I’m not over my ex?

[Anonymous]

Why is it that every time I see him post a new photo I feel heartbroken all over again. We broke up 5 months ago and I’ve dated someone else since. I can’t stop myself from checking what he’s doing every now and then either.

For context we only dated for a few months but it was very intense right away and we both felt a connection very quickly. He never treated me in the way that I deserve to be so eventually I got sick of it and broke up with him.

What should I do? Anyone been in this position before?

Updates

1 y

Guys I started my period I think that played a role 😂

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Looking at an ex's social media activity is the worst source of cheap dopamine / oxytocin. Your biochemistry doesn't understand the chronology of your breakup or even your relationship status. Your brain wants to perpetuate what it considers the source of these desirable neurochemicals (ie: "the good times with my ex when he wasn't mistreating me so terribly"). It doesn't care that you're broken up, or that he mistreated you, your brain just has a visceral association between this recent intimate partner and the chemical cocktail his presence would trigger. Oxytocin and dopamine would literally marinate your brain during those "good times" you associate from being with an ex. So when you see his face and details of his life on social media, your brain reactivates the same neurological pathways that would light up when you were with him. You probably also get some cortisol when you catch yourself engaging in this, and the rational faculties kick in to remind you of how poorly he'd actually treated you. But even that can be a trap your brain sets to lure you into the homeostasis of a former unhealthy relationship. If you look at domestic abuse victims, they're constantly oscillating between these positive highs and negative lows, as their brain gets conflicting signals from the abuser. So when the victim would get a rush of stress or fear or shame, they'd look to their own abuser for some "relief", and the abuser would give just enough to make the victim's oxytocin kick into high gear and "trauma bond" them, as it gives the additional "high" of contrasting against the previous flooding of cortisol throughout the body.

Basically you just gotta understand that your brain is a stacked deck, and it's playing its own game with its own logic, and it doesn't necessarily reflect your best interests for what sort of partner you should actually be with. The part of your brain that debates and theorises over some conceptualised "ideal partner" is much less influential on visceral gut feelings than the more ancient brain systems that are responsible for remembering which stimuli (such as an ex boyfriend's social media activity) trigger strong neurochemical "releases". You're in a pavlovian loop, and you won't break it until you recognise it for what it is, and call the devil by its name, so to speak.

[Asker]

That’s true. And I think it’s also fixated on how nice those nice moments were. And what’s to experience it again

[Asker]

Wants to experience*

[KostasKouvalis]

Oh no. Try to make a list of his negative qualities and all the reasons he WASN'T a great partner

[Asker]

Do you think this means I’m not over him or is it just a normal thing

[KostasKouvalis]

I think you're not over him

[Asker]

Okay

[tinydiva1991]

Your just jealous of what your finding. Love your life and enjoy the company of the new guy your dating. Dress provocative and enjoy your new life. Trust me when he sees what he lost he will look for you!

[Asker]

Thank you girl!

[KostasKouvalis]

Update: Nice😂

[Asker]

Loool explains why I was crying over my ex yesterday smh

[catiecatie]

Took me 6 months with my ex and yes I’m still a little hurt and that was over a year ago. Just have your social media accounts have his posts lower in your feed. You don’t have to unfriend or unfollow it’s basically going onto his account and looking for simple things like for Facebook, it’s actually unfollow. Or on Snapchat it’s move to back on stories or something along that line.

[yucel_eden]

Oh boy here I was thinking you would have found someone descent by now…

[Asker]

Lol I’m on my period don’t mind me

[yucel_eden]

Get your father to find you a husband

[Asker]

I’m currently in my single girl era. I’d love to tell you about it but basically I’m currently in Spain with my single friends staying up every night and meeting guys on dating apps :) (I think you’d be proud)

[yucel_eden]

So your doing them too?

[yucel_eden]

If your doing them I’m proud

[Asker]

No sir still a virgin haha

[Still-alive]

have your or he ever tried reaching out after the breakup?

[Asker]

No. I blocked him everywhere and he’s still
blocked

[Still-alive]

ok well there's this thing called the 'no contact rule' which is basically even though you broke up with him you still felt that connection pretty deeply. at first you might have felt euphoric that it was finally over. but as you have found out that over time you start to miss him.

Thing is though is he is probably over you at this point. because its the reverse for those who are the dumpee's, they want you back immediately but over time start to move on and maybe even improve or change themselves for the better.

in any case if you think he's changed maybe try reaching out? or if not then keep him blocked forever

[Asker]

He basically forced me to break up with him. So I don’t think he got dumped per say. He treated me very very badly. And we got into a very low point in our relationship and he cried saying he’d change. He changed for like 2 days and then went back to his old ways. Surely he saw the break up coming.

I wish I could reach out but I think it’s for the best I don’t. For me to communicate with him in any way is like playing with fire.

[Still-alive]

so yeah just keep him blocked then. but it is very normal for you to still think about him. when we connect with someone so deeply its still normal to have them in our minds even after we break up.

[Asker]

That’s convincing tbh…. Thank you. I’m human after all 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Still-alive]

Exactly you fart and poop like the rest of us lol 😂

[Asker]

Haha oh dear no I don’t I’m a girl

[exitseven]

I would stop looking at his social media stuff. Think of how crappy he treated you and why you broke up with him.

[AimeeKyle]

Some are harder to get over than others. Resist the urge and Try to avoid looking at his posts / social media.

[TonyMetal___86]

Time will make you forget about him or meeting someone new...

It's a normal behavior!

[Guardian45]

Time heals