your children and quite possibly the ideal of being part of a 'traditional/married" union.

It sounds like your partner is not meeting your needs and before making any decisions, ask yourself what are your needs? Can you articulate them tangible, quantifiable tasks/behaviors etc? Maybe your partner never takes out the trash, kisses you, or verbally degrades you in front of his family. There's likely a whole list of shitty things they do, and a longer list of things they don't do and you want them to.

If you genuinely want to stay married, then I say, go to counseling and be ready to hear things that aren't true and that you don't like. Sometimes just letting both parties put stuff on the table helps them get to the stage of, alright, how do we tackle these things together?

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Never gonna have kids, so this is hypothetical, but I would get a divorce.

My father couldn't get a divorce because he's Catholic and doesn't believe in it. And he couldn't see that my mother was abusing both him and me (abuse is reasonable grounds for divorce for Catholics).

Because he chose to stay with an insane woman, my life has been endlessly worse than if I had just been raised by him alone. Seeing my father suffer - and continue to suffer - through a mostly loveless marriage to a woman who is entirely dependent on him has been terrible. I worry for him constantly, his blood pressure is chronically high, and he can't even spend time with me - his only child - without having to extract himself from his wife.

In order to see his own daughter, he basically had to act like he was sneaking around to see a mistress. It made both of us feel highly uncomfortable, but if we didn't then my mother would scream at him for "leaving her out". He even had to sneak out for coffees without her for the four months she managed to hold down a temp job in the same building as him.

Staying in an unhappy marriage doesn't spare your children. It just teaches them to accept unhappy fates, to accept dissatisfaction in relationships (or worse), and to disregard their own happiness.

Divorce. Be true to yourself so your children learn to be true to themselves.

[TomBham]

You forgot one more thing, in case of divorce 99% chance that you would have to stay with your mother, without influence on court.

Even, when she is useless like mother and has no way of getting any income going and you father is a millionaire and father of the year of all world.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

@TomBham Good point, though it depends on your country. If my dad had divorced, I would have been able to choose to live with him. And I'd have had evidence of my mother's insanity, too.

I just feel lucky to live somewhere that isn't the US.

[TomBham]

Ok, you would be lucky then.

In some countries your father wouldn't have to put up with this stuff.

A lot of Muslim countries have totally different views on women...

I'm not religious or support any religion or lack of it, it is up to every person as long as it is legal.

I'm in UK and I think woman most likely would get kids.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

@TomBham Yeah, I disagree with the widespread societal view that "oh the mother is always the best choice". I know more great dads than I know great moms.

[TomBham]

I would very much agree on that.

It should be looked at on individual/case by case basis.

As I seen huge amount of women that shouldn't be allowed to look after kids.

On the other side I seen fare share of men too who should be allowed to do it too.

These days there is soo many parents, that are there just for social welfare...

[denver25]

get a divorce.. i hate the way society forces people to feel bad for not “fixing” their marriage for the sake of the kids when some marriages can’t be fixed. Staying only teaches your kids to settle with being unhappy in a marriage you no longer want to be apart of. The kids will grow up anyway and eventually learn that not all relationships/marriages last but that doesn’t mean they have to end in a tragedy..
It’s ok to think about the kids and their happiness but you can’t forget about yourself and your happiness as well.

[GlitterFairy16]

Id try to better the relationship as much as i could but if nothing works. It's better to have two parents who still get along and work well together but are just not in love anymore or living together over having two parents who don't love each other and fight constantly but stay together because of the child when really that kind of environment is worse for a child as they will eventually blame themselves for their parents not getting along and have a unhealthy, toxic view on relationships and start to think broken marriages are normal.

[TonyMetal___86]

Why do you think that nothing might work? In a true marriage where there is real love, there will always be something that will fix thr sacred bond between a husband and his wife 🙂

[GlitterFairy16]

@TonyMetal___86 sometimes people fall out of love and theirs nothing you can do to save it and the longer they stay together and pretend things are fixed the more toxic the relationship can become.

Im not saying thats the same for every couple but some couples unfortunately there's just no going back especially if cheating is involved.

As someone who's seen this first hand from 3 of my aunties ex husbands. Sometimes marriages are better off ending then staying together and messing up there children by constantly fighting in front of them and pretending to be happy when there clearly not

[TonyMetal___86]

That's true but if there was no cheating, why would you fall out from love? There is no such thing as falling out from love when your married, because you have to know what a real marriage is!

It's a vow in front of god and a sacred committment, even if your argue a lot and fight a lot and aren'r loving each other anymore, there will be a time when god will lead you both to the right path again and forget everything that happened!

It's up to you and in what you believe and what does marriage means for you...

If people divorces just for the sake of faliing out of love than no one would still be married today 😄

Marriage has it's ups an downs and the couple must go through it together and win...

