Is it ok that my boyfriend receives gifts and notes from his ex and keeps them?

[Anonymous]

Hey folks! I need an advice as I am at a turning point in my relationship. I am together with my boyfriend for one year now and long story short I am considering to move to another country for him as he got relocated with his work. While reorganizing his place few days ago I found few notes from his ex (they broke up few years ago) well preserved in his bookshelf. One of them was from his birthday (we were already together for few months). He told me that they are in good terms as unfortunately their relationship ended as she moved to another continent (distance was too long). Although I find these messages from his ex too “friendly” as she is saying that she misses him and she wishes to be part of his future adventures and challenges. I went crazy when I read the messages closing with “love, Her Name”. We talk about this and ofc those notes came with gifts. On the spot this news left me speechless as he never mentioned his girlfriend was still sending him gifts. I find this all situation very disrespectful towards our relationship. I mean…it’s ok being in good terms with his ex but this is crossing the lines for me. I brought up the topic immediately, even saying sorry for reading the notes but he was a bit shady in his answers saying that they just have a very good relationship given the strong connection between them. Now, I feel like he didn’t reassured me at all. I don't know if more of this gifts and notes are coming (I am already imaging this happening when and if we will be living together), I don't know if he is doing the same for her birthday and I don't know why is keeping all these notes with such a care. I would definitely avoid moving to another country for a guy that has still (maybe only platonically) feelings for another person. Any thoughts would be really appreciated!!!

Updates

+1 y

Quick updated after another talk: he told me that he didn’t even remember those notes and that he doesn’t have feelings for this person but she was an important one from his past so that’s why his keeping notes and gifts. He told her to stop sending this stuff when the birthday one came as he’s now with another person (me). This I believe was the most important thing to say in the first place but he basically didn’t as he was “overwhelmed” during our first discussion. I think this is bullshit

Updates

+1 y

Second update of this telenovela is that he said he needs to clean up stuff. He made notes disappear and he’s now also deleting pictures with his ex from his social media. Does this guy make sense? I think I must have hit my head very hard when I started dating him, thinking also to move country for him.

Updates

+1 y

One and a half year later, I have relocated with him and we are getting married next August. Checking something on his phone for the wedding I found out he was planning to spend a NYE with his ex while already dating with me, trip that never happened because she couldn’t fly due to covid restrictions. I found out many other things he never told me about her and the relationships kept going on for a while. I tried to get in contact with her for clarifications but she refused to talk to me.…

[fivetoes]

Here's my take on your situation and a bit of advice as I'm sure you already know.
Don't move to another country for him! However now that you have read the notes and know that there have been gifts sent with them, I say pack up your own belongings and relocate by yourself wherever you wish. Her sending notes and gifts along with him keeping them is a red flag as far as I see it, she admits that she misses him and wishing to be part of his future adventures. You don't need this type of situation in your life, she still cares about the guy, and I sense that he still cares for her by keeping her gifts and notes with not one ounce of thought how it's affecting you. This whole situation is disrespectful in terms of your relationship with him and having her sending the notes (along with gifts on occasion) just adds to already 'brewing pot' that one day is going to boil over and burn you.
You'd be far better off without this guy, change the situation for yourself. I wouldn't trust him or even her for that matter. Platonic feelings or not, he's still connected to her doesn't matter if she moved to the moon! Do you really want to be with a guy who has kept those notes a secret from you by carefully placing them where he more than likely didn't think that you would find them?
I could be wrong about this situation or totally correct. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't bother staying with this person. You need to get out, don't look back. Go live your life, don't live it for someone else who might one day tell you she's moving to wherever he is and you're out of the picture!
I could go on, though am sure you know exactly what I mean. Life is short enough, go live yours. Perhaps one day when you least expect it, someone will be there for you. My mother once told me that there's someone for all of us on this planet. Take care of YOU!! Don't ever apologize for your actions, you don't owe him anything. You owe yourself some happiness.

