When is it appropriate to divorce?

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have been together for a long time. There's been a lot of extremely volatile moments. I've been chasing peace in my life for a long time, and I've come to the realization that my wife isn't a bad person, nor am I. We're just not very compatible and have never been. I love her and she loves me. The infatuation was intense, and still can be. The sex as always been amazing. Our personalities just collide and work against each other and it seems like no matter how hard we try, we end up hurting each other unintentionally. I refuse to have our son exposed to this kind of environment. I threw that idea of splitting up to my wife and it obviously made her sad. I told her that we share a child, and I'll always make sure they're financially taken care of.

My wife is very attractive, and I told her that women since the dawn of time have done this. They invest heavily into relationships that might be filled with good sex or infatuation for years, realize their values change and marry a man they can build a more stable and consistent life with. I used to look down on this, but I realize these women aren't just bad people. Priorities shift and realization hits them later. I told her that even if we divorce, and you meet somebody I'd be happy for you and still support you and our son whenever and however I can. I wouldn't be resentful. I know she could meet a man who can give her a more stable life.

I told her it gets harder once you hit your 30s, but I don't want her to hate me and feel if she will if we keep doing this. I'm just realizing that no matter how hard I try, I can't make her feel safe and stable. I don't look at her dating again as a competition. I know that whatever comes her way isn't a replacement. It will look different and there's always a place in our heart for each other.

[jennifer_bloom]

Ben Sira says it is okay to divorce if the woman is not willing to go along with your interests and values, examples include, refusing to do chores when you work more hours then her, refusing to keep the house reasonably clean, refusing to set a moral example for the children, refusing to treat you and others with respect, refusing to be honest with you or others, scamming and fraudulent behaviour towards you, constant fighting and quarrelling, emotional abuse, or refusing to consider your needs when you are sick or grieving a negative situation. I say it would be wrong to divorce if your desire for luxury is not met or she gains 20 pounds in the relationship, but okay to divorce if your desire for morality and behavioural respect is not met.

But you have to consider you might regret divorcing if you get sick and nobody is around to help you out, if you child gets sick and no other woman is willing to take care of him in his recovery, or if your replacement wife or girlfriend is worse then the one you left, which has happened to many people I know. Or if the stepfather she remarries ends up abusing your son because there is no blood connection to the child.

It's not as simple as leaving an unhappy relationship, there might be terrible consequences for leaving somebody you are not compatible with. My uncle and aunt divorced in China and his new second wife was so terrible, she pocketed the money his family gave him for cancer treatment and let him die an early death so she could claim his money as an inheritance. Usually your second marriage options will be worse than your first, though there are exceptions.

[Anonymous]

To be honest, you sound very mentally checked out of your marriage. It doesn't sound like you both want to stay in the marriage. Then your kid will grow up in a broken home where he only get to see dad once or twice a month, which is not too far from having no father.

I'm about to be a mother in a few years and if I had a child, my top priority would be the well being of my children and what makes it easier to raise the kids. My sex life and romantic life definitely will not come first.

You both are very selfish people who only care about putting your own needs first.

But here is what you never think about:

no stepdad will ever treat your son as well as his own true biological father. Step dads are not a substitute for real dad. He might even see your kid as an inconvenience and secretly resent having to raise the goddam kid. Nobody wants to raise a child that isn't theirs. It's the greatest form of "Settling".

As for being able to "find someone better out there", what kind of an amazing person would date a single parent? what are your options as a single parent? Top notch people will not go for you. Second or third tiers would go for you.

As for you not being able to support your child, thats the biggest shame on earth. And the fact you don't see this as shameful, shows a lot about you. If I were a parent, I would do absolutely anything in my power to make sure my child has a good future. Not do the bare minimum and hope for the best

[Opinion Owner]

And as for not exposing your son to toxic environment, you cut out all the BS. Try to find ways to lessen the fights. This is all through the work of communication. A peaceful household is possible... you both are just too selfish to make this possible. Of course it would be easier to just break up the home and find someone else.

