HER: ". . . but you're a great guy and we can stay friends." HIM: "Bite me!"

[OlderAndWiser]

Blonde is thinking "friend, my ass! That's the competition!"

One of the long-standing debates on this site concerns whether you should try to maintain a friendship with an ex after a breakup. The PC approved answer, if you are into regurgitating answers, is "of course you should. It's a sign of respect." Let's think this thing through!

First, are you REALLY breaking up or is this just a game that you play to hurt each other? If this isn't a real break up and it's just another chapter in your drama-filled life, the rest of what I say below is not about you.

Some games are more painful than others!

Obviously, it's not always possible. If you unexpectedly came home early and caught him doing the in-and-out with your little sister, it's a pretty safe bet that you aren't going to be having lunch with him next week or next year.

"This isn't what it looks like. I can explain!"

Or if she dumped you to move in with her ex-husband, you aren't going to have much of a role in her life going forward. Fortunately, not all break ups happen as a result of a traumatic incident that cuts like a knife.

So let's assume that it is possible for some exes. Is it advisable?

Why did you break up? She just didn't have time to spend with you, or she didn't like any of your friends. You thought his music was dumb AF and it was stupid that he went out in the woods shooting at animals. After you are no longer dating . . . he's still going to be the same dumb fuck. Or she's going to be the same bitch that she was last week when you broke up.

Please tell me that this person does not really exist!

Why would you choose someone who is incompatible with you to be your friend?

Maybe you broke up because of sexual incompatibility, like . . . you wanted sex and she didn't. Or he always wanted quickies that did nothing for you. Yes, this issue, by itself, does not lead to the conclusion that you could not be friends. But there are many other reasons.

Who initiated the break up? You did. So why did you suggest that you could still be friends? Because you didn't want to hurt her feelings and TOTALLY reject her? When you said, "but we could still be friends," what she heard was "there's a chance that I might change my mind and want to date you again, so why don't you stick around for awhile and we'll see what happens."

Have you ever done this?

And maybe she heard that message because that is the message you were trying to send to her. Maybe you really aren't sure that the break up is what you really want.

Who initiated the break up? She did, or he did. You're not sure it's really over and, if you stay in touch with her, you'll have a chance to try to show her that breaking up is the wrong thing to do.

Now you're going to just "hang out" and be friends. But this is the girl to whom you were strongly attracted and that attraction doesn't disappear overnight. She's still got that hot body and cute face and those lovely . . . STOP!

Friends - platonic friends - do not have sex, and they don't kiss, and they don't hold hands, so stop it! But it's not that easy.

There's someone new in your life! Yes, you finally met the cute guy in your psychology class and he asked for your number. You've texted a bit and after class today, he asked you if you wanted to "hang out" Friday night and get a pizza and the local pizza joint. And then you remember, and you tell him, "I'd love to, but I already promised my ex that we could meet up for dinner. How 'bout Saturday night?" you innocently suggest. At that moment, if you could look inside his head, you would see the wheels moving extremely fast, dreaming up an excuse for Saturday night because he just heard the big warning sign that he can't ignore: you are still involved with an ex.

That's probably not going anywhere.

But . . . wait!!! You don't have to tell him about hanging out with your ex. You could just make up an excuse and not tell him the truth. But I don't recommend that unless you are just looking for a casual encounter and routinely justify lying to others. Telling a lie to a prospective partner before your first date is NOT the right way to start trying to build something with someone new.

Liar, liar . . .

Eventually, they'll learn about your ex and it will be very suspicious that you hid that little nugget of information from them.

There's someone new in her life (or his life!) So when you get together Sunday for lunch, well, you're just a friend and that's the kind of news that friends share, so . . . she starts blabbing about how "dreamy" he is (do girls still use that word?) and how wonderful the date was and blah, blah, blah. Do you REALLY want to pretend that you want to hear about Mr. Wonderful? Because you know you don't! And the longer you pretend, the more difficult it will be to contain yourself.

