How would you cope the best way?

[Noredcarpet]

In my past my partner tried to hide from me his ex wanted him back to a ridiculous great of length but I found out anyhows and when I did it had gone by a ridiculous amount of time, which he had during, self inflicted, built up anxiety. I let him off the hook as by the end of the day I came to the conclusion he hadn't cheated. Before lots of things did not make sense and I could tell something was wrong by how others acted and you just go into this mood when you think you're crazy when all along you're not. Adding early on I got the notion I was not the only one into him, there was particurly someone else but she pretended to just be his friend or part of the group. I saw this coming but can not remember it made me too effected by it, could be because it was still so early on. I guess I thought with time if we proceed, would be serious my socalled rival would get the picture and stop trying. Like his ex she escalated her game as she felt she was loosing, or had nothing left to loose, but right before that I had enough of the pretending game and told him this got to stop if he was serious about me. Time passed which during as a result from anxiety he has become jealous of me. I did not get it was as bad as it was, the cycles. Now he has befriended someone. Female, who too has her mental stuff. And my whole system is reacting, Im sad, angry, to be calm again, etc. We've been apart on my request but are now with some of his ideas going to see how this goes. I feel she could be anyone. She is not the one who made a commitment to me, know our rules. I have never confronted his ex or the friend rival as well and am not about to break this tradition. There could be a 100 of them, it's how he is. How do I keep my head as cold as I after all managed to do before? I am in some waiting mode, I can't describe, but don't like that, is there something you can do, think, to change it that would be better for me?

[Plugs]

Communicate and ask for exclusivity. A situation exists only when the communication doesn’t happen because both parties don’t initiate. Stop leaving things unsaid.

[Noredcarpet]

Thanks, yes, I have tried to communicate but now I feel as if he should have known better than to involve himself like that with her in the first place. Empathy is his weak spot and his boundaries are too weak. He claims it is not what I think but I think he has shown her way too much empathy already, when he should have thought of how it would effect me, knowing my past, our past with this sort of thing. Im home again with him but Im not really here. One minute he wants to hug, the other he's aggitated, I've said all I wanted to say, feel empty, walls up, waiting for their next move. I wish he could cut her out completely but because of other circumstances he can't. I've told him if he cares that much for her then leave. A part of me regret showing my reaction, should just let it play out, let him go. Another part think she is manipulating him, using his empathy, what they share in common, don't trust her. My dad who cheated and who later in life picked the wrong people did not see it coming, I think. I get sick of being his bodyguard. I was my dads and could not do a thing, just watch it all play out, now I'm his. He says over and over he loves me, this was suppose to be our new start. Time will tell, I guess.

[Plugs]

If u aren’t exclusive u can’t expect loyalty. So make it an official relationship or mind your own business

[Noredcarpet]

We are an official couple, partners, we were a new couple but not dating others when the thing happened with his ex, etc. This why I think I was more tolerant to it as I figured the actions from them was because he had found me.

[HollyK21]

I’d cope by leaving that relationship. It’s too much drama and you’ve got no peace of mind. No relationship is worth always having to look over your shoulder.

[Noredcarpet]

I am not sure as for now what to do. I see a pattern of his where as the women get pretty far with him before he reacts, think there is something wrong, and then I think is he really that innocent? Can't he read women? Is he stringing them along on purpose? It just keeps happening. He says he is sick of the drama, he. That he loves me, etc, do not make it into something. It is he who has accepted, joined her game. he's done therapy for Christ sake. This is the result? Drama happens to us because he lets it. Thank you.

[HollyK21]

Drama happens between you because YOU allow it honey. There’s no way you should have multiple expectations of him disrespecting you in some way, shape or form. There should’ve only been one time, maybe even two if you were weak the first time around. But again and again? A man who loves and cares about you would never put you through what this guy has, and this is coming from someone with a good amount of experience dating along with currently being engaged. I could never even imagine my fiancé befriending another woman and vice versa, we actually agreed early into dating each other that we only keep the opposite sex friends we already had, and anyone new would either be our mutual or nothing at all. That’s real love, being considerate of your partner and taking care of them the best you can, not filling you with doubt, worry, insecurity, etc and not giving a damn about it.

[HollyK21]

**multiple experiences of him disrespecting you

[Noredcarpet]

Thank you. With the previous early experiences I came to the conclusion these girls set it up, had help too to do it, proof of that. I did not take it personal as they were not friends of mine and we didn't really know each other, although I at a level felt it was shitty. He went furious with his ex when I wasn't there, witnesses, but then he didn't tell me as he said he was afraid what it would look like and although we were a couple I did not know him well. He said his actions from his ex shocked hin as she was before not doing these things and he came to believe ishe changed, wanted him back because he had told people about me and she got the word. The friend I could tell apart from other girls because of how she acted. I think I at least used to be fine with exes and him having friends of both girls guys as what to me determined it all was how it was, chemistry. I have never before had to be jealous with my exes as well. When I thought ok this is what jealousy feels like I was corrected. I have trusted my partner with my or other female friends because of how everything was treated about it, how everyones acted. He has been super strict with me what he tolerates and not and suffered from severe jealousy periods without me knowing what could have triggered it leading him to do all sorts to keep it under control but few times telling me it was bad, really bad and always about when something else shitty was gping on in his life simultanously. I have asked if our relationship is too unhealthy mentally on him then the best thing is if we part but he has insisted he never wants to loose me, that that is what he's afraid of. Why this is too so confusing to me why to me he has been allowing a boundary being crossed. He does not agree with me he has shown hyper emoathy to her and says he don't think at all she likes him like that, but I am thinking that is what he thought too of the others and looked what happened there.

