Would it be pathetic if I anonymously informed my ex gfs fiancé that she’s a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Women do this sometimes among other women but never men. We would look pathetic and jealous at best and more likely creepy and stalkerish. This is almost unheard of when it comes to guys.

Anyway I am more angry at how my ex tried to cover up and self justify her bs by treating me as less than human then the actual cheating incident itself. I spent a very long time blaming myself for the relationship failing (I had my faults but never cheated). If she would of confessed it i would of been initially very pissed but I would of moved on much faster.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks for everybody’s feedback. I know I am not going to contact this guy. It’s more of a dark vindictive fantasy I had. Even if I did he probably wouldn’t believe me and she would do her best to cover it up if questioned.

This happened a very long time ago. She was able to harden her heart callously well back then. By now she probably has her self convinced it didn’t happen.

Anyway I did forgive her in a carefully written email a long time ago and wished her luck.

Updates

+1 y

I wrote it but knowing she had did this bullshit. However this new information has had a mixed impact on me. On one end I feel a sense of relief that I wasn’t completely at fault for things ending. On the other end it shows an insidious side to her that I absolutely didn’t know existed. I trusted her 100% at the time.

[CrazyGirl2]

You need to move on with your life. You don care about the fiancé, you just want to try to hurt your Ex one last time! That is extremely unhealthy. To be that vindictive as to destroy the happiness of a stranger, just to get revenge on an ex is really pathetic (And just to be clear I am NOT saying you are pathetic, I’m saying that the ACT of seeking that kind of revenge this far along… THAT is pathetic, not you.) Also, just because she cheated on you, a boyfriend, doesn’t mean that she will cheat on her husband. Even if she will, it’s none of your business anymore. She isn’t even part of your life, she’s moved on, do yourself a huge favor, and do the same!

[Asker]

Read my update.

[CrazyGirl2]

Ok, well good for you for not trying to hurt this guy who is innocent of anything to do with you. But whenever I hear of read “ By now she probably has her self convinced it didn’t happen” It just makes me So doubtful that anything ever DID happen. As for the statement “ I did forgive her in a carefully written email a long time ago”. OH YEAH! It’s just SO obvious you have forgiven her, it’s totally normal to have “Dark vindictive fantasies” (your words) about someone whom you have totally forgiven, YEARS ago!
Have you even had a serious relationship since then? I don’t mean sex, I mean a girlfriend, a serious girlfriend with whom you were in love? Because this doesn’t read like a man still holding on to some bullshit slight! This reads like she REALLY hurt you, and totally damaged your ability to trust ANYONE of the opposite sex fully ever again. If this really did happen as you indicate, I’m sorry that it happened to you, but it did happen, and now you really need to move on with your life. Hell, she has!

[Asker]

It’s a long story. I am really just angry at how she treated me afterwards much more than the entire incident itself. I blamed myself for a very long time for ruining a good thing (I admit I acted douchey and disconnected). But I never cheated. I had several opportunities to as well but I did the right thing.

I forgave for the callous and nasty things she said to me during and after the break up. I thought we were just going to have a sad breakup but would keep things respectful. But I didn’t find out about the cheating until a few months ago. It actually explains why she treated me so callously. She had to self justify her bs to herself by seeing me as less than human. THAT is what I am so fucking angry about.

I have been around the block a few times and dealt with all sorts of horrible women. But what she said to me was on a different level.

Anyway I am not going to do this. But I had to just write this out.

[CrazyGirl2]

Well it’s good that you won’t ruin some innocent guys life. I’ve seen girls treat guy’s like crap, and when they do, it’s never because they just love the guy so much… it’s usually because they DON’t alive the guy! Don’t waste any more of your life or your energy worrying or even thinking about her, trust me she’s not thinking about you. Move on, who cares that a relationship that ended years ago, had some infidelity… it’s over! Move on, as I said, she certainly has. You’ll be a better you when you let go of the hurt and the anger. Take care.

[Asker]

Yeah of course. Not to bring up numbers but I am twice your age and a man. Dating for me is radically different than it is for you (it’s extremely tough). I used to look at things as learning experiences and I had to dig deep to forgive people. I also owned up to my crap. I was flirty with other girls while I dated her but i sure as hell never crossed the line.

For the longest time I wanted to just wanted to speak to her face to face for 20 mins and let her know what she did. When she broke up with me she arranged for her roommate’s boyfriend to coincidentally be around to “keep an eye on me” out of a bs preface that I might get violent. I never once even hinted around that I would do something like that while we dated. However I’ve had women go bat shit insane for rejecting and/or breaking up with them. It’s just the disgusting mental gymnastics some women do to protect their conceited egos. And for the longest time i truly believe she wasn’t like that.

Anyway there is point where you just can’t take it anymore. Especially when your current options are so limited.

I am going to take the higher road. But I am sick of never getting my say and more importantly fed up with the disrespect.

[Shy80sgirl]

No matter how much heartbreak you suffered from this previous relationship you will find a reward in seeking happiness once again. Find that and you most likely will find somebody worth being with who can appreciate your happiness and kindness.