[Asker]

You are right. Your question is what I am asking myself for days now. I told him that my boyfriend doesn’t receive messages like that or gifts from his ex. This is not what I want and what I deserve. If he does that then well he cannot be my boyfriend. I know relationships are made of compromises and people sometimes make mistakes but I also want I man standing by my side not a stupid kid that cannot let things go in life. Respect is something very important but these days people prefer to lie rather that face the consequences of their actions.

[PrettyPriya]

This does not sound okay to me at all. It sounds like they are both still holding onto feelings and this is her way of keeping a hold on him in some capacity. I could understand if they were friends and it was infrequent. However, you seem to indicate it happens quite often.

Nothing wrong at all keeping in touch with an ex and being friendly with them. Depending on the nature of the notes, that is what would have me concerned. If they are harmless back and forth, that means they are just friends. If it is more along the lines of what you said about her wanting to be in his life, that could be an indication that there are still those strong feelings.

While there is no reason they cannot be friends, if there are such strong feelings, that means that he isn't 100% invested in your relationship. He is still wanting for what he had while trying to have feelings for you as well.

The fact that you are going to move to a new country for him tells me he needs to make a choice and tell you that they will keep it to friendly emails and maybe a birthday gift or something. I think that is acceptable for two people that were once together and friendly.

[Asker]

Just to give you a bit more context the first note was basically her congratulating with him for having bought his new apartment (six months before meeting me more or less) and she was mentioning also sending goodies from Japan (where she currently lives). Second one was for his birthday this year (he was together with me) and both of them containing important words as mentioned. This make me think there are in close contact all the time as he also updates her on buying an apartment, gave her his new address and such. I have no idea what and how deep is their connection on the phone as I believe they are also texting at least. On his side what hurts me a lot is that he kept these notes together one another in a specific section of his bookshelf. Upper shelf is basically my section where he keeps a couple of pictures of us and my note for his birthday…. I mean I don’t wanna be the next shelf to fill for him. We are talking about building a future together and yet he seems to be stuck in his past. I will for sure talk to him again as I need to know who I am dating!

[PrettyPriya]

This sounds like a case of them not wanting to have had to break up. Sounds to me she may have been forced to move for some reason? If so, I am guessing why this deep connection they still have. While I don't see any issues remaining long distance friends, the rather deep, meaningful talk needs to be shelved.

What are you to think about someone that is hanging on to a past love? I am not sure what I would think about that. It is one thing to be friendly and keep in touch. It is a totally other thing to have emotions for that person yet still move onto dating (you). That is really on the border of emotional cheating.

He needs to make a choice, not date and hang onto the "more than friends" relationship he has with this ex, even though distant or decide to focus his emotional connection on you and just be friendly with the ex. No reason they can't exchange emails about life and what is going on from time to time.

Constant though? Nope. Wouldn't fly with me. Especially not with the expectation of someone moving to another country for him. Best of luck and I'd be happy to expand on anything if it helps.

[PrettyPriya]

Ref updates: I normally don’t curse. This is a rare exception. He is full of shit he didn’t remember the notes. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

'I am considering to move to another country for him as he got relocated with his work.'

Do not do it. You are very lucky the universe allowed you to get a glimpse of who he truly is... disloyal. His emotion, thoughts and energy are going elsewhere and he is unable to make a clean break. This is a major redflag and if you ignore it now, you will pay. Also note that this has all been done behind your back. Anything that a partner does they feel they need to hide... they know it's questionable and / or wrong. He will try to downplay it, dismiss it, and may even label you as the one with the problem... do not listen. Just be thankful you discovered this before you relocated... not all are as lucky.

[Asker]

Funny thing is that when he found out about his company relocating him he first proposed a long distance relationship as in the past for him had worked. When he was with his ex for a while before she moved to another continent they where in separate country. So he was already making the comparison. I told him that at 30yo and I do not take distance relationships as I want to build for the future. Then he proposed me to go with him. You are right I am lucky! Not going anywhere for now!

