Do you want to be friends with your ex?

[Anonymous]

I don't get it... I love my ex-boyfriend (we broke up over 4 months ago) but we don't work as a couple & it breaks my heart because that means someone else is going to get this great guy. I really do want him to find someone that makes him happy but I don't want to watch it happen.

When we broke it off, I said goodbye. He said, "No, we'll be friends." He knows I'm not an advocate of being friends with my ex's. I told him I didn't bring that kind of baggage into our relationship and I don't plan on bringing it in to the next one. Anyway he's totally disregarded my attempts to cut him out of my life and says he refuses to disappear.

I tried to explain that it hurts me to talk to him because I still love him and I need time to get over it. He said, "that's dumb, we can still chat about a basketball game..." I feel myself giving in but think I may be doing myself a disservice.

I miss being able to call him up and tell him about my day. He was my best friend! But how do you move on if you fill that void with the person who left it?

I would really like to know people's take on how it works being friends with the ex.

Yes! I'm friends with all of my ex's

No way! Break up & move on

Updates

+1 y

Thanks for the input! The poll looks pretty steady at 60/40 with option B taking the win. I just wanted to say thanks for all of the responses. I went ahead and agreed with everyone to give you a point =)

[ArizonaHighways]

I am very close with all the men of my previous committed-relationships. It is not always an easy road to travel and problems/sensitivities/old feelings arise unexpectedly. However, I have always believed in the friendship out-lasting all else. I work hard at mending and keeping those ties, no matter what. But my boyfriends have always started out as good companions first-they're not random-and our time together is always a decent length, so we've both invested so much into each other that I can never justify throwing it away or ignoring it. I don't think it is "baggage" at all...but then again, I value my friends very, very much. I've always thought of it as a maturity to strive for. I think its petty to not remain friends-assuming you were good friends to begin with and you did state "he was my best friend!" so, why forget about or not hold that at high value?

That being said, I recommend you have a little time to yourself first...a rest for you to re-group yourself and get into a positive head-space again! I think you should feel really good that this fella wants to remain close and friendly with you! That is a compliment. But it is okay if you're not quite ready...absolutely it is difficult if you're feelings are still lingering and your hurt/disappointment is still fresh in your heart. Give it some time. If you decide to try and reciprocate his effort at friendship, I would just explain to him that you need some time to get straightened out and that he simply has to give you a moment! That you're down to try the whole ex-boyfriend-remains-friend thing, but you cannot be rushed into it. I'm sure he would understand.

[Asker]

Hahaha, I tried the, "can I get a moment please" line. He said he understood and called me 3 days later. I told him I needed more time so he waited 3 more days. =/ I told him my idea of a moment is 3 months not 3 days. He said no way! Not the most understanding fellow... I don't like missing him every time I sit down to watch a bball game. I would like that to go away before we try the friend thing.

[ArizonaHighways]

I would have simply ignored his calls/emails/messages until I was ready...he already would have heard me say "I need some time to myself. I got a lot of love for you. I'll be in touch when I'm ready. Peace out." and so, I would imagine the guy wouldn't be too sore about it. When I say I need some time away, I stick to that firmly-in fact, I would probably move to another state altogether! But I'm adventurous. ; ) Either way, do what you need to do, for yourself. Good luck.

[Asker]

Well, there in lies the problem. Up until this guy I would have said & done the same thing. I just fell really hard for this guy. I ignored him for over a month thinking he would eventually give up. Instead he called begging me not to shut him out. I've kicked him off my facebook and I don't take his calls but will respond to txt msgs if they're generic in subject matter. I've basically set rules of conduct, when he complains. I told him he could take it or leave it...

[liquidlithium]

I am in the exact same situation you are in right now. Its been four months since my split, and I have just begun the getting over process. And you know why? Because 2 and a half weeks ago was the last time we had any contact, and I can feel things getting better and easier every day. My ex was my best friend too, we did everything together, laughed all the time. But if you still have feelings for the person, a friendship will never work. You know you can be friends with someone when you see them with another person happy, and it doesn't bother you, and I know you, like me couldn't do that right now. It doesn't mean you can never be friends though. I actually just recently became friends with another ex of mine that I was with for four years, and it took another four years to be able to do that, we didn't speak or see each other for that entire length of time. I think honestly you should do what I did, and explain to your ex that being friends just isn't possible right now because you still have feelings for him, and if he really does care about you, he'll give you the space you need to move on and get over the relationship. Let him know its not about disliking him, or that you never want to speak to him again, but that its about you becoming your own person again, without him.

[cedarrose]

I think it works to stay friends with your ex, but if you're feeling like you need space from him right now, definitely take some. I've stayed friends with my ex's but we didn't talk much for the first few months. It gave us both time to realize that our relationship that we were used to was over, and once the pain faded we found that we were okay talking and hanging out again.

Just let your ex know that you need a little space at first and that then it will be easier for you both of you in the long run.

Hope this helps!

[Atomizer]

I think that it's generally a bad idea to be friends with an ex. At least immediately after a breakup.