[Asker]

Oh you’re very arrogant and lack experience. I’ve been with my wife for 10 years and we’ve gone to therapy for years. We’ve both been trying our best for years. One of our therapist suggested we split indirectly because we lack compatibility, There’s no inherent root of selfishness from either end. I’ve abandoned so many areas of my life to try and make this work. You have no idea the attention I give to my son and how present I am. The amount of literature I’ve read on healthy marriages and parenting is unhealthy. At a certain point, with incompatibility, you intentionally hurt other even when you try your best not to. Whether that communication style or value systems. It’s easy to cast stones when you’re not in the other persons shoes. You’re even too cowardly to not even post this anon. I wish you the best of luck in your marriage and hope you don’t have to deal with a shred of what I have. I sincerely mean that.

[Asker]

*unintentionally

[Opinion Owner]

@ammar12343

Firstly, if you both were truly incompatible you wouldn't have been able to stay together for 10 years.

Secondly, you change your life to make things work. You don't insist on keeping your own habits, keeping your lifestyle, keeping everything the same in order to make things work. If you have a bad temper, you work hard to go to anger management. If she is messy, she needs to make an effort to be less messy.

You both compromise. You sacrifice something to make it work. She sacrifices something to make it work. You both need to find middle ground. You cannot sit there and insist on being comfortable, keeping your own habits and then expect things to work.

Plus, if you are hurting your partner unintentionally, COMMUNICATE that to your partner. Don't do it ever again. Ask your partner, "what annoys you?" "what shouldn't I do?" And you try to adapt to that. You don't go on and continue to do things that make you comfortable but annoys the shit outta your spouse.

I chose to be anon because I tell people the uncomfortable ruth that they don't want to hear. And often times, I get harassed and stalked for it. Other people will tell you what you want to hear, but not me.

[Opinion Owner]

@ammar12343

And if you think your wife can find her another man that would gladly support your kid... you clearly are delusional because no quality top notch man will want to support a kid that isn't his. Chances are, she will be a struggling single mother after this divorce. Your son will not have a dad anymore. No, seeing your son two or three times a month does not count as fatherhood. Your son will end up seeing his step dad ( who doesn't give a shit about him) more than you.

And from the sounds of it, you don't really care about being a good dad either.

[Asker]

You sound more broken than I am. People have so much more value than their previous marriage status. It sounds like you spend too much time on the internet and are isolated away from society. A socially rounded person understands how to communicate harsh truths tactfully and that the world doesn’t work in a binary perspective. Especially something as nuance as marriage. You’re unnecessarily hostile and naive. You communicate the truth, and then you go on to fit in an unfitting insult. You really believe after 10 years that we haven’t compromised and attempted to think of a solution like that? Do you really believe after 10 years of trying to fix this, I haven’t told her that? You’re naive. You have no understanding of human dynamics outside of TikTok and reels. Go touch grass. You’re not brutally honest. You lack social awareness. You sound single and socially isolated. If you’re going to try to pull off that personality, you need to have the social wherewithal and experience to back it.

[Opinion Owner]

@ammar12343

because you both don't want to fix your marriage even after 10 years.

it is very characteristic of self serving americans, like you, to be selfish and rather break up the family than work on your problems.

do you realize plenty of other people in other cultures, get put in arranged marriages and are still able to stay married for the rest of their lives peacefully?

I work with jewish families all the time. They marry when they're teenagers, and very rarely divorce. They stay married till the end of their lives.

Meanwhile americans like you date around a million people, get married for 10 years then claim you can't stay married anymore.

Half of all marriages in the US end in divorce. Its because people like you don't have the determination to stay married. Its easier for you to go find someone else rather than to compromise and keep the family together. Thats part of the reason why all your kids are mentally fucked up, growing up in single parent homes.

You're resorting to personal attacks because you know you can't maintain a healthy marriage.

Accuse me of being hostile? you sound much more hostile and mentally unstable than me. You clearly cannot take criticism and resort to hostility, verbal violence whenever it suits you. Maybe this is why you lack problem solving skills. Anger and hostility should never be the first solution to a problem.

[Opinion Owner]

[Do you really believe after 10 years of trying to fix this, I haven’t told her that?]

