Opinion on me telling my boyfriend I cheated?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been married for a bit, I want to tell my boyfriend I cheated on him. There was so feelings involved, honestly the other guy could die today and I wouldn’t care. I don’t have a reason as to why I cheated. It’s not that my husband didn’t make me happy, he’s an amazing husband. The best person I know, and I want my life with him. And I have no delusions that telling him could very well mean losing him. At which point, I deserve what I get. But I when I did it I just was checked out of life, and imploding. That’s not an excuse, but I just wanna hear from some guys that. I’ve gotten one male prospective and he told me to just keep it to myself. He also has been cheated on in his marriage. So males? Opinions pls. Girls are welcome to share as well.

[SueShe]

I guess that this is what happens when fornication in life becomes the only thing of importance in life and in a relationship. All other things are forgotten. The love, the good times, the devotion and the sacrifices others do are on the back burner because they are never as important as copulating with someone. Those pathetic muscular contractions and spasms are what defines a relationship nowadays.

You have cheated on your husband once. Is there a valid reason why not to do it another and another time again? If you tell him, you are putting pressure on yourself not to do it again even though you know you want it and it will eventually happen again. It is all a matter of incentive. If that incentive is high enough, you will do it again.

So, why torment yourself to tell your husband. You would be cutting into your own flesh and it would make cheating on him again so much more difficult for you.

No, keep that secret for yourself and don't give him a reason why he should move away from you.

[Asker]

I honestly don’t even know what to say to all of that. But thank for your opinion

[SueShe]

You see, what confuses me in your question is the fact that you mention that you are married and yet you stated that you cheated on your boyfriend.

You do not mention anything about cheating on your husband but only on your boyfriend.

The other problem is that when you cheat, it is like touching the forbidden fruit. You want to taste it over and over again despite feeling bad for doing it.

Just think of what you have to gain by telling him or them (husband AND boyfriend)? What is it going to bring you vs. what are you likely to lose if you do.

[Master_Debator]

Keep it to yourself. You already did it... and from the way you described it... you didn't burn him (STD, other men's babies, fucked a guy that will now socially be involved in his life). On top of that, the way you told it gives me a feeling you've figured out fucking other dudes isn't going to fix you.

So currently no damage has been done. Maybe some in a deeper sense which is through you... but you have what you have now. You're just going to fuck up what you have now by telling him to be honest.

"Never cheated on me" is one of those reason a man will stick around during hard times. You take that out of the jar of reasons to be with you...

You might think you're doing the right thing by keeping "at least she's been honest" in the jar, but in fact you're taking both and a lot more out of the jar by telling him. After telling him, it will never be the same. He will never again be motivated to try as hard as he did before just to keep you around or to serve you.

Telling him is dumb. If you learned from it and wouldn't do it again, you don't need to punish yourself further.

[Smart_Monk]

I'm not a cuck... let's put that aside. I think you are right on this one. And i also think that it is the opposite when finding partners. Context matters, and lying is bad, so she should only tell him if he asks.

I say it's the opposite for new partners because if a woman who sucked 10 cocks, says that she only sucked 3, she must be still holding those cocks inside her. They mean enough to lie. But if she admits that she sucked all 10, then they're meaningless to her enough at this point, she spat them out.

Of course it's not automatically unslutting her. It's a comparsion to the asker: if that fucker she cheated with is meaningless, she would not keep him in her mind, but she wouldn't lie when asked either.

[Master_Debator]

@Smart_Monk Trust me, I've already figured out you're not a cuck. I am 10,000% morally against this chick and what she's already done. Reality though... we're damn dirty apes... I bet she's just going to cheat more. Then, after that, she'll cheat some more.

Damn dirty apes.

But the best advice for her situation is what I gave. Probably won't listen and just cheat some more.

[aceleon]

telling him is the right thing to do, not building a false happiness through lies.
how much of a sociopath you are to tell her to keep that to herself for her own benefit? you suck even more than her with this mindset.

[Master_Debator]

@aceleon True... I do have Machiavellianism personality traits and it's astute of you to notice. The right thing to do would be not to cheat to begin with, so I conclude she doesn't care about right and wrong in the same way you do. And if you re-read what I wrote to @smart_monk you'll see what I predict she's going to do anyways despite my advice. My advice would further bury the misdeed in the past, but I don't think she's really going to follow my advice to that outcome long-term. Usually cheating is a pattern and as soon as the situations and opportunities are back into play, the same patterns roll back out. Basically I think she's too selfish or more interested in self-preservation to heed your advice, so I have my advice.

I see your moral standpoint, agree with it, but reality isn't as child like as that.

[aceleon]

as a fellow machiavellianist, i am not naive to how much of a shitty slut she is, i'm enforcing the idea we should manipulate her to the idea of honesty to help the poor guy if we even gonna bother with replying to this 304.

[Master_Debator]

@aceleon Pretty smart thinking... I don't think we'd save the bro though. She's... actually most humans, not just her... are going to seek pleasure and avoid pain. I think the only real reason she's asking at all isn't to be convinced to come clean, but more likely to figure out a strategy with a bit of comfirmation bias sprinkled on top.

Plus females and accountability... it's like oil and water. They get caught cheating red handed and they'll resort to saying it's his fault, her friend's fault, anybodies fault except for her own. If she disagrees with me on that, then maybe she should come clean and prove me wrong (bet she won't though lol).

[aceleon]

i was thinking more like we guilt trip her too much that not coming clean is way more hurtful than the breaking up. which isn't manipulation actually because what she do is not better than rape in the slightest so she SHOULD actually feel as guilty as a RAPİST SHOULD.