[Asker]

Thank you

[GlassTop]

Depends on how she cheated on me. If she ruined my life, a little of her own medicine is definitely warranted. But if you are just jealous of her not being with you, leave it alone. My ex royally screwed me over and tortured me. I wouldn’t think for a second to send her partner stuff. She would have to delete her social media or something. But I’d probably get over it after a while and leave her alone. But don’t do it unless you lost a house or she tortured you mentally/emotionally or something. That’s just my opinion.

[Asker]

The biggest thing I’m pissed off about is how she treated me after the split. She had to convince herself she did nothing wrong by seeing me as less than human. For a very long time I believe I was completely at fault for the relationship ending and ruining a good thing. Knowing this new information now just infuriates me. I think she wanted to keep me miserable by believing I was at fault by hiding this bs.

There is actually more to this but I don’t feel comfortable sharing it.

[GlassTop]

This is a common thing when it comes to cheating. If you notice them treating you terrible, accusing you of things you did in the past, mentioning old things, ignoring your calls and texts, and just arguing a lot, they are definitely cheating. I learned this the hard way. I was with my girlfriend for 8 years. She made me feel like complete trash. She would get angry that I would even ask if she is lying or cheating. She would turn it on me saying I didn’t treat her right, mentioning all the girls I was talking to long ago, how I never treated her right. I wet to see her without her knowing. Found out she was having threesomes, doing crazy drugs, and screwing a sugar daddy. What did she do? She said she was a victim. She was raped when she was drinking. It wasn’t her fault. It technically wasn’t even cheating. All the pictures and texts I found wasn’t her, someone stole her phone and used it. Hilarious. So yea, I wouldn’t feel bad making her life miserable. It would bring me nothing but joy.

[Asker]

@glasstop that’s horrible man. I hope you learned this hard lesson earlier in life than later. So she got in threesomes with other people and never you? What a selfish POS.

Funny my ex was excellent all the way to the last 100 yards of the mile run. Than it just went all the shit at once. She started acting weird and a part of me wanted to break up too. But the old her was hard to walk away from. When she broke up with me she had her roommates’s boyfriend coincidentally over to “keep an eye on me” (I never once lost my temper or even remotely hinted at getting violent with her). She was very curt on text messages. During the break up line she started comparing me to her last ex. Then when I admitted I was thinking about breaking up too she suddenly perked up with curiosity about why. I now know she was hoping that I cheated too to make herself feel better. But no I made better decisions (despite having several opportunities not too). But the worst of it was how she treated me a few weeks later when a serious issue came up. She couldn’t even say my f*cking ñame when I talked to her abou. She kept saying “okay man”.

She figuratively slammed the door shut, deadbolted it and never looked at the doorknob again. When I tried talk through the door she reacted like I was an Old Testament curse trying to get in the house to kill the first born child.

Anyway that was the first time I’ve dealt with that particular scenario and unfortunately it came later life. Yes men cheat too. But seriously has any man and I do mean any guy EVER got away with gaslighting their girlfriend for over it. No and fuck no.

[OlderAndWiser]

A desire for revenge means that you still care about her, because even hate is a form of caring. The best revenge is to let go of those memories, move forward, and have a happy life.

[Asker]

Yeah the opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference.

Funny I hate to meet up with her a few weeks later for business purposes. She hate an ice cold look in her face and I made a comment “hey you don’t have to hate me”. She responded with a perfectly monotone voice “I don’t hate you I am indifferent”. That hurt. Really.

Anyway if you see in my updates I have no plan on doing this. Just a dark fantasy but I know it’s a waste of time.

[Asker]

*had to meet up

[Anonymous]

I feel like I would do it, because I could care less and I like to make Justice happen.

HOWEVER. If her boyfriend breaks up with her. She’s just gonna find someone else and someone else. On and on and on.

The best thing to do would be to make an entire Facebook of her with her picture and her name calling her a cheater. Then making a YouTube video stating your story and sharing it on that Facebook. But that could get you into legal trouble and you need to have a lot of guts to make the video in the first place.

But like I said, she might just go on to find the next guy and the next guy. She could move to another state and find men there. It doesn’t really matter. Cheating is not a criminal offense. It should be.

[Daniela1982]

Karma is a nasty thing. But I suppose if you told him he wouldn't believe you. But it would cause him to be keeping an eye on her.

[Asker]

I used to believe in Karma. But I have serious doubt about it.

[Asker]

And again I am more angry about how she treated me after the split than the cheating incident itself. Her trying to self justify it was beyond disgusting.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Its time to move on and seems more vindictive when anyone does it unless you are close with the person that is dating her.

[Asker]

Yeah your right. Even if it’s anon she will probably deduce it’s me.

