Years after a breakup, have you ever realized how toxic YOU were/ where YOU were wrong in the relationship?

[LifeHitMeandRan]

Please post openly. I'm seeking to hear others' perspective and learn from it.

Feel free to post anonymously and let's not judge others for their answers. Also, I do not expect victims of abuse of any sort at the hands of partner to think THEY were ever wrong and I hope I'm not opening those wounds by asking this.

What made you wake up? Have you been able to forgive yourself?

For a long time I blamed my first ex's stepdad as the reason for her leaving me and was bitter at her for not telling me the reason for the breakup. And post-breakup, I did some dumb things.

Took me YEARS to realize some of my actions did contribute to the break up. And I still have yet to forgive myself for some of them. But I also have to give myself enough grace to remember that I NEVER had role models to show me what a healthy relationship looks like, that I grew up in a broken family AND that I was just a child barely becoming an 'adult'. I was 17-18 in that relationship and a victim of domestic abuse from my mother (even though I didn't know that at the time). And then I went right into the military without these issues resolved PLUS new issues from the military. None of those are excuses for how I behaved, but rather factors that I needed to heal from. Yes, her stepdad DID use my mistakes to manipulate her, but I gave him the ammo to do so.

It had been literally 15 years (we broke up June 16th, 2011) since we last spoke. I know conventional wisdom is to leave her alone. But part of me wishes to talk to her one more time. NOT to rekindle the relationship (I feel like damaged goods and too dark for that), but to simply talk one more time, apologize for everything and show how sorry I really am. To ask for forgiveness (and if I cannot secure it, maybe endure the wrath and every emotion she might have hidden and wish to take out on me because she deserves that right if she wants it). I know that is a stupid thought. Will not act on it, but needed to get things off my chest.

[Noredcarpet]

I hope you have forgiven yourself or am about to because as you say there were reasons for it.

I have only one thing I regret but it was yet not a serious relationship but could have been maybe, so maybe that diesn't count.

Now, me not feeling bad about something could be because I lack awareness of my own actions. Or maybe because my exes did not tell me I behaved badly towards them, except when being told by two different guys that I ghosted them when I did not.

I have one ex who developed an addiction and he would after rehab apologize to me and I figured I was on the list to all those in his life that he was now trained into as part of his recovery program to apologize to. I didn't take it too seriously back then. He kept returning later to again apologize and I didn't know what to do with that, I had already told him I forgave him. I had moved on with my life and my love life too. It has only been in recent time when I had to go through everything that it hit me that maybe he really felt so bad.

I have another ex who I think got bipolar after few years and changed, jealousy that was without reason. He too would try to find ways to apologize, to only want to talk etc but I remembered him far too well for all the bad he put me through. What I could tell is that through his ways his attitude was changing over time becoming more and more humble, apologetic. I did not know if it was a trap and I simply could not stand getting in contact with him again.

With these two exes I built up walls as I sinply could not trust that if they said they were sorry they really meant it and/or what it would be followed by. This meant I couldn't relax and let it in and ket it be simply that, nothing else.

It is important you forgive yourself with or without her forgivess but if you are thinking of apologizing to her if I may suggest do it in a way that will make her feel relaxed and not worry what comes next or no, no, no I don't want him back in my life and now he is here with one foot in.

You have to think too about how you have matured through this, you are not your old self. Bad things happened to ypu and while still in it you made bad things happen to her. It is the new you who wants to apologize and that in itself is victory, wisdom. Don't let the old you get a grip on you and pull you back but keep on going.

To me my suffering in each of the two relationships can not be undone but it made me let them go more easily perhaps they did me because they were the ones who did wrong, but it is a very good sign if they were genuinly sorry. For what it's worth today I feel sorry too for my ex who got addicted and the one I think got bipolar because they too were victims of something that got out of control and they lost themselves before loosing me. I feel that the only you you can plan for who you will become is your future self. You can't with your yesterday and the present you is just that result in the present you can't do anything about in the right now moment. Meaning what ever fault you are doing right now in a wsy you can't impact. Only the future you. I have thought if them as their right now snd in their right now they could not have done a thing differently. I understood what caused my ex's addiction but that was because I knew enough about him, his past, his present to know that and I did not ever think I was the cause of his addiction. With the bipolar ex I did feel as if he blamed me, fault in me, to cause his strong reactions, but that too did not wear off on me as I could tell he was then alone in thinking that, I wasn't to blame.

