My boyfriend never forgave me for cheating on him 5 years go?

Question

I've been with him for 5 years and the first year of us being together i cheated on him. It was hard and things weren't really ever the same. But we continued to be together. He loves me and i thought he trusted me again after all this time. But it came out today this afternoon he never fully forgave me. Today i ran errands and ran into a guy i work with ( whos gay) we talked and took a couple pictures and i posted on on snap. I come home and my bfs pissed at me and at the time i have no idea why. He starts telling me i haven't changed and then he calls me a whore said i can't help but flirt with every guy outthere. It hurt to hear him say that , i still had no idea what he was mad about and then he shows me the pic. I tried telling him he's a friend and he's gay. But he just kept screaming at me calling me a whore slut and that he'd never marry me because I'd just end up fucking his brothers. Since the first time i cheated i haven't done anything to make him not trust me but he still holds on to it. I love him but after the things he said today I don't know. i went to my moms and He just texted me saying sorry he lost it today and that he believes me ( after stalking the dudes page and stuff) he wants me to come back home I don't know.

ObscuredBeyond · Accepted Answer

He's not psychic. A "gay" man is just a man with disturbed fascinations for the incorrect biological sex, who does things to revel in that which he should be turning away from. On the outside, such a wayward soul looks the same as anyone else. Meaning, there is no reason your man has to believe that this isn't just some other lover of yours. He's not psychic, and can't tell a man is caught up in wayward buggerism unless said other man wears it on his sleeve.

What he lacks, however, is some basic critical analysis.

1. Why would she do this so openly? Real cheaters are more discreet than this.
2. Kindly ask who that is.
3. Wait for further evidence to pop up of anything else which might contradict your answer. If nothing, then believe the answer as much as possible. If so, wait for an opportune moment, the trick you into betraying your own secrets.

That's how a pro catches a serial cheater. Instead, he's letting his fears, doubts, and insecurities do the talking and thinking. He's not rational.

In short: you have to be more discreet, even when not cheating. And he needs to get a grip and use his head more. But if he's started turning toward verbal abuse, that's a red flag. If the verbal abuse persists after you've been routinely vindicated, that's another red flag. Inform him he is not to speak to you that way. Stand your ground. And if he responds by turning to physical abuse; get out of there. If he makes you bleed, get out of there fast and call the cops. At that point, no one will feel any sympathy for his story of you being "just a ho." And once you've done this, consider moving out of state. If he finds where you live to continue his revenge quest... you probably know what to do.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You know what? He's right. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Never should have asked you to get back. It's a shit move from him.

If you don't like what I said, think about how HE didn't like what YOU have done. And no excuses. You're welcome to downvote/report me.

seregunda · Accepted Answer

He shouldn't have shouted at you, it's rude.

What he should have done is break up with you when he had the chance. You didn't respect him enough then, so chances are your level of respect for him hasn't changed much since.

It's perfectly normal not to trust someone that had that had so little respect for you, but it's not healthy to stick with someone that is willing to do that to you. It's probably eaten away at him and his self confidence for years, the poor thing.

Still shouldn't have shouted though. He needs to apologise for the screaming, but you'll need to understand what you have done to him psychologically. It will continue to affect your relationship for years to come if you stay together, and you will need to deal with that as it was your lack of respect for him as a person that did it in the first place.

goddess87 · Accepted Answer

I'm surprised you have went 5 years without him throwing it into your face honestly. From what you said he thought you had changed, but when he saw the photo he said you hadn't changed after all.

To me that says he did somewhat move past it until a reminder presented itself. If you stay with him you should be careful in the future. Act like he's a jealous boyfriend. When I say that, I mean do not be hanging out with other men or taking pics with them even if you are just friends. Be an open book don't do anything that could even look questionable

Sounds shitty, but since he will never fully trust you 100% ever again you have to go the extra mile to silence his insecurities. That's going to be the best you can do bc the memory of cheating will never go away. He may forgive, but he will never forget

CMC93 · Accepted Answer

When you cheat on someone, you also have to deal with the damage you've caused, which include his feelings of insecurity and trust issues, that you caused. If you really love this guy then these are things you are going to have to learn to be patient with. If you don't, then you don't deserve him and should really not be in another relationship until you are mature enough to be commited to one person.

In this case the right thing to do is to forgive him. He apologised to you.

Maybe introduce him to this gay guy so that he feels more comfortable since he obviously has never met him before.

BrittBratt2416 · Accepted Answer

Well you broke his trust in you, he's never going to forget what you've done and will probably be paranoid any time you speak with another guy. And he has every right to feel that cause I definitely couldn't trust someone who cheated on me every again, the love would definitely be diminished after that. I think you're both better off going your separate ways, hopefully this will be a lesson to you. If you don't want to keep going through this type of drama with all your relationships, then be faithful to the person you're with.

freakyzeaky · Answer

Not to rehash what everyone has already said on this subject, but you really need to sit down and talk with him on the regular and air out feelings with him. You need to go out of your way to show him that he is special to you and that you have no intention of making the same mistakes you made in your past.

We should not let our behaviors define who we are. We can change, everyone has the ability to learn. As soon as you identify with the label of "cheater" then you absolve all personality responsibility, carry around toxic shame, and believe that is really "how you are" rather than something you "did".

My suggestion is to remind him as frequently as is reasonable how much he means to you. Treat him like a king. He obviously loves you despite you betraying him. However, even though you cheated on him, it shouldn't give him the license to treat you lesser as a person. He should also treat you like his queen.

Go out of your way to make sure he is satisfied and happy, ask him about what he wants and tell him what you want, communicate, and do not judge.

