What to do after a bad fight?

[ArrowDumper]

Hello all, so I have been dating her for 4 years. Just like any other relationship we had our up and downs. But recently she really lost it on me because she thinks that in 4 years we should've perhaps upgraded our relationship to let's say engagement? But we have never discussed about marriage or compatibility. I understand if she thinks I'm wasting her time. But this time she really said horrible stuff like I'm using her, that I'm desperate is the only reason I keep her, which is far from the truth. That really hurt me and I didn't contact her for 4 days so far for the first time in 4 years. I'm soooo hurt, I hoped she'd realize, and reach out to apologize. I don't see it coming, and I'm afraid to reach out. Even if she wants to end it, I don't want our relationship to end on a bad note. We're not teenagers, she's late 20s and I'm early 30s. I don't know what to do?

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, that situation with your girlfriend sounds super rough. Four years is a long time to be with someone, so I can only imagine how much it must hurt to have her say all those awful things to you. That's gotta sting, man.

I get why you took some space for a few days - sometimes you just need that time to cool down and process everything, you know? But I totally understand why you're hesitant to reach out now. It's like, what if she's still pissed and just wants to end things for good? That would be the worst.

My advice would be to try reaching out, but keep it low-key at first. Don't go in all confrontational or anything, just say something simple like "Hey, I think we need to talk about what happened. I'm open to working this out if you are." See if she's willing to have a calmer discussion about it. If she's still super angry, you might have to give it a little more time before trying again.

The main thing is, don't be too hard on yourself over this. Relationships are tough, and even the strongest couples have their big blowout fights sometimes. What matters is how you two handle it in the end. I really hope you guys can work it out, but if not, at least try to end on decent terms, you know?

Hang in there, dude. I know it sucks right now, but you've got this. Let me know if you need any other advice or just someone to vent to. I've got your back, man.

[Summeroflove]

Maybe it’s a blessing you never married she just doesn’t want to communicate in a healthy way instead she threw tantrum number one it takes two people to get engaged. If she never initiated any of these conversations then it’s equally on her though it’s a red flag when you’re together for so long and there is no talks of engagement.

I think you need to explain to her that if that’s the way she feels that she needs to communicate like a adult. Tell her that she’s right we probably should have discussed marriage and engagement but it takes two and that she never initiated any conversations either.

I think it’s time to break up I don’t think you have a healthy future together unless she can acknowledge that she was wrong for acting the way she did and you can talk civically. But if she just starts getting defensive then she obviously can’t communicate like a normal person.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You’re 36, you’re not early 30’s you’re mid-30’s at best. Which means, at the smallest, the age gap is 7 years. After multiple years of dating she clearly had the expectation of marriage and, if anything, your relationship will be a lesson for her in knowing that communication about something so important to her will need to be said near the beginning of the relationship rather than hoping silently. This isn’t going to be resolved in a positive way, you’re going to break up because the only other option is what’s very famously known as a “shut up” ring: A ring you buy only to make her stop talking about marriages and weddings and going through with a marriage you don’t want is only going to build resentment between you and her. Your relationship will come to an end at this point, better you accept that now than try to drag out the inevitable.

[ArrowDumper]

Thanks for your input. I made the account when a teenager, it's off by couple of years. Could you please add some more information regarding more info I added as replies to the answer above. Thanks

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

If you’re silent in expecting an apology without asking, you will never get one. Your relationship is over, sorry

[itsannalee]

If you feel hurt, how about her?
Don’t you think she hurts too?


You are a man and she i woman, 30 yo is like nightmare for women.
Her intentions in dating is to get married, and 4 years isn’t a short time. If you want her move to something more serious to make her feel secure. Of your intention isn’t the same with her, just let her go. She deserves better.

[ArrowDumper]

Thanks for reply, sure she might be hurting to which is hurting me even more. But I didn't start the fight or said mean stuff. So should I let it go, or reach out? Even though I think she needs to apologize for saying ridiculous stuff!

[itsannalee]

Apologize to her, and she will also apologize after that. Just like i said, fix your fault, what she wants just get to more secure relationships. And if you can’t give it to her, just let her go. Don’t waste someone else’s time/

[ArrowDumper]

Well I use to message her every morning and night before sleep. Kisses, byes etc. She said I do that out desperation instead of love. I get it, it might have been out of anger but after trashing me, she might feel even more emboldened if I reach out to her? Even though I feel like she should be apologizing first, you feel that I misled or at least her perception of marriage, give her the right to talk rudely? Also, it feels like it changed over night from kissing me couple days prior to trashing; for not calling her and just messaging after 4 years?