Girls, is it a terrible idea to write an apology letter after 9 years?

[Duckfan]

It has been a over 9 years when she broke up with me, i still some times think about how i treated her and is filled with regret and sorrow.

[SueShe]

I believe that writing an apology letter 9 years after something happened the wrong approach and I would not do it for the following reasons.

1. The person you want to apologize moved on and has perhaps forgotten you. Why do you want to wake up old memories that were forgotten and awake the old demons?

2. If you did not find it necessary to give an apology shortly after the event (s) happened, then there is no reason why you should write one now, 9 years later. It will only make you look pathetic and superficial.

3. This apology letter may be seen by people close to the person you want to apologize and are not aware of the events. You are possibly making things even worse for the person.

[Duckfan]

9 years is a long time indeed, i was young and angry which i regret and wished i contacted her earlier. Yes the idea of this whole idea is pathetic has crossed my mind a lot.

[SueShe]

Just think how you would react if your ex sent you an apology letter after 9 years. How would you feel after your drew the line and forgot? Would you feel good to be reminded of what could have been, of what happened, the what if?

Would you not rather not know?

[Duckfan]

You have a compelling argument here, i can't answer you about that right now.

[Little_Bumblebee]

Yeah, well, she's most likely over it or has moved on to her best abilities, having a new life.
So why rip that wound open just so you can feel better? Then you're not doing her a favor, but only doing it so you can feel better.

Granted I don't know the story of what happened or how she's doing.

If you meet her or get into a conversation, you can always talk with her about it.

[Rabbagail]

After 9 years yeah it's gunna be a problem. Honestly don't be surprised if she's well moved on and forgotten about you and won't go back into a relationship with you.

But still do write the letter so she knows you're at least sorry. She may still think you as stubborn horrible those sort of things but it's worth her knowing now you realise you were in the wrong.

[Duckfan]

I have no intention getting back togeather i know its gone. I think people belived i would like to when they awnsered me here.

[Rabbagail]

Ye thats smart and exactly what i was thinking when i read it aswell still good to let her know your story though

[On_cloud_wine]

Not at all. I got an apology letter after 8 years and it made me forgive the fella a bit and at that point I had already moved on and I think he just wanted to clear his conscious and it made me see him in a different light, but I never want anything to do with him again.

[kyleelyn199723]

I wouldn’t say a terrible idea, but if you two have moved on , I’m not sure if there’s a point. If she has some kind of boyfriend or anything like that, I would definitely not do that

[Duckfan]

I don't wish to be together with her again, its far to late for that. Its that at night i have trouble sleeping thinking about how i acted and i want to make peace with god, so to speak. One friend talked me out of it 5 years ago.

[kyleelyn199723]

Well she’s not God, so honestly you don’t have to worry about it. If you are concerned with making peace with God, I suggest tuning into reading the Bible

[Duckfan]

It was a figure of speech "making peace with god" what i meant is that i want to have a good conscience about what i did.

[kyleelyn199723]

After 9 years? I think you need to let it go lol. Life moves on for us women. We don’t stay hurt about what a man has done to us almost a decade ago.

[kyleelyn199723]

And I can confirm that. I had a high school boyfriend and he and his friends bullied me during a dark time. If he came and apologized to me today, I don’t think I would necessarily care about his apology. Like “okay thanks” 🤷🏻‍♀️

[imsocool1806]

I personally think it'll free you of the regret and maybe even free her of something I don't know but i think it'd be beneficial but I don't know what the situation was enough to say ig but do what you think is right based on the girl itself.

[Duckfan]

We where young around 15 actually, first relationship i had, puberty, Her twin sister didn't like me and she thought i went to fast in the relationship. She even texted me later after the break up saying she missed me. And the moron just got angry and blew any chance of getting back with her.

[imsocool1806]

hmm in that case i think it's worth it. she clearly opened a door that got shut not by her own choice so there's no harm in doing so.

[Duckfan]

Yes she was very kind opening that door with the text, and i just shot it right back at her. Maybe the letter won't help, but if it dose i will be more at peace at least.

[imsocool1806]

whatever happens - you'll have said everything you needed to say

[vduong1988]

I think she still mad at you she probably move on not thinking of you what you did she don’t want to talk to you cause you write her letter I think she throw your letter away, it’s time for you to move on see someone else relationships very hard breakup

[melanieeeB]

there is no point to really write to her, but if it helps you to kinda let it out well write it for yourself but after that throw it away

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I think that window has come and gone. I think you should definitely write it, but refrain from sending it. Sometimes just getting it out of your head is enough.