No, it has nothing to do with "telling" her that.

telling her means nothing.

it has entirely to do with you BOTH working on issues. And chances are, you both hate working on issues because it makes you uncomfortable. Americans don't like sacrifice. They don't take their marriage vows seriously. You both want to have your cake and eat it.

Go out there and find a date that you have a kid, and you're spending most of your income trying to raise your kid, and that you will need to see your ex wife and kid every weekend, and just see how many women will actually want to be with you.

[Asker]

Personal attacks? Look at your messages lol. How can you say that with a straight face. None of us dated a million people. Your advice is surmised by work harder and not be selfish communicated via several attacks toward character. That’s not the issue at hand here. 10 years of working through issues and sacrificing everything we have to make things work. Sometimes you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole. Learning to work with that dilemma would be of worthy advice. Saying you’re selfish doesn’t derive any value here. That’s not the issue.

[Opinion Owner]

@ammar12343

Listen if half of all marriages end in divorce in your culture. You need to do some self evaluation and look within as to why your marriages have such a high fail rate.

why is it that in other cultures, people are capable of a forever marriage, but yet your culture can't?

and I'm sick of seeing parents making excuses about how they have no choice but to strip their child of loving parents. Or being raised by a step dad who doesn't give a crap about the kid.
A lot of mental health issues comes out of this. And its not a joke.

And seeing the terribly hostile way you responded to my criticism, I can totally understand why your marital issues never get resolved. Hostility never solves problems, it only makes problems worse.

truth you won't admit is... you both are very selfish people who lack the determination to making things work. You chose personal comfort over a peaceful household.

And you purely believe there is someone better out there for you. Trust me, no one who is quality or top notched out there will want to date a single parent, much less raise a kid who isn't even theirs.

[Asker]

Interesting. You send a barrage of blantant insults to my character. I respond by saying you’re misguided and naive, and you point the finger and say I’m aggressive. I think you have more issues than I do. I’m telling you with my situation and my day to day and life experience, that effort or selfishness isn’t the issue. It’s just not. Instead of taking that, you rather tell me you know more about my own life than I do and say I’m coming up with excuses. It’s really strange. You’re the ultimate rage baiter. Practical advice might be something along the lines of tips and tricks working about different communication styles, different hobbies, personality types, ask where you clash. There’s no value in which I can derive from what you’re saying because it’s not applicable to my situation.

[Opinion Owner]

@ammar12343

I've heard the lamest excuses for divorce.

One guy said he divorced his wife cuz she wasn't having sex with him enough.
Another one divorced his wife because she had a chronic disease. She wasn't dying but just was sick.
Another dude divorced his wife because she had post partum depression and refused to take depression meds due to bad side effects

any other lame reasons to break up homes and strip your children of loving parents?

sounds like people in your culture just stay when times are good then ditch when times are bad.

[Opinion Owner]

whatever your reason is for divorce... its not ok to continue encouraging couples to strip kids of loving parents.

I knew of another guy who divorced his wife because she was paying more attention to the baby than to him after she gave birth.

Taking a look at all these dumb excuses, its just sad... people have no conscience of what they are doing to their own kids.

[Asker]

None of that applies to me or where we are. I came out of the military with mental health issues. My wife stood by me through it, but it took a toll on her — one she still carries. I have ADHD. I’ve managed it well enough to earn multiple degrees and build a strong career, but I still struggle with basic things like staying present in conversation. My wife is kind and loyal, but she’s highly neurotic. Every time I slip up and forget something, it collides with her self-esteem because of things in her own past. I’m wired to push — long hours, constant motion, always chasing the next thing. She’s already where she wants to be and just wants to settle in and be comfortable. She wants to stay put. I love training and being outdoors. She doesn’t. She’s creative. I’m analytical. She can’t find drive. I can’t shut mine off, and it throws my life out of balance constantly. I communicate directly. She communicates indirectly. I could keep going. We share the same values, but we clash just by existing in the same space. These might sound like small things, but when you realize that simply being yourself — even at your best — is hurting your partner, it puts you in a difficult place. I’ve been in therapy trying to sand down the parts of me that cause her pain. The reality is you can polish the edges, but you can’t become someone else. I’ve sacrificed nearly all of my time, friendships, and mental health over the past ten years, and so has she. We both want this to work. We’re both running on empty. She’s lost herself and so have I. Nothing is gaining traction. Most people would’ve walked away years ago. I cut off friends who told me to leave her. Telling us we haven’t put in the effort or made sacrifices is the wrong read. The options I’m weighing now are either we emotionally detach from each other entirely, coexist as partners in raising our son like a business arrangement, or we separate.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

[Asker]

And the question at hand is what is better for my son? Literature says both are harmful.

