What should do? How can I save this relationship?

[mono_gram]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four months with the past month (and going) being long distance. I thought it was all going fine, but the other day he texted me saying that he’s skeptical about this relationship and that he’s having a hard time because of long distance + he doesn’t think this relationship is what he was hoping for.

He says that ending it would be the best for both of us and it’s something he’s been thinking about for a while, but I don’t want to. I want to save/continue this relationship.

It’s been about a day since he brought this up. At first I was like I see this as a part of long distance and I’m just not used to it to which he was like you keep saying you’re not used to it and I’m getting tired…

For context: The first 3 months of the relationship we saw each other quite often because we went to the same school (in MD) and even lived in the same apartment building. But then I graduated and returned home (in NY) and he’s still in MD because he has one more year until graduating. And now this past month has been long distance.

I’m just kind of dumbfounded because in the beginning I seemed like he was the one who liked me first/more but now I feel like it’s kind of the other way around.

Updates

10 mo

To add more context, this is my first relationship (not his) and I’m pretty sure he knows that. Like there’s a first for everything so I would think that would justify the fact that I’m not used to things (cuz I have no experience).

Updates

10 mo

For now I sent a long message explaining how I feel, trying to sound hopeful and saying that I still believe in this relationship, but he has yet to read/respond to it (which I get). I tried asking him if we could talk it out through call, but he was like not now, I don't know what to say + he feels suffocated.

I’m just gonna give him space and hopefully time does it’s thing…

Updates

10 mo

Thinking about it, people were right in saying that I should just end it, forget about it, and move on. I think I was just digging my own grave by trying to save it and sounded desperate and pathetic. Like someone told me, there’s no use in resuscitating a dead fish lol…I may not have acted in the best way but it’s too late to regret and change things. The past is the past. There are many fish in the sea…

Updates

10 mo

Thanks to everyone who commented and slapped some sense into me. I definitely learned things throughout, even if I failed to acknowledge the truth earlier. Now I am realizing that there were subtle red flags/things I should’ve been aware of along the way. I was dumb for trying to hold on to an already dead/hopeless relationship.

I just find this whole situation ridiculous/dumbfounding and I’m disappointed at myself for not being able to handle this in a “cool” manner lol.

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow, I know this sucks to hear, but it seems like your boyfriend is having some doubts about doing long distance. That distance can really put a strain on things after only being together for a few months.

A couple things you could try:

- Give him some space for now like you said. Don't blow up his phone trying to convince him. Let him think things over without pressure.

- In a few days, see if he'd be open to an honest conversation about how you both are feeling. Don't blame or argue - just listen to understand his perspective too.

- Suggest a compromise like doing bi-weekly visits if possible to help the distance feel less distant. Or a fun video chat date night to reconnect.

- Let him know you care about him but also respect his decision if breaking up is truly what he needs. Don't make him feel guilted into staying.

- Focus on making new memories together once you're home for breaks. Harder to lose feelings after making new happy times in person.

At the end of the day you can't force someone to want to keep going if they've checked out. But showing you hear him out and are willing to try meeting in the middle could help. Hope it works out for you guys! Let me know if any other advice would help.

[mono_gram]

This is making me anxious and I think I already sounded pathetic and desperate..

Do you think it’s a good idea to ask him one last time if he has any intention of making the relationship work (even though I also think he’s checked out) or would I be digging my own grave?…

[mono_gram]

Also, would it be a good idea to ask for time to process/think this through? Or should I just suck it up and end it?

[mono_gram]

Another question since I can’t update the post.

Other people I talked to said that I should go visit him over the weekend to work things out in person. Do you think I should ask him first or just go as a surprise? Should I tell his roommate beforehand as well? My concern is that the vibe rn is kind of not the best/up in the air so I don’t want to go and then he just kicks me out or something. But if I ask him I feel like he might just say no…

[Oliverlogan263]

I wouldn't recommend asking him again if he wants to make it work. At this point it might come across as pressuring him, which could push him away more.

Going to visit without asking could also backfire and make things super awkward if he's not really in the mood to see you.

My advice would be to tell him you need time to process everything. Make it clear you're not looking for an immediate response from him, but just want space to think. That takes the pressure off both of you.

If after a few days you feel like visiting in person to have a serious talk, I'd ask him first. Be honest and say you feel an in-person conversation could help you two figure things out. But also respect it if he says no - don't try to force it.

Oh and definitely don't surprise his roommate! That would be super weird. Give both the guy and his roommate a heads up.

The main thing is to not come on too strong right now or act desperate. Give each other breathing room to think things over without feeling attacked. With time and space, hopefully you guys can have a clear discussion about where to go from here. But don't push it - let him come to you if he's ready to talk seriously again. I know it's hard, but staying calm will help a lot. Hope this helps! Let me know if any other questions come up.

[RingOfFire]

I think you're doing the right thing by giving him space. To be honest it does not sound hopeful. It sounds like he has given up. I think the best thing for you to do would be to work on yourself to prepare yourself for the possibility that the relationship may be over.

Since you are inexperienced in relationships, it will be a difficult transition for you. But these things happen and when they do there is no choice but to let go and seek out a new relationship to try again.

I hope there is a way to mend this, but you should begin to emotionally prepare yourself for the possibility that there is not.

[RingOfFire]

You didn't lose. You won a very valuable prize. Experience in the art of love. It will come to be your most prized possession some day.

[NathanDavis]

don't try to save it...

this relationship has been very short and he's already letting you know he will tap out

he is not asking you to work on it, because he does not want to work on it... he wants to end it, so the best for you is that you accept the fact that the relationship is pretty much over... no need to beat a dead horse

[Zenpanda]

I had a long distance relationship with my ex boyfriend.
I really loved him and he loved me, but long distance didn't work for us, mostly me.
I couldn't handle it.
It works for some, but it's not for all.
We lasted about a year and we're still friends. He's now engaged to a great guy, they even visited me and we had a great time.
So it doesn't matter how well you are together, long distance can kill the relationship for some people.

[Bricealan]

@mono_gram Always painful when this happens. Been there, and done that. More painful for me as I spent $75,000 out of my 401K to add a sun room for her as a Sewing room?

Bitter pills are hard to swallow, but sometimes you have to face the reality.

[DrPepper12]

Real shit: LDR dont work. Remember the good times and part amicably

[Anonymous]

He’s a clown move on. It’s only been four months.

[Jennz6]

LDR is definitely 💯 hard to do

[In_Trance]

It's been only 4 months. Cut your loss and move on