[Duckfan]

Yes i agree that it has been to long, i don't wish to become her boyfriend again. I wish that on my death bed i won't be lying there in despair that i never did it. I get a lot of death anxiety when i am going to sleep and that's normally when i think about these events.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Yeah I wasn't assuming you were. It is just sort of making amends/getting closure, but that's why I said just write it but don't send it. See how you feel after

[Duckfan]

I have wrote a letter long ago and it help for a while. At least she will know that i regretted my actions and maybe she will accept so i can have some sort of peace.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Or you can dredge up a lot of bad memories for her and possibly risk issues in any current relationship if they have issues with her having contact with exes.

[Duckfan]

That could be true, thanks for your input. If she has bad memories like i do i wish to show her that what i did is something that i regret and then somehow ease of those bad memories.

[kyleelyn199723]

I agree with @ez-bri-z. Us girls move on from things, we do not carry 10 years of hurt into our lives. We are the opposite of men. Men tend to feel bad later whereas we feel bad in the moment. This is a perfect example of a man feeling bad later.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

It's as @kyleelyn199723 says, you need to find a way to move on than doesn't involve contacting her. You are projecting your own regrets on to your ex and thinking she may feel the same way you do.

9 years no contact from her end means she has completely moved on. Generally if I feel regret about something I come back within hours or days and apologize to whomever I felt like I wronged. I'm not trying to look up my ex girlfriends from nearly a decade ago to apologize for breaking up with them.

[Duckfan]

@kyleelyn199723 I don't believe that, i know girls who have trouble of moving on from things that happens many years ago. But if girls do move one faster then men should men just live with this suffering and not try to make amends?

[kyleelyn199723]

@Duckfan the years of suffering should’ve been thought of before making such mistakes. Now I have made mistakes in my life as well. Do I hate that I hurt the people? Absolutely. But what did I do? I used my mistakes as ways to evaluate changes to my life and moved on. There’s plenty more people in the world for you to make connections with

[kyleelyn199723]

@Duckfan also do women get triggers that bring up hurt from the past? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean we revolve our lives around that, so consider this answer correct that, that letter may just trigger old feelings

[Duckfan]

@kyleelyn199723 Ofc it will awake old feelings and other feelings it would be normal from reading a letter. One reason i want to write this letter is to make any of those bad feelings get to be laid to rest. I know that i need to live with my mistakes, doing this might ease that load.

[kyleelyn199723]

@Duckfan but do you think doing that can do exactly the opposite? This is what we are saying: as much as you revolve your life around the hurt you did, us women do not do that. Things may trigger us, but that doesn’t mean we revolve our life decisions around past hurt. I’m this instance you would only be benefitting how you personally feel. There’s no evidence that this would make her feel better

[kyleelyn199723]

In this instance *

[kyleelyn199723]

@Duckfan my person thoughts are, if you didn’t feel hurt about what you did, you wouldn’t care to make things right with her. This is how a lot of guys are.

[Duckfan]

@kyleelyn199723 i understand your point of view now. You think i can't move on and she has, because that's how women work. And bringing it up i will only hurt her again.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Ok. You just said yourself it could awaken old feelings which for those to happen would have to be dormant and no longer thought about.

If you honestly, truly cared about her feelings then you wouldn't be willing to send a letter to her. This is about you and you alone. You need to find a different way of coping with your regret.

[kyleelyn199723]

@Duckfan yes and you are also confirming that because you keep mentioning your years of suffering. Your apology isn’t about her, it’s about you.

[Duckfan]

@kyleelyn199723 @ez-bri-z Okay thanks ladys for you opinions, while i do not believe that women just moves on Like you said i think that she do not really care about that much. I don't believe that this will awaken a lot of triggering bad feelings for her. And you are some what right that this is about me and how i treated her. We have said out opinions and i believe that we won't get any further here. thanks again for a very civil chat :).

[kyleelyn199723]

@Duckfan you don’t want to believe it meanwhile two women are telling you exactly the same thing. You have some sort of agenda behind your apology that only benefits you that you aren’t willing to admit to. Maybe you know she was genuinely a good girl and a possible great future wife and you know you screwed things. It is what it is. I hope things work out for you, and instead of feeling guilty , you just learn from things. Cheers!

[doyoutwenty2]

At this point the apology letter isn't for her, it's for you. You're doing it so you can ease your pain and conscience.

Write the letter and burn it. Keep her out of it, she's since moved on. Don't try and ruin her peace and life now.

If you truly care and regret your actions, leave her be.

[Anonymous]

so this was when you were 15? i'd say move on. if i got a letter it'd be very weird... it was a kiddy relationship, it's done and forgotten. you're both mature now with your own lives.

[SecretYuna]

I would not it is too long and you need to try and move on

[pineappleliver]

it is sad
but i advise your move on and forgive yourself

[Cleo12345]

No way, it is never too late!

[RebeccaBI2000]

No. It is a first step.

[Alyssa_11]

If it makes you feel better, do it.

[Babygirl_S]

No..