[Asker]

All I want is for my wife and son to be happy and stable and the most painful realization is that my wife might at peace and happy with somebody else than myself. And this part might sound crazy, but I rather have my wife be happy with somebody else than for me to selfishly keep her and have her unstable as a result. It’s a shitty feeling

[Opinion Owner]

why can't you just have your own set of hobbies while your wife has her own set of hobbies?
You can both go out and do your own thing. You can constantly chase the next thing... she can stay put and chose what she wants to do.

There is a reason why you married her right? she must be fun or entertaining to be around... which was why you chose her.

As for her communicating indirectly... TEACH her to communicate directly. Its learnable. The fact that its been 10 years and she still hadn't been able to learn it... shows either she's not trying or your couples therapy was a waste of money.

[My wife is kind and loyal, but she’s highly neurotic. Every time I slip up and forget something, it collides with her self-esteem because of things in her own past.]

well it sounds like she has some mental issues of her own to work on.

And you also sound like you have mental issues of your own to work on coming out of the military. But in all honesty, if you have mental problems, anyone will have a hard time being married to you. Don't think that you can find someone else who can tolerate you better...

how do you hurt her by being yourself? you haven't elaborated on this.

[Opinion Owner]

Well literature also shows that kids tend to do a lot worse growing up in single parent homes. No one will love and care for your child the same way you do... If she remarries... don't think your child will be better off. Most step dads don't care about their step kids. Even if they know how to play with the kids, they see them more as "pets" than as children.

I would never ever endorse someone else to raise your own kid. Unless you truly do not care about your child.

[Zack-Bann]

I have a feeling you will regret leaving more than staying


Good matches are hard to come by


“Clashing personalities” is a very common marriage thing


Most solid couples eventually grow into eacho other


If she’s not cheating pr physically harming you
And you’re still attracted to her
It’s not time to pull the chord yet


Maybe take a solo trip on a weekend
Clear your head
Miss her
Let her miss you


Things like that


And if you wanna end the marriage no one’s stopping you but picture her in the arms of another man for one second and ask yourself if you can live with that
Because it’s coming sooner than you think


Women, especially the hot ones, bounce back very quickly

[Finchie40]

You can divorce anytime you want , , there isn’t really an appropriate time , all that matters is you don’t waste your time if you are no longer in love with your wife and you are ok with her being out of
Your life then start making you moves , . Have a sit down talk with her and tell her it’s over between us and whatever your plans are from there , whether you are giving her the home or not. If you are clearly sure this is what you want , then you just got
To do it as soon as possible , so you both can make your plans

[HollyK21]

I would really consider couples therapy if you feel like this is a relationship you’d wanna fight for. Regardless of if you take that route or not though, I think you two would be better off apart, at least for now. When it was just you and her, you could (technically) go through all the ups, downs and dramas you wanted. But now that you’ve got a kid together, you just can’t afford going through all the issues you two have faced, and have him witness that.


Even if you’ve tried keeping him out of it, the problems will inevitably seep through, even if it’s just affecting your mood. I know there’s a big stigma around wanting your kid to grow up in a two person household, especially if you still love your wife. However, your kid is happy when you’re happy, and I think you’d have more peace of mind being out of toxicity.

[DishLady]

“Since the dawn of time”?
“…aren’t just bad people”?


To clue you in, women “since the dawn of time” were pressured to marry whomever their father chose for them, with very little choice and no thought of sex. So please for the love on all good things on this still-green earth stop twisting the truth.


YOU want out of a marriage that is somehow suffocating you. GO DO IT. Don’t climb up on some high horse and try to justify it, claiming fake historical reasoning.