Being friends is a kind of denial: you're both hurt and reeling, but you pretend everything's fine. And wearing that mask means you never have time to cry, get angry, and heal. Even if the breakup isn't nasty and horrible, it still hurts. You simply can't move on and recover if you're in regular contact. It's like asking why this wound in your stomach won't heal when you refuse to let the doctors remove the steak knife that someone jammed in your guts.

If this guy doesn't respect your need for solitude, he's being insensitive. He doesn't get it. Change your phone number, and block his email account. You have a right to establish the boundaries you want.

Accept that you'll feel sad for a while. You'll feel a void. It's normal. You'll gradually recover.

Good luck.

[Asker]

I wish we were both reeling... I'm the one that did the dumping, and the crying, and the reeling. He was ready to be buddies the next day. the realization that I was WAY more invested than he was is why I broke up with him in the first place. I told him I deserved to be with someone who cared as much about me as I did about them. He didn't disagree...

[Midwestbeauty444]

What do you mean by "a deniel"? oh okay I just got it, like you don;t want to really ACCEPT the fact that you're broken up. N you just act like everythings all good somehow even though your both hurting inside. My ex brokeup with me 4 mon ago but we talked on the phone every night the past 3 days!! its NOT COOL omgosh he even texted and called me like a month AFTER he brokeuo with me too! it was about him gettin his life together "doing him" he's his 1st priority!i get it but I though eventually we'

[Anonymous]

If it hurts at all, you should do what is best for you...and it seems that that would be to cut ties between you two. I went through something similar, my ex dumped me after 2 1/2 years and wanted to stay friends. How could I be friends with someone that I loved so much when it hurt to see her with another guy? I also have a friend in the same situation, except he tried to stay friends. She constantly calls him up and every time it makes him feel like crap. I ask him why he does this, and he comes up with some stupid answer deferring the question...but I know that he only does it because he isn't strong enough to move on and let her go.

The most mature thing you can do is do what makes you the happiest. If talking to him makes you feel bad about your life or the situation, then I say don't do it. It was the best decision I could have made in my situation. Best of luck.

[Asker]

I chose yours as the best answer because of the last paragraph... I've never struggled being friends with an ex because I didn't care, I just walked away and it was easy. But the more this ex has pushed for the friendship the more I started to think that I was being silly and immature & I SHOULD be able to have conversations with this guy without feeling like my heart is breaking but you're right; the mature thing is to know what's best for you and roll with it. Thanks for that...

[Gdude0000]

When I broke up with my ex, we tried to go into the friend thing, but the regular contact made it impossible for me to move on. When I tried to set up some boundaries, she refused to follow them (no calling or texting me, only chat on msn if I initiated it) and she took every opportunity to hurt me by reminding me of the guy she was cheating on me with. Finally I had enough and cut her from my life. Maybe in a couple months I may talk to her again, but that will be when I am good and ready. I do want her as a friend, but she is dellusional to think that we will be more.

[amberview]

After your feelings have died down, you MIGHT be able to be friends with him without it breaking your heart over and over. I have been friends with ex's before and it sucked. They wanted to continue doing things that a girl would only normally do in a relationship. And I did that only because I thought there was a chance to reignite the fire. Well, it reignited fires, but not in a good way.

[amberview]

Sometimes I think when people say you'll be friends it means you won't be enemies. It's perfectly fine not to be enemies. However, their are stages of grief when getting over a relationship and one of them is anger. It might be over the situation, with the person for giving up on the relationship, etc. It doesn't have to be hate.

[Asker]

I agree with that & I'm all about being polite and civil in public & wouldn't go out of my way to avoid him but I don'ty think he should be calling.

[amberview]

Tell him to stop calling. I had to do that with an ex.

[Asker]

I have many times. I was doing really good at ignoring his attempts to talk to me until the holidays. I just couldn't ignore him on Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years, and my birthday... but I've told him he's out of holiday charity and I could use some space so please knock it off. He got mad & said, "You knock it off, I'm not going anywhere." He'll sometimes txt me 20 times in one night but I won't respond. He says he knows persistance pays with me and he's going to wear me down

[amberview]

Urgh. Well, eventually he'll get the picture. All you can do is be straight up with him. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

[Anonymous]

I can't really be friends with any of my ex's. It just doesn't work out that way for me. Several of my relationships have ended badly so even if I wanted to be friends 2 of them they probably wouldn't even consider it. Plus I think it would be very awkward. I just couldn't do it. Even now I have an ex boyfriend that I am forced to see 5 days a week and I just can't talk to him or sometimes even look at him. It's because he is very indecisive and he doesn't know what he wants so he hurt me twice. I mean I'm not rude, if he says hi I do too but otherwise nothing. And now I think he sorta wants to get back together but that will never happen. If we can't even bring ourselves to be friends after we have broken up, I know we can never get back together.

But that's just me, if you think you can be just friends with your ex go for it.

[ivarei]

it depends on the circumstances of the breakup, how far the relationship went, and what sort of relationship it was. my best friend happens to be one of my x-bfs. when he and I hung out as a couple, it was more like a play date. I'm not friends with my other ex boyfriends though. what I mean is, I have no problem with staying friends, and if it's possible stay friends, then I'll do that. but if it was a bad breakup and it was awkward, then I don't see the sense in trying to make things feel normal.