I hope that helps. Don't let this label hang over your head forever.

Just as Christ said, "Now go... and sin no more..."

kaylaS91 · Answer

well.. that's why they say that breaking trust is like burning a bridge-regardless of how long ago or how many times it happened, it's going to be rebuilt over night, if at all.

I was cheated on a few years ago and.. it's still causing fights between us far too often. My boyfriend can plead and tell me how sorry he is or how stupid he knows he was but that's not enough to quiet the little voice in the back of my mind for telling me I'm being naive to stay with him. Regardless of how much my heart may want that.

madhatters4 · Answer

i think he probably forgave you but it doesn't mean that you forget and are liable to be jealous and insecure which clearly happened. i've been in his position. i was cheated on. i forgave teh person in the sense that i accepted their apology and understand that they messed up but i didn't and couldn't forget.

if he is going to be with you he is going to have to find a way to trust you otherwise it is doomed... and i know it's hard but you also have to be aware that he may have fits of insecurity and jealousy but can't treat you like he did when then occur

HonestGirlAlways · Answer

Okay. First of all you should stay away from people who lose their shit like that. It’s usually a very bad indicator. Second, I don’t blame him for not forgiving you, but I do blame him for holding onto that to use against you when you both agreed to move on from it and stay together. It’s unhealthy to be with someone who constantly uses your past mistakes against you and believe me, if he did it this time, he’s gonna do it again. Trust is a crystal and at least to me cheating is unforgivable. I could never trust you again if I were him. But if he’s anything like me, then he shouldn’t have stayed with you; he did stay though, so he accepts that you fucked up and has to forgive you for it. He can’t keep throwing that shit on your face and making you feel like shit for something he should’ve forgiven if he’s still with you.

Anonymous · Answer

You got yourself into this situation. You should have never cheated on him in the first place, you only have yourself to blame for this result. It's up to you but he'll never trust you again because you already broke his trust several years ago. I think the answer is pretty clear what you should do

Anonymous · Answer

Can you blame him? Cheating on somebody ruins them and you'll never understand that. Maybe you haven't cheated since, but he's terrified that you'll do it again which is preventing him from letting go of what you did and forgiving you completely.

Lucky for you he seems to care. Otherwise why would he stay, right? How he reacted towards you was uncalled for, though. I won't say it was OK that he called you a whore or that he put you down, but you know what? It's hard to trust the person that cheated on you.

Talk it out with him, please. Go back home to him and sit down with him, discuss it.

D1991F · Answer

I don't blame him for thinking that but I also think he should have evidence but remember it's your fault he thinks this So my advice is don't give him material to play with his head and if a male talks to you than don't be to friendly because you will just fuel his hate and take him back to the past...

Anonymous · Answer

This is just the fall out from your cheating past catching up on you. Once you get a reputation as a cheater whether it's with the same boyfriend or a new one those guys will very reasonably wonder if you are going to pull the same shit again by cheating. Most guys I know treat cheating women like they are radioactive your lucky your boyfriend is so understanding. You need to apologise for giving him reason to doubt your faithfulness both now and in the past as this is your fault.

Vesuvius87 · Answer

Well you did pretty much gave him a reason to distrust you. If you guys still want this pointless relationship to continue (he's not even exciting about marrying you anytime soon), I would suggest to get in contact with a counselor.

Otherwise, it would be wise to break up and go your separate ways. Please don't cheat on the next boyfriend.

Anonymous · Answer

You two are over. Your relationship will never thrive because now you got two sensitive cases in the history of your relationship. I think it's best for you to admit that " things will not work out for the future of us together so let's move our own separate ways "

DamnMan · Answer

Well, you shouldn't be taking pictures with other guys on snap while in a relationship.
You just don't do that, and especially after you have a history.
I wouldn't trust such a careless person either.

I don't know why you two are even together. I would not even accept a woman who did that. The reasoning is just too stupid.

troychapman · Answer

what did you expect you can never recover from this its a violation to them you violated him his trust and love for you it will always be like this its like if your mother chose another man over you it will never fully be the same that wound never fully heals he can never completely trust you again

kevinaskmenow · Answer

Am really sorry to hear your story... His reaction was on a moment of rage... Pls remember, it was just a reaction... The action was yours (posting pics)... He is possessive about you and the reason he texted you is coz he loves you as well... He seems to be a normal human with human emotions... Hence, my advice is to patch up and continue your life with him... Life moves on...

BronzedAdonis · Answer

can you blame him for being insecure and resentful?

get over yourself, the fact you're trying to shift most of the fault onto him and downplay your infidelity speaks volumes.

Its allllll about you OP

How dare he challenge you for being unfaithful?

Gatorade1776 · Answer

Once the trust is gone it's pretty much over sorry.

TXKen · Answer

You lost his trust 5 years ago. Should have broken up then. If he is still hanging on to resentment this long then your relationship is doomed. Move on.

Ayer93 · Answer

I wouldn't either. Trust is like balling a piece of paper then trying to unfold it and make it straight again. It's never the same once the damage is done.

JayCasper777 · Answer

Do the right thing. Break up with him. You broke his trust. Its over. Next time don't ruin everything by being a slut.

Jonathan_T · Answer

If he hasn't gotten over it now he never will. Maybe it would be better for both of you to go separate paths. Relationships have to be built on trust, and that is obviously lacking here. You did what you did so can't really blame him

LegateLanius · Answer

you took away all the trust he could have with you five years ago. I would have left you after that.

My boyfriend never forgave me for cheating on him 5 years go?

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