Is it possible to be friends with your ex?

Question

My boyfriend and I have talked about being friends if we ever broke up. A lot of the time we talk about how our relationship is always based on friendship first, which has made our relationship quite nice. We aren't breaking up but we have gotten into fights before.

In those fights, he told me that he could never be my friend afterwards. Is being friends with your ex realistic? Or do you think, by saying we will stay friends, is kind of like, not entirely closing the door but staying attached and open?

784456 · Accepted Answer

I'd say no.

Because it depends how your next partners "control" you.

Two true stories:

1) I had a one-year relationship with a girl I initiated in sex. We shared and talked about everything. Although she had a gang of 4 girls as bff, she used to ask me anything instead. I'd say it was my fault we broke up.
After the break-up, she had a one-night stand. Told me everything about it. Then she entered a relationship. Used to tell me everything about that, too. I told her to change her "person I talk everything to" from me to her boyfriend because it seemed to me she was emotionally cheating on her boyfriend. Then I "helped" her by blacklisting her. Recently I started thinking of her like the woman I want to share the rest of my life with, although at the time I was with her I didin't thought of that. She looks (just) above average but her mindset is definitely the best I've seen.
She recently got out of that previous relationship which turned out to be a long one and I asked her out. She said "anytime", we hit it off, then she started acting indiferrent. Guess I lost her for anything.

2) Again coming out of a 2.5 year relationship with a girl I initiated in everything (sex included). We started having fights. We agreed on being friends with benefits instead but she broke up with me when I refused to tell her about my other "friends".
Now she's in a relationship and we remained friends and talked about anything until her boyfriend said: talk about anything, except sex-related. The thing is that most of my lines are just that! And hers! And it was pretty hard to give it a "non-sex related" touch. She kept "sexting" me and when I was sexting back she used to say: hey, you're crossing the line and I will tell my boyfriend about it. I was "wtf? You started it!".
I have no interest of being with this girl ever again so I kinda stopped communicating with her, thinking she and his current boyfriend are close to retards.

pervertedjester · Accepted Answer

Avoid each other for 6 months afterwards and if you both still miss the friendship go for it. Just don't expect relationship advice. In fact don't bring up a current relationship for at least a year.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Depends. If it ends badly or one of the partners isn't willing to let go of the relationship, then no, if it's mutual or just basically fades to being more of friends than lovers anyway, then definitely yes.

My last relationship ended badly. The break up was sudden and due to an argument and stupid misunderstandings and what not. He called it quits (not meaning it) and I told him that's okay with me (it wasn't, it just felt like that at the moment, I had been very pissed off with him for a while then and he had made me so angry that I just wanted to end it at that moment). Well, I was still thinking we could talk it trough etc. but he ended up jumping to a next girl right away and rubbing it to my face cause he was angry at me for telling him I'm okay with us being over. Well needless to say it all went really ugly, him acting like an asshole and me trying to avoid him the best I could cause he had broke my heart and hurt me real bad.

After some time we discussed about trying to be friends but it's impossible, he can't be friends with me without starting to play mind games or trying to make me jealous or hinting about us getting back together. And I can't be friends with him when he's all over the place. It's either friends with NO games and NO hints on getting back together or no friendship at all. (Getting back together is not an option, he's still with the girl he jumped into a relationship right after we broke up. And after he hurt me so bad, I don't know if I could/should ever take him back).

With other exes we're totally okay and don't have feelings for each others anymore so the friend thing does work. No way are we best of friends, but you know, in good terms and all.

BrittBratt2416 · Accepted Answer

If it's over, then it's over so why remain friends with someone you can't even hold a romantic relationship with? It always confused me how two people can't get a long in relationship but once it over then act like the best buddies in the world. It just makes me think the idea of commitment is too stressful for them so once it's gone, the pressure is released cause they are just friends or FWB's. Which means they were never serious about being in relationship anyways but just in a relationship for the hell of it. Also keeping an ex around doesn't sit to well with most people once you try to get back into dating, a lot people will see it as a red flag and will not be comfortable with you sticking around someone you use to be romantic with. People know there's always a chance of feelings or sexual attraction rekindling with an ex. It is possible, but not for a lot of people cause it's just to awkward trying to pretend what you had before was never there and that you're now just friends. For me, I definitely couldn't be friends with ex, I tried being "facebook friends" with my ex but I eventually had to cut that off too. Not cause feelings were returning, but because we were incompatible in relationship and that incompatibility still went on trying to be "friends".

