Do you think changing your story can help you move on better?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

So, I am going to say something weird.

I fell in love for the first time at 22, that was because before 22 I was really guarded and scared to fall in love. Nothing made me as scared as a potential heartbreak, my friends would joke that I am not scared of snakes, but I am scared to fall in love.

Eventually I fell in love, lived the best fairytale I could imagine, lived together with him, got proposed. Was extremely happy.

But it ended in the end.

I never liked to think of myself as a victim, and even though there are two people to blame for problems in a relationship, and while I wasn’t an angel, I believe my break up was mostly due to the betrayal of my ex, which I never expected, I believed he was the one for me and I loved him more than anyone and anything in the world.

He betrayed me in the end though and it had nothing to do with his personality, he was an amazing person, however, I feel so betrayed, even after 8 months it still hurts when I stay alone, especially since I miss him so often and he doesn’t seem to miss me at all.

I feel like I was wronged and I don’t like it.

When we were together he was my guardian angel. I would never imagine he would hurt me so much and I understand, life circumstances pushed him do whatever he did but for me, doesn’t matter what happened I would never sacrifice our relationship.

So, I don’t like to think that I was betrayed, left, “dumped”, heartbroken. It doesn’t help me feel any better. It only makes me feel extremely sad and makes me feel like a victim.

I think, what if I stop thinking of him as someone who exists, so in my mind I’ll tell a new story, that he is no longer alive. (In a way it is so, the man I loved and who loved me - no longer exists), that instead of breaking up with me he just died.

That would fit better than the ending he gave me, which totally makes me lose the hope in love and humanity and crashes my belief that love can overcome everything and also pushes my self-esteem to zero.

Updates

1 y

Have you ever changed a story to help yourself move on or am I being too crazy?

Updates

1 y

So… Do you think it’s okay if I tell my future dates in the beginning of dating that my ex fiancé actually passed away?

If they ask, of course.

Or is it a lie I shouldn’t tell?

[caring__1]

Reframing the story can be helpful, but lying to yourself and others will only keep reminding you of him and your lie. Instead, view him as a stepping stone toward your long-term objective. Knowing him gave you insight into yourself and others. This will lead to a clearer and more realistic view of what is to come, based on the knowledge you have acquired.

Whatever direction you face is the direction you go. If you continue to focus on the past, you won't develop a future. When people are critical of negative, they get more negative; when they are appreciative of positive, they get more positive. When focusing on what we don't want, we get more of what we don't want; when focusing on what we do want, we get more of what we do want. You have a lot of control over your future, m but not if you dwell on the past. Make sure your focus and choices always move you forward. There's no such thing as a negative experience, as long as we learn from it. Bring the knowledge forward and leave the pain in the past. Focus on applying the knowledge you've learned rather than dwelling on the void.

[msc545]

You can try to do this if you want, but I think that you won't be able to sustain that delusion for very long. I think you probably would benefit from a bit of professional help in terms of clarifying the situation and making peace with it. Given that you've written about it multiple times here and don't seem to be feeling much better, such help would probably be very useful. I'm sorry you're going through this and I fully understand what it's like to lose somebody that you really cared about, but your life really does have to go on.

[msc545]

Once when I was feeling really sad after a breakup, my father told me" the best cure for a woman is another woman. ". Turns out he was right. I assume this also probably applies to a fiance or boyfriend as well. I gather you've tried this to some extent, but maybe you just haven't met the right guy as yet. This too might be worth a try.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Somedays, I feel like forgiving him.

But other days when I am alone, I feel angry and hateful to him for betraying me.

He was the closest person to me and I never thought he would stop loving me. I was so happy, I don’t know what did I do to deserve being left this way.

I look at other couples and think why couldn’t it be me? It was me. Why not anymore, I didn’t do anything other than loving him.

Replacing him wouldn’t be busy, he was my first and I was his first, he treated me the way and he loved me the way I never knew anyone could be loved and treated and also he was a perfect man for me.

I don’t meet anyone who outcompete him in his willingness to chase me, pamper me, love me, spoil me, forgive me, accept me and regardless of anything stay loyal to me.

If we don’t consider the last year of our relationship he was a perfect boyfriend, even in the last year, he tried his best not to hurt me.

He’s not a bad person, to the contrary he is an amazing person. I loved everything about him, even his annoying and bad sides, I loved equally as his good sides.

