My recent ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, cause he just can't love me the way that I do, but still appreciates me as a person and does not wanna use me. We haven't talked since. His last words were that he is going to help me with moving out and that he wishs to keep our friendship.
So his plan is basically to give me time to get over it and then to tie on where we used to be.
We were friends first and had the same group of friends, but my so called "friends" would always talk bad about him, etc. He is not at all what they claimed him to be. He was more a true friend to me, than all the "friends" I had.
So my moving day is getting closer and closer and I feel like I have to make up my mind, cause I guess he will be really showing up to help me move and I just don't know. I'm so torn.random pic from WeHeartIt. com
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+1 y
Fuck that. This is NOT going to happen. I really tried to be an adult and not behave on my temper and also I'm sick of losing people. Friendships ended, my father died etc and I'm so sick of it. But this weekend he had the time of his life based on his insta stories and I was so not okay with it Well at least one problem got solved now lmao
Updates
+1 y
He did show up yesterday and helped me. I told him how jealous I was seeing him hangout with those women the past weeks and that I can't be friends for now. He actually stayed until like 3 am and we talked about everything again. It's just weird to me honestly but this topic is done now.
I think that it becomes harder to stay friends with an ex the older you get. The complication often arises when you each get into new relationships. In your situation, I think that you should let him know you're worried that you two might possibly have trouble being friends... but you're willing to give it a shot. Let him help you move if he's offering, and see how things go between you when you see him. As long as you're up-front about your worries, I don't think that's taking advantage.
Yeah but it's not like a a regular friendship in fact don't plan on talking to them for huge amounts of times in between and don't expect or don't even try to be engaged with them regularly because if he's the one who left you and you're still stuck on him all you're going to do is get hurt so you're better off just to walk away
WHY do you want to remains friends with him? Hoping that he will "come to his senses" and love you again? Afraid to be alone? Afraid to admit that this was a failure?
And when you start dating someone else, how wll your new boyfriend feel about you spending "quality time" with your ex. Or how will nis new girlfriend feel about him spending time with you. How will you react when he started dating someone else and it is obvious that they are having a sexual relationship? Will you attend his wedding? Don't you see where this is headed?
I only hope you don't get hurt in the long run - You know denying that you still love him then going into the cycle of feeling like you do then feeling like you don't while he's just being "friends" with you - I've known a close girl friend who still loved the guy after over 2 months even though she went out constantly and when he gave her that same friendship offer she couldn't help herself but get mad when he went out with other girls or didn't give her enough attention - these are things if I were you I'd worry about - I'd also worry about him playing you - If he tries to make a move on you after you guys have re-established your so called friendship - Then he's probably trying to have you while you don't have him - Another thing if I was you - I'd look into what your friends are saying, the validity of what they're saying, and why would they say such things - That same girl thought her ex who wanted to be her friend was an angel unlike what she'd been told - Meanwhile he was calling her a whore and a pornstar in front of their mutual group of friends.. If it's just about his character then yea I wouldn't believe them
Depending on what caused the breakup you can be friendly but NOT friends. There is a fine line. Key difference.
I had similar situation several years ago. I loved my ex as a person but the ugly truth i didn’t want to be in a relationship at the time. But i just couldn’t get myself to break up with her because she (as i thought at the time) did nothing wrong. I was torn because i know dumping her would leave her devastated. I didn’t cheat but I did act disconnected and immature.
We started arguing more and had problems. She then broke up with me and treated me like I was less than human. I got some really bad news a few weeks later and she literally told me “tough luck your an ex”. We had to communicate for business purposes but she had this horrid disdain for me. Some of things she said still haunts me to this day.
Anyway after many years I anguishing that I might of lost of the one “who got away” it one day dawned on me why she treated me the way she did: there is a 99.99999% she cheated. All the pieces of the puzzle fit together. She had to see me as lower than pond scum to protect her piece of shit ego.
