Why can't the guys say that it's simply over?

Question

Every guy I have ever dated has never said they wanted to break up or end the relationship. Each has tried to be mean or ignore me instead of just telling me. I'd really rather the guy just say, "I'm not into you," "I don't have feelings for you" or something. I think I'd probably thank the guy if he told me this! It's ok that it's not working for you. It happens that way sometimes. By making a girl wonder, worry, and not giving her closure you just make her feel foolish and thereby a little angry. I wouldn't feel anger if the person just told me straight up what they want or don't want. Please answer, why do guys avoid telling a girl when they want to end the relationship?

I'm a pretty calm person and rarely get into arguments with people, so it can't be that they think I will "make a scene" or yell at them. I've never even yelled at a boyfriend!

Kickrockslosers · Accepted Answer

They would rather make you angry, then take responsibility for hurting your feelings. It's easier, think about it, guys are accustomed to women being angry with them for doing stupid things, but cry a couple of tears and they feel extreme guilt. Who wants to feel guilty when they can say 'my ex was crazy and screaming at me and I just got tired of it'? Think about that compared to I was a complete ass and walked all over this girls feelings and hurt a cool girl. If you are a hottie, then he will look so stupid in front of his friends for letting a hottie go. It's more about the male ego than it is about you.

Ha ha ha, women do the same thing when we say 'it's not you, it's me' or 'I'm just getting over my ex'; when we really just don't want to be bothered, after getting to know a guy for a while.

As for closure, we just have to make our own closure. When it really comes down to it, most of the time when people break-up after being in a short relationship or a non-existant relationship (you are serious about the other person and the other person is dating others& didn't mention it) you just really didn't matter all that much. So the idea that you would have closure from someone who doesn't care about you is ridiculous.

This is straight, no chaser but we should all take the time to assess what the other person really thinks about us; if he's not into you, you may not recognize it as quickly as the guy who is totally into you.

NOT REALLY INTO YOU.

1. He returns your calls, but doesn't initiate it on his own.

2, He sends you picture messages of his body parts (booty call material).

3. He's not taking you out on Friday or Saturday nights. Instead you hang out at your place or his place.

4. Big concert or game: You just don't hear from him at all or he went and didn't invite you. He never really says who he went out with (just some friends)

5. Calls you at the last minute (his date cancelled or he was bored)

6. You have a lot of phone, text, email, myspace, facebook time.

HE'S REALLY INTO YOU.

1. He calls you before you call him and has things to talk about.

2. He doesn't want to hang out and pop Jiffy-Pop-Popcorn at home but wants to take you out.

3. Takes you out on Friday and Saturday nights

4. Is concerned about your future, career goals, education, family values etc. AND he talks about his also.

Far too many other things to name. Don't anticipate closure from a guy if he is selfish, self centered or has a centristic view of the relationship. Hope this answers your question: I have a lot of guy friends and they share their thoughts on women and why they treat them a certain way. What it really comes down to is; No one can treat you badly if you don't allow it. Don't become open minded and give a guy a 2nd opportunity to treat you badly if he's done it before. If he's a jerk when you're on the phone, he'll be a jerk when he avoids honesty and you need closure the most. KRL

TaurusFemmeFatale · Accepted Answer

I think it varies in most cases. Not all men avoid telling the women they're not interested because they're lazy @ssholes!  I knew this woman who pursued this guy who was way out of her leaugue, (physically). He was very handsome and extremely high maintenance. The woman on the other hand, did nothing to improve her physical appearance (went to the dogs, to be precise). I knew that eventually, he would no longer be attracted to her. We all tried to encourage her to take some time on her appearance, but of course she rebelled against it. Men hate to confront women about their physical appearance (weight, style of dress, etc.) Men avoid it all all costs!  What he did of course, was throw subtle hints. Which she was also oblivious too. How did he eventually end things with her?...he did not return her phone calls, and when confronted, did not give her a reason. But we all KNEW what the reason was! Because although she was a VERY nice person (which was a quality he saw in her), he did not want to break her heart by telling her he was no longer attracted to her.

blygreene · Accepted Answer

I do concur with answers below, however, I can't help but ask if you yourself have taken matters into your own hands and asked them 'Do you want to end the relationship" instead of wondering...why they don't tell you up straight.  Clearly this doesn't answer the question but surely if you took matters into your own hands and asked them this question instead of pondering about it for a length of time you might get a reaction?  Vote B implies they think you can't handle the straight up answer because your too nice and Vote A...just out of curiosity, is it in your nature to please the guy?

