How do I forgive myself for cheating on my ex 2 years ago? I never told him?

Question

i cheated on my sweet LDR ex by sexting someone online. I never told him (pls dont try to convince me bc thats not in the question I won't at all) We broke up for other reasons. No matter what shit my ex put me through, I take full responsibility knowing what I did was wrong and the guilt still comes heavy and goes. I'm in a new relationship. I love him. He's a good man. I will never tell him Im a cheater though. Who wants a cheater? I dont forgive myself for what I did. I feel like my new boyfriend he could cheat on me and that'd be fine bc I'd get what I did. I don't know how to bring myself peace when the guilt comes so heavy or is it something I will always hold with me.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Sometimes people do things that can't be fixed you can only keep going with the regret and accept it. The right thing to do is tell your current SO the truth and try to explain. If you hide this from him sooner or later, it will blow up in your face. Things like this always do. Frankly I wouldn't trust you. The moment that someone cheats for me that's it unless there are some very specific circumstances like abuse from the marriage or relationship.

You said it yourself the SO you cheated on was a good guy and you did it anyways. You were weak and had no self-control or discipline If I can go my whole life only having sex one time. It really shouldn't be too hard to keep your legs closed. If I can do it anyone can. You knew what you did was wrong and you did it anyways because you were selfish, you're right to be ashamed of yourself.

BUT... I can tell you feel the guilt which is more than can be said for most cheaters. Somethings once done just can't be fixed end of story but there are still things you can do to try and be better, move forward and be someone better today than you were tomorrow.

I wouldn't trust you but maybe he will and I don't know you well enough to be sure you won't do it again but if you really mean this. if you really feel regret, if your really want to be better and if you really want to be a partner he deserves, you need to tell him and let the consequences sort themselves out.

Look at it this way. Cheating is one of the biggest lies you can tell; it's the fourth most evil thing you can do to another person after 1. rape. 2. Lying about rape. 3. murder. 4. Cheating/abuse. So let me put it this way. Hiding this from your new SO is a lie of omission, lies kill love. You want him to trust you but how do you expect that trust to be fair if you hide secrets this big from him?

Further how is this different from when you cheated. When you cheated you made yourself a liar and now, you're talking about lying again even though you say you want forgiveness. Do you see how these two things conflict with each other? You say you regret what you did and want to change but keeping secrets like this from your SO is the same thing as the last time just a different version.

You're repeating the same mistake that's eating at you now with your new boyfriend. Look at it this way. You cheated so you're worried he won't trust you if you tell him the truth, right? What do you think is going to happen if he finds out that not only did you cheat on your ex but you didn't tell him you did it? The moment I found out you hid that from me as an SO I will instantly assume you've been cheating on me too. If you're honest about your past and how ashamed you are though he might respect it, and you also wouldn't be building a new relationship on the foundation of a lie which will inevitably kill the love because it always does.

If you really want to prove you're sorry, if you really want to prove you're better today than you were tomorrow, if you really want love loyalty and honesty has to come with it it's a package deal. You can't hide thigs from your partner like that and say you've changed because you're making the same mistake again that's eating at you now.

My advice? Go to your new boyfriend talk to him about this. Tell him the whole truth and be open and honest. If he really loves you, he'll respect the honesty instead of hating you and if he does dump you know you can tell yourself. "I did the right thing, and I proved I can be strong instead of weak." That will come as its own reward even if it costs you your boyfriend. Ask yourself the cost this will have on your soul. That should help you see things clearly. I rarely say this to cheaters but if you really mean this and want to be a better person I wish you luck. I'll be venomous to people without guilt who cheat or who cross a line beyond massive like banging their dad or something but with you I can tell there's still a sense of right and wrong and a conscience. Listen to the voice telling you to be better and do the right thing. That's how you square debts with you own honor.

D_Bone_Steak · Accepted Answer

Put it behind you, at the same time learn from it. Like if you were cheating for stupid reasons... you have something to learn from that. I don't know what it is because I'm not you. My cheating had everything to do with getting cheated on first. I was trying to get the bitch to leave me so I started cheating and rubbing it in her face and she accepted it just because she knew she was wrong to begin all that cheating. Kinda like how you said you'd accept it even with the new boyfriend because of your past.

