I’m not over my ex?

Question

Why is it that every time I see him post a new photo I feel heartbroken all over again. We broke up 5 months ago and I’ve dated someone else since. I can’t stop myself from checking what he’s doing every now and then either.

For context we only dated for a few months but it was very intense right away and we both felt a connection very quickly. He never treated me in the way that I deserve to be so eventually I got sick of it and broke up with him.

What should I do? Anyone been in this position before?

SomeGuyCalledTom · Accepted Answer

Looking at an ex's social media activity is the worst source of cheap dopamine / oxytocin. Your biochemistry doesn't understand the chronology of your breakup or even your relationship status. Your brain wants to perpetuate what it considers the source of these desirable neurochemicals (ie: "the good times with my ex when he wasn't mistreating me so terribly"). It doesn't care that you're broken up, or that he mistreated you, your brain just has a visceral association between this recent intimate partner and the chemical cocktail his presence would trigger. Oxytocin and dopamine would literally marinate your brain during those "good times" you associate from being with an ex. So when you see his face and details of his life on social media, your brain reactivates the same neurological pathways that would light up when you were with him. You probably also get some cortisol when you catch yourself engaging in this, and the rational faculties kick in to remind you of how poorly he'd actually treated you. But even that can be a trap your brain sets to lure you into the homeostasis of a former unhealthy relationship. If you look at domestic abuse victims, they're constantly oscillating between these positive highs and negative lows, as their brain gets conflicting signals from the abuser. So when the victim would get a rush of stress or fear or shame, they'd look to their own abuser for some "relief", and the abuser would give just enough to make the victim's oxytocin kick into high gear and "trauma bond" them, as it gives the additional "high" of contrasting against the previous flooding of cortisol throughout the body.

Basically you just gotta understand that your brain is a stacked deck, and it's playing its own game with its own logic, and it doesn't necessarily reflect your best interests for what sort of partner you should actually be with. The part of your brain that debates and theorises over some conceptualised "ideal partner" is much less influential on visceral gut feelings than the more ancient brain systems that are responsible for remembering which stimuli (such as an ex boyfriend's social media activity) trigger strong neurochemical "releases". You're in a pavlovian loop, and you won't break it until you recognise it for what it is, and call the devil by its name, so to speak.

KostasKouvalis · Accepted Answer

Oh no. Try to make a list of his negative qualities and all the reasons he WASN'T a great partner

catiecatie · Accepted Answer

Took me 6 months with my ex and yes I’m still a little hurt and that was over a year ago. Just have your social media accounts have his posts lower in your feed. You don’t have to unfriend or unfollow it’s basically going onto his account and looking for simple things like for Facebook, it’s actually unfollow. Or on Snapchat it’s move to back on stories or something along that line.

yucel_eden · Answer

Oh boy here I was thinking you would have found someone descent by now…

Still-alive · Answer

have your or he ever tried reaching out after the breakup?

exitseven · Answer

I would stop looking at his social media stuff. Think of how crappy he treated you and why you broke up with him.

AimeeKyle · Answer

Some are harder to get over than others. Resist the urge and Try to avoid looking at his posts / social media.

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

Time will make you forget about him or meeting someone new... It's a normal behavior!

Guardian45 · Answer

Time heals

I’m not over my ex?

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