Honestly I wish she would of just confessed it back then. I would been furious but it would of been so much easier for me to move on. I could see the real her and realize she was a selfish pos.
So bottom line is this. Be respectful to each other. There are going to be feelings of nostalgia. Make it clear that there is a boundary now but do it respectfully. Don’t treat your ex the same way mine treated me. What she said to me was the nastiest insult i have ever taken in my life from a woman
Yes, this can be done with ex's, but after reading your post, I don't think it can be done with YOUR ex !
So let me understand - he likes you, but he doesn't love you in the sense of long term, romantic relationship? So he's helping you move out, figuring you'll get over not being his love choice, and then pick up where you once were before he told you this?
Sounds perfectly condescending to me. Nice that he physically helps you move stuff, but the rest of his support sounds like guilt wrapped in cloaked insincerity. It's like saying "I know you love me and wanted me to love you back the same way, but I don't, which doesn't mean I don't like you. So, hang on to my coat tails until you're over that, and then, we can be friends again !! Sounds like a good deal for him, because he's not in any pain.
My strong advice is take the time to separate from him without the idea that you "need" him as a friend. Then see how you think and feel months from now. For all you know, he might be replaced by someone new that you love who loves you back the same way, and then you won't really care about the ex after all.
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
I was... until just yesterday, when my eyes finally opened, and I saw how he just probably doesn't even care about me anymore. I was in pain and having cramps, I messaged him about it, because i usually text him if I'm on my periods or having pain, or anything, thinking he cares. and I was sad just waiting for him to text me back showing care.. all he replied with was a cat video. and something else, not related to what i just expressed to him. so i got upset and just said goodnight and went to sleep. only to wake up next morning to see he didn't even reply to the goodnight. honestly sucks. i dont care about him anymore now. I just did too much and cared too much for him to just treat me this way. I cared for every wound, every pain he had. even if it was his lip being bitten accidentally. I'm done. and no. being friends with him would only mean I can't move on. because I know I still have that inside me that if he's here I will give him everything and love him even if he doesn't. so its just better to cut off contacts or just stay acquaintances. I'll just not tell him anything about myself anymore like i used to. since it doesn't matter to him, why should I waste my time typing all of it.
1
1 Reply
Opinion Owner
+1 y
NVM GUYS um... nvm. @melanieeeb... today like a few hours ago, he was like are you mad at me.. and asked whats wrong and stuff, and eventually, we did communication, and well... now we're back together :) I'm so happy
But if you've hit hard boundaries, then the answer is no. Suffer the loss, take the pain, heal, and start again to find a relationship that is good and you want to grow with. I failed to do that and wasted a big chunk of my life getting "crumbs" from another that did not reciprocate. I honor my girlfriend with helping me dig out of the "fix" I was in as I was emotionally stuck in a lot of issues. I thought I could drag an emotional attachment through life and avoid the pain.
That leads to wisdom #1: * Making space makes room to love your new love. Because I gave my love to someone who didn't reciprocate (and many other issues), I was not able to attach to anyone else who showed up. I was blocked emotionally. So let him go and make space for someone new. I did that, my girlfriend had to do that with her X. It's your heart... don't leave it checked out where it will not be honored, valued, and is not getting you towards your goals in life.
Wisdom #2: * You must honor your new relationship and maintain emotional purity of relationship with them. Other attachments create issues you will have to work through. The more emotional issues, the more problems you will have to work through with your new partner. Think about your next guy being a "hoarder" will a housefull of crap he can't let go of and X's aorund... is that going to be ok to raise your family in?
In my circle of friends, neighbors and family, I don't see them being friends with X's. Maybe for some small population it can work.