My ex needed to learn she was cheating to make friends and they were friends that would never be around for long. I got a kick out of how the chick that talked her into cheating, went and fucked the same guy as soon as she left. They were all fucking the same alpha bro just because he hit the gym for like 2 weeks. Like flies on shit and no perception of long term at all. Dude had a girlfriend too and they were all friends with her. So they just weren't shitting on the men they were cheating on, shitting on the very girl that has girlfriend status with the guy too. Women are a piece of work or at least in that case they were. Guy hits the gym for 2 weeks and they all scramble to fuck him... all 5'4" of his ass for the six pack abs. Rediculus. I still think the only reason my chick felt bad is because I hit the gym too... went from fat to six pack abs. Just couldn't wait to get it from home from the guy that was taking care of our child. Had to get it from that filipino midget that was fucking like 7 other chicks at the same time. So yeah I cheated out of resentment and if you can't sense that resentment you're retarded.

But what made you cheat though? Like what have you learned from it? It's not so bad since it literally is in a past relationship, but I feel you should dig into it and learn from the reasons or whatever pushed you to do it. I mean seriously, I would love your insights on why my chick cheated on me. I got ripped, was just taking care of my child and her child which was my step son and she just felt like cheating with a midget was cool for whatever reason she had on her mind at the time. Yeah, I'd love to pick your brain on that one or at least get your perspective. I was so good to her and she turned me into the biggest asshole that even people here on G@G can't stand because I'm such an asshole now.

In your case again... learn from it, like lessons of life, teach from it to others to help others, but put it behind you in that process. It's just something younger you did that you can tell others now not to do with reasons.

IslaTheWitch · Accepted Answer

you had your reasons... your relationship is over, and not because you cheated... so I would say this problem solved itself without hurting your partner

now... you know why you cheated, you know what you get by this...
learn your lesson, draw conclusions, and make amends in your current relationship so it won't happen again...
change your mistake into a lesson for the future and make peace with it

FreyaRed · Accepted Answer

I ate an apple from another apple tree than the tree beneath I lived for a while and now I can't forgive myself I ate that another apple. Now I'm living under new apple tree and won't tell this tree I ate another apple from tree I lived before under...
Girl, get your marbles together.

Summeroflove · Answer

So the fact that you feel bad for it tells me you’re not a narcissistic person because people who lack empathy as well as remorse feel indifferent at best and at worst they get off on hurting as well as betraying other people.

It seems like it was a lapse in judgment where you fell into temptation and gave in not that I’m defending that but you should remember that in the future. You seem to have learned your lesson.

You’re right that two wrong don’t make a right many people scoop you the level of their partner and just excuse it as they deserve it. Even though it’s still wrong.

But I think number one is repenting to a higher power. Maybe thats the first step another thing is reaching out to your ex admitting what you did and saying you’re sorry. As well as explaining what happened to your new boyfriend. If you feel bad as if you’re hiding something from him maybe it’s best to just get it out now. Express how you feel and maybe he will be emotionally supportive as well as glad you’re being honest.

People can find things out anyways at times and it would be better for him to hear it from you then figure it out later on.

AviatorTom · Answer

You already have forgiven herself, by having a new relationship and loving him.

sawno · Answer

Telling the ex is the only way out of the guilt though. Because then your accountable for your actions and its a true sign you changed.

With the new guy it happened in the past, as long as you learnt from it and would never do it again I don't think its a good idea to ruin your relationship.

Your the same age as my long distance ex so the question hit close, although I don't think she would say shit he put me trough. That part hit close to home as a result and in his position I want to know, but considering how hard the long distance was on her towards the end I don't think it would end in an automatic fight. I'd aim for closure and if possible healing, since it already happened after all.

OneViewpoint · Answer

If you cheated, you can look at it 2 ways.

1.) Are you an inherently flawed "bad person"?

Or

2.) Was there something missing in that LDR or that guy that left you unsatisfied and made you want something more or different? Was the final outcome inevitable?

It could be that you simply went about trying to find what you really want in a stupid selfish way. You couldn't admit that your "sweet LDR" guy wasn't what you actually wanted and you tried to keep him while you experimented with something else.

It's not the end of the world. We all struggle with this stuff. Life doesn't come with instructions. Chalk it up to personal growth and move on down the road.