[Noredcarpet]

When the things happened with the girls before I can not say I found them very safe and sound, from what I got there were in a crises of some kind. Why too I am sorry to say perhaps being too harsh but why I don't trust his new friend. He says now he will not risk us over a friendship with her but still persist he does not agree he has been overly kind etc with her. You and your partner are way smarter than I was, I never thought of having a rule like that. But I thought it was obvious knowing my experiences in my past he would get it on his own that this is something I'm not OK with. He says he refuse to give up on us now, he wants counseling for us before I consider leaving him. He has been open he says about everything and swears he just felt so bad for her, but again he should have put a boundary up. I don't know what the result of all this will come too. But I know I can not stay with him and be insecure, hurt, and accept their boundaries when they aren't mine. I wonder if I had done the same to him how he would react, he who self claimed he has been so jealous of me in the past? I won't do it, but it is obvious I never set a rule for him to follow. Thought it was mutual. I've been, still is so sensitive because of all the therapy before that it reminds me of things so much. Really, thanks :)

[HollyK21]

I say this with absolutely zero disrespect but I feel like all I’m seeing here are a bunch of excuses, and that’s a big reason why this stuff keeps happening. He doesn’t get held accountable, you just excuse what he does for this or that reason and he gets away with his BS (that no other woman would deal with) and no repercussions. Where’s to space for him to appreciate you? Why would he fundamentally value a woman who isn’t valuing herself? At the end of the day words are just words and he knows exactly what to say to you without much to actually back it up. Nobody wants to be broken up with and if things end they want it to be on their terms, and that’s what it sounds like. He doesn’t have to agree with a breakup and you don’t need his permission, he certainly wouldn’t ask for yours if the shoe were on the other foot it would just be over. Hopefully you do it first, because it sounds like he’s got a wandering eye and leaving his options open for someone else. This is just an outside, unbiased perspective, and unfortunately this is my assessment of what’s going on. The more I know, the worse it sounds and that’s me telling you as someone who’s not your friend and not afraid of hurting your feelings.

[HollyK21]

**where’s the space

[Noredcarpet]

Thank you, I appreciate it, I have a lot to think about, revalue, etc. Guess I'm my own worst enemy.

[HollyK21]

No problem hun. I know that leaving is easier said than done but part of advocating for yourself or acting in your own best interest is making the hard choices and knowing when to leave.

You know who you’re dealing with at this point, and despite your conversations and him knowing how you feel, along with knowing the damage he’s done, he continues to do bullshit like getting a brand new female friend. Why on earth would he do that? To be friends you must gain a back and forth along with a fondness with someone and to me, he’s doing way too much. I’ve been in a relationship where a man has a female best friend, I’ve also dated a man who had several female friends. Neither of those connections worked out and it had to do with those women each time. If I never met my fiancé, I wouldn’t be able to look back at those situations and see how disrespectful and careless those men were. It didn’t matter how much they said they loved me or didn’t want to lose me, their actions showed differently. I’ve never been with a guy who was so mindful of me, and if ever we were to break up I’d never deal with a guy like my exes again.

You don’t know better until you receive better, so I understand how you rationalize for this man and justify so many of his faults. But I’m just telling you, woman to woman, his behavior is not normal and it’s far from ok. He’d never be cool with you doing what he does, and I think deep down you know that this is a double standard.

[Noredcarpet]

Thank you very much for everything. I'm sorry your exes were like that but relieved, happy for you you now at last found someone special who treats you right and understand and agree on his own about this. Yes, I agree with you it is a double standard. I've tried to understand before where, if I went wrong with him getting jealous but it always had to do with his own well being, the same with an ex I had. When they were feeling normal there was nothing of it or it was under control. When not it has been tough to go through. He has followed me, etc, and each time landed in relief that he could tell I hadn't done anything. I did not know he was til he would later tell me. With the ex I think he got bipolar, and due to lots of stress too, I think he got jealous, insane with it. I had that in my baggage so I got scared when realizing he too was going mental, jealousy. Today he says he has full confident in my boundaries, know me, but this is how he pays that back? I feel as I opened up, showed myself vulnerable with my dads past for nothing. He should have understood this was a reminder. He still claims he has no romantic feelings for her. I realize he told me about her only after she had sought him out on his social platform. Before that I get what was going on was confidental but the whole idea is not to cross that line and have something else on the side, for it to be a private relationship. He should have thought of me. He still do not agree he has shown more empathy to her than he should, so he will then continue being just who he is and if he does cut her out completely I will feel as if he is only doing it for show, for me, but that he hasn't got it. I don't want that type of guy. Anyhows, big thanks for everything.