[Opinion Owner]

Not going anywhere for now? So there is a chance you still might do so...

In fact, although a completely different situation, this takes me back to a friend of mine. She met this guy and they were around the same ages (30's). I spotted some major redflags (he was emotionally unavailable) and warned her. She moved in with the guy in the end and 7 years later she is moving out and getting her own place. She said she couldn't face admitting the redflags and was afraid to read the book I recommended until 7 years later.

Even if a guy proposes you go with him, it doesn't mean he's serious.

[AviatorTom]

After 20+ years of marriage, we amicably divorced. We still keep in touch and see each other at family events. Each of us has moved on and in our own separate long-term relationships. Interestingly, I've met her SO (she introduced us at a family wedding) but she has no desire to meet my SO.

It's okay to stay in touch with an ex, but your boyfriend's situation is too personal. You have every right to be concerned (especially if you're about to move to another country with him), and he should understand that, and let his ex know to stop sending the personal notes and gifts.

[Pinay_ako]

First of all, she should respect the fact he’s in a new relationship now and not with her! Second, looks like your man is still not over her because he has gave given her the impression and permission that the door is still wide open for her to enter. Lastly, if you feel cheated, then you are. And hey do not move countries for someone who hasn’t moved on from their old flame! Sorry

[Asker]

He said she didn’t know until after the birthday note and gift to which he replied she should stop has he has a new girlfriend. Still I think this relationship with them even after the breakup went way to far! As of my knowledge they broke up 4 years ago so they kept this kind of contact for 4 years after they broke up…it’s hard to stop afterwards!

[Pinay_ako]

For 4 years, he never told her about you? 🤔 so sneaky and shady..

[Stars12122]

Don't move for this guy. I had almost the exact same thing happen to me. My boyfriend was getting texts and notes from his ex. He said the same things to me about them being "friends" and in reality he liked the ego boost. He still had pictures up on his social media with them holding hands. Meanwhile we were together for over a year and he had no pictures of me there.

I finally wised up and dumped him. I will tell you what I learned the hard way. This guy still has feeling for his ex and is playing dumb to keep you around. If he really liked you and didn't have feelings for his ex he wouldn't have kept the notes and he would have stopped contact with her. He knows that her saying "I miss you" in notes and gifts isn't what friends do. He likes the attention. Run while you can.

[Asker]

Same here. He never post stuff with me on social media. Now, it doesn’t mean anything per se but he’s a active user of social media and with his ex he had few pictures. I also understand the ego boost that this sort of friendship with his ex showing love in her notes gave him over the years after their breakup. I honestly wished he would have stopped after starting the relationship with me. Also he confessed me that she knew before me that he is relocating to another country. I mean I remember when he first told me he was moving, I was broken then we discussed it and I decided to consider the move as well. This is not ok. This is not friendship, this is something more. I am also in good terms with some of my exes, I wish them happy birthday, cheer for their job or major life achievement if I see them on socials or so. I never even thought of sending them gifts or tell them I miss them and I would like to be part of their future…

[Stars12122]

Yes, I think you already know the truth deep down. I think you wish it wasn't the case. Trust your instinct, this is not an appropriate friendship.

If he put your feelings above his ego this would not be happening. He might like you but he likes the ego boost more than he cares about you. There are men out there who won't do this to you. Don't settle with this guy, you deserve better.

[Changiis07]

I would definitely reconsider moving in with him. I understand if they left on good terms but for me it would not be okay for him to be keeping all these letters and gifts from her. I would want some reassurance or expect for him to throw them away. So I'm glad you said something but I would def be careful if his answers weren't that convincing either. They seem to have part ways because of distance so it means the relationship was still good. I would say try to have another serious conversation about it. Possibly tell him you can't move unless he reassures you and throws them away

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I definitely need to have another conversation with him as the situation is not clear at all!

