Why do breakups hurt even if you secretly wanted it to end?

[Anonymous]

[OlderAndWiser]

Five years ago, I broke up with a woman I had been dating for two years. I cold no longer avoid the reality that although I loved her, she did not love me. She liked me and she enjoyed having me as a boyfriend but she didn't love me and that was what I wanted from a girlfriend. It hurt to break up with her but I forced myself to do it.

Why would that NOT hurt?

[Espresso-Grande]

Because you feel a sense of loss. No one wants a relationship to fail.

When you're in a relationship, you build a future life together. So when it ends, you have to rebuild your life and create a new future on your own. That's a daunting thought.

So even if the relationship was toxic, you mourn the loss of the future life you envisioned. Starting over is hard, and there's a void in your life because you're so used to your partner being part of your life.

[Blackcosmo]

Sometimes you still love them and it doesn't work out or you're just sad it ended because it was going so well.

[Anonymous]

It is still kind of a shock to end a relationship, regardless. Kind of like making it final, and you won't be seeing each other from that point on. I know I was in that situation a couple of times. One time, most of my social life was built around my girlfriend, as I was good friends with her family also. So ending that relationship ended most of my social life and that was a bit sad.

[Marshymallow]

Because it’s a change and you secretly didn’t want that change as much as you had thought

[Ms_Facesitter]

Because you keep it a secret, to yourself. I haven't fully convinced yourself that you wanted it to end.

[Anonymous]

Because your saying goodbye to someone you loved and cared about.