Moving to my ex's city?! Please help!

[Anonymous]

I'm starting college interstate next year. There is no equivalent qualification in my state. I don't know anyone there -except for my ex! We broke up mutually and amicably 6 months ago because it was an LDR, although we were both very hurt.

I have to go there next week for the selection interview (although the professor said I'm definitely in) and I really would like to see my ex. I do still care about him enough to get back together but don't know if he feels the same. we have emailed each other very occasionally over the last few months just sharing funny YouTube videos and stuff.

Trying to decide how to tell him about this. On the one hand, I'm worried that emailing him this news will scare him and he may refuse to see me...wondering if it would be worth his stress. But I think just to show up on his doorstep could be inconsiderate...I don't even know if he has a gf! I suspect that he doesn't as he is a bit afraid of people as he has anxiety problems.

What should I do? I know that he cares for me, but I'm worried that if I email him before I see him that he may worry that it's a bad idea, where if I just show up, maybe through my friendly and warm attitude towards him, I can prove on the spot that I mean no pressure on him. He's a stress head.

Updates

+1 y

We have decided to get back together (taking it slowly and easily, both exhausted and traumatised after feeling sad for so long!). He wants me to move to his town. Thanks everyone! :D

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you planned this. Like you want to go there so you can see him rather then what your really going there for. That would probably be weird to him and may seem that way. Honestly. Tell him your moving down there, what your moving down there for, and if he wants or doesn't want to go get some coffee with you, after your interview or whatever. Tell him you just wanted to let him know before the two of you ran into each other because you didn't want him to think of it as unusual or awkward. And since you have been talking and such, you felt as though he wouldn't mind you letting him know. And don't just show up on his door step. That makes you look like a weirdo. Seriously, get it together.

[Asker]

Yes, you're right that I don't have it together. I'm trying though. Very hard not to lose all logic with what is transpiring. Only a complete f*ckhead would move interstate and do a masters degree to be near some guy. To get where I want with my career, this is the only option. I didn't plan it this way. I don't think telling him that I thought I should tell him in case we ran into each other to avoid awkwardness. That makes it sound as though I think that things ought to be 'weird' between us.

[Opinion Owner]

Well if you seen your ex at your (dorm, apartment, whatever) would that not be weird to you? If I was in his position and I seen you, "I'd be like wtf are you doing here." And that it was weird of you at first because I wouldn't know your reason for being there. I honestly don't care what you tell him. Word it however you like. But you should tell him or a lot negative thoughts could be going through his mind about you when you surprise see him again when your supposed to be wherever.

[Opinion Owner]

But I don't know your relationship with him. All I know is he's your ex and you've talked. He could be exited. Who knows. But why didn't you tell him before hand that you might be going to the same school? If you've been talking "over the last few months". You had to of known before what school you were going to be attending so why not tell him? That's what seems weird to me.

[Asker]

Thanks. I didn't think it was his concern that I might be moving there until I actually go there to enrol. What is the reason for telling him sooner? He doesn't go to school. He's a hermit. He has panic disorder. That's why I'm struggling to find the right approach. I think sometimes that we have to do what is 'weird', or we lose opportunities and life gets dull. :)

[Opinion Owner]

Well you know him best. So you do what you think will be best. Maybe you shouldn't even go see him if he's panicky about everything. New place, meet someone better.

[Asker]

I don't mind his panicking. Maybe not many people can be with someone like that. He doesn't deserve to always be alone. Nobody's perfect! He's wonderful and unique as well. Thank you for all of your advice.

[Opinion Owner]

Good point. That's sweet. Well good luck! Hopefully he won't freak out when seeing you. Good luck with school and everything. Hope it all works out.

[Hazel63]

If you feel you should tell him you are moving there go for it. But you don't have to see.him. That's really his decision. Don't suggest it. If you try to force yourself to see him that's pushing yourself into his space and he may not like it at all. These kind of things you HAVE to let the guy make the move, otherwise you can hurt what friendship you do have with him. No matter how strongly you feel for him an ex is an ex for a reason, andif he wants you back, he will tell you. Especially since you are going to be in the same city now.

[Asker]

Thanks Hazel, but I'm wondering if that's a good idea for the reasons I stated to Austin man...wouldn't he think "yeah so, why are you telling me about this unless you want to catch up?" I personally hate it when it feels like someone is dropping a big hint wanting the correct reply in return. When we broke up, he did say something along the lines of 'feeling like his answers to me were always the wrong ones'. (He didn't seem to get that my problem was with HOW he said it, lol!)

[AustinMan]

Sweetheart, just email him that you're expecting to be accepted for the grad program and are meeting with the selection committee and when. You wanted him to know. When you're accepted, let him know that, too. As Hazel63 said, you HAVE to let him make the move. Just subtlety make it a as easy for him as possible. Good luck!

[Asker]

We haven't spoken in a while...wouldn't merely telling him I'm going there seem like a big hint to catch up? He might find that a bit manipulative. I thought being more direct would be more comfortable for him because why would I tell him if I had no wish to see him? Wouldn't make him wonder "so why are you telling me this?!" I'd hate it if someone said that to me, I'd wonder what I'm supposed to say to it! But you're a guy, you know better than I would! I don't know wtf is cooking, lol!

[Asker]

I was thinking...my position is I will be staying there with my best friend's mom until I can find somewhere permanent, the dorms are too expensive and I have a puppy. I'm too old for a dorm room anyways. He's 27, I'm nearly 31. I guess there's nothing wrong with emailing to tell him my position, and if he knows anywhere I can live? That he can ask his friends if anyone is looking for someone to share? It is true that I don't know wtf I'll be doing!

[AustinMan]

Your injecting way too much drama and mind game into this. You want to catch up but you want to let him make the move. So you update him. If you ask me, throwing in finding a place to live is more manipulative than a straight up note that you'll be in town. If he responds, then ask about living arrangements. Just my $0.02.

[Asker]

ok

[AustinMan]

Please let me know how what happens. If you want to get out of public, just friend me on here. Make sure you give a little context so I'll know who you are.

[Asker]

I will. All of your comments have really helped put it in perspective. It's hard to see what a raving lunatic you can appear to be until you have written it all down yourself. Sometimes I think that some people who write on here are a bit nuts, but I guess it's a temporary state where love is involved! It's a tough thing to get your head around.

[AustinMan]

Love is the primary cause of temporary insanity. You'll be fine. Just let him make the move. I'm confident he will.

[Asker]

Haha, no one will believe what happened! I sent short email letting him know I'm in town like you said...no reply! I thought "screw this, I'm sick of the headf__k" so I showed up at his house. I was terrified on arrival but when he opened the door he was so happy to see me. We shared a small carton of beer and talked and laughed. He asked if I would live near him. We hugged a lot and I could tell no love was lost between us. Said he was very glad I came. It felt wonderful.

[AustinMan]

Here's wishing the two of you the best. If I can help by "listening" or with advice, just message me here. Happy Holidays to you both! Larry

[martyfellow]

I'd just show up and stress him, see if he can halde it. If he can't well, you need to forget him.

[martyfellow]

*handle