If you’re driving each other nuts (in the bad way) then do it. Life sentence with kids watching you claw at each other daily just teaches them to do the same thing to other people. Your top moral obligation is your kid.


That’s it. Don’t try to claim she will find someone else. You can’t claim that for anyone, and VERY FEW guys want to be saddled with some other guy’s kid, so she MAY stay single forever.


Jackanape… 😒

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I understand my latest “break up” was because of that personality crash, I think we have both found someone more compatible.

My ex and I have had exact same conversation as that of you and your wife… We came to conclusion that we loved each other but couldn’t be together due to hurting each other constantly by our differences and not wanting the same things…

We are both dating someone new now. Better do it now that she’s young and attractive and still with a lot of options… I am glad I didn’t waste any more of my time with my ex… It was a waste of time because it was going nowhere.

[AviatorTom]

My general answer... There is no hard and fast rule for when to divorce. When both members of the marriage feel they would be better off living alone, it may be time to consider divorce. Young children can complicate that.

My specific opinion... Looks like you want your freedom and she doesn't. You are not going to be able to convince her that divorce is a god idea. Perhaps you two should have a session with a marriage counselor, who can help guide both of you to divorce, or not.

[AviatorTom]

There's an old wives' tale... If you can take off your wedding ring and not notice it's missing two days later, it's time for a divorce.

[7Phoenix7]

I think it’s appropriate to divorce when staying together is doing more bad than good… especially emotionally.

Love by itself isn’t always enough if the dynamic is constantly volatile as you said…or draining. And kids don’t just need two parents… they need a stable environment.

What you said about not being bad people, just incompatible… that’s so real. Sometimes two people can care about each other and still bring out the worst in each other. It’s life..

If you’ve both genuinely tried and keep ending up in the same cycle, choosing peace isn’t selfish… it’s responsible.

[Sunshinelips]

You’re thinking of your son. This is all about him. Children come first because they’re a part of you, your wife technically isn’t. If you’ve brought up divorce, been to therapy and really tried with the marriage to no avail then you need to file for divorce and take it from there. Divorce doesn’t mean failure. You are putting you and your son first. If there are arguments then your son will remember them and possibly be an argumentative person when he’s an adult. Life’s too short for being stuck or miserable. Change your life for your son’s benefit. Good luck.

[Dargil]

You should have a serious discussion without drama with her about it and tell her you have a decision to make that you do not want to make. Stake out your absolute conditions and listen to her. In the mean time, prepare for her filing a divorce from you. But first, locate https://cordellcordell.com/ and have a consultation with them on what to do before you confront her. Women are wired different from men and she will not hesitate to cut your guts out. Protect yourself financially and your career as best you can. Trust me. Love can become hate overnight.

[Asker]

Nah she’s not like that at all. I’ve known her and her family for so long

[Dargil]

That's what they all say.

[RavVid]

Women have a dichotomy in that they want excitement and stability plus they expect a man to make them happy. But happy is a temporary feeling. A diamond necklace might delight for a while but will become just one of the trinkets in time.

Plus any women are inherently unhappy internally and it is not feasible another person can fix another's internals.

In addition a woman's value is in her beauty which fades very fast. At a point that becomes a crises.

This does apply to men also but not to the same degree. Men tend to be builders and to take satisfaction with the state along the way in a way that women don't.

You seem to be saying you are the exciting guy not the stable guy but it probably doesn't matter. If women have a stable man they will want an exciting man and vice versa. This generates the conflict.

[William7489]

When your partner is no longer living up to your wedding vows. Second, they show no sign or willingness of living up to them in the future. This could be referring to abusive behavior, financial mismanagement, infidelity, drug alcohol, or gambling, addictions, etc. I say this is somebody who has had to make the decision to pull the trigger on a divorce. One day you realize that you’re the only one trying. And that’s the day you realize that it’s over. And it’s sad, but you have to do it.

[aaron13547]

Id say when you have the awareness you do its appropriate. Like, wow bro; you made this challenge and heartbreak into an opportunity for your son who is what really matters...

I would bet on you my friend, and I dont lose. 🙂

You got this more then you know!

