Good or bad move to contact the other woman/man?

[Noredcarpet]

I wonder what u think about is the right move to make if u suspect or know your partner has someone else in their lives and you suspect cheating, to contact this person or not?

In my past dad cheated. Mom contacted the other woman to get answers. To me it looked like one big, frightening soap opera.

I know of others who have at last confronted the other woman or man, but then it's pretty much "I know what the two of you are doing and I want you to know that and what I think of your action, part in it". The ones who has done it that way don't regret it. As for me I have always thought what difference does it make as I'm thinking if your partner is the one who has made the commitment to you and the other one hasn't then what do they care? That is if they have not been mislead and think the partner is single.

If we take aside what the partner is like and focus on the other woman or man to my experience they are at the time a wrecking ball, not stable, or someone calculating, cold, who thrives on drama, manipulation, egos. What ever is up with them they are the last people I would want to invite into my life, more, than what has already happened.

I have experienced girls after first having to place some kind of focus on the partner to then zoom in on me. I have been on the verge to contact them. In the end after trying to learn as much I can, I haven't. These had by then stepped back.

In the past I dated a beutiful guy, noticed that girl type I have problem with, I paniced. Dropped him. Without him having done anything wrong.

I thought with a hot partner later on, (that I would happen to get, others would say he was hot, anyhows) I would practice no panic. I thought OK if he got strong boundaries.

U get sick of going through it, insecuriti. Don't know if mistake to not have made contact with a girl I think the last hot guy/ partner went too far with, now? What difference it would make? Or just let it be. If I can move on anyways. But he won't let me be about it.

[ohsheeT]

Bad move. If you think it's going on

Means your just thinking it

Before you do anything at all you need 100 % proof. With at proof you know nothing. And you say something with out 100 % proof. All you did was warn them you think they are doing something. So they stop. And it drags on longer

[Noredcarpet]

I regret not having a poker face and wait longer but at the same time I was not fake in my reaction, thoughts. He said that he agreed she crossed a boundary but by his responce to it it sure did not look like it, but an encouragement. I think too the surprise moment, me contacting her without a chance of interferring, Orchestra, would have been the best way if/when to reach out. U can say I did it all wrong. I should have been more strategic, I let my heart react, not my brain, could not keep it cold/strategic. Wish I could have.

[ohsheeT]

Well he thinks he got away with something then he will do it again

Just listen and pat attention to his words if you stay quiet and don't say too many words at all. This is where control comes in. You have to control every emotion , but if you're quiet quiet , he will tell on himself and he won't even know

If I was you and he did it again, I wouldn't say one word, I would just walk away, and let him be with her, because this would be twice that he knew what he was doing, and he's just totally disrespecting you, because he thinks he's smarter than you. Anything that he can get away with if you stay with him. He's just going to do it again

[Noredcarpet]

Thank u so much for the advice. From what I know of her she is unstable and so even if I was to contact her a part of me is concerned that I will push her over the edge which I do not want to do, human to human, considering, and foremost because I blame him for this having happened in the first place. This is like the third time I see him somehow inviting women who are chaos in our lives but before I used to blame the women more. I have not seen him in action til now and so if this is how he has been to other women too in our past no wonder they think he (too) is into them like that. I told him these things just don't happen again and again to u. He comes from chaos. He told me he don't want no partner who brings in chaos, and he didn't want these other women, he don't want her, he does not think I'm chaos, said this is why he chose me as he thought I was as un chaos u can get. But there is something there within why he still choose chaos. Yes, you're right I must work on my poker face, no emotions, words, for what the future holds like I used to. He still want therapy etc, not just a split, more time. Keeps saying they are different incidents. I am thinking if she know she has gone too far and now she thinks of her partner that she too will say what ever not to loose him if she has regrets. He wants me to control everything as a way to regain trust but I mean they must still have ways to reach out, see each other if they want, to fool me. I feel detached and know I should maybe show interest in it but it is as if I feel so let down I don't care either way. Anyhows he wants more time etc, one last chance.

[ohsheeT]

It's funny when someone cheats in there head in there heart they know they are wrong but they do it any way because they are so selfish and they think they are so smart because they think they will never get cough

But then that day comes and they do get cough and then all the lies they tell
To make you believe it's not true.