Depending on the situation of the break up it can be difficult. I recently went through a break up from a 2 year relationship, she was toxic unfortunately but she was very pretty. I ended the relationship over what I consider a very stupid thing but it still was the final straw of a very long series of events. she then decided to call me almost every day demanding her stuff back immediately, I sent her a final message saying I'll get to doing it when I'm doing mentally okay enough to drive them I blocked her number. She decided to then use every social media she could get to contact me and I had to block her on everything. The last thing I saw was from her snap story and it was of another guy, with the caption I love you.. it hurt a lot and I finally blocked everything from her. She got any and all of the friends she could to text me and even tried the fake pregnancy thing on me, which didn't work bc her mom was better at being a detective then I could've been at the time and told me she was negative. I did manage to give her stuff back and even to this day she still has people messaging me saying she wants to talk. So like I said given the circumstances of the break up it could work out but it could also definitely not
I think it would be very awkward or very complicated to be friends with your ex. I am not saying it can’t happen I am saying you guys may have been to intimate or close to each other that you know so much, that it might be very hard to actually stay friends with them. I think the only way to be clean with being friends with your ex is to be straightforward on what you need/want and what you expect so the other person can adjust to your boundaries so it doesn’t get terribly awkward. But your ex specifically seems to want to give it a try and I would take his offer but be straightforward with what you want and need, don’t be too harsh on him either as he has a lot of respect for you and is trying to make amends. That’s what I can say about a good guy is he will respect you and wanna be your friend even after a breakup. P. s. it might be hard tho after a while not to recatch feelings
The thing with setting boundaries is a really good idea, thank you! And we already talk a lot with each other and he is respectful, thankfully, well I will see how it goes when he does help me
At 63 I honestly only have 3 Exs. By ex I mean somebody I dated exclusively! The only one is the first girl that betrayed me! I still get tagged in tweets by her, but after 40 years and she lives in Georgia and me in Virginia we don't communicate and she does not call me. I do have a somewhat weird relationship with her oldest daughter. This is weird because this daughter was conceived during the weekend her mother betrayed me. Her biological father died some years ago, and she adopted me. As to this question, there are so damn many different variables I don't think there is a best answer. One thing though for damn sure. If you have children under 18 you SHOULD be at least talking. Look at what happened in Lubbock Texas after a child custody dispute turned deadly!
I have stayed friends with lots of ex's, whole bunch of them.
The thing is, why did you break up? That is important, I don't stay friends with cheaters or certain other bad behaviors that lead to the breakup.
If it was more general and things just didn't work out, that's fine.
Now when I say a whole bunch, often we stayed good friends, but as time goes on that does fade. They move on to someone else, I move on.
Some friends, stay close but that is the minority. I have on occasion gotten back together with a ex to give it another shot, after we both grew up a bit, because we stayed friends.
Want weird though, try breaking up. Staying friends, then going on a group date with your ex and his new girlfriend, myself with my new man.
Weird at first, but we have gotten to be really good friends. Even was invited to the wedding of an ex this way when he married someone else.
Sigh. Questions like this seem to appear incesssntly on here, and are almost impossible to answer. Why? Gotta define “friends”. Are we’re talking friends that hang out alone? Or just being part of the same group of friends me still get along?
My ex and I don’t hang out anymore but we’re totally fine around each other, since we’ve both moved on romantically from each other. We still get along well. Perhaps therein lies the answer to your question. Might depend on a dozen factors. These things are rarely black and white.
I believe you can be friends with an Ex, though I have to say it would depend on how the breakup was handled/happened. If it was an amicable and mutual breakup then I see no reason why not. If the breakup was bad for any reason then I would say it would be hard to impossible.
As far as it effecting other relationships well I think you can still be friends with your ex. My mother taught me that just because your friends with someone of the opposite sex doesn't mean you want to sleep with them or have a relationship. It really isn't a problem as long as no one crosses the line. I wouldn't take offense to my partner being friends with her ex as long as it's no more than friends who care for each other.
Yes, in theory. As a rule though... once we break up... I really don't see or talk to you anymore. Our lives go off on separate tangents and we really don't have anything to do with each other any more. Many exes... I've not seen or talked to since we break up. They could be dead and I'd not know it.
