Why do married couples stay together if they are completely unhappy with each other?

Question

I am friends with a married woman that her and her husband no longer share a bed together and they sleep in different rooms. She confides in me and asks for advice a lot and I tell her straight out that she needs to file a divorce and go their separate ways , but she doesn’t do so for whatever reason. Would you stay in a marriage where your partner no longer wants to share a bed with you?

DaveJord · Accepted Answer

So, I was married for 24 years. I got married at 20 years old. The marriage was not all that bad all the time. At first things are the way they are, and being so young some of those things you just assume is what marriage is about and like.

Over time small things become bigger things, and you start going through the peaks and valleys. I stayed because more less I knew in a divorce she would make my life a living hell. Then there were the kids, and I knew if I left, she would weaponize my children against me, so I waited until my oldest was gone, and my youngest was 16. I was trying to hold out until she was 18, but I could not do it.

Sure enough, my ex did everything she could do to prevent me from ever seeing my 16-year-old again. I been divorced for three years, and I have not got text, phone call, or post card from my daughter since 2020. Last time I saw her, my daughter told me that her mother monitors her phone and all social media, and asked me not to try to contact her, because she does not want to deal with her mother.

If I had stayed in the marriage, I would have been a millionaire by now. In the divorce we had 800,000 in assets. We had to sell it all, and split 400K a piece. But had we stayed married we would be valued over 1.2 million in assets, and my daughter would still be playing games with me, talking to me, going to movies and meals together and hanging out like we always did before.

I stayed for the child, because I was naive enough to make myself believe that by staying, I was protecting her or at least shielding her from the emotional abuse. I was fool, and I failed her in that way.

Marriage is not all about love, most people just do not realize it. Love is only one aspect of marriage... but marriage is very complicated and there are a lot of twists and turns and hills and valleys. All those paths intersect each other at different points, and you never know where any of it leads, but you keep walking that path because it is a path you know, and you want to believe in it so badly because you have invested so much. Like you have invested everything you have in this one thing, and now 10 plus years later it trashed, and you are so unhappy... but you have all these strings attached to you... that you can't just leave it all behind like it doesn't matter anymore. So, you get suckered into staying, you talk yourself into staying... but in the end leaving was the only option you ever really had, it just took you 24 years to come around to it.

So you stayed even when you were unhappy, because you invested so much into it. Had so much tied to it, emotionally and financially, you get bullied into staying, or intimidated into no leaving, because how do you really get away from it all?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Marriage isn't about happiness its about security. If you want happiness don't get married just do drugs or sleep around like a whore from person to person man until you get tired of each other.

If you want security for your children and yourself and avoid both becoming a liability to the rest of us get married and stay married. Work out your issues.

I think you need to stop talking to this woman from a strictly demographic perspective she is almost certainty the problem.

Almost no man chooses to forgo sleeping with a woman. Husband requirements in marriage also tend to be very minimal. So she is the one who banished her husband to anther room and is refusing her martial responsibility. As such she is almost certantly an abuser.

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

Do you have any idea why they no longer share a bed? Many couples don't sleep together because one or the other snores so loudly it keeps the partner awake, and someone doesn't have a CPAP machine, there's no solution to snoring.

This doesn't mean someone is unhappy with their spouse in general. But there are problems that a spouse might have that include finances, children, health and religion that might preclude them seeking a divorce.

People often choose to stay in less than ideal marriages due to the above issues and happiness is simply not in the forefront of their minds or their lives. I think it's sad, but people make these kinds of decisions because they want access to their children, they're too ill to lose their spouse's health insurance, they don't believe in divorce, they have never worked during their marriage and have no marketplace skills after being married for 25 years.

I'd suggest that this woman talk to a counselor to find out if she has options she's never explored. And I would suggest to her that her happiness is the best gift she can give herself. Some people never consider that their lives can be better and different because they've suffered for so long.

jennifer_bloom · Accepted Answer

So I have two theories on this. One is that some people might be obsessed with money and unwilling to lose 50% of their assets in a divorce. Another is that somebody might think an abusive relationship is better than a life without structure. Like my parents are constantly criticizing me and yelling at me and judging me and now they are on vacation and I've had practical problems.

Like I saw a spider in my home and was too scared to kill it cause I did not have any weapons nearby that could be used to kill it without touching it with my bare hands. If I was living with my verbally critical mom or dad they could kill the insect for me cause they are less afraid of insects then I am.

Some people think a life with no structure is worse than an unhappy relationship and they don't have the confidence to build their own structure.

Anemone978 · Answer

It's easier to stay in a shitty relationship than be alone.. plus to go through a divorce and all that crap most people can't be bothered.. plus we don't fight anymore so it is better to keep the kids in one household..
We did separate for a year but he kept the kids (wouldn't let me take them), I was doing okay on my own making money and went back to school but I was living with my mom and she is full blown crazy.. I couldn't go out at night, couldn't open my window at night, had the house alarm on while we are home in the day time.. her stupid chihuahua always barking at me making me want to snap his neck.. plus I didn't like to be alone and my kids needed me back so I came back.

lightbulb27 · Answer

you should ask her and post here.