And then it happens again and again

All the guy is doing is telling you. This is who I am
I'm a cheater
I'm a liar
You can't trust me
And if he gets cought over and over again it's only because you allowed him back in the first time

[Noredcarpet]

Yes, so true. Fool me once... Had I thought he was cheating before I would have left.
tt has been one of our issues that he do not react when I think people act strange or bad, til it to him get (really, really) strange, bad. When I have asked him about the other girls he would always get defensive but tell me yes, that didn't feel right but... Or some other eccuse, it felt like he was protecting them, himself, but not thinking of me. Now he says he has rearranged so they do not risk seeing each other in hope my attitude will change. He wants us to follow the steps of the program and at finishing line he will respect my decision if it is then to leave. He says a lot of things. On one hand I know there is so much worse that others discovered about their partner then I have, but it still effects me. He has built heslthy boundaries with his family but when it comes to this I don't think so but he still disagree and says he only showed compassion, was very concerned. I've never done anything like him but if I think of how jealous he would get I can not imagine he would be OK with what that dude would do if he did what she did and me welcoming it (despite it feeling strange, wrong, as if we wouldn't be able to calculate what comes next.

[ohsheeT]

Well only in time you will find out. It just how you go about finding out if you say something of cour.\nSe he's going to say, no, it's better, sometimes not to say anything, just find out the truth and then you don't even have to say anything. If it's true , just walk away , you don't need to share anybody with a boyfriend

But the more that is said about it the harder it will be to prove

[Noredcarpet]

Yes, I agree totally with you. You're wise. Thank u very much :)

[mompatrol416]

It may not make a big difference as far as yeah either way it's him who had made the commitment to you and him who broke it, not her. She technically owes you nothing... but pretend now that you're the other woman and let's say you don't know he's being unfaithful.. Wouldn't you appreciate someone letting you know you're beeing played?
Yes she may already know but that's not something you can just assume.. Don't approach her in an angry manner just make sure she is aware that she's being played since she also deserves to know.

[DishLady]

Bad move to do more than just let the bad partner go and move on. There's no reason to contact MORE people about this. You see he's cheating just confront him about it and be ready to walk away immediately.

[RavVid]

I think it is legitimate to tell them what a dirt bag they are.

There seems to a concept that the other woman/man should not be attacked and I can't see why that should be. E. g. the cheated upon person shouldn't inform the other woman/man's partner they have a cheating partner.

I would dish the dirt.

[Hagar88]

I agree. If you knowingly get involved with a married person you deserve whatever shitstorm comes your way. Too many people these days operate as though there are no consequences for anything they do.

[RavVid]

Thanks for a MHO

[Summeroflove]

It comes down to most people want to know…. Sone people yeah they don’t wanna see it. Are in denial… and will attack you for telling them. But at that point you did your job.

[Vevv123]

I’ve always been someone that needs to get answers and I don’t like making things up and need solid proof before I blame someone of something, so for me in my past relationship, especially since I loved him I would have believed everything he told me. Contacting them (there were multiple) opened my eyes and gave me the sign to leave, it also gave me closure for things he always made excuses for because if she’s willing to talk to you, she’ll possibly answer many questions. It’s the best way to get answers.

[katiesmuff]

I would confront my partner letting him know our time together is over that quick. No things will get better speech, no crying (in public anyway), no second chances, just get out and get a lawyer as I have done.

[Dargil]

Without a wedding ring, there is no committed relationship. Under those circumstances, a man can have as many Paramours as he wants. But if you are a married wife, Your first duty is , to confront your husband with unequivocal evidence, not suspicion. An unsupported accusation is disrespect. If you think he is lying, and he may be, you are clear to confront his paramour. This is likely to end your marriage, but that is the risk that you take.

[DonaldDarko]

Use a drone, hidden cameras stuff like that. Get proof and get out. Anyone cheating is scum.

[Nikki1989]

That is never a good idea. Just let it go and move on.

[beefcakebradybatson]

It's good if you want to risk an a** whipping.

[blackeagle007]

What would you accomplish?

[Anonymous]

Not a good idea.

[lightbulb27]

your call!