It’s very hard for me to replace him.

He did easily replace me though.

Am I so insignificant? Did I mean nothing to him? Did our love mean nothing? I just don’t understand, how can you call family to someone, ask her to marry you and then just leave her because you feel like you no longer love her.

Love needs commitment and hard work doesn’t it? How is he going to love someone forever?

Even his wife, he will get bored, tired unloved someday when he gets married. No one is better than another one and I was willing To work out any problems we had. I would never consider leaving him.

[msc545]

You cared more about him than he did about you. You need to accept that and move on when you are ready. You do not need to share the details of what happened with a future love interest but don't lie about it either.

[MementoMori777]

Welcome to the club 😂, some advice I'll give is don't let this create trust issues, if you find someone else, trust them until they break it because if you treat them based on your trust issues, you might chase them away.

[dynamicyandere]

100%

Going into a new relationship carrying trust issues is also known as baggage.

One shouldn’t let past relationships ruin their future.

In order to love fully, one must trust again.

But, to trust again is to risk heartbreak again.

Many people never want to feel heartbreak again.

So, they trust less and less until they no longer can experience the love that they long for.

[MementoMori777]

There you go ☝️

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t think I’ll have any more trust issues than I had before,

we both had trust issues and for us it was very comfortable being together because we trusted each other, in the end he didn’t tell me he loved me, but he never stopped saying that he trusted me.

After break up I had an emergency and couldn’t use European bank card in China, he gave me his bank card, saying he totally trusted me.

I gave it back.

But what I am looking for is, If I risk having heartbreak I’d rather risk it with someone who fits my standards. How would it be fair for me to risk heartbreak with someone who doesn’t fit my standards. Because If they break my heart, it will only lower my confidence more as if I am not even loved by someone who doesn’t fit my standards.

So, let’s see… I don’t know what will happen in future. Hopefully I’ll fall in love again.

But what happened now definitely helped me take off my pink glasses and see the life for what it really is.

I even consider telling people he really died. Maybe that will help me better believe that he did.

I am 26 years old and I have had my fair share of heartbreaks in life but nothing hurt this much and one mustn’t have a heart to love someone and then make you hurt this way.

[MementoMori777]

But turning your heart cold will make you cold, you'll love again and that's inevitable, so it's healthier to fall In love trusting again rather than falling in love and not trusting them, because healthy relationships are build on love, trust and communication, that builds the foundation of a relationship, when you fall in love without trust, you kicked off one of the legs of the foundation to that relationship, it will fall apart, I'm not saying fall and trust right after a relationship, you now have to go through the healing process of the broken heart and you'll eventually feel better, then you'll know when you are ready to date again but don't let this relationship that fell apart effect the ones in the future because people are different, not everyone will be disloyal to you, creating a whole reality off of past experiences is dangerous to your love life, because it can manipulate a healthy one, I know you are hurt now but you won't always be and when the heartbreak heals, you won't even care about this person in any way, at some point you'll find someone worth your time and my advice is for when you do, because being distrustful will lead to overthinking and that will lead to arguments, avoidable arguments.

[MementoMori777]

So you are gonna go from being lied to, betrayed and deceived to then go do it to someone else? How would you expect your relationship to last if you lied from the beginning, at that point you've become what you despise

[dynamicyandere]

Changing your perspective on things can definitely help you with letting go or holding on, depending on how you’re looking at things.


Your fiancé changed. He’s not the same man that you once knew, because the version of himself that loved you would never have hurt you like he did. He changed, and that version of himself that you knew and loved died along with that change.


You can cherish the good memories, but the man you once knew is gone.

[Jennz6]

@lafemmefatale_1 it happens too often and we do what ever we can to help and yes it happened to me but slightly different circumstances. 💕💯

[love_conquers_lust]

Don’t lie about it. Be honest so future spouses can accept you.

[NostalgiaSenpi]

It's basically a delusion. Own what you have and learn from it.

[spartan55]

What did I just read? Wow..

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Why are you surprised? 😄

[spartan55]

That's pretty unstable stuff. If we theoretically dated, and I found out later that you lied about it, you would be gone.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am a very bad liar. Not going to lie anyone

[spartan55]

I think that's a good decision tbh.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

This situation is hypothetical… Just because I am really heartbroken and feel betrayed.

[spartan55]

I understand, but I think the possibility of it backfiring are too big.