[Anonymous]

Times have changed a lot
Women sacrifices a lot of there time, love and emotion on men and children.
They also do a lot of unpaid emotional labour and that is a reason for the fights.
The roles have changed.
They do want family, but not the emotional labour or any actual labour as well.
Me, and many of my friends find ourselves desperate and sad due to being alone and lack of love.
Before or the past generations had a different life style every family was earning and no extra external issues in theory.
They learnt to survive with the conditions.

Now women are strong enough to live alone, be kind, and strong.
And men have become emotionally weaker, emotional numbness what not
So getting married in this generation is not a great idea unless you both have a very very stable income, no emotional sadness so that they have there own mental peace.
Career is a big part of everyone.

[MrChinaski]

I think you should do what you consider to be in the best interest of the child. A large part of that consideration is whether you and your wife are capable of achieving a healthy environment for their development if you stay together. I found your question slightly difficult to follow but I think you were saying that the answer is 'no' ... in which case, divorce.

[thegreenyogi]

I think we only have one life and all I see are people making decisions for the done thing rather than the wanted thing. It makes no sense to me to stay in a relationship with someone whether it's love, friendship or otherwise that doesn't make you feel good and when that time comes it's time to let go and take a decision that abides by being true to yourself. So well done for stepping outside of the box and taking a stand that is for the betterment of all.

[Anonymous]

"because I could not stand that bitch any longer" or "because I saw a hotter, more ideal match" ⏰⌚ time is fickle thing - some people rush rather than realising 💍 I could've waited for someone superior 😉

[Nikki1989]

When the relationship consistently damages your well‑being.

[LC75LC71]

Gotcha, you want to go chase tail! At least you offered an out instead of going behind her back.

[Asker]

Not at all. I want peace and to be left alone. I don’t have the energy or desire what so ever to chase any woman for a long time.

[LC75LC71]

Then why not just stay with your woman and child? It can't be about you anymore.

[Asker]

Been doing this for a decade. I want peace in my life. Everyday there’s tension and every week there’s an argument. No matter how hard I work on the marriage, it’s never enough. Hell, we did years of therapy and the therapist ended our sessions and indirectly suggested we should split. I can’t breathe. I can’t go after the goals I want to because of how energy intensive this marriage is. It’s hard to function.

[Asker]

Now with our son he’s being exposed to this. It feels selfish to stay when I know it will damage him.

[Asker]

When I say goals I mean basic things such as have a better social life. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat right. I can’t focus at work the way I need. This relationship sucks the life out of me.

[LC75LC71]

Alright what goals and how old is the boy now?

[whosnumber_1]

Have you tried therapy or couples counseling? You guys can learn a lot about yourselves and open some doors on your behaviors.

[exitseven]

Sometimes you just reach the end of the trail. Some marriages have an expiration date.

[Paige2006]

If either one of you are abusing the other emotionally and/or physically

[Ariesman81]

Infidelity, unfaithfulness, abandonment or sexual immorality.

[Asker]

Pick your poison eh

[Mike_Hum]

Your vows stated "until death do you part"

[Asker]

Yeah well what happens if the constant fighting ruins the emotional stability of your children?

[Mike_Hum]

Then you figure out a way to work things out like adults.

[Asker]

Thanks boomer.

[Mike_Hum]

Are you retarded?

[Asker]

Yeah

[Mike_Hum]

it was a rhetorical question.

[LiamJHayden]

Cheating and abuse even if you are religious. If not, then any reason is justifable.

[Anonymous]

After you get married... in fact, statistically, marriage is one of the leading causes of divorce

[Anonymous]

After multiple-cheating, or because of violent/drunk behavior of the spouse.

[robocop666]

When someones mental problems become too much for you to bear

[Miristheiss]

Adultery.

Physical beatings.

[MikeTheBartender]

When's the last time you had sex?

[dudeinohio]

Cheating or domestic violence

[Iron_Man]

When you’re being cheated on

[Qiero]

Divorce her bro

[Jeff51]

You can seek therapy

[Sophia1998]

Cheating, any form of abuse.

[AcidMan]

Day of the return from honey moon

[Sakinbirpanda]

When you disagree