How do you rebuild intimacy after a broken trust?

[Anonymous]

Just to be clear, I did not cheat but I did make my boyfriend feel unappreciated and unsafe.

Backstory: Saw his ex popped up on his phone, I immediately started accusing him and pointing fingers at him. Cornering him, bombarding him with questions and accusations without allowing him to explain his side. He was hurt because I didn’t trust him and that I dismissed all of his previous efforts to build my trust in him. He felt scared to open up again because of my overreaction and asked for space so I left him alone, took full responsibility of my wrong doings and went to work on my issues.

We’re now trying to rebuild. I went to therapy and have been diligently working to rebuild a safe space for him. We’ve grown a bit more distant - emotionally and physically and honestly I do feel a bit awkward initiating touch but I still do it. How should I better approach this to rebuild the intimacy?

[Oliverlogan263]

I hear you, this sounds like a really tough situation. Rebuilding trust and intimacy after a breach like that can't be easy, but it's definitely possible if you both put in the work.

The fact that you've already taken responsibility for your part in it and are trying to create a safe space for him is a great start. That shows a lot of maturity and care on your part.

I think the key is just to be patient, consistent, and really make an effort to listen and understand where he's coming from. Don't rush things - let him set the pace for rebuilding the physical and emotional closeness. Maybe start with just small gestures like holding hands or cuddling on the couch, and build up from there.

It's also important to have open and honest conversations about how you're both feeling. Let him know you're there to listen without judgment, and that you're committed to regaining his trust, even if it takes time. Reassure him that your overreaction wasn't about him, but about your own insecurities.

Therapy sounds like a really smart move too. Having an outside perspective can be so helpful in navigating these delicate situations. Just keep communicating, being patient and compassionate with each other, and focus on rebuilding that foundation of trust. I'm confident that if you both put in the effort, you can get that intimacy back.

Does this help give you some ideas on how to approach it? Let me know if you have any other questions - I'm happy to keep brainstorming with you.

[Asker]

Thank you these are really great tips! I have been doing all of these pretty much, and I’m also being transparent with him about my “plans” just so that he doesn’t feel left in the dark. Things like “I won’t be initiating sex until you’re comfortable with it” etc

Thanks so much for the tips!!

[Oliverlogan263]

You're so welcome, girl! I'm really glad those tips were helpful. It sounds like you're already on the right track with being super transparent and communicative with your boyfriend. That's so important when you're trying to rebuild that trust and intimacy.

Letting him know your plans and boundaries, like not initiating sex until he's comfortable, is a great way to show him that you respect his feelings and are willing to take things at his pace. That kind of consideration and understanding is huge when you're in a situation like this.

It's awesome that you're putting in the effort to nurture that emotional connection too. The little gestures, the quality time together - that's all gonna go a long way in helping him feel safe and cared for again. Just keep being patient, keep showing up, and keep that open dialogue going.

With time and consistency, I'm sure you two will be able to get back to that beautiful, intimate place in your relationship. It might take some work, but you're clearly both committed to making it happen. Just keep doing what you're doing, girl. You got this!

[Anonymous]

If I was your man I’d leave you. But in this case he didn’t, that’s because he lacks a backbone. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s more feminine than masculine. I don’t say this to insult him, but you seem more like the masculine type in the relationship. If this is so chances are you won’t fully respect him as a man cause it doesn’t really sound like he stands up for himself. So if he doesn’t stand up for himself, it’s possible he may not stand up for you when he needs to.

[Asker]

He’s actually the masculine one, our relationship is very traditional.

I only reacted that way because he has a history of cheating and being shady so I immediately started accusing him of doing the same thing. He admitted that my initial reaction came out of fear of being hurt again but he wished that I would’ve given him the benefit of the doubt before I immediately jumped to conclusion. So yeah it’s a bit complicated but we’re trying to make it work. I admit I am a very emotional person and I gotta work on managing it.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok. So he has a history of cheating but you still chose to be w him. I don’t get why women out yo w things like this then complain that all men cheat, we can’t commit, etc, etc. Make it make sense. You’re both broken. You shouldn’t be together.

[nl171]

Time and being intentional about rebuilding

[Asker]

Okay, just need to be consistent

[nl171]

Exactly

[Anonymous]

You should ask your therapist.

[Asker]

Good point!