Ex doesn’t appear to be over me and I’m seeing someone new?

[Anonymous]

My ex and I broke up nearly 5 years ago this year. I broke up with him and though we decided to remain friends, more recently he has started doing things that I am uncomfortable with such as calling me pet names he used to refer to me as. Also bringing up our past in conversation with our friends and sometimes it could be things related to sex which makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do as I find it inappropriate regardless as to whether I’m with someone or not but more so if I am. I feel he is not over me but states he is. Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

It's understandable that you feel uncomfortable with your ex's behavior and that you're unsure of how to handle the situation. It's possible that your ex may still have feelings for you, even if he says he's over the relationship. However, it's important for him to respect your boundaries and your current relationship, if you're seeing someone new.

It may be worth having an open and honest conversation with your ex about how his behavior is making you feel and setting clear boundaries for your friendship. You can express that while you value his friendship, his behavior is making you uncomfortable and that you would appreciate it if he could be more considerate of your feelings and boundaries.

If you feel like you can't talk to your ex directly or if the situation continues to be uncomfortable, you may want to consider talking to a trusted friend or counselor for support and guidance. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and emotional health in this situation.

[Asker]

Thank you for your answer, it’s very helpful! It is just awkward as it would have an impact on our friend group but you are right I should confront and set boundaries as I have definitely been too passive about it.

[Opinion Owner]

You're welcome! It's understandable that it may feel awkward to confront your ex, especially if it could impact your friend group. However, setting boundaries is important for your own well-being and it's important to prioritize your own needs and feelings. It's possible that your ex may not even realize how his behavior is affecting you, so having an honest conversation could help him understand and make changes to his behavior. It's always okay to stand up for yourself and your boundaries, even if it may feel uncomfortable at first. Good luck!

[Guy13]

If you are seeing another then why are you allowing communication with your EX. You obviously are not disconnected and hoping for reconciling.

[Asker]

I’m not looking to reconcile, we both share the same friend group

[HollyK21]

I would create distance and not talk to him unless you absolutely have to. Nothing is wrong with creating boundaries, especially with an ex who can’t respect you and your relationship.

[Asker]

No worries and thank you for your opinion. I have tried to some extent to do that but it is awkward as we have the same friend group.

[HollyK21]

I get that, I was in that sort of situation back in 2016. My ex and I had the same friend group and being around him was definitely awkward. But now you’re in a position where you just can’t be passive about his behavior anymore. You either hang out with those friends when he isn’t around, or just hang out with your boyfriend instead. Another option is of course to just be direct and ask him to stop with those comments, but I’m not sure how comfortable you feel about doing that.

[Asker]

Ah okay so you definitely understand then. Very true and I know what you mean. It just feels awkward causing a rift between the friend group but you are right I can’t be passive anymore about it. Thank you so much for the advice by the way As it’s very helpful!! :) if you don’t min me asking, how did your story play out with your ex?

[HollyK21]

Awe, no worries! Glad I could help. I took the route of trying to talk to my ex about his behavior but it made no real difference, unfortunately. So I distanced myself from the friend group.

I tried hanging out with some of the girls one on one, but it was difficult because the dynamic of that group. We had “staple” things we did every week and it was always in a blast group text, so the ex was never excluded. Hanging out with my friends less sucked a lot, they were my only friends and on top of that I really looked forward to hanging with them. If I didn’t go I’d have to see it all on snapchat, insta stories, and the group chat, all of this hurt me. I’d have moments of feeling angry, especially with the girls because they knew I was uncomfortable and never made effort to hang out with me separately. It wasn’t their problem though, so I couldn’t be too upset.

Now I don’t really talk to any of them. We have eachother on social media but my whole life is different now. I’m in a relationship where this man is like my best friend, and I do all my adventures and hanging out with him. Prior to meeting him in 2021, I had just gotten comfortable by myself. I made some other friends along the way, but majorly I was on my own. In hindsight I’d say it’s only as hurtful as you allow it to be, and you want friends who try with you as well.

[Asker]

Ah okay and that makes sense, I’m glad things are better for you now though I’m sorry you had to go through that with your friends. It may be something I will need to consider myself.

[HollyK21]

Definitely worth some consideration. One thing I’ve noticed is the fact that his flirtation has noticeably amplified only recently after 5 whole years. To me, this only makes sense if he was either in a relationship or trying to date and it failed. My point in mentioning this observation is to say that if he can respect his relationships, then he should do the same with yours.
Your boyfriend trusts you to hang out with these people and be mindful of him. Imagine if he were to find out this sort of thing is taking place, you have knowledge of it and still allow it to happen. He won’t care that you don’t want to mess things up with your friends, he’d think you enjoy it or still have feelings for your ex which is absolutely not the case. If this is a happy, healthy relationship that you see a future in, then maintaining it should be your priority over saving face with friends. You’d ask the same of him if the shoe were on the other foot.

[Asker]

You are definitely right, you have been a lot of help so thank you so much again. You are 100% I need to set my boundaries with him and I think you are right about trying to date and it failed, hence why he is acting like this but it isn’t great to deal with and does create more awkwardness but I do need to be firm and make it clear that it isn’t appropriate and if he can’t respect that or doesn’t like it then I won’t be able to friends anymore or at least be apart of the friend group while he is there.