Hobobobo · Answer

With your current choices and values, there is no way out, and it will probably get worse as your psyche slowly deteriorates to try and compensate for the self-inflicted damage.

If you want freedom and peace, you need to reprioritize and reorient.

MisterWack · Answer

You can apologize to the ex and lift this weight off your chest by coming clean, acknowledging to yourself what you did was wrong & accept that you are a changed woman who would never do that to someone they truly love.

This is what I’d do personally, though if this inspires you to do something else then by all means go for it if it is a positive, uplifting, and good decision that brings peace & change within one’s heart.

HighValue · Answer

Most women are cheaters. It is so common that many don't even think their bad behavior counts. My advice would be to stay off social media apps. Women's cheating has greatly increased due to an inability to properly handle social media and attention from others.

Miristheiss · Answer

You will never have honor until you do tell him so you prove your character still sucks.

You will not do the right thing... if it is inconvenient for YOU.

Telling the truth would inconvenience you... so you won't do it because you are awful.

kaucky1 · Answer

Obviously not even satisfied, you've done nothing wrong. Try not to punish yourself if something not stays on them they came from my vessal or somebody else morphed into one, I told em I'll suck a girl's dick one more girls not satisfied growing beards desired guys be gals til when seem like they are ready to man up

Brendan824 · Answer

I'd say acknowledge you were wrong and let it go. Try to stay in the present. Maybe telling someone like a therapist can help. Maybe even imagine the therapist was your ex that you cheated on. I'd say a friend might be a bit more risky cause you 2 get into an argument and now you're current or ex boyfriend knows. But it does help to tell someone

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Like my dad used to say "It's in the past so let it go since there is nothing you can do about it". I just recommend you don't do it again and life will be kosher.

ChicoFromThe305 · Answer

Starting a relationship by hiding stuff doesn't seem smart tho, imagine when things get stronger he finds out and dumps you, the heartbreak is probably gonna be worse than when it's new

Anonymous · Answer

Just cheating once doesn’t necessarily make you a cheater so you don’t have to call yourself a cheater. Apparently, my wife cheated on a boyfriend back before she and I met and it didn’t bother me. She just told me she was acting stupid and would never do it with anyone else. And, 19 years later, she’s still never cheated on me.

Dargil · Answer

Confess it to him, repent of cheating, ask him to forgive you and then don't do it again. See how that works? IBTW. Include a Carbon Copy to G0d.

ImalwaysrightOK · Answer

Then you're cheating on new guy too because you're taking away his choices. You're a liar and you're manipulating new guy into thinking you're a good person when you're not.

Anonymous · Answer

It's hard to get past tbh. I cheated on my soulmate so I have to live with that. Time is really the only thing that helps, but it's been more than 4 years and I still hate myself for it sometimes..

Staximus · Answer

You didn't cheat on anybody, you were in a fake online relationship. Talking to some guy on the computer and phone is not a relationship. You have to actually spend time with somebody in person more than once to be in a relationship

Bricealan · Answer

Nothing to forgive yourself for in my view.

slatyb · Answer

Sexting? No physical contact? Forget about it. If he never knew, then there he was not harmed.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Let it go. It won't help anyone to say anything about it now.

jahaims · Answer

You don't forgive yourself. You decided to be trash so now you feel like trash. Lying to yourself is unhealthy coping.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Sexting is hardly cheating. Needs to be physical.  Commence pile on...

Anonymous · Answer

It seems that your conscience is bothering you. I suggest that you go to the nearest church and confess.

sophie123469 · Answer

Learn from your mistakes, improve, and become a better person.

Nerdvana · Answer

You cheated on your current boyfriend or an ex-boyfriend?

Anonymous · Answer

You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t apologize to him

noohair · Answer

I believe that you have punished yourself enough. Please forgive yourself and move on.

RedInnocent69 · Answer

You don’t. Hopefully you learn and don’t again, but, shut happens

PaleDale · Answer

It's understandable. It happens to so many. You should forgive yourself.

GAGsucksballs89170 · Answer

So you're saying women cheat too?

Anonymous · Answer

It's just sexting. Let it go.

Maria90_ · Answer

Perhaps you go therapy they could help.

In_Trance · Answer

Get off the internet

How do I forgive myself for cheating on my ex 2 years ago? I never told him?

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