If you're unhappy in your marriage, would you stay back because of your kids or get a divorce?

Question

RACSKC0B · Accepted Answer

So far as I've seen in any kind of relationship (in my own, and in people I've known), if someone in it isn't happy, they will gradually make everyone else equally unhappy. Doesn't really matter why they're unhappy, it could be they feel underappreciated, or overburden, maybe they feel someone else isn't pulling their own, or they're making more work for others.
What's really weird is that how valid their point of view is, also doesn't seem to matter, and sometimes even after pointing out how they're mistaken (after they acknowledge they're not the only one contributing) some will still be communicably unhappy.
I only say all of that because it's not just the couple that's being affected, make no mistake, the kids are aware. They just don't know how to deal with it, they don't have enough real life experience of they're own, so they fallow what their parents are doing about it. They pretend they don't see it, & act like they don't notice how uncomfortable things get sometimes.
But trust me, they feel it.
So, the question is would I stay, if I were unhappy in my marriage for the sake of the kids?
That depends on a few things, first of all, why am I unhappy exactly?
If they cheated, at the very least I'd probably take a similar mindset to Lester Burnham (minus the pedophilia fantasy, and the weird bit with the closest gay military dad neighbor).
Of course, a lot of the time people don't really know why they're not happy in a marriage, so they find a reason. Or they make their partner equally as unhappy, then when the partner messes up in anyway, it gets blown out of proportion. But they get to blame the failure on the other person, and play the victim at the same time.
With that said, do you know why you're unhappy in your marriage?

horsenrhinounicorn · Accepted Answer

I would do everything I can to make it work. A marriage counselor that is unbiased can help make things better for the children. If struggling in finances see if their are churches or non profits that one can afford. Dedicate personal time to have a time of reflection so that one can improve themselves and improve the peace in the home. Don’t put the kids in the middle. The kids are the ones who suffer the most, they love both mom and dad and often parents are two of their best friends, the moment one moves out, the child has just had that best friend cutoff. Alcohol, drugs etc should be done outside the home. Adults and children often react to a reward system, positive words, prizes, gifts, time, physical, etc. Everyone has a different love language, each has to gift the other by their love language if not then the family goes downhill. Don’t say negative things about spouses and don't use the kids if one has to go to court. It createsirreparable damage to a child and affects their future friendships and marriages.

jennifer_bloom · Answer

It depends how bad the marriage is and how I felt about it - whether I was a little bored or extremely miserable

Xoxocutekitty · Answer

I think it would depend on why I'm unhappy. Cliche and unpopular opinion: People don't change... I don't think it's that straightforward. I think people can grow and change in an environment that fosters growth and change.

From your question, it sounds like you value your connection to your children and quite possibly the ideal of being part of a 'traditional/married" union.

It sounds like your partner is not meeting your needs and before making any decisions, ask yourself what are your needs? Can you articulate them tangible, quantifiable tasks/behaviors etc? Maybe your partner never takes out the trash, kisses you, or verbally degrades you in front of his family. There's likely a whole list of shitty things they do, and a longer list of things they don't do and you want them to.

If you genuinely want to stay married, then I say, go to counseling and be ready to hear things that aren't true and that you don't like. Sometimes just letting both parties put stuff on the table helps them get to the stage of, alright, how do we tackle these things together?

Smoke-n-Growls · Answer

Never gonna have kids, so this is hypothetical, but I would get a divorce.

My father couldn't get a divorce because he's Catholic and doesn't believe in it. And he couldn't see that my mother was abusing both him and me (abuse is reasonable grounds for divorce for Catholics).

Because he chose to stay with an insane woman, my life has been endlessly worse than if I had just been raised by him alone. Seeing my father suffer - and continue to suffer - through a mostly loveless marriage to a woman who is entirely dependent on him has been terrible. I worry for him constantly, his blood pressure is chronically high, and he can't even spend time with me - his only child - without having to extract himself from his wife.

In order to see his own daughter, he basically had to act like he was sneaking around to see a mistress. It made both of us feel highly uncomfortable, but if we didn't then my mother would scream at him for "leaving her out". He even had to sneak out for coffees without her for the four months she managed to hold down a temp job in the same building as him.

