Boyfriend cheat on me and now he's mad at me?

[Anonymous]

so a month ago, my boyfriend drunk cheated on me. I gave him another chance after a looong conversation. We were really happy the month afterward, it was better than ever. Then I got this emotional breakdown, about everything he had done a month ago. I felt really insecure, angry and all that stuff and had a big fight with him for a week. When I cooled down I told him that I was sorry and I shouldn't blame him for feeling miserable, because I didn't move on and thought about it all the time. He said it was OK , then the next day he tells me has lost part of his feelings for me because of how I acted the past week. What's up with that? Couldn't he be a little more understanding towards me? After all he made me into this mess by cheating!

[ll811]

I don't think you should ask him questions about what happened that night. You can't change what he did, neither is his cheating in your control (you could've been an amazing girlfriend but if his instinct was to cheat he will regardless of how awesome you are). The fact that you decided to take him back signals that you have come to terms with what happened and you are willing to forgive. If what he did bothers you, you need to ask yourself the following questions:

1. Has he changed? Does he still do/say things that make you question his loyalty?

2. What made you think about his cheating after you went back to him?

3. Will you ever be able to trust him again?

Once you decide whether or not you can trust him, or make a final decision about how you feel about him, you shouldn't contact him. If you have emotional outburst in front of him, it gives him reason to label you as crazy and irrational. Guys are really quick to blame women for their emotions, that's why you need a close group of girlfriends to talk about how you feel. Until you have a solid vision about your future with him, you shouldn't bring it up. BTW, it is understandable that you feel the way you feel- he did hurt you. If you need space from him, be direct and tell him that until you fully recover. Cheating is a big deal and no one deserves to be cheated on.

[Asker]

thanks for the input, it's good to see things from the other side. Yeah I really tried not to bring it up, but I guess I didn't move on after all so it was like a sleeping vulcano. But I don't regret it though, now I did move on.

[ll811]

It's okay. We all make mistakes. It's a part of learning. I want to stress that you did nothing wrong with brining it up if that is how you feel. But now you know that by bringing it up you are not going to ever get the "right" answer from him. You just need to focus on yourself and not him.

[sharktank]

Just want to say... when guys cheat drunk/etc, it usually doesn't mean sh*t. we don't emotionally attach to a one-night stand/random sex, your still the one. he did make a mistake but you forgave him for it.

he very likely doesn't give a rats ass about whoever it was. AND probably barely remembers it.

[Asker]

then why do they hurt you because of nothing, why did they do it then? That's something I just don't get. But thanks for making me feel better though :)

[sharktank]

drunkness. the hurt is not intentional.

[TimB -1-2-3]

What EXACTLY did you say?

[Asker]

when?

[TimB -1-2-3]

When you broke down.. Duhh XD

If he started to doubt his feelings immediately after that.. What did you say?

[Asker]

If you mean the week we had a fight, I told him mostly about how I just couldn't believe you can love someone and cheat on her, even when drunk. And how damaged and insecure I still feel. Actually everything that had been on my mind ever since. He just stood there silently, not trying to change my mind which hurt me even more. That was one day, the other days we just didn't talk.

[TimB -1-2-3]

Well.. To be fair.. You didn't try to be understanding of him either.. XD

So basically, for an entire week you just ranted at him and gave him the silent treatment? And never once tried to actually talk to him about it?

[Asker]

Well no that's not how it went, I first asked him some questions about that night, because he never really told me exactly what happened, and when he did he was telling me a complete different version of the story, which made me angry because he had lied again (by the way this was all online, he doesn't really talking about it face to face) then we had the argument face to face. I almost started crying when he just stood there with no emotions, and then he walked away. He ignored me afterwards

[Asker]

And he told me the reason why he said he was losing feelings, because my mood changes quickly and he doesn't like it when I'm pissed off. He said somebody else would've given up on me a long time ago. Isn't that a bit unthankful after giving him a second change after cheating on me? I mean if he only knew how much it hurts, he would be moody as well.