Maybe your ex knows enough of you too and knows without you having to tell her what made you that way and so if she does she does not take it personally as if she deserved it.

[Koneko911]

Yes. As someone who was abused emotionally, sexually and partially physically as a kid it caused me to cling (also potential Borderline personality disorder im going to therapy to confirm of i have). So I have a huge fear of losing someone. Especially a romantic partner. So that causes me to be excessively clingy... to the point I'll message or call way too much. It's not always me trying to upset the person... I just if we aren't talking or like a day goes by without communication my mind immediately goes to I did something wrong or they're mad. Also doesn't help me last excessively yes was partially emotionally abusive (would cheat on me and withhold any affection if I fucked up) so this made my anxiety clingyness way way worse to the point i know I get unbearable with how annoying it makes me

[lightbulb27]

yes of course. self reflection and exposure is helpful.

was a process of evaluating self, finding new relationship/wife helped point out some of it.

the key is to remain open to hear others view. the problem is selfishness, emotional rigidity.

Feelings on your side of regret and forgiveness... as you've made discoveries of value.

But I'm sure your X already knows your behavior or someone else did, just may not know the specific reasons. There is a reason people write notes... and burn them. Some people send them. Some people talk to God and others and let it go.

I think the bigger issue is if it is screwing someone elses life, there's benefit to release them with the knowledge. So many of us go around and damage others and for those of us with empathy, it creates sadness. if we could go back and apologize and make amends and such. Thus I aim to be most authentic in the moment so those issues don't turn up. Dealing with the past... is tricky.

What's the Bible say about it... I don't know?

A solution to most is being successful and demonstrating that to others, you can share in those channels. Public confession is helpful, writing of books. look at all the books on the shelf of people confessing things... hoping someone else can be helped.

[AviatorTom]

After 20+ years of marriage, we had an amicable divorce. Neither of us was wrong, but each of us did things as time went on that made it hard to continue the marriage.

On the positive side, she and I are happily remarried to other people, each approaching 10 years of marriage. I guess we each learned some things in our marriage that we've brought to our current marriages.

[Chazmatazz269]

Yeah. Not just in romantic relationships. As part of a 12-step recovery program, we have to learn to recognize and accept our part in all of our grievances and offenses against others.

[DishLady]

It wasn’t so much that I was toxic but that towards the end I knew if we didn’t split I WOULD become toxic, and I didn’t want that.

[Simslover92]

It didn't take me years to realize where I went wrong.

[Finchie40]

I realized how toxic she was when I put myself back on the market, , realizing there are way better girls’ out there

[Purpleronnie]

in my opinion only a fool would say they have been perfect in any relationship , clearly I’m no exception , but I’d never agree that my conduct could have been perceived as toxic.


Relationships in my relatively less mature years were littered with mistakes and I took full account of them at the time and many times after reproached myself over how I could have / should have.


They have all helped me grow to be a better man and I beleive also a better partner so there’s that and none have been relationship ending.

[smashleyy]

Yes but does not take me YEARS to self reflect on my own shitty behaviour

[LifeHitMeandRan]

Probably did not make myself clear due to character limit in my post. It did not take me years to realize I did wrong. It took me years to forgive myself for it.

[smashleyy]

Ahh I get that. I have yet to reach the forgiving stage in certain situations

[Kabluie]

One of my earliest college relationships when i was monogamous at 17, i was the toxic one. Being young and possessive. I've changed a lot and became poly not long after, but if anything it brought the frame of mind why many gals like older relationships too, they sometimes deal what i was like then.

[UrLoveMocha]

Yes, I always put someone else before myself and ultimately I was unhappy and made them unhappy. It was a hard lesson for me to learn because I was so used to putting others first.

[Nikki1989]

Nah, I am quite aware when I have gone wrong. I don't need a breakup to realize that.

[Anonymous]

My biggest mistake was thinking I needed to be IN a relationship at all. I just didn't want to admit I liked variety too much to ever be with one woman for too long. I'm just a ho, and I love sex, and I'll never be your loyal little puppy dog.

[LiamJHayden]

I've realized that I tend to be too unforgiving.

[Anonymous]

I never actually had a relationship.

[Raydergman26]

It depends