Staying in an unhappy marriage doesn't spare your children. It just teaches them to accept unhappy fates, to accept dissatisfaction in relationships (or worse), and to disregard their own happiness.

Divorce. Be true to yourself so your children learn to be true to themselves.

btbc92 · Answer

When are people going to realize that marriage is not about happiness. If you are already miserable before, is not going to make it any better if you get married. Unhappiness is not a logical reason for divorce. If you're unhappy with your marriage, then you need to change your marriage by having an understanding of what needs to be changed. When you decide to get married you made your vows. To death do you apart. If you know darn well you cannot find yourself being married to that person forever into one of you dies, don't get married at all. Your kids are priority, happiness comes last.

denver25 · Answer

get a divorce.. i hate the way society forces people to feel bad for not “fixing” their marriage for the sake of the kids when some marriages can’t be fixed. Staying only teaches your kids to settle with being unhappy in a marriage you no longer want to be apart of. The kids will grow up anyway and eventually learn that not all relationships/marriages last but that doesn’t mean they have to end in a tragedy..
It’s ok to think about the kids and their happiness but you can’t forget about yourself and your happiness as well.

Finchie40 · Answer

You should figure out what is making you unhappy first before jumping the gun , we all go through good and bad moments in life so feeling unhappy in your marriage might just be a faze you are going through , unless your partner is cheating on you or hitting you BM and constantly bad mouthing you then that might be a good reason to leave but if if you are unhappy just because you feel like you are missing out on things then that’s just a faze , best thing to do is ask yourself would you be ok if your partner wasn’t in your life anymore , that you will never see them or talk to them again that they will be in the arms of someone else , if you feel you can live without them for a long period of time , not just a day lol then make your move but if you feel you will miss them then stay in the marriage

GlitterFairy16 · Answer

Id try to better the relationship as much as i could but if nothing works. It's better to have two parents who still get along and work well together but are just not in love anymore or living together over having two parents who don't love each other and fight constantly but stay together because of the child when really that kind of environment is worse for a child as they will eventually blame themselves for their parents not getting along and have a unhealthy, toxic view on relationships and start to think broken marriages are normal.

Bang5luts · Answer

First, assess the situation and discuss it with your partner. Try marriage counseling and every thing you can to save your marriage. Then if things don't change talk to your source again and decide at that point.

Divorce is a horrible process that can and will affect everyone in your family. But not being honest about your feelings or trying to just accept things the way they are will not make things better. You'll end up hating yourself and the other person. Even if not in your conscience mind, your subconscious mind will act out in anger or hostility.

Anonymous · Answer

Move on, I will not spend up to 18 years of my life unhappy.

Kids, yes I would do everything to get them the best I can, but I might find better woman for next chapter of my life or be much happier alone, then spend those years in prison of bad energy and fighting.

Don't forget, she could find someone, better then me for her life, then me.

I don't think, that it will be any good for kids to spend their childhood with always fighting parents.

My childhood was where my parents decided to stick with it for children, but 24/7 it was constant argument and I hated that environment.

Darcia · Answer

I would not stay for the kids because it will become very difficult to care for the kids while going through something like this. You get a divorce it makes it better for the kids and you can finally move on. But marrying while young is never a good idea.

longlicker6969 · Answer

I would stay because of my kids if my relationship with my wife was tenable, and the kids weren't aware of the issues we were having. I think they deserve a stable home life. If my wife and I literally hated each other, I would get a divorce because my kids need to see a positive influence in their lives, and should know how to deal with adversity in their lives.

DannyUk2017 · Answer

1st Answer! I'll just stay couse of the kids, but i'll mind my own "bussiness". Once they grew up and have their own things, then i would just take my"life" my "matter" in to my own hands... i'm going through it right now.. so yeah! But all this depends from person to person...

Mia-Wallace · Answer

I don't know.

I think it would depend on whether our unhappy marriage is affecting our children or not. If it was, then I think I would prefer a divorce. If it wasn't, that is, if it didn't involve violence or sever lack of communication in the whole family, then maybe I would consider staying for the children. Maybe we could find ways to overcome our problems.

Either way, for me the children and their happiness will be the priority, not my own.

Liam_Hayden · Answer

I would strive to make it happy. Again, if one views love as the emotion, your relationship is probably doomed because emotions go up and down. If instead you view love as the commitment to seek the better for the other, you will stand a far better chance of making it.