PeekABooItsMe · Accepted Answer

When i broke up with my first ever boyfriend of 1 year 11 months, i stayed his friend for a good 3 months, after that i didn't like who he had become amd stayed away. Move on to about 5 months ago (3 years later) he wantes to hang out, so i agreed and it was great. We laughed and i took my new puppy with me so she could have a walk, and she loved it.

We arem't really friends, but we can talk without it being awkward, which is nice.

We told each other that for a first time relationship, it was great. The actual relationship i loved, but i wouldn't go back to him now. I just don't see him like that x

StellaGreenEyes · Accepted Answer

I’m friends with two of my exes. One is full on friendship, we even talk about people we are dating. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest to know he is dating, I want him to meet someone who deserves him.

The other... we’re friends but not. we hang out, text and talk but I absolutely do not want to know about who he is dating or if he is dating. He’s seeing someone right now and it is really upsetting me knowing that (he hasn’t said, but I know the signs) I want him to be happy, but I still have feelings for him so... I spend a lot of time crying.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Can you really go back to being just friends and not having feelings?

When he starts dating someone else, will you be anxious to hear all the details? A friend would want to know about it.

The first time that his new girlfriend spends the night, do you want to hear about it? A friend would want to hear.

Do you want to help him select what to wear on his first date with the hot chick that he met and he can't stop talking about? A friend would do that.

When he proposes to someone else, is your heart going to be happy for him? A friend would rejoice.

If you can honestly answer these questions for yourself, then you can answer the question you have asked.

EpicDweeb · Answer

I've been in two fairly serious relationships and have managed to remain great friends with one of my exes, though with the other... things are still a bit rough and we're trying to work through stuff.

As a simple answer, yes you can still be friends afterwards but it's not always easy, though at the same time it's not always hard either.

The fact that you two have a friendship first and foremost as he basis for your relationship will serve you well should a breakup ever happen, though if it does you CANNOT make any assumptions that ANY aspect of your friendship will be the same. You can't afford to be surprised if the other person seems to start acting very differently. They're usually the same person they've always been but... as the song goes "only know you've been high when you're feeling low." Breaking up, if it ever happens is gonna feel like going from 80 mph in the interstate to the access ramp with a speed limit of 25mph... point being it's just a dramatic shift.

As hard as it may be, if you are able to start with the assumption that your friend is a genuinely good willed person... it's a lot easier to stay friends in the long run.

Alex31 · Answer

If two can be friends after a relationship either means that they never truly loved each other or that they are still in love with each other. If you fall out of love with him (and so does he) and none of you have sexual desires towards each other, it is possible to be friends but your future partners will have trouble coping with this fact, legitimately. I never actually loved my ex the way I love my current boyfriend and didn't have sexual tension either, so I was ready to be friends with him but he wasn't, because he loved me.

Calixx · Answer

Mmmm, personally - I’d just rather not be friends with an ex. If i still have feelings for them (which feelings for me, at least, remain to some extent for past lovers) I’d rather not be their friend. I do not want to deal with jealousy, or comparisons - what if he does the things for his new girlfriend, that he never did for me? I would hope my exes are happy and find love - but, i don’t necessarily need to remain a part of their life. We can be polite and cordial if we run into each other, but, a friendship? I am not really interested.

I have a boyfriend now who tries to remain friends with exes. He has told me “if we ever break up, i still want to be in your life”. This has made me feel iffy, i told him - I’d probably need a few months away from you.

HitGirl_4680 · Answer

It is very much based in n how your relationship ends.

If it ends due to you just falling out of love with each other and it’s not this big dramatic bust up because one of you hurt the other aka cheating, lies, drama etc then yes I don’t see why you couldn’t stay friends. It’s just that you no longer love each other or have romantic feelings for each other but could actually be the best of friends.

I also think it has to be a two way street break up that both of you are agreeing to break up and that one person isn’t still in love with the other, as if that is the case and you stay friends in hope they may come back and they move on it will hurt you seeing them with someone else and usually cause problems.

So I say it’s a case by case scenario. And person by person situation.

In an ideal world yes, but life isn’t always ideal! And neither are people!

It can start out well and good but very easily fizzle out and again people get hurt!

VaIiant · Answer

I remain close friends with the guy I was in love with for a very long time, long after the breakup as well. However, we had been close friends years prior to the relationship, so separating as friends would’ve been hard.
In all honesty, after the breakup, I wish we had parted ways. We’ve grown apart now because I’ve become truly interested in someone else— and we’ve had many ups and downs, as we still had feelings for each other after the breakup.
So no, I truly believe if you actually are in love with the person, it’s impossible to be true friends. As the saying goes,
“If two exes can remain friends, they’re either still in love, or never were.”