Now you find out that they're having sex! Maybe he didn't tell you directly, but he forgot to call you or didn't respond to a text so you went by his apartment and he wasn't there, and when you finally see him, he says he was over at Amber's place, and he was obviously there overnight, and you KNOW he wasn't sleeping on that damned sofa.

And in the midst of all this, you are supposed to at least pretend that you are being friends and enjoying it!

What could possibly go wrong?

[Keyboardkat]

If you are hurting, remaining "friends" will only result in more hurt for you. You will have to be around while they are dating others and maybe falling for one of them, and you will remember the great times you had and you will know that he/she was once yours and will never be again. That really hurts! That really weeping-your-eyes-out-wailing hurts! It's better to just cut it. Spend a day or to indulging yourself in a pity party, and then, start fresh. Take a course, work on your abs, take up a musical instrument, join a new club, anything that interests you. But DON'T DATE yet! Not for maybe even a year. Why? Because you're not free of your ex. And you will use your new dating partner as a band-aid, to be discarded after you're feeling better. And they might really want you. It's NOT FAIR to do that to someone. I was guilty of this myself several decades ago, and the guilt I feel about the way I hurt that person will haunt me all my days. I wish I could find her so I could apologize and ask forgiveness, but I don't think that would turn out well, either.
You'll know when you're ready for someone else. When you can hear your ex's name without feeling a knife in your chest, or a punch in your gut. When you can see them on the street without crossing the street to avoid having to meet and make small talk with them (this one might take longer). I've been there and I know!

[OlderAndWiser]

Nothing else teaches with the same horribly efficiency as experience!

[Keyboardkat]

Wisdom often comes too late. And it doesn't come cheap!

[OlderAndWiser]

Indeed.

[Xkrapollo35]

Nice advice

[DiegoO]

There is nothing bad in being friend with an ex, if you breakup in good terms. It doesn't have to be in the best friends cathegory.

Been able to convert those romantic feelings to friendship, is a sign of maturity, however, I can understand most would rather move completely to the next page. With my ex, at first I wanted to be her friend, then time let me know we wouldn't get along as friends (lied to me for one entire year, she is racist, and has a seriously f*ck*d up emotional roller coaster).

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, it is possible, just not very likely. The more likely outcome is something like what you experienced.

[DiegoO]

Thanks for the MHO

[Anonymous]

Yeah I think this is pretty honest. But I do think that if it was more life circumstances that broke you up then after a few months so the emotional aspects have faded, you could rebuild a friendship of you've both moved on with others, so long as you’re still not having regrets about not being with each other.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, when two people break up because of circumstances unrelated to the relationship - like high school sweeties going to college in different states for four years - that is the one time when trying to maintain or rekindle a relationship makes sense.

[Opinion Owner]

I also think some people can be good friends but not necessarily compatible partners too.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, but if one of them was heavily infatuated or in love with the other, remaining friends won't work. Or if the relationship had become sexual, remaining friends usually doesn't work.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah I agree, this happened to me and a guy in the military when our work took us in different directions years ago. We’re still acquainted on social media but I don’t think we could be strictly platonic friends in person. We’re both dating others now and i do genuinely want him to be happy, but we couldn’t be close friends as it wouldn’t be fair on our partners.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah that’s true, I agree there.

[Opinion Owner]

I think for me if we’d been sexual in time I’d be okay going back to being friends so long as there were no more romantic or sexual feelings there.

[OlderAndWiser]

Most people who have been in a sexual relationship can't revert to seeing their former partner in a purely non-sexual way. They can pretend for awhile, but when you start talking about the new boyfriend who spent the night and how amazing he was, then their true feelings are going to come out.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, that’s probably because they have those feelings for them.

[Opinion Owner]

But why would you need to talk so deep about sex with each other too? Aren’t your sex lives kinda more private? Mine and my friends tend to be.

[OlderAndWiser]

Some friends share enough details about relationships that you know when they are in a sexual relationship, when their date spent the night, etc.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah knowing someone spent the night is standard but I don’t think that necessarily means deep details.