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

I don't believe in divorce which means a marriage is sacred and once your married than your forever married unless there was cheating or continuous beating...
If i'm unhappy than we will try our best to make each other happy, it's too easy only if the couple wants their marriage or believes that their marriage is sacred and must last forever...

Slate69 · Answer

I stayed for the kids
Can't say it was the right thing for me
But was best for the kids at the time
It was a hard 20 years for me
But I never cheated on my X
But she did in me 2 years before the divorce.
Pm me if you have questions.

sillyfairy474 · Answer

If the relationship is no longer making me happy and it can’t be fixed, then yes I’d leave. Life is too short to not be fulfilled and if you’re not happy, you’re just modeling an unhealthy dynamic to your kids as the norm.

bobalife · Answer

I would work with my man to see what we can do. If there’s no solutions, the right thing to do is divorce and maintain a good co-parenting relationship for the kids.

Brrrrrrrr · Answer

This is a hard question. And the main reason that stops me from rushing into marriage. I personally feel humans need to be more responsible. Especially when it comes to bringing Children into the World. No one can predict if a marriage can fail but one can definitely prepare and plan better.

It's a situation I hope I won't ever find myself in.

R3DthatDude · Answer

I would try to resolve it. Even when I’m single I’m not happy every single day, there are ups and downs. If you leave just because your unhappy then you’re doom to repeat in the next marriage if you decide to try again.

Espresso-Grande · Answer

If we couldn't salvage the marriage, I'd leave but work with him to to co-parent , so the kids aren't affected as much by our separation.

DizzyDesii · Answer

If he didn't cheat and wasn't disrespectful then i’d try to make it work. But once the kids go to college, i’d def roll out

Alexandrubaschet08 · Answer

I will stay no mather what, it whas olso my chois to say "yes" when it whas the time. Now i will suport the consequens

pigoat · Answer

I can't answer that without the experience  Now the answer is always Yes I'm leaving that marriage kids or not

Anonymous · Answer

Probably depends whether unhappy means fighting or unhappy means just... dead marriage but get along ok.  im in a sexless, affection less marriage. That probably answers your question.

Iron_Man · Answer

I will try to stick it out and salvage the marriage for the kids sake and maybe we could rekindle an old flame that we once had me and my wife

allenwants2 · Answer

I stayed married 26 years stayed 20 of those years for the kids and even though it took more strength than you can imagine I have no regrets because of my beautiful kids

bradc00 · Answer

Leave. I only have one life and I’m not gonna spend most of it being miserable.

bklynbadboy1 · Answer

It really depends on how bad the marriage is. But I will say this if its really bad I'd leave and we'd just have to coparent

TheAfrikan · Answer

Divorce  since marriage is great with happiness, so where there is no happiness then that is not marriage it is a disaster instead. #runaway when you still can.

ColHathi · Answer

I think that really depends on a lot of factors. I don't think that's a simple answer at all.

HATR3D · Answer

This is why I think people shouldn't jump into merriage in their 20s because it always goes to shit

Gedaria · Answer

I would say , why are you unhappy. Or is it boredom

LEADFOOTboi · Answer

i'd stay for my kids... and try to fix what i got...

certifiedalphafemale · Answer

If I don't have kids, then I'd file for annulment. We don't have divorce in our country.

ProLife · Answer

Divorce, women will take the kids and the house as we know. anyway.

jimmy2 · Answer

That's a tough one. It seens today kids dont matter. Its the kids who carry most of the hurt

SavageGirl101 · Answer

Get a divorce fuck dem kids🥰

H8INCHES · Answer

I did that when my daughter was 2. But we got divorced when she was 7 anyway.

alance99 · Answer

I would stay back and try to make it up for kids

Kelly6 · Answer

I would stay for my kids

dandiecandie · Answer

Get a divorce

Agape93 · Answer

Divorce.

Anonymous · Answer

Try and stay because of the kids.

Iamcoming · Answer

I try leave

AkshiJanjua · Answer

Divorce

mrgspoter · Answer

Don't know

eagle1951 · Answer

stay for the kids

Chiefbenttwig · Answer

Yes for the kids

If you're unhappy in your marriage, would you stay back because of your kids or get a divorce?

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