[Changiis07]

Go with your heart and pray about it too before you talk to him. That way if he is for you the conversation will flow and you will know. Also tell him what your requirements are so that he knows you will be okay with or without him

[Anonymous]

I don't get rid of photos or letters from my past, my past is mine and what molds me. I'm still great friends with most of my ex's, and we still exchange birthday and Christmas gifts, and a couple still come to my birthday parties at the club I work at... That said, our gifts are usually either gags or booze.

The notes, though, are generally heart felt and signed with love, but my current girlfriends rarely get upset for a few reasons.

1. These people are my ex's for a reason, and I am faithful.
2. This shows them that even if we don't make it as a couple, we will likely still be friends.
3. They know my exs.

We are a part of a community that has little problem with polyamory, recognizes that every dynamic is unique, and values honesty above all else.

[Asker]

I don’t get rid of stuff from the past either but yeah, that’s the past. The problem o think is when the past is mixing with the present in this way. I am not upset because he kept old notes, I am upset because he’s still receiving gifts and notes.

To answer to your specific case:
1. This person is indeed his ex, but they were kinda force to breakup for long distance not because the relationship didn’t work out.
2. Not everyone is interested or capable to keep strong friendship after a relationship. I believe for one of the two parts it’s really hard to move on otherwise.
3. I don’t know this person.

[Opinion Owner]

And the lovey-dovey notes aren't okay... That said, being in a different country she's probably a little homesick and lonely not knowing anyone. People get feels confused sometimes.

[Asker]

Actually she came back to her home country in Asia from EU. That’s why they broke up.

[LovingLoverReturned]

She is not trustable and would be on my hitlist- I mean enemy list.. just kidding... but How does HE respond? That's more important. Does he in a sense ""giggle"" meaning he is being warm to her, what does he say about her missing him etc... nevertheless communicate with him... I'd tell him how I really feel... if things continue unfavorably, I'd break up.

[LovingLoverReturned]

Remind him you are a woman and know better than any man how women flirt. If he cares about you, he'd distance from his snake ex... he shouldn't need her gifts.

[Asker]

I told him that form those notes I read between the lines that this girl is still in love with him. He’s defending her saying that she is also dating someone else. I don’t care about her/her current life as long as she doesn’t affect my boyfriend present. Honestly I feel sorry for her. They broke up 4 years ago and she is still sending cheesy notes expressing her love. If she was my friend I would advice her to get some dignity!

[LovingLoverReturned]

People do that all the time. Using their current partner or spouse as a cover to have a lover or to pretend they moved on... She doesn't respect the relationship... when they stop communicating, she will be silent to move on properly...

[DermalPunch]

Oh. Uh uh. Nope. Big problem! I would leave him and his notes together. 99% of the time these are people keeping a connection warm for thwir eventual return to each other. Or the connection was so string and meaningful that they can't do without it. The only love triangle I do is pizza.

[DermalPunch]

Update: who knows. Sometimes guys act like naughty children who are trying not to get in trouble with mom. Maybe he just did that now because the consequence is that he's going to have a problem with you. So he could have very well told her to stop just now because her notes (and the ego boost that he gets from them) are not as important as the relationship with you. Also, he just doesn't want you mad at him. Keep your heart open and your eyes even more open.

[Asker]

Oh he’s definitely a child. When he told me he was overwhelmed by my reaction (I was a super pissed the first time) I told him I am looking for a MAN capable to handle situation not a scared kid. I am 30yo, I don’t wanna babysit my boyfriend and lower my voice when he screw things up.

[DermalPunch]

Well, sometimes men need raising. All of them.

[DermalPunch]

Re second update. You're upset he is erasing her from his life? He is doing exactly what he should be doing. He messed up. He's trying to fix it. Don't be unreasonable.

