Why do you stay if you're in an unhappy marriage?

Question

Hi guys, I recently had a conversation with my friend he opened up on he's marriage about he's wife of 6 years (she is also a friend but I met her through him) he told me she moans about the things he enjoys in life like watching or playing football, meeting with friends alone, disagrees on pretty much nearly every decision to do with their two children, he quoted "I am always in her bad books" I have been out a few times with them on couple dates (me and my boyfriend, my friend and he's wife) and have noticed she likes to make fun of him, he would be telling a story and she would say things like oh no that didn't happen and laugh, basically belittling him, he also says he has tons of washing, ironing, cleaning and looking after the kids to do while she goes out which he said he wasn't too happy about (he did say he doesn't mind helping out with chores) but she has so much more freedom than him, He also stated she is very argumentative, My question is why do nice genuine people stay in unhappy marriages? Is this common? I hope when I get married it won't be that bitter, I don't understand why he stays I really don't I just wouldn't say this to him, I just try to be a listening ear.

Not_Average · Accepted Answer

Marriage isn’t a concept of what can I get out of this. It’s selfless sacrificial love. There will be ebbs and flows in any marriage. There could be a season of let’s say.. three years in which a partner is less than happy. They work through it, and they end up fixing the issue and become extremely satisfied. Then, the next 5 years are great. The kind of bond this creates and character development through these hard times is something so immensely satisfying. It binds you and your spouse in a way that you could never replicate with anyone else. It makes you a better person. Walk away whenever it gets hard, and you’ll just end up being an empty shell never being fulfilled.

You should tell your friend to stop pouting about his issues to another woman. That’s disrespectful to his marriage. Maybe you should tell him to man up and take charge of his marriage and lead it. She’s arguementive because she most likely feels unheard. She most likely disrespects him because he fails to assume leadership. He’s most likely just stagnant in taking action in their marriage. We can’t control other people’s actions, but we can control ours. Maybe she senses that he’s bitching about her to other women and that makes her uncomfortable. Tell him to follow through with the oath he made and be there through thick and thin. He made a commitment.

wtf636 · Accepted Answer

Well, one. Because some people take marriage seriously and most people don't. When you marry someone, you are making a conscious decision to be with that person FOREVER. Until one of you dies. Everyone says it, barely anyone follows it. They don't say till "I get tired of you" we part.

He may not be happy all the time, but it sounds like he doesn't really do much about it. He doesn't have to leave her to stand up for her. I bet next time she made fun of him in public, if he snapped back and told her to shut the fuck up, or made fun of her a bit, I'm sure the embarrassment of that would put a stop to it, or start a fight where she leaves.

He is probably afraid that if HE says something, she will leave. A lot of the types that do things like this, can't handle when the script is flipped. If he was acting this way, she would be gone.

So basically, this man chose wrong. And he believes in his commitment, especially if children are involved. Or believes that he can not do better. Doesn't stand up for himself, so his wife doesn't respect him and walks all over him, whether she realizes she is doing it or not.

DaveJord · Answer

I did for over 10 years because I had a job that would make it possible for me to see my kids and I knew she would make it impossible to manage... other than that neve!!! Absolutely NO, NEVER again, and greatly regret it the first time. If would of ended when I was younger I could have kids with a better person and had a better relationship with my kids today... but hind sight is 20/20.

My kids are grown now and I dumped that ass as soon as I could unload her after my youngest turned 16... I just could not take it any more.

mobiusforniner · Answer

Because marriage is a commitment, especially when kids are involved. I'd deal with the pain as long as I knew my kids have a dad in their life. I jumping out because things aren't working is being selfish.

And by the way, a guy openly complaining to you about his marriage isn't healthy. You may think of yourself as a listening ear, but what he sees is someone who validates and understands him. Dont be surprised if he develops feelings for you. I only say this because I was that guy. I had a female friend who listened and validated me. It felt good. After a couple years I realized i was prioritizing her over my wife. And thats how affairs begin.

Lionman95 · Answer

The reason why guys stay in these relationships in my opinion that they tend to compromise with their feelings. Many of us guys are afraid to talk about their feelings and don't know how to fight for their point.
They don't want to create a fight or an argument that destroys their relationship.
Guys feel they can keep their family secure by pleasing their wifes.
They don't want to be seen as the reason that destroyed their marriage fearing they are viewed as demanding without giving something back.
Also a fear could be that they could lose contact to their children while still keep paying for them.

JasM0 · Answer

Happiness in a marriage is a choice. The problem seems to be that his wife doesn’t respect him. Respect is the foundation of relationships for men. Without it, it’s a wrap. That goes for marriage, work, etc.

There’s three sides to a coin, heads, tales, the the side it never lands on. The question is, ‘is it worth fixing?’ Fixing is in men’s nature. Will they both work on it?

Regards!

Wester1967 · Answer

I swear to Jesus, I don't know. My parents stayed in dysfunctional relationship for years. They said it was "for the children". Completely whacked. Gave us a terrible model. Ruined me and my brother. My marriage lasted 8 months. My brother keeps getting dumped by his GFs and is killing himself with alcoholism. That's the most convoluted pile of BS I ever heard. If you don't have kids and you are a masochist, maybe it's for you. But if you have kids and you hate your partner, for the love of God, please do something else besides model hatred and dysfunction for your own self centered reasons.

JSmuve · Answer

Because marriage isn't like any normal break-up where you part ways. It's a legal break-up. The courts are involved. Money is involved. Lawyer's are involved. It's messy. And if kids are involved, then it's even messier. It's less expensive for him to stay in the marriage and suffer than to be outside of the marriage and suffer. That's the reality of marriage for guys. You can't just walk away once you're in it. It sticks with you.

Leonharted · Answer

Someone already asked this question.

VikingWarLord · Answer

Lifelong Monogamy is the biggest SCAM (aside from Religion) ever perpetrated upon humanity. This is mainly why, people can't live together most of the time because they have different tastes and views, not to mention that your tastes and views may change over time.

zagor · Answer

Maybe he feels trapped, and stays for the sake of the kids. I always think people should wait a couple years before having kids. Plus unless he is wealthy the burden of two households would be overwhelming.

FinalFantasyBro · Answer

Usually most people get scared of the consequences of the thought of divorce or they might want children and it will be difficult having children as a single parent.

Why do you stay if you're in an unhappy marriage?

Superb Opinion

Most Helpful Opinions

What Guys Said