I don't have any reason or motivation to keep an ex in my life as a "friend".
I stayed clear of dating girls that kept their exes close in their lives as well. I just consider girls like that bad news when it comes to having a serious relationship. I wouldn't waste my time with someone who has the ex as a close rung in her life.
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
No please don’t allow any friendship with your Ex you don’t have too.. No matter how genuine he sounds wanting to be friends because with “you” because he cares it’s a lie.. that’s a line used when not to hurt someone OR use you for later! Be smart forget him and drop him like he is a piece of shit because he is. Life is so short go find your real man out there and find true love. Because for sure he ain’t your true love he hurt your soul and heart. Tell him ok let’s be friends but be TOXIC delete everything of his block his number so in case he reaches you you won’t be reachable! Don’t give a fuck about annoying NO one. Let alone care for a carrot dick as his wanting you too friends pfff mother fucker thinks you are easy. Show him who you are. By actions!
I'm still friends with a few exes and a few left my life without any bad feeling. It's definitely possible but it helps if you can separate your feelings of friendship from any other kind of affection. If he starts seeing someone can you be happy for him and not feel sad/jealous/upset or do you just think you can fake it so that he won't know the difference?
I might be sad but still happy for him, cause like everyone deserves to find their partner in life and if it wasn't me then it's definitely going to be somebody else, like I'm aware of that and I do understand his reasoning to break up, I don't like it but I get it
Update— Im glad you got closure. I got some last week from an ex from years ago who popped up. But it was a nice long conversation. He wanted to give things another gonbut i honestly dont want to take any exes into the new year
You said you love him. Can you really look at him and not feel any sense of loss? Maybe you can be friends again but I think it might be too soon. I guess your about to find out. If your feelings are too strong if you see him again then don't make him part of your life. You don't have to hate him just don't torture yourself like that. Except his help if he turns up if you truly believe you won't turn into an emotional reck. good luck
While you’re young, I think you can remain friends. Sometimes even when you’re older and marry/have kids! However, a lot of guys ages 15-30, tend to be strongly against dating people who are friends with exes, but that doesn’t mean all of them. That’s just what I’ve noticed. I would love to be friends with my ex, we had a lot of memories together and he watched me grow in so many ways. He was my best friend. I wouldn’t want my bestfriend to just up and leave. I think it is mature to remain at least acquaintances or friends with an ex, instead of spiteful and angry towards the ex (if it ended on decent terms).
An ex is an ex for a reason. I don't understand how people can remain friends with someone that they were surprised intimate with. He is a piece of shit that thinks he ha she right to talk to her and see her no. She needs to block his ass.
Your ex can’t love you the way that you do, and now he says he wants to be friends? I think you just answered your own question. Sorry to sound insensitive but, if he claims he “appreciates” you, then he’d respect the fact that the relationship is over. You obviously need space to get over him and don’t you think you deserve better? He’s just taking your love for granted, and honey, I know that feeling! But please know that you don’t deserve to be taken for a ride like he did. Focus on yourself and quit worrying about him wanting to be friends. You deserve waaaayy better than him! All the best sweetie! 🤗
Honestly its a tough one... with ex girl friends I only maintained the friendship until it was obvious that there would be no sex, or I got involved with another women that I could date.
Guy can met a girl, not be able to date her but still want some benefits... if she's not interested in that, then eventually they movebon.
Me and most of my exes are friends, especially if we go to the same school. Although, it's always been weird. When I was still single, he'd have me sit in his lap, and I didn't think anything of it. That is until he got a new girlfriend, he would never come over to even hang out and play video games, not that he was out seeing his girlfriend anyway. Once I got a boyfriend, he was more friendly with me, and he was single at the time, so me getting a boyfriend to him was like, someone trying to take me away from him, and I can tell he's jealous. Especially cause he's gone through 2 girls in a span of a week. I think I could be friends with my exes, but unless you weren't friends before dating, I'm not sure you may be able to stay friends. Most of the guys/girls I have dated I knew for a year or two beforehand, so we knew eachother well, and we dated, didn't work out, and continued the relationship we had before.