Atomizer · Accepted Answer

Depending on the person or situation, it can be A, B, C and/or D.

When I was younger (under 25ish), I'd usually fade away without comment, or try to get her to break up with me, or ask for time and space and hope she'd fade away. I was afraid of being direct, afraid of confrontation or hurting her.

But I learned that it's better for everyone to be direct. It takes courage, but it's better in the short and long run."This isn't working out. I'm sorry, but it's over." There's no question about intention, future, etc. So if it's B or C, the dumper is a coward and tries to avoid confrontation or conflict.

But if it's not a simple breakup, people don't want to be direct partly because they know their motives will sound so callous and harsh. In a situation like A, people say things like "I need a little time and space to clear my head." You can deal with that, it sounds reasonable. But that don't say what they really mean. "Listen. I like you. But I met a girl at a company picnic and she reminds me of my high school girlfriend. I want to try it with this new girl, partly for nostalgia and partly to work out all that old, unresolved sexual frustration. If it doesn't work out long-term between me and her, can I call you again?" You'd say no, and hell no to that. So people get evasive to protect their interests.

By the way, I've _never_ had a girl tell me it's over. They always need time, they need a little breathing room, they're confused and don't know what they want. I used to be naive enough to take them at their word, only to be crushed 3 months later when I learned about the other guy. Now I know when a girl says anything about needing time, etc., that it's over and she doesn't have the backbone to be direct with me.

good-looking-geek · Accepted Answer

This may not apply to you but it applies in general. I have seen cases of men who know their marriage is falling apart, but they don't ask for a divorce. The man waits for the woman to finally ask for the divorce. Some reasons for the man to wait is because he is lazy. He doesn't want to clean or cook anything, so he will live in his miserable marriage for a while longer just so that he does not have to get off his ass. And if they have kids his wife still drives them to school and picks them up, and he doesn't want to start to do that.

Another guy I know had 3 girls at once; although he never referred to any of them as his girlfriend. They all eventually got smart and dumped him, but the girls had to do the dumping. He was just keeping them around for as long as they would put up with his bullshit and lying.

But I hear this answer a lot: A guy will keep a girl around even if he doesn't like her until he finds one "better." They are such assholes; I know.

Anyway only the most immature guys will not have the balls and integrity to be open and honest.

PsychMike · Answer

Honestly it could be any of these answers. If a guy is having doubts, he might start being really distant while he decides whether he wants to break up with you or not. Or a guy might know he isn't that into you and has found someone else so he doesn't want to feel guilty so he makes you do it so it isn't his fault, which it is his fault anyways, but in his mind he can justify what he is doing if you break it off. Also if a guy cares about you a lot but just doesn't want to be with you anymore he will be scared that the dumpee will try and solve the problem or will be mad at him and make a scene. It is usually a combination of all of these, plus some immaturity factors play into it as well.

champ · Answer

I had a boyfriend and he told me he was talking to his friends about breaking up with me because he just couldn't take the "comittment" and live up to his standards of being a boyfriend to me. His friends told him he had 2 choices the easy way.. Or the hard way. The easy way make me hate him or ignore me all together or the hard way being honest and telling me how he really felt.

That's why, if you're a decent girl and a good girlfriend even if you're not what he's looking for it's easier for him to do those things then try and explain and rationalize the truth.

993099142 · Answer

I think they believe it hurts less if they don't say they want to end it and let you come to your in conclusions. Our minds act as a cushion for us so tha we don't believe the relationship has ended until we want to believe it... since most people lie to themselves anyway and because the certaintiy comes slowly... it hurts less. If I was in love with a guy and he wanted to break up with me, I would want him to stop answering phone calls. That's a lot easier than hearing him speak from his mouth that he no longer loves me.

Anonymous · Answer

It could be any of those reasons. But it's also in our nature as humans, through having highly developed cognitive abilities (emotions and the need for logic etc) to not want to intentionally hurt someone, there are however always exceptions to the rule, but generally no-one WANTS to hurt another person. So even though we might want to be honest and say that "the feelings aren't there anymore", we are all probably more likely to first look into saying something like "it's not you it's me".