[Rangers]

What exactly made you check out of life when you said you were happy?

You should go to couples therapy and you do need to tell him the truth, cause sooner or later, he's gonna find out and when he does, there's no question he'll be gone forever if he finds out you hid it from him for years.

And not telling him is a major red flag that you're not telling the truth about your implied lack of desire to do it again.

I don't think you're being honest with yourself, definitely not being honest with him, and your tone is to me, showing absolutely no remorse for doing it.

I hope I'm wrong, I'm wrong a lot, but I'm also right a lot. Either way, whatever made you check out, you tell him that, and tell him what you did. Or you might as well leave him now and spare him the years of wasted time when he finds out later that you've been cheating on him constantly for years which is easy to imagine you doing.

Not telling him you cheated turns into cheating being in your daily planner in a big hurry

[Nikki1989]

People sometimes make destructive choices when they’re overwhelmed, numb, or disconnected from themselves. That doesn’t excuse the behaviour; it does explain the mindset.

[Asker]

I agree 100% thank you for sharing.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

First things first, your husband is NOT amazing or YOU WOULD NOT HAVE made all the small individual decisions to cheat. It wasn't an accident, you didn't slip on a banana and fall on some guys penis.

If you ACTUALLY love your husband, then he DESERVES the respect and truth to make the decision himself to stay or leave. Its that simple.

These things have a nasty way of being dragged into the light. You do not want him overhearing the wrong conversation or running into evidence and him confronting you. Your almost guaranteed a divorce.

You might stand a chance if you tell him, admit to the details and show actual remorse and offer couples therapy.

Now, you need to expect that your marriage will NEVER be the same. He will never look at you again the same. He will spend the next years, even decades second guessing you, the relationship and using a microscope from now on looking for evidence of a repeat affair.

You had no valid reason to cheat, by your own words, so he now has no valid reason to trust you ever again. This is the biggest reason why reconciliation often fails, he may eventually forgive you, but he will never forget and you will find the subject brought up at the slightest trigger he experiences.

[OneViewpoint]

So you're married but you want to tell your boyfriend that you cheated on him. Wait what? So you fucked some third guy / second boyfriend? You should brag to your husband so he knows how easy it is for you to get laid. Make that meal ticket your bitch!

[Anonymous]

Honestly that’s up to you to tell him or not. I say tell him. He should be able to make that decision as to what he wants. It’s only right. Who knows maybe you’d be ok w your husband cheating on you but never telling you. But I think from that point out it’s all built on a lie. There’s a good chance yes that he’s going to want a divorce. Men are territorial. I’m not calling you a piece of territory of that he owns you like a slave, but to him your his. So when another man violates his “territory” it’s tainted. Chances are he will never get over that. It’s always going to be a thought. In his mind. If you don’t answer his text or calls right away his mind is going to wondering that direction. If you two don’t have kids I think it makes it easier to tell him. But I think you need to tell him. Otherwise you’re making him look like a clown. He deserves to know the truth.

[madhatters4]

you MUST tell your boyfriend/husband (which is it? strange you call him your boyfriend and husband)

you can't have a lie like this in your relationship

1. it's not fair to your partner

2. it's more than likely going to come out at some point

as a person who's been cheated on twice, while i hate being cheated i hated even worse the partner not being honest about it up front and instead me having to find out through some other person or means

[MrChinaski]

Cheating seems to be a pretty standard trope.

I can't even imagine being in a 'relationship' where cheating is even a thing. If cheating is part of your 'relationship', if that's something you would even think of as an option, then you have not been in a relationship.

If it makes you feel good, tell him. If I were him then I would walk away.

[Anonymous]

Men are often more concerned with the breach of trust than the specific physical details, although they may still obsess over the latter. Some men who have been betrayed expressed that they would have preferred "ignorant bliss" over the lasting trauma of knowing

[aceleon]

no feelings being involved doesn't mean shit.

you are still the scum of the world.

if he stays with you after this he is a cuckold.

[Jersey2]

Tell your guy you did it. Then move on. You shouldn’t marry a guy you will cheat on.

[888theGreat]

Wait, A husband is not a boyfriend. By the way, a boyfriend is never a husband. Either you are married or you are not.

[LiamS95]

If I were your husband I'd dump you at the closest junk yard.

[In_Trance]

You can tell him but just be prepared to end the relationship

[Anonymous]

Tell him what you did and accept the consequences of your actions.

[WhitneySnow]

You need to think about why you cheated

[aceleon]

it absolutly has no importance why she did it.

[WhitneySnow]

@aceleon sure it does. Why doesn’t it? Her boyfriend is going to ask if she tells him.

[aceleon]

i wouldn't, i would just re code her as a slut in my mind and would go to my own marry way, 1 night of drinking and volla, forgotten the next morning with a clean slate for new relationships.

[Staximus]

So you have a boyfriend and a husband?

[MrChinaski]

And a lover.

[Staximus]

If he's the best husband and you really wanted a life with him, you wouldn't have cheated. The problem here is that you are seeking and creating chaos and drama in your life that you don't need. You checked out and did stupid shit. What's next? Turning into a drug addict? Becoming homeless and dying in an alley? How you feel is not an excuse for self destructive behavior, self sabotage, or to hurt people that love you. I have a feeling you had a very traumatic childhood that you need to come to terms with in order to embrace a stable and peaceful life. Go see a therapist that specializes in helping adults with childhood trauma.

[jahaims]

Go die alone like you deserve

[aceleon]

let me shake your hand bro for being the translator to my feelings. (though i rather have her end it right about NOW)

[Jeff51]

Its probably fake.

[Anonymous]

Then why u cheated