Abusive partner won't divorce?

[Bloodparadise]

My guy friend of 4 years, is currently in a abusive relationship for a period of very long time.

He and his crazy, abusive partner fight all the time. His partner is transgender and she/he always accuses him of cheating.

She/he threatens him with self harm/suicide and when fighting my guy friend may have even hitted her.

When asked for divorce, he/she wouldn't agree and is very possessive of him in the relationship..

Any opinions on how to manage the relationship and help my guy friend?

[HollyK21]

There’s never a right time to end things when the person you’re trying to leave is abusive, manipulative and toxic. My friend didn’t wait for him to agree on a divorce, just like she didn’t wait for a restraining order. She took her two kids, left him and moved in with family because what mattered most was safety, not trying to finalize things on his terms. She figured out the other moving parts like divorce and custody later.


Your friend won’t leave until she’s ready, and I hope it doesn’t take something horrific to make her see the light. All you can do until that time comes is to keep encouraging her. Don’t badmouth her boyfriend if you can help it, just listen and ask leading questions. Like “why would he think that’s ok?” “what did you think of him acting like that?”, basically questions that let her explore the situation and come to the conclusion on her own. I think my friend was the most receptive when she wasn’t subconsciously defending him and instead having bits of realization that this guy was crappy and not safe to have around herself or her kids.

[MissMarvelous]

Threatening suicide is coercive control. He may need to make her family aware or call cops when she's trying to.

Personally, If I were him, I'd be completely normal, then wait until they are gone to work or with family, and completely move out. Then send her support system rather it be family or friends a text letting them know that she needs help, and is suicidal.

Worst case scenario, he can have the police there when he's grabbing a couple of things for his safety.

What you can do as a friend: Assuming that he chooses to very very discreetly move out, you can help him find a storage unit, to grab his things little by little while she's gone to work to store it there.. or let him store his belongings in an area in your garage. Then can help him find an apartment or let him sleep on your couch for a couple of weeks while searching. The only thing that you can do to help, is helping him out, but he has to make a decision, stick to it, be smart, proactive, and think 10 steps ahead. 80% of the getting out part is on him.

That relationship is on a sinking ship. He can either keep using his hands to get the water out, or grab your hand, and get on your boat to float onshore.

Getting away in an abusive relationship that your partner thinks they own you is EXTREMELY dangerous. She could try to unalive your friend and then herself. IT IS VERY IMPERATIVE THAT HE CROSSES HIS T'S AND DOT HIS I'S. Start acting on facts, not emotions. Because if he hesitates, that can be his life.

[Kaneki05]

In reality he just has to run for it. Yeah it's going to cost him but it's the only way out.

Nothing is going to manage it, but if he wants out he can get out he really needs to push away from it anyway he can.

Short term it will be bad but in the long run best choice he made.

[Finchie40]

Your friend needs to grow a pair of balls and divorce and file a PFA with the police if he/she is physically abusing him

[slatyb]

It doesn't matter whether the partner doesn't agree. See a lawyer and file for divorce.

[Anonymous]

you've done/said all you can. after that, it's his problem, not yours. dude needs to grow a spine.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to manage some else’s relationship?

[Bloodparadise]

Because he's my best friend. And he wants me to help

[MasterKS]

court cases is for that.

[eagle1951]

I guess she/he was right about him cheating