How can I save my relationship?

[Anonymous]

Hey friends,

my boyfriend and I have been dating for approx. 2 years. I met him in the south of France on vacation and we haven’t stopped being w each other ever since.

At the beginning I had no red flags. And was healing from my previous ex boyfriend that was abusive physically and mentally…. it felt so right and wonderful to finally meet a sane guy. However my current boyfriend did have a darker side to him that he told me about since the beginning…He had been an alcoholic, smoker, and cocaine addict. He promised me it was all over and behind us for ever. I decided to dive head first into the relationship and trust him. Fast forward to today. We went to France for work and he totally changed. He would come at 6pm after his course, and leave right away to the bar several times a week with his colleagues. Come home DRUNK asf. Stay on his phone playing games when we are together (with barely any sex), and start smoking and drinking again when he had stopped during the whole beginning of our story. I thought he was serious about cutting these habits out of his life, but being back in his country, it seems he is breaking his promises.
Now this is where it gets tricky. I AM a HUGE communicator. Which means I spend hours trying to figure out conflict resolution, and telling him what I don’t like etc. He stonewalls me all the time. And then I get fucking angry because I’m the only one talking and resolving and he is dead behind the eyes just staring and saying « I don’t know » all the time during conflicts. Problem is that I’m starting to get angry, nagging, and call him names, or try to end the relationship, but we always get back together smh. He now thinks I remove his freedom, when all I want is a healthy, affectionate guy. That would rather keep his promises than betray me. I tried everything. Every way of asking him to be more attentive to me, to drink less, call and text me more… He says yes, and ends up doing it again the next day. HELP

[Oliverlogan263]

Ay yo that's messed up what's goin on with ya boy. Sounds like he's slippin back into old habits which is no good. Couple things you could try:

- Sit him down serious and say his drinking is a dealbreaker if it don't change. Lay down the law - you need him sober to make it work.

- Ask him to see a counselor with you. Addicts sometimes need help beyond their girl. A counselor can give him tools to stay on track.

- Plan fun activities you can do together that don't involve the bar scene. Quality time is key to strengthening the bond.

- Hit up friends to hang with y'all instead of just him goin out. Strength in numbers and accountability, ya feel me?

- Make your needs clear but don't sweat it too much. Dudes respond to chill better than anger usually.

- If he doesn't come around, you gotta protect your peace sis. Can't make a man change who don't wanna. But give counseling a shot first I say.

Keep your head up - you know your worth. Just do what's best for you in the end aight? I got your back no matter what you choose to do girl.

[Anonymous]

You can’t change him. You can change you though. Choose to move on from this relationship.. it’s what is best for both of you, I promise.