[Asker]

I am upset because instead of erasing a person from his life from one day to the other when since yesterday they had this great good terms relationship, he should talk to me explaining me better what kind of relationship they are/were having. I don’t care if he now deletes everything that I can see…. I want to know if they are still talking and in which terms!

[DermalPunch]

Men are different than women. Its far more emotional for you than him. It's over for him and he doesn't feel the need to explain it because the consequences he faces from keeping a reminder of it are not beneficial to him. So he is discarding it. Men can do this. They don't have the same depth and breadth of emotional processing in the brain that we do. This is seriously is as good as it's going to get. And anyway, do you want to hear about he thought she was the love of his life and that they would be married forever? You will just be all insecure about something that doesn't matter at all anymore and mess up your whole relationship.

[Asker]

What I mean is the relationship they are still having since he received last note recently. I don’t care about their actual relationship years ago…I care about the relationship they have now as they are clearly still talking!

[DermalPunch]

But he is throwing them out. Is deleting her off socials and said to her stop sending him stuff. What else can he do? I mean seriously.

[FinneasWilson]

When I parted with my ex she'd bought me gifts and sent a couple of letters but when I left her due to her being a narcissist I threw it all away, I don't want constant reminders of her knowing what an idiot I was for staying so long.


I also wouldn't want to keep such things if I ever met someone else as I'd want my new partners gifts and letters not someone who's dead and gone to me.


If you feel it's a deal breaker I'd break it off especially as he's shady about it.

[loveslongnails]

Seems like you've answered your own question.
Yes, I believe you'd be a fool and a tool to move there for him. You're the rebound girl, 100%.

Do yourself a big favor and dump this guy today if you haven't already. He's totally full of shit.

[Puppystarfish23]

Never be anyone's contingency plan. I'm seeing massive red flags and he shouldn't be treating you as second best. What would he do if his ex came back? I see you getting hurt and betrayed if you go ahead with this

[Asker]

That’s exactly how I feel. A second best cause the love of his life move to another continent.

[Puppystarfish23]

Don't chase man who isn't willing to do the same as you

[CallmeTheKnight]

TL;DR
It makes you uncomfortable. So there's a problem. It's actually not ok for an ex to remain in the picture, regardless of the relationship they had. Someone is holding onto hope and the other is giving it...
When things don't add up, subtract yourself.

[Asker]

Honestly, I adore your closing line. I will make it my mantra 😅

[Iron_Man]

I guy like that Should just get together with his ex-girlfriend and not date other girls while he’s confused

[lucas262]

See, I measure it like this. I don't do things that I myself wouldn't like if she did them.

I'd be pissed if her ex sent her gifts, he shouldn't be in the picture at all. I'd at least try to be respectful of her feelings assuming she felt the same way about me.

[Asker]

Yeah I agree. So after his birthday (so when he received note and gift but didn’t say anything) I also got approached by my ex. I was in my hometown visiting my parents and he came looking for me as he wanted to talk. I turn him down saying I was not interested in talking to him and told my boyfriend what happened afterwards. Ok my past relationship was different and didn’t end in very good terms but I felt I had to be honest with my actual boyfriend telling him what happened (actually nothing but you know…). I would honestly expected from him the same. Instead, even after seeing my honesty he keep shits for himself!

[lucas262]

I think all we can do is try to be what we want our partners to be.

I don't know what to tell you about him, but it's good your honest, lot of women today will jeep their ex in contact and that's a deal breaker for me

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they only stopped the relationship because of the distance and emotionally it did not end. What if she came back? What if you have relationship problems? Would he turn to her?
He needs to make it clear who is most important in his life, and be honest with you and himself. It is degrading to feel second best and may eat away at your relationship with him.
You may still have a happy life with him. But you're in your thirties. Have you got time to take chances?

