Kinda over my ex but kinda not?

[Anonymous]

More of a Vent but if you want to give your 2 cents to it be welcome.

Broke up with my ex over a year ago. She was my first relationship, for 8 years. Found her very attractive back then now its like I woke up, actually having an eye for other women and realizing that many are easily more attractive than her. The only thing I haven't found is the same traits in personality I seek in which I still find my ex very attractive.

Kinda feel bad that I dont find her good looking despite beeing with her for so long aswell.

Tried dating a few months ago but ended up always talking about my ex.
I guess means im not over her? I wonder how long it takes. Should I force myself to go on dates?

[Bethany22]

Yes, it's a good idea to go on dates. And while you're in the initial stages of dating, it's not a good idea to be talking about your ex, as that will just cause you to start having ambivalent feelings towards the current person you are dating. Once the two of you decide to be in an exclusive relationship, and saver the comfortableness of being in a new exclusive relationship, you can start to let your guard down and share memories about your ex. But until that stage, talking about your ex will only cause you to go into vicious cycles of losing interest in the new girls you date.

Once you've been dating a new girl for a while, step back for a while and ask yourself whether you can make this new girl happy, and whether you like making her happy. Do not use this time to start thinking about your ex again, as otherwise, you'll just forget about this new girl. Once you've answered yes to the questions, then move to an exclusive relationship with the new girl.

ps. It's hard to find someone who has both all the personality traits that you like, plus very attractive. I get the impression that you're just using that as an excuse to maintain your independence and not get trapped in a relationship that you can't get out of. So the beauty of holding off on intimate discussions about exes and other serious topics in the beginning stages of dating is that then you have a reason to want to be in a committed relationship. By contrast, using a girl that's still kind of an acquaintance to talk about intimate things can cause you to wonder what the benefit of being in an exclusive relationship is, when you're already able to talk about intimate things with acquaintances you're dating. But evidently, if you keep getting bored of these acquaintances after bleeding them dry of intimate stories before you're even sure you want to be with them long-term, then if you don't want to keep repeating this cycle, then you've found your answer as to why committed relationships are beneficial.