If you thought an ex's child was your child, would you keep silent or step forward?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

This is assuming that the ex is with someone else and they claimed paternity. Naturally this question is aimed at guys, but girls are welcome to share their insight too.

[AmandaYVR]

Wow that's an intense situation.
Guess it would depend on whether or not the guy wants to be a father. He's off scott-free, if he doesn't; not responsibility.
But otoh, that's super fucked up if the kid grows up with the 'wrong' father, not the genetic father, so they thought. That's a major lie. Would really fuck up the kid, as an adult.
In fact, I know of this situation. The girl was just told, and she's about 10 now. But so far she's taking it well. We shall see when she's older. I think that's going to be really, really, tough for her. Her real dad is alive and sort of around. He's been introduced as "a friend." I think that mother is horrible.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

It's screwed up, but I think that maybe the girl you've mentioned is taking it well - for now - because the adoptive father is a good father? It's still weird though that the natural father still hangs around though, and from what you've said it seems that the mother handled the whole things quite callously, so let's hope things turn out alright in the end.

Curiously enough, here something of a similar vein would happen not to guys, but with teen mothers who were unmarried - their children would be adopted by their married siblings and their spouses. I know a man in his 60s, a friend of my father, who discovered in his 20s that the ''aunt'' who came to visit every day wasn't his aunt.

[AmandaYVR]

Yep you are correct. He's a devoted and loving surrogate father. He can't be without her. (The relationship ended with the mother last year and the father-daughter one continues, p/t.)

Wow. I can only imagine. That would blow one's mind.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

That's good to hear, gives me hope that things will be alright for them.

[pleasestopthis]

That's a tough one. I'll try to imagine I'm a man... I'd want to know if I impregnated a woman and hopefully take responsibility if she decides to have the child. I just feel I'd deserve to know, so I would confront this person and ask about it, but I would respect her decision if she wants the new partner to be his child's legitimate father.

[GoldenAxer]

I'd honestly be overwhelmed here. If I thought there was a child that chance was mine, I would want so much to be a part of his/her life. Yet at the same time, I would not want to wreck whatever happiness my ex has with her life and the new guy.

I think I'd be tempted to try to seek the gentlest and most friendly and non-threatening approach to talking to my ex in private about this. I also always want to use humor as a light-hearted transition towards more serious and emotionally risky discussions, although that might be ill-suited for this scenario (I think I'd still try to start off humorous anyway).

[GoldenAxer]

Err: * If I thought there was a [chance] that [child] was mine [...]

[GoldenAxer]

I'd really just be overwhelmed though. I might try to seek advice including professional advice. That's a truly complex dilemma! I usually tried to conduct my sexual activities with exes in a way so that this type of situation is as close to impossible as I can make it. If it still happened, I'd start out feeling so lost and confused. But ultimately I want to be a part of any child's life that I had a role in creating. I feel like I'm failing in my most basic responsibilities as a man otherwise.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I think I feel for everything you've written, I would feel the same!

[GoldenAxer]

I think this is the most complicated hypothetical moral dilemma I've ever encountered on here. A lot of my values and aspirations for being a man relate to protecting and providing for my family. I think that's the greatest thing a man can ever do, and whatever shortcomings I have on that front are something I'd like to correct. At the same time, I don't want to be the guy who gets tangled up in the lives of my exes, and especially if they don't want me around and have found happiness with a new guy. So that's about as torn and conflicted as I can imagine being about what I should do.

[GoldenAxer]

My first priority if I feel like I have very good evidence for my suspicions is to try to persuade that ex to have a paternity test with me in the least dramatic way I can find.

[bolverk]

I would be thinking what would be best for the child,
leave the child in a stable family, or contest paternity rip that child out of that family and have it bouncing back and forward like a demented ping-pong ball!
I'd keep my suspicions about the child to myself, and only intervene if the child was in danger.

[dustybiker]

Never create regrets.. of any kind. That is some heavy stuff to carry with you for the rest of your life.. knowing you might have a child out there and not be a part of their life, by choice of not asking. I couldn’t do it.

[DizzyDesii]

Just be like “everyone (really no one) is approaching me saying the kid looks just like me. Are you comfortable getting a blood test just to ease my curiousity?”

[exitseven]

When I was younger I would thank my lucky stars and keep my mouth shut and just move on with my life. Now that I am older I might have a different opinion and would want to at least determine paternity.

[Gwenhwyfar]

If I was a guy and this happened to me and I was in a position to be a parent I’d ask for a paternity test.

[Juxtapose]

lol nooooope nope noooope!

I might even change my identity just to be safe. Parenthood is a nightmare scenario to me and the idea of bouncing a kid between homes and custody battles is not fun.

[t-8900]

My child? Hell yes! Do you have any idea how badly I want to be a father?

[jamesgoldman]

The truth will out when the kid starts getting serious health problems probably just in time for me to die of those same issues

[Whizzy83]

Listen to your heart the moment you found out. And follow it.

[LivingExample]

Step forward because Truth always comes out one way or another!

[bamesjond0069]

Probably keep quiet. Im not trying to be part of some big drama scenario.

[SmokinAces2000]

I would tell her that I want a paternity test and if the kid was mine I would definitely take care of them

[TacosRAwesome]

I'd at least tell my ex to look into it.

[Dog87]

Step forward no hesitation