[BirdofParadise]

Really, I don't think it is possible to move on and get over someone if they are still in your life. It is hard, espeacially if you were really close to them but it gets so much easier the more time you spend away from them. I think it is important to have space from an ex after the break up to re-establish yourself and you independence.

[aprilmonique]

Well I've been friend swith one of my ex's for along time now. If you ask me its better to try and be their friend if they want you too. If they go with someone and you feel bad about, try to think that he is happy and you should be happy for him. If that person dumps him, then you should be the friend to cheer him up. Just because he is your ex, doesn't mean you have to cut him out of your life.

This is my first time giving an answer and I hope I was of abit help :)

if you have anything to ask me then feel free to.

[vampirefreako]

it really depends on how the relationship ended. If my feeling for them faded then being friends with them would be great. If I still love him and our relationship ended badly then I would avoid all contact with him because I won't allow myself to get hurt llike that again in anyway by them. But that's just me.

[white-girl-e]

i tell you what id do...i would cut contact with him for a year to get completely over him then call him one day for some coffee or something and see how you guys work out as just frends..if after that you dnt feel like calling him anymore that's ok too :) its really not good to stay frends after a fresh cut breakup..its too hard

[Shlei3]

Depends on the relationship. Most of my exes and I are friends. However, the ones I still had feelings for I just cut communication with. It's not fair to myself nor him if I stayed friends while still having feelings. I don't care if your ex thinks it's stupid it's not up to him to decide. You do what is right for you.

[helpme1089]

I broke up with my best friend 2 months ago. I met her at the beginning of college and when we started dating (about a year into our friendship) we were hesitant because we didn't want to lose what we had as friends and promised that no matter what happened we wouldn't lose that. Well, of course the breakup came and that all went out the window. I agree with you completely about not bringing "baggage" into another relationship but a friend (with no benefits) that happens to be an ex isn't really baggage. Everyone has friends that come along with a relationship and who they are shouldn't really matter. If you don't want to watch him with another girl than maybe you still have feelings for him.

[Anonymous]

I think it really depends. For the most part I think couples who break up can eventually be friends, but it may take a year or more for that to happen. But for other people "friends" will never happen. It depends on the situation. With my ex boyfriend, I know me and him will eventually be able to be friends, because our relationship didn't end badly. But for him and his ex, I know they will never be friends because it was a terrible divorce and she's a crazy psycho b****. So like I said, it just depends on the situation. I'm friends with some of my ex boyfriends, and some I'm not. It all depends on how you're feeling, and how much time has passed.

[electro-girl]

Honestly I'm going through the same thing...i don't think I can be friends with him...i don't think its a good idea at all...it jst can't work it hurts and all but its jst not a good idea babes...the only thing is time...love is a bitch of a thing...

[Sexy-Senior-09]

cut all ties with him.

If you stay friends with him it'll just create more problems for you and any of your future bf's

My ex tried to stay friends with me but I was like hell no, you want me to stay friends with you while you date other guys? screw that.

[WhiteChocolate]

I have been friends with my ex and we are in the same boat that we are awesome as friends but not lovers. I know first hand that it is hard letting them go but, at the same time do you want to be living in pain every time he is around. Let him go and move on. It will be hard but, at the end it will be worth it. Start putting yourself first and making yourself happy and you will feel so much better. I know it might hurt a little at first but, in no time it will feel better than being on the verge of a breakdown every time he is around.

[palek]

You're exactly right about not lugging baggage around for the future man in your life to have to carry. Also, it should be impossible to just be friends with someone you truly love. It can only bring heartache. There are plenty of people you can be friends with without tearing your heart out.

[Cheena23]

When I broke up with my ex's, I stayed talking to them. We aren't as close as before but I still talk to them. It won't be deep conversations but it's more than a "hi" and a "bye".

But first, you have to be sure that your ex is not trying to get back with you, or else, it will be sending wrong messages to him that you want to get back with him.

[Milton]

well what your ex did by refusing to leave youn alone for some time is a little ride to me...maybe he didn't mean it to be rude, but it was a little inconsiderate of him. he should try and understand you need time for yourself right after all the breakup stuff.

[temptationfalls]

I think there should be an option that says some are still friends but not all

[Asker]

I thought about it but decided to keep it simple.

[babymomma]

Sometimes time is all that is needed I'm still friends with most of my exes no matter how bad things were left off as, I didn't talk to my first love for 8 years after I sent him to jail for drug use, he forgave me and we are still good friends he loves my kids with a passion and is friends with some of my other exes lol

[Anonymous]

Well I will tell you its going to be hard for you. From my experience I still haven't gotten over my ex and I don't think I will either. its very hard getting over someone you care about and love, especially if theyre your best friend and you talked to them everyday about your day. I know I did with my ex. So I know how you feel. I hope everything works out for you and me as well. Good Luck and be Strong! thanks for reading.