[Opinion Owner]

Not for me and my friends at least anyway.

[OlderAndWiser]

It would be enough to set me off if I was still in love with the girl.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah that’s totally understandable if you still love them.

[Keyboardkat]

The problem is, it is absolutely possible to really love someone who is completely wrong for you! And you can't disengage willingly, even if you know they're wrong for you, because you love them too much! THAT really stinks! As someone once said, "Love" is a four-letter word!

[msbrightness]

It is a... christian effort thing.
Do you just walk away or spend energy on a hedgehog that is scared (and scarred) to help them heal (they will poke at your vulnerabilities instead of protecting them as a whole/holly person would)

[OlderAndWiser]

You are not necessarily doing them a favor by hanging around after a break up.

[coachTanthony]

Asking to stay friends is usually a nervous response meant to make the other person feel better. No reason to remain friends. The longer you disconnect from that person the quicker you will heal and move on.

[Anonymous]

Good take, man! But I will pass on being friends. I am kind of in this situation. Basically:

-Ex and I dated for 3 (almost 4 years)

-Last October, she told me she was depressed and wasn't feeling the relationship at the time and wanted to take a "break". She said when she figures things out, we will get back together.

-We remained in contact and went out and did things every once in a while. Lots of hugging, kissing and holding hands still.

-Then, in December, she decided to have sex with someone else. Just a one night stand. I was crushed.

-After that, she started becoming cold towards me. We continued going out here and there. We had sex a couple times, but she didn't seem into it. She also stated referring our dates as "hangouts" and started calling me "bro", "buddy" and "pal". When we texted, she took hours to reply. When I called her to talk, she would try to rush me off the phone.

-After I confronted her about it in March... she lashed out at me that in our relationship, my love wasn't enough and she told me that she didn't feel affection from me. She told me she loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore. She said that she wasn't sure about her feelings towards me at the moment and said she that I was the best boyfriend she ever had and feels our relationship would work better as friends and she needs to still figure things out.

That was all I needed to hear. Last time I spoke to her was in March. I've been in no contact, and I am not reaching out to her until she reaches out to me. The way I see it... she wants to explore her options this summer and keep me on the back burner if her options don't work out. I am not settling for 2nd place and I am not going to wait around while she "figures it out". So... no... I will not be "friends" with her as she fucks other guys and keeps me around as her beta male provider.

This stuff is real man. Check out this video:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/GTpEm_PXLqQ

[MrWolf]

I do wonder and ask myself do those kind of people enjoy torture or are straight forward dumb asf!

I've heard this been told this thousand and more times we can still be friends? Like hell no! Ain't because I'm suffer or the other will! It's because doesn't make sense ain't right it's a waste of time!

But sure most like to play the pain game suffer in silence as long as your close to the person who stabbed you in the hearth or you stabbed her/him?

People never learn nor they will! And all say we can be friends i keep in touch With my ex's and all that crap? Like why whould you even?

Your done! It's all lost it was all a waste of time so move on and don't be the sheep on slaughter!

Stop and think for a second there! You/, Her/Him destroyed all those sweet moments you had and burned those bridges for a reason!

So move on and grow up a little bit and learn from it!

Once betrayed or betraying someone will lead to it to happen again! Because it's in our nature to be like this!

Your take was indeed wonderful and a lot of things can be said but isn't worth the waste of words because we all know the end result to that one!

[townhouse]

So many different plays how to really know pray to what ever god u do

[MrWolf]

We all pray at certain no way back moment's? For this I won't waste a prayer tbh!

Like hell no

[Belgie]

Some of my exes are still my friends. One for example, had to do with distance. (Not a long distance relationship, exactly.) I was a college student with no car, she lived one county over. We saw each other plenty when she worked in my city, but when she lost her job, she didn't get into the city so much and I found it awkward as hell to visit her. We broke up, but we weren't nasty about it - it just didn't work.