I've seen that and talked to the guy only, I could see one reason for the division. They were religious and his view of tithing prioritized the church over safety of his kids. His thinking was screwed up... that screwed up his wifes emotions. Wet down hill from there. People can become confused in priorities as they clash. When in doubt, the woman is right eventhough the Bible say for the man to lead... ya gotta submit to the woman and listen or else the connection breaks.

They stayed together for relgious reasons.

Some it's for security, too complex to break, don't want to fail, guilt, dependence. who knows... It is hard I'm sure and when already down, even more hard.

DermalPunch · Answer

Having opposite-sex frineds is ike having the divorce papers drafted but not yet inked.

Sleeping in separate beds doesn't mean there isn't sex.

No attraction can be remedied because if there was once subtraction it van come back.

Their issue is lack of respect, resentment and poor communication.

havingfun2023 · Answer

I thought I read somewhere common responses were something like "divorce expensive" "staying together out of laziness / for the kids even if adults by now" or "other response/other partner won't sign the papers" lol 😊😊😆

elizamichale1 · Answer

Well that's the thing... they r never completely unhappy... yes there r arguments n fights but then there is so much love n care n affection as well
Now regarding the couple I mentioned... I know many people who r married but their sex life isn't gud so they look for other people for sexual reasons only... I hav quite a few clients who r married but they come to me for sex coz sex with their wives isn't gud...

Nik1hil · Answer

Imagine spending your time and feeling most intense and strongest with someone. And knowing that no one will ever beat that.. Having a perfect family and thousandsof beautiful good mornings and cuddly nights..

After all that would you want to sit in front of someone new and ask them, "What's your favorite color?"

Anonymous · Answer

Because it could just be a rough patch...

Or once you get to a certain age, its hard to get remarried. Its better to have someone by your side than to die lonely neglected and single

Maybe they just fight sometimes, but not all the time

There are a lot of single elderly people who die alone with nobody who genuinely cares to check up on them, they have nobody to celebrate birthday with, nobody to celebrate Christmas with, get no presents on the holidays. They might die in their apartments and nobody would know until months later when their neighbor notices a rotten smell coming from upstairs.

And this very well might be your reality if you are so confident that dying alone is the better choice

jimmy2 · Answer

Well it's cost a lot more
Ie if you have a child or children the man has to pay child support. That makes him have to work 2 or 3 jobs to make it. If he does not pay when he it hits 30K off to prison he goes
On other show women who are single mothers they have to work 2jobs too
So if you split that how it goes both are living month to month
Best in this situation you 2 have clear communication and forgiveness with yourselfs between each other and get forgiveness with the Lord.

LET IT MAKE SENSE

caitycat21 · Answer

I know sometimes they stay for their kids so maybe that’s the reason? It is harder financially as well to be single compared to being married so that’s another possible reason

Anonymous · Answer

it's hard. half your money, gone. half your life, uprooted. have to move out and to somewhere else. probably can't afford to live alone, so have to find someone else to live with... it's a really big price to pay. plus. being a single divorced lady? forget about it. some women would rather die than have that happen to them.

AmeerX · Answer

Are you an idiot? Why did you advise divorce. If you are really her friend then help her with her husband's problems. For a middle aged man that was a really bad advice to give to a person.
Sharing or not sharing a bed is different thing. Being married doesn't mean she will be having sex all the time. Husband and wife can become friends after years together and lose sexual attraction

Nikki1989 · Answer

Some people don't have the quality that is needed for a happy marriage, so they shouldn't bother. This site is full of those people, some were born to be miserable. Sounds harsh, maybe, but that is reality.

Charliefretz329 · Answer

Money, kids, the combined estate that will be destroyed in a split. The lifetime its taken to drag your ass out of poverty to comfortable living where you currently are and can take care of said kids.

And for most men I know, the desire to never give up on the lady you once loved and to help her get through her problems. To sacrifice your self for her and your children.

It took me a night in jail to change my mind.

Minahh · Answer

There are many reasons why people stay in marriages which no longer make them happy (fear, financial, "for the kids" etc.) Personally I wouldn't stay in such union if it's no longer adding value to my life but rather taking it.

electromagnetic · Answer

Children, income support, a mortgage, family support and need to please.  There’s are so many factors.

jshm2 · Answer

You're pretty naïve. She either likes the lifestyle or cash, but has more to lose by leaving.

Anonymous · Answer

From Male perspective, he might be afraid of losing half his wealth in divorce (Not generalizing, but "some" women just want your money)

jb2622 · Answer

Because marriage is about duty not happiness. Just stay single if your lifes purpose it to be happy all the time.

MissBoogus · Answer

Financial reasons, don’t think there’s anything better, there’s lots of reasons… I think it’s stupid though don’t stay with someone you don’t love it’s not good for anyone!

exitseven · Answer

Sometimes they stay together for their kids. They do them no favors.

BarryLiverstone · Answer

Because they made a promise to be together for better or worse

annabananna · Answer

I would stay married as long as there’s no abuse cheating or addiction.

lvilla03 · Answer

Because they are comfortable with each other and don’t wanna leave the relationship to be alone

Anonymous · Answer

Something better has not come along yet.

Unit1 · Answer

For the convenience most likely.

Anonymous · Answer

I wondered that too...

aquamarine321 · Answer

Because people love being unhappy and toxic

BLP11520 · Answer

Divorce costs half of everything

Why do married couples stay together if they are completely unhappy with each other?

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