The thing is I went a very specific horrifying incident a few weeks after she broke up with me. Her reaction to it was one of the worst insults I had taken from a woman in my entire life. I racked my brain for a very long time on why she treated me that way. I thought she was just upset but now I know she had to see me as less than human to self justify her bs is just heinous. I wish I would of known about she did back then. I would of saved me lots of regret.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Sorry to hear it happened. 😔

No matter how good you feel in the moment, im not sure you'll feel any better for what she did. Time to be the bigger person and move on

[Asker]

Again your right. But easier said than done. It’s not easy to accept that she gets to be happy while I stay lonely. I feels emasculating to admit that crap but it’s just the truth. The initial stages of dating is much harder for guys than it is for women when all else is equal.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. She could be miserable. Hell HE could be miserable but doesn't think he can do better.

Just focus on you and finding the right one. I know it seems hard now but I promise when you find it, she will become a distant memory.

[Shy80sgirl]

I full on agree with this advice from both of your first responders!

[Asker]

Thanks again. Anyway I know I am not going to reach out to him. I really care less about this guy anyway. But I have to admit it would be satisfying knowing this throw a well deserved monkey wrench into her life. But again that’s vindictive fantasy. I try to be forgiving and i did previously forgive her until I found out about this bs.

[lightbulb27]

This advice is sound. You need to find some deeper healing and grow from it. That means learning all you can about yourself and fixing your stuff. You have no control over her and her stuff and that this happened long ago says this has been festering. Take all the good out of it you can… in personal growth.

[On_cloud_wine]

This chick is still in your mind.. stop tormenting yourself. Trying to make anyone feel less than human is a form of abuse. You know you don’t deserve that. No one does. Unless you kill my dog.

[AviatorTom]

Not pathetic, just useless. A fiance is probably going to think that you're just saying that to get back at your ex, and ignore you.

[Asker]

Read the updates.

[Wester1967]

No. Do it. He's probably a simp, but the info may be of use to his mental health later on when you're proven correct

[Asker]

It sure as hell would of helped with my mental health if I knew what she did. I spent years blaming myself for supposedly ruining a good thing. I was ready to take a knee for this oxygen wasting cunt at one time. Turns out she was no spotless angel herself.

But the problem is I have no solid proof.

[Vegasrunner]

Yes this is a female thing supposedly you are a man move on and focus on your own mission.

[Asker]

Yeah it’s the ugly truth. I know I won’t do it. But I had to get that thought off my chest. I suffered for a very long time thinking i ruined a good thing when in reality she was equally if not more culpable for the relationship ending.

[Vegasrunner]

Dead her and move on to the next. Women should be a number game, don't put everything into one woman and next time start seeing woman to decide if their good enough for you instead of vice versa.

[Asker]

I know that bro. Truth is I’ve had plenty of women say and do nasty things to me over my life. I have another ex who completely ghosted me after 9 months of dating after a minor argument. That burned really bad for 6 months but I got over it. However what this particular girl said to me was another level.

But wallowing about it accomplishes nothing. Your right and get that. But this one for some reason just won’t quit haunting me.

[Vegasrunner]

What did she say to you?

[Anonymous]

if you are doing it spitefully and for getting even, I think it’s time for you to move on. but if you are actually worried about dude because she is that bad of a person it might be right if you really feel you should.

[Asker]

Guys don’t worry about other random guys the same way women do. I also admit I have checked out his social media and he belongs in a political activist category that I abhor.

I confess this is out spite. She deserves every inch of pain, depression and agony for how she me felt. However I am a spiritual person and I told her in an email that I forgave her for what she said to me and wished her best of luck a long time ago (she didn’t respond but I know she read it). But now I figured out she cheated and worse tried to self justify it’s been hard to extend that forgiveness. With that new information I want to claw it back.

[cookiecrusher]

100% let him know.
He deserves to know, what he does with this information is his own choice.

[normandi]

I would tell him and let the chips fall where they may
You have nothing to lose and I wouldn't give a rat ass of what he would think of me

[Juliette1994]

Or has history of cheating. I don’t see a problem.

[Asker]

I think I was the first guy she ever cheated on. I do admit I acted douchey and selfish at times while we dated. I did flirt with other girls which wasn’t cool at all but I never ever crossed the line. I also told her I was “more angry at myself” when she wanted to break up. I had a “I made my bed so it’s time to lay in it” attitude.

But this new information has changed everything. I tortured myself wondering why she treated me the way she did afterwards. I’ve had plenty of women do nasty things before (one girl completely ghosted me after 9 months dating after a minor argument). But I didn’t see this one coming.

Anyway this wallowing in self pity and vindictive fantasy is really a huge exercise in futility. I get that. Truth is it just felt good that I had somewhere to anonymously talk about it.

Thanks for hearing me out.

[Anonymous]

I don't see a problem with it.

[Asker]

It’s tempting but I got a feeling it wouldn’t have the same impact as it was between women. She can just chalk me up as lying, vindicative stalkerish ex and he would likely buy it. Considering how horrible she treated me after this incident I wouldn’t be surprised if she has herself self convinced she didn’t cheat.

[Opinion Owner]

So what, at least you warned him. You most likely will end up right in the end.

[Asker]

I wished there was some way he could know without her figuring out it was me.

[apimpnamedslickback]

If I were the new boyfriend I would want to know