Another one was a little sadder, but still not acrimonious. I was working 40 - 50 hours a week, and not really mentally unplugging from the office. She mentioned it more than once. Kept trying to get me to unwind and detach from the job. One evening over dinner, she was asking me what I was thinking about, and I started talking about this problem at work. I got very animated and excited because it was a very cool problem (in my mind anyway). And at the end, she gave me this long speech about how she thought I was very driven and ambitious and she loved that about me, but all this time she'd spent trying to get me to unplug so I could spend time with her, was pointless. I clearly loved my job. I wasn't going to unplug from it because it was stressful. I loved it too much. And I probably loved the job more than I loved spending time with her.

Until she said it, I had no idea that was true. When she said it, I absolutely saw the truth of it. And I couldn't say she was wrong. So we kind of sat there and finished the dinner and agreed she needed a guy who wanted to spend time with her more than he wanted to further his career. How could I object to that? We're still in touch, and on good terms, but I wouldn't call her a friend exactly.

The reasons for breaking up matter - the maturity of the persons matters. But it's not always a bad idea.

[ragooo8]

Largely depends on the manner of the break up and why. Sometimes relationships aren't going anywhere or there's distance involved, sometimes couples bring out the worst in each other and its possible to remain friends through that but
If one wanted to break up and the other didn't if one was cheating, if there was abuse involved and so on that wouldn't work espicially if you were the guy being broken up with, cheated on or abused.
Often women like to remain friends after a break up to keep their ex as a life vest or a back up or as a resource to use.

[OlderAndWiser]

"Yeah, I'd love to go out with you Friday night, but I'm having dinner with my ex." That really scores points with the new lady that you're dating!

[Lliam]

To me, being friends doesn't have mean hanging out or doing things together. It just means not being enemies. We can still be civil to each other and even like each other without having a close connection. But it depends on what precipitated the breakup.

I've broken up with girlfriends just because I decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with them and decided to move on. I didn't hate them or anything. And they were quite civil about it.
One ex married one of my best friends and we all remained good friends. A couple of old girlfriends even connected with me years later on Facebook and I was really happy to reconnect like old friends.

[YourFutureEx]

This.

[Finchie40]

For me it just comes down to why we broke up , I wouldn’t really consider my exes as friends , acquaintances yes. But not really friends , A friend to me is someone I want to spend time with , hang out with go places together , I don’t want to do that with my exes , if I ran into an ex That cheated on me or we just broke up cuz we didn’t have much in common , I would still say hi to her and ask her how she was doing. But I wouldn’t ask her
To hang out and go places with me lol and if I am in another relationship with someone else then out of respect I don’t even attempt to talk to an ex , why it’s best to move on and start a new journey in your life instead of holding onto something that isn’t there anymore

[Dragonpurple]

I can tell you personally, all of mine we stayed friends... but that faded with time until contact was lost. With the exception of my evil ex wife, I refused to stay friends with someone who cheated on me.

The rest, some still friends to this day, others long lost contacts but if we do by chance run into each other, we start chatting like old friends again.

[OlderAndWiser]

You are the exception to the rule, perhaps because of your age. I think it becomes a bit easier to do that as you get some maturity.

[Browneye57]

A woman will keep a guy in her life 'as a friend' if he kisses her ass, does shit for her, and validates her. She has zero romantic or sexual interest. Why he hangs on, no one has any idea, but usually it's clinging to a futile hope that one day she'll change her mind and give him some sympathy-sex. Ain't never happening. In fact, once a woman loses the vag-tingles for a guy, or if she never had them to begin with, they're NEVER coming back. EVER. It's the way their brain is wired. No more HOTS for HIM!!

If a woman wants to get with a guy she'll break every rule in the book to do it.
If she doesn't, she'll make up a new rule every day why she can't.

[Anonymous]

Really? Just move on. Don't rationalize and try to reason with that shit, and please don't go on and on, like you are still pining for her, when she dumped you!

