My boyfriend still gets gifts from his ex. Is this acceptable?

Hello all. I am at a crucial point in my almost 2 year relationship.

My bf's ex sends him gifts occasionally. I put my foot down after the second time he got something from her. I know they talk frequently...a few times a week. He used to talk to her in front of me or give me the phone and read the text she sent him. But lately, he has been doing this behind my back. She lives very far away and there has been no physical contact between the two of them in about a year and a half...meaning they haven't been in the same room together. I feel that the gifting is disrespectful to me and I don't know what to do. I do care that he talks to her behind my back and not in front of me. He told me not to make her into something she is not but I can't help but to think that he is keeping her as an option. Any advice would be appreciated!
Updates:
Well, he got another gift. This time, I didn't say a word and acted as if everything was OK. He denied knowing that it was coming. I simply said...well I did. It was delivered by a mutual friend who called me to arrange the drop off time. Think I will let it go. She's just not worth my time! LOL

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Honestly, gifts don't matter that much to guys. We're not like girls in that way. Gifts and cards and what not, are highly transient things. The average guy will bin a card he receives (even his girlfriends Valentines day card) in a shockingly inappropriate short time, where as girls can hang on to cards and gifts for decades. I've seen it happen myself.

    A friend of mine still has a little porcelain dog I bought her as a gift more than 20 years ago. It was a couple of bucks at most, but she's kept it through 4 house moves and a marriage. And believe me, she doesn't harbour any unresolved romantic feelings towards me. Girls just see gifts in a different way to guys.

    I think the boyfriends comment is quite valid here : don't make her into something she's not.

    He means, don't make her into a threat or a rival. If you start acting like Queen Bitch of the hive, and he still talks to her a few times a week, he will wind up telling her about the problems between you two. And that puts his ex in the picture of being a shoulder to cry on. A comfort. And you don't want that.

    Let him have his texts and gifts, and let your attitude be known by calm words - like "Isn't it sad, she doesn't have a man in her life that she can divert all this generosity towards?"

    Don't start attacking him, and whatever you do, don't try and lay down some ultimatum. It's the fastest way to get a guy to dump you.

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    • I would agree with you. I feel that, at the end of the day, has no control over someone else. Besides, who doesn't like a free t-shirt and a box of cookies every now and again. That is the approach I am going to use since he said for me not to turn her into something she is not.

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What Guys Said 2

  • Anything behind the back is a sign of disloyalty and you sholdn't accept it. Gifts by themselves aren't a threat; maybe this is just her style. But your boyfriend shouldh't be whispering to her behind your back; that IS a threat to your relationship. I doubt the girl knows she's a problem, even.

    Biut if it weren't her, he'd be chatting up someone else, I think!

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    • Thank you! The girl does know she is a problem. She is very much that type of girl. She has to be the center of attention and she will stop at no means to get it. We had all gone to dinner...myself, him, my ex's ex, her husband, and his ex. She pulled him aside and whispered to him not to hold my hand or put his hand in my lap as she still has feelings for him. So she is definitely an in your face kind of girl!

    • He really shouldn't be listening to her if she's that type! It's diosrespectfuful to you

  • Its not fair to you and you should ask him to tell her to back off and ask him to come clean if there's something that he's hiding. You can't really ask him to not talk to her but you could ask him to mellow it down a little I suppose. 2 years is long enough for you to be able to question things and set your foot down on certain things.

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    • But if I mention it to him, it will come across as jealousy. I am taking the back seat. If he truly wants her, then it will come out and he's not worth my time.

What Girls Said 2

  • Inappropriate, for the gifts and he should talk to her for his birthday and her b-day. Not good. You should start talking to your ex and see if he likes that.

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  • I am on the other side of the story. He and I dated and now he has a girlfriend. We send emails everyday to each other, he is the shoulder I cry on, he is always there for me, I send him gifts, but that doesn´t mean that I am in love with him. I have a great appreciation toward him being my true friend during hard times. I know his ex, and I don´t really like her, but that is why I keep my distance and no coffees, no dinners, no seeing each other anywhere or phone calls with him because I don´t want to cause him trouble in his relationship. If he has shared with her about me, that I don´t know, and I never ask him about her or their relationship and he never mentiones her to me either. Personally, I don´t see her being the problem but the attitude that your boyfriend has toward that friendship.

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