[GlitterFairy16]

@TonyMetal___86 unfortunately some people think they are in love when they get married and not everyone gets married for religions reasons these day either. Plenty of people get married outside of a church these days. Not everyone is a Christian

It is possible to fall out of love with someone I've seen it with my own eyes.

[TonyMetal___86]

Your right, if someone is getting married just on the papers, everything can happen and they can divorce at any occuring opsticule...
Also many christians who doesn't have a strong faith might subject to the negative force and divorce...

No one gets married for a religious reasons, of your a christian, you get married because you love the person and cannot live without him but when both get married, you will follow your faith and god will lead you to the right path so you make your marriage lasts forever, both of you will work it out together...

I know that people fall out from love but i'm telling you that each person will deal with this situation differently...

[Finchie40]

You should figure out what is making you unhappy first before jumping the gun , we all go through good and bad moments in life so feeling unhappy in your marriage might just be a faze you are going through , unless your partner is cheating on you or hitting you BM and constantly bad mouthing you then that might be a good reason to leave but if if you are unhappy just because you feel like you are missing out on things then that’s just a faze , best thing to do is ask yourself would you be ok if your partner wasn’t in your life anymore , that you will never see them or talk to them again that they will be in the arms of someone else , if you feel you can live without them for a long period of time , not just a day lol then make your move but if you feel you will miss them then stay in the marriage

[Bang5luts]

First, assess the situation and discuss it with your partner. Try marriage counseling and every thing you can to save your marriage. Then if things don't change talk to your source again and decide at that point.

Divorce is a horrible process that can and will affect everyone in your family. But not being honest about your feelings or trying to just accept things the way they are will not make things better. You'll end up hating yourself and the other person. Even if not in your conscience mind, your subconscious mind will act out in anger or hostility.

[Anonymous]

Move on, I will not spend up to 18 years of my life unhappy.

Kids, yes I would do everything to get them the best I can, but I might find better woman for next chapter of my life or be much happier alone, then spend those years in prison of bad energy and fighting.

Don't forget, she could find someone, better then me for her life, then me.

I don't think, that it will be any good for kids to spend their childhood with always fighting parents.

My childhood was where my parents decided to stick with it for children, but 24/7 it was constant argument and I hated that environment.

[Darcia]

I would not stay for the kids because it will become very difficult to care for the kids while going through something like this. You get a divorce it makes it better for the kids and you can finally move on. But marrying while young is never a good idea.

[longlicker6969]

I would stay because of my kids if my relationship with my wife was tenable, and the kids weren't aware of the issues we were having. I think they deserve a stable home life. If my wife and I literally hated each other, I would get a divorce because my kids need to see a positive influence in their lives, and should know how to deal with adversity in their lives.

[DannyUk2017]

1st Answer! I'll just stay couse of the kids, but i'll mind my own "bussiness". Once they grew up and have their own things, then i would just take my"life" my "matter" in to my own hands... i'm going through it right now.. so yeah! But all this depends from person to person...

[Mia-Wallace]

I don't know.

I think it would depend on whether our unhappy marriage is affecting our children or not. If it was, then I think I would prefer a divorce. If it wasn't, that is, if it didn't involve violence or sever lack of communication in the whole family, then maybe I would consider staying for the children. Maybe we could find ways to overcome our problems.

Either way, for me the children and their happiness will be the priority, not my own.

[TonyMetal___86]

I don't believe in divorce which means a marriage is sacred and once your married than your forever married unless there was cheating or continuous beating...
If i'm unhappy than we will try our best to make each other happy, it's too easy only if the couple wants their marriage or believes that their marriage is sacred and must last forever...

[Liam_Hayden]

I would strive to make it happy. Again, if one views love as the emotion, your relationship is probably doomed because emotions go up and down. If instead you view love as the commitment to seek the better for the other, you will stand a far better chance of making it.

[Slate69]

I stayed for the kids
Can't say it was the right thing for me
But was best for the kids at the time
It was a hard 20 years for me
But I never cheated on my X
But she did in me 2 years before the divorce.
Pm me if you have questions.

[sillyfairy474]

If the relationship is no longer making me happy and it can’t be fixed, then yes I’d leave. Life is too short to not be fulfilled and if you’re not happy, you’re just modeling an unhealthy dynamic to your kids as the norm.

[bobalife]

I would work with my man to see what we can do. If there’s no solutions, the right thing to do is divorce and maintain a good co-parenting relationship for the kids.

[Brrrrrrrr]

This is a hard question. And the main reason that stops me from rushing into marriage. I personally feel humans need to be more responsible. Especially when it comes to bringing Children into the World. No one can predict if a marriage can fail but one can definitely prepare and plan better.

It's a situation I hope I won't ever find myself in.

[R3DthatDude]

I would try to resolve it. Even when I’m single I’m not happy every single day, there are ups and downs. If you leave just because your unhappy then you’re doom to repeat in the next marriage if you decide to try again.