Whichever one breaks up with the other, and says, "we should stay friends" is a lying fck, and we all know it, and when a woman says it, she just wants you as a backup, when the dude she is dumping you for turns out to be the loser prick that you think he is!
Yeah, in your wet dream, she comes back, and begs you to have her, as she really only loved you! Believe that, and put on the panties, because you are her bitch now.

Break-ups are that: break ups. Each goes a different way. Some can part well, and never see each other, ever again, and that is the best!

Staying "friends" and in each other's lives, well, that's the dumbest idea ever!

Didn't some of the mass shooters kill innocent people because some girl dumped them, or something like that?

[Kaeleigh1]

Yikes!

[Opinion Owner]

@Kaeleigh1 "Yikes" why, and how?

[etexbearkat]

It's certainly possible. My dad's sister and her ex are good terms. There's a reason for it too, as they have three grandchildren. Before I officially dated a woman, and if I realized she and I weren't a good fit as romantic partners, I would ask her if she wanted to remain friends. My best friend and I met on a dating website, and we ultimately realized we just weren't a good match in terms of a romantic relationship, but we are great friends.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, having children together changes the equation entirely.

[EssenceOfLight]

If someone asks me "should I be friends with my ex?" my reply is no. If you're socially so incompetent that you can't win other people as friends, she/he will never be real friend of yours. If you can easily win friends, why bother with your ex who has very likely some aversion towards your personality?
Maybe there are relationships where people break up because of having miserable sex with each other, but most breakups have other reasons. As you mentioned, those other reason are very often counter productive to sustain a sincere friendship.

[genericname85]

ah come on. don't make it so complicated. just end the relationship when you break up. including the "friends" relationship. no hassle. easier for everyone involved and considereing there have to be major issues for you breaking up, it's probably for the best.

[OlderAndWiser]

Damned right!

[wouterv]

I am Friends with my ex and her now boyfriend this has been the case for a long time and me and her get along great it was a right person wrong time thing but every i leave a party we are Both at i get really sad she still sometimes says everything would have been better if she didn't leave me that hurts most but i can't leave her as a Friend we shared to mutch

[OlderAndWiser]

Your prolonged pain is precisely what I was talking about.

[wouterv]

Yes i thought i would share

[pleasestopthis]

This was a very nice take and I agree with everything you wrote here. Maybe my mind is not wired to be friends with a man who used to be my lover and my sexual partner. How can I pretend to have something 100% platonic with someone I had so much history with?

[Sam_Not_Simon]

This is real life and not a sitcom. The Jerry and Eliane relationship is the furtherest thing from real life. Very good take as usual.

[OlderAndWiser]

It is always nice to be appreciated.

[worldscolide]

you're right here.. I do not do friend zone. Period. She says those words, and my response is "Im sorry i dont do friends" and i cut all contact with her, and treat her like she does not exist.. You wold not believe how many times they have come crawling back and were met with "Sorry you had your chance"

[Dontaaa]

I just see this all as a reason of why I don't like dating.

So much stuff when you just want to be with someone that loves you and wants you amf feel the same way.

Not worth iy.

[Dontaaa]

it**

[OlderAndWiser]

Doesn't matter to me if you don't want to try.

[Dontaaa]

@OlderAndWiser you say that as if you have something against me.

Anyways, I've tried before.

[OlderAndWiser]

I've got nothing against you and don't know you. Often, when people make that statement, they say it as a challenge, hoping that someone is going to try to convince them that they should keep trying. I've never take the bait.

But if you really don't want to date, it doesn't make a difference to me. You've gotta decide what's right for you.

[LadiesGun]

69. Hmmmm. Intresting

[Twalli]

You can be friends after a break up, but it takes time. My girlfriend's ex is still a great person (well her first one us, the next two aren't). They weren't friends for a few years after breaking up but about a year ago they started talking again online and are now friends. No chance of getting back together, but enough time has passed that the wounds from the relationship have healed.

[Anonymous]

My relationships are only with women who are my friends and Christian. We either get closer or not, no break ups. I have six friends my age and more older. The woman I'm getting to know better is one of the six and if our relationship continues to grow, marriage is an option.