It really depends on the break up and time. My girlfriend reconnected with an ex she had. They were all but engaged before breaking up (he believed that you had to get married within a year of getting engaged). It took a few years, but they reconnected as friends
No, cause he was out with a guy and a few girls and I got jealous and realized I can't be friends with him and sit there and watch him date someone new in the future
The point is you shouldn't be hurt that he's happy. If you still have feelings for him you should want him to be happy. With every girl I liked that is how I was. Obviously I would prefer that they were happy with me. If not I wanted thrm to be happy with whomever they chose.
No. He had more important things to do with his online friends than to sacrifice 4 hours of his precious time in a week while going to a party or somewhere else with me. Why suddenly he should change his mind if we were just friends?
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
I've been friends with my ex he's off my closest friends and someone I can always rely on , i think it really depends on his mature you guys are about your relationship with each other and how your relationship ended. It does become tricky when you starts to move on but it's always best to just be open and communicate how you feel.
Depends. If the break up happen due to harsh reasons like cheating or just are shallow reasoning, feelings are mutual so it would be hard but in cases where they broke up because they felt that their relationship doesn't really work like there's no chemistry, feelings are mutual and they can be friends.
Heavily depends on the ex and how/why you broke up. I'm friends with one of my ex's. We broke up cause we just didn't fit well, but we broke up under good terms.
It depends on the nature of the split and also on how much you used to love your boyfriend/girlfriend in the relationship. I would often say it's a bad idea as it isn't always possible to remain platonic friends with that person.
I am. If I really cared I can't be their friend. I have one ex that I really cared about that I can be friends with and hang out. My first ex I can be civil but not best buds but talk when I see him. Last ex, im trying to be but he's a dick
I've tried to do that, and it simply doesn't play out well. Best case scenario, you end up gradually falling out of contact as you go your separate ways anyway.
That's not to diminish the value of leaving on good terms and a clean conscience.
I wouldn't recommend being friend with an ex. I guess it depends on how and why you broke up. Like if you only saw each other as friendship material and not anything more than I'd say you could stay friends, but if they cheated on you than hell no.
"He can't love me the way I do" So are you saying you love yourself too much or much more than he loves you or what? Maybe you - and he - would be better off without each other. But you had better be sure because if you tag him out there is no returnsies.
For a man I don't advice being friends with any female he even remotely finds attractive unless and until he has to for some reason. This is because women almost exclusively benefit from male female friendships while the man gets little to nothing in return.
I believe you can be friends with an ex. I dated a guy for a few years, we broke up and didn't talk for about a year. Then all of a sudden we started talking again like just friends. We talked and made it perfectly clear we could only be friends. Now we have been best friends for 7 years. We have sleep overs and we don't have sex or any type of sexual feelings. I help him with his relationships and he helps me too.
I don't think you should try to friends with an ex. You broke up for a reason, right?
I think the only reason people could stay friends after breaking up is because they weren't really romantically interested in each other in the first place. You know those couples that just seem like buddies? Those are the couples I'm talking about.
No... not possible... if u really wanna move on... Limit your contact to him for at least some time... at least till you move on... I know its hard but if u stay close to him... moving hard will be tough
I stay friends with friends with benefits, even when we agree to stop the benefits, but for someone I been emotionally inclined to, I am not that strong to stay friends with them. I dnt know how to talk to them afterwards.
I have no problems with any of my exes really except for one. But honestly, I prefer to just cut things off after we've broken up. I just find it less messy and more simple.
Who wants to be a masochist? Who can't dig their way out of their own garbage bin? Who needs narcissistic supply, or needs to be narcissistic supply? Who loves living in the past? Who can't get over sh*t?
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