James_R_G · Answer

It is possible but it is entirely dependant on the people and circumstances.

If someone gets really hurt then I'd say it's proportionately unlikely you can be friends. Also some people just want to cut out their ex's from their lives and again in that case I'd say not.

That being said my best friend is an Ex of mine and I don't have any shortage of close friends either. I am actually friends with 3 of my ex's. In each case the relationship ended under mutual terms and as I have no problem with them we've just kept in contact. One in particular as a result of the relationship knows me better than anyone else, she had been amazingly supportive and overall the best friend of my life.

Netrom · Answer

Yes, it is possible.
I see my ex as one of my best friends. I lived with her for a couple of years, but we then started to be more and more like friends and less as "boyfriend/girlfriend", we then started getting a little on each others nerves for different reasons, and after a while, we had a good talk and decided that we better break up, and continue as "just friends", before it were too late.
I moved out, and after 4 years or something like that, we still see each other about once a week as very good friends :)

Krumpir · Answer

It is possible, but is decided by many things. How you got together, how long were you together, have you been friends before, how was your relationship, why you broke up... It depends on soooo many things that it is hard to say. I don't think I could be friend with ex afterward. I am just that type of person that when I connect with someone, and it makes me wrong, I remember it for long time. I am also pretty jelaous and it wod hurt me to see my ex happy with someone else.

One of the bigger factors I forgot to mention would be if you guys would have same friends.

fluffypaladin · Answer

To be fair it comes down to how the relationship ends. But in reality it's never a good idea to remain friends if there's unresolved feelings. I have a few friends who always end up with their ex and don't progress. I have cut contact with all ex partners, simply because I don't want to compromise my self or them and ruin any potential new loves.

EnaJr · Answer

That depends on how we parted ways. If it was warm, sure we would stay friends. If it was a break up with a lot of curses hurled and hate speeches and total animosity between, then it's goodby. I don't understand how on earth we'd possibly want to fool around as friends afterwards.

Golden_girl85 · Answer

If have to say unrealistic, but it is poaaible. Some couples mutually decide they're better off as friends, but I feel it's pretty rare. I wish I could be with my son's father, he s a good man but we just can't be together, unfortunately he isn't capable, I think it hurts him too much.

Orpheid · Answer

In my own opinion, I believe you need to heal after a break up if there is to be one. Usually I am told healing takes half the time of what the relationship lasts, for example, 3 years would take a year and a half to heal. Friendship always has a chance of one or the other humiliating themselves, so be careful of that. Don't try to force a friendship, either, things could turn toxic.

kimcoffee · Answer

Well, it depends in how your relationship was and how it ended, also in he kind of persons that your ex is? if you used to fight a lot and at some point you didn't even wanted to see each others face, also if you know that he'd be doing some rewind of those fights, please dont do it. But if you ended in good terms and he is a nice guy who really desires and is worth to be friends with, then go ahead.
Its really up to you, in how you feel with not being his parner but just a friend and how both of you manage that.
I think that you can try to be friends only after both of you get over each other~~

I_got_questions · Answer

I just broke up with my boyfriend and I wanted to stay friends but it’s just awkward to stay friends. I want to believe that we can stay friends but the way things have been going lately I am starting to believe that it’s just hard to be just friends after breaking up.

Simpfan · Answer

I think it's a cop-out. It's like sugar-coating the premise of a breakup. I can't be friends with my exes because a few of them physically and/or sexually assaulted me, and others still want to have the "friends with benefits" without a REAL friendship.

Rounds · Answer

I used to be that person that was totally against being friends with an ex, but I’ve since matured and grown and realize it’s completely possible. Obviously I don’t think you can be friends right after the end of the relationship. It takes time, but it’s totally possible!

Kimpossible · Answer

I think realistically it’s not possible after a breakup because there will still be an emotional attachment and it’s very easy to fall into the trap of ending up in a non relationship or fuck buddy situation which is not ideal for either party involved. That’s not to say years down the line you couldn’t be friends though. I am still fond of my exes and whilst we aren’t friends as such I always speak to them if I see them.

_bunny_ · Answer

Ima be real ok if you become friends with your ex you were either never in love or still are I'm only friends with the exs I was never in love with and its only one but we were like little kids lol so that's why were still friends but that what I believe and a lot of my friends agree at least the ones still friends with there ex's

ravdeep91 · Answer

ummm not really as what happened with me was that after having a relationship for 7 years when we broke up, it was really hard for us to keep the feelings low for each other. we understood each other but it's hard to be friends. you can be friends if you are sure that you won't get physical with that person again. if the physical thing is happening again after break up also then there's no point as you might be cheating your current partner!!

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