[Asker]

You exactly got my point and I told him the same (we had another chat about the topic). I cannot waste my time with a person that is not worth all this effort. I told him repeatedly since we met that I am not into childish relationships anymore but I would like to meet “the one”. I know I cannot be automatic and he cannot be any person but I really had that vibe with him. At the question “what if she comes back to EU at one point?” He replied that he would only see her for a coffee. I don’t think this answer is so serious considering what’s going on…

[KelleyNice]

You shouldn't snoop but everyone does. If you are troubled over some minor thing like that, since it upsets you, you should terminate the relationship.

[Asker]

I am troubled because I am considering to sort of give up my life to follow him and I want to be sure it’s the right decision. Ofc I am not so naive to think that anything could happen. Maybe we move together to another country and break up after some time. I am willing to take this risk but only with the proper baseline set in our relationship. I feel this baseline is very uncertain atm.

[KelleyNice]

She is part of his past, he's not likely to want to erase it. Nevertheless, since he is deleting pictures with his ex from his social media, it sounds like he is trying to appease you. However, since you feel as you, more likely than not, it will never work out. You expect him to be like you would be and it is not going to happen. She likes him; he may not like her back but he is going to nice. Watch this reject experiment. Women are rude; men are nice about it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmP1ier3R30

In any event, you are right. Unless, he is willing to marry you, don't take the risk of moving to another country with him because, to do that, you need more than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

[7barbieringz]

He's cheating or he's thinking about cheating.

Been in the exact same situation. Men don't want that kind of attention from a women they aren't sexually interested in

[Asker]

Well at least it will be a very expensive hook up since he has to travel to the other side of the world to see her!

[7barbieringz]

Emotional cheating is real, and it's just as damaging as physical cheating. I highly suggest looking into it

[fonduegirl]

That's a maroon flag. I can't believe you're even asking it. Tell that bich that she had her chance and she wasted it, so don't interfere with current relationship because "he was my only bff" or whatever.

[Gent207]

"How to tell if a man-child is over their ex" for 200 Alex!
Who is your ex? Discount Gatsby?

[Citizenkirk]

Breaking up with someone doesn't necessitate becoming enemies. Let them be enjoy each other's friendship.

[Stars12122]

That logic doesn't sound right. Not being friends with someone doesn't make you enemies. You can part amiably and not be friends.

The ex is clearly demonstrating that she has feelings for him and may want more than friendship. That's not a real friendship when one side has different motives. It's also inappropriate for someone in a monogamous relationship to entertain that.

[sheenagwapa]

your concern is legit. if he cannot make you feel safw in the relationship then think twice if yoy really wanna be with this person

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Nope, It's not good. None of my business but I would move on he can't let go of his ex

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

This does not sound good at all sorry.

[Shy_Steve]

That's ridiculous, If you were receiving Gifts and/or Notes from another he most likely wouldn't tolerate it so you Shouldn't either.

[driven159]

If you have any doubts never move to a different country, you could be stuck there you have to be 100% sure which you are not don't move

[TwoToTooTutu2]

I would absolutely take free stuff. No matter if it was from my ex or not.

[lawhawk]

If you feel you can't trust him you should end it. Don't put yourself through that.

[Bruhaaaa]

Obviously he hasn’t moved on that’s a big yikes!! walk away man

[spartan55]

I definitely wouldn't be moving if I were you.

[spartan55]

Update, he showed you who he was, did you pay attention?

[Asker]

He’s showing who he is. Don’t you think?

[spartan55]

Didn't I just say that?

[Avicenna]

It's only OK if you don't mind him getting them

[Asker]

Well ofc I do! I would do in any case to be honest as in my experience I never had a proper friendship after breakups but I could even understand a normal friendship. He is definitely crossing the lines here!

[Avicenna]

Yeah, I agree completely. I'm very good friends with an ex, but we do not exchange presents.

[countrygirl8754]

Maybe they r just friends from now on?

[Asker]

Well when he first told me about this past relationship and mentioned the “good terms” I imagine something different tbh. Reading those notes I could feel emotions and feelings coming out from