Am I wrong for ending my long-distance relationship over no clear future plan?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in a LDR for almost 2 years with an online friend I’ve known for over a decade. We take turns visiting each other every month. About a year ago, we had a plan to relocate in between together. Long story short, he wasn’t financially ready for months and wasn’t transparent about it. This caused a huge ripple in our relationship. I forgave him and moved out of my parent’s house and got an apartment with my best friend since I knew things weren’t moving yet. We signed the lease 5 months ago. He recently got another job in his hometown bc he wanted benefits and it pays a few dollars more. Since last year, I’ve been asking him for another timeline but I always get shut down. He said he doesn’t know when with a ‘that’s just too bad’ attitude. It’s resulted in arguments almost every time we bring up this next step. This has made me significantly insecure in our relationship and wonder if he’s as serious as I am. A couple months ago, my roommate brought up the idea that she might move in with her boyfriend next year. I bring this up to my boyfriend and suggest him moving in with me by then. (By next year, we would be nearly 3 years into the relationship). He is still unwilling to give me a plan for next year. Not even a yes. This made me come to terms with not wanting the same thing. I had a heart to heart with him with the undertone that this wasn’t working out. Suddenly, he wants to plan for next year bc ‘it just came to him.’ I think that’s bs. Just the day before he shut me down about any planning or idea for next year. I broke up with him and I’m really hurting. He’s pissed. He’s asking me to wait until next year bc he’ll move in with me and IF he doesn’t he’ll leave me alone forever. I don’t know what to do.

Updates

5 h

We are in our mid 20s*

[HollyK21]

Ultimately, I think you made the right choice. His sudden change of heart didn't strike me as a genuine, sincere choice and instead came off as somewhat of a conditional, even manipulative, panic offer. Correct me if I’m wrong but it sounds like he shut you down with a "that's just too bad" sort of attitude for like an entire year. He only offered a plan when you explicitly checked out. I feel like he’s following a typical but toxic relationship pattern: he didn't wanna do the work when you were hurting, but he is willing to promise anything now to avoid the discomfort of a breakup.

His promise to move in next year feels pretty manipulative, and that caveat of “if I don’t, I’ll leave you alone forever" is, in my opinion, designed to force you into a corner. It forces you to waste another entire year on an "if”. It’s like you’d be gambling your life on someone who has a proven track record of financial hiding and even stonewalling.

LDR’s requires extreme transparency to survive. The fact that he hid his financial unreadiness for months during your first plan to relocate shows a fundamental lack of honesty & respect for the timeline you want or are at least trying to create.

To me, it sounds like you’re a woman who’s proactive when it comes to planning, security, and growth in a relationship. He prefers stagnation and gets defensive or pissed when held accountable. Even if he did physically move next year, the emotional resentment and communication deficits would be an ongoing issue.

All this to say, trust your gut and leave this guy alone. In my opinion, he’s just a future faker, promising a silver lining down the road to fix a crisis in current time. By leaving you aren’t ruining a relationship, but choosing to stop accepting a situation that made you feel deeply insecure. You deserve more and can do better.

[Asker]

This is 100% spot on. Even on the things I didn’t directly mention. Points like defensiveness, resentment, etc. no relationship is perfect, but everything else about us is good. But this one issue overshadows everything and it sucks. The feeling of rejection and repetitiveness caused me to check out. Doesn’t make it any less painful. He’s definitely committed to me in every other way. I feel it and everybody else around me does. I think he has to mature.

[HollyK21]

I get where you’re coming from for sure, and why it hurts so much. It’s totally possible for someone to be a loving, committed partner in day to day ways, but still be completely unready and/or unable to give you the future you need. That’s what makes breakups like this the hardest — when the love is there, but the alignment isn't.

I think you can love him & recognize his good qualities, while still accepting that this one issue is a dealbreaker. Have you heard of the 90/10 rule? It basically means that a relationship can be 90% great, but if that remaining 10% is a fundamental breakdown in transparency, planning for the future, and emotional safety, it will eventually erode the rest. I feel like you shouldn't have to wait for him to mature at the expense of your own life and security.

It makes total sense that you checked out, feeling rejected and dismissed for so long. But please give yourself some grace right now. It's okay to mourn the relationship and mourn the version of him you loved, even if you know walking away was the right choice for your future.

[Masie]

There isn't a reason to think or say that you were wrong. You did it based on something that happened and felt like it changed the relationship. There is nothing wrong about that and probably what I would have done too.

If he cannot give you an answer and commit, signing a lease with a person is not a good idea. What would stop him from changing his mind in the next year or even worse after you signed the lease? I think it is best to cut your losses.

[Ariesman81Nshiiit]

Is the job in his hometown better than the one he was going to get near the new apartment?

[Asker]

I can assume not. He lives in a small town of like a few thousand and people. He has to drive almost an hour to work and it’s all rural and farmland. We were looking at cities to live in. I live in a big city with a lot of opportunities and better pay. Any job can be far less of a commute as well. He said he got this job out there for the better pay and for us. But I think it’s mostly for himself and the benefits. To get a career started over there.

[Asker]

Also bc he decided himself that he wants wants us to get a house when we break the distance before ever even living together.

[Ariesman81Nshiiit]

Well, trust his judgement or don't. But making assumptions doesn't help either of you.
Personally, living in small town and commuting has been more cost effective. Small town affordability with big city wages.

[Abbycado]

No, LDRs never work anyhow.