I don't think it's just guys who do this as well, I have (gulp) been guilty of twisting the truth a little bit to save hurting someone, and I know that ex-bf's of mine have been the same.

muythai · Answer

The most mature men will just come out and say it, but a lot of the time guys just feel bad and do not want to hurt you. Granted, it sucks, I've had that happen to me, but sometimes people are immature and have a hard time being honest because they feel that you probably really like them, so they just feel bad for not liking you as much back.

WeaponZero · Answer

honestly I can't relate to this because every single relationship I've ever been in has ended badly with one person doing something to royally screw the other person over.  I can't see myself wanting to break up with a girl for less than her doing something to me that made me hate her.

BirdofParadise · Answer

I think some people are just cowards and don't want to deal with your emotions. My last ex told everyone we had broken up in January 2008 but never told me until September when he met someone else and I was still coming around and making plans with him like his girlfriend. In that cause he was just using me to keep him company.

AJtogo · Answer

Because the guy has decided that he wants to end it with you and it's easier to have you break up with him than it is for him to break up with you. Therefore, the easiest thing to do is to ignore you and/or treat you mean so that you will end it. The person doing the breaking up is always considered to be the bad guy/person and by getting you to break up with him, he's not the bad guy.

jbone79 · Answer

I don't think all men are like this. If your experiencing this repeatedly, then it could be your pattern in mate selection. I've always told people that things are not going to work out and I wish them the best. It's just honest and fair, and if more explanation is needed, then it's provided. Some men just are not very comfortable with this, and I would assume that if they say nothing, then maybe you will just move on. I hope this makes sense, I think it's primarily the individual. - j

playboyswag · Answer

you have to be mindful sweetheart that there are insane people out here in the world so just saying might make matters worse we don't want yall to hear our voice telling you girls that its over. See me I'm different I have done both it depends on how we feeling at that time but if we are compremising then there should be no reason to break up find out the problem two wrongs don't make a right so its no ones fault. Cause you p*ssed him off he ran people that give up never make it that far or far at all.

tyrantfuryre · Answer

Sounds like you're dating assholes. I've always came straight out and said why it was over. No matter what, the other person is going to be hurt...so I might as well be honest and tell them why. At least this way they're not going to be sitting around wondering what they did or didn't do wrong.

Fitnessfanatic27 · Answer

It's always grey is the problem. Emotions are never really clear cut and a list of pros and cons is always racing through my mind. It's never like everything is negative or positive, if it was life would be much more simple. You just have to follow what you want all the way through. Being selfish in a relationship is necessary for it to be successful almost as much as the need to be selfless in certain situations. I wish you the best. More than happy to hash it out if your interested. Good luck!

confused1081 · Answer

It's a sucky people thing.  I say the same thing with friends as well.  People think "Oh I don't want to be mean" but honestly, hiding the truth is crueler than just being upfront.

Kickrockslosers · Answer

So what was up? Did anyone tell you a similar answer to what was really going on.  I see, he's 800 miles away. Guess he's a career chaser LOL! You just have to tell him that he can't hide from love!

blue-kev · Answer

the reason we don't like telling a girl we have lost interest is because we know how heartbreaking it is when a girl does that to us.

AthleticMom · Answer

A. but I'll add... why throw a perfectly good gal away when she could be on the string, ready to fill in?

Anonymous · Answer

They are afraid of confrontation and not man enough to end it.  If you end it then it takes the responsibility away from them.

Anonymous · Answer

You may not feel angry if he tells you politely that it is over. He may have had an ex that ballistic. However, some of my friends tell me that when they broke off with their girlfriend that they could not deal with the emotional issues of seeing a woman hurt. So they would just become ignorant and wait for her to get the hint.

imlookingforlove · Answer

They dont want to hurt your feelings. One thing a man hates, is watching a woman cry and when he is the reason for it, it kills him. shoot me an email, shea.diggs@yahoo.com

JH5022 · Answer

because ur beautiful and irresistable, and girls like to f*** with guys minds and make the world a bad place which leads to more and more divorces each year, nuff said

Aisti · Answer

I would say it has to do with not wanting to admit that he was wrong about the relationship, so in a way it has to do with embarrassment about it.

Anonymous · Answer

some can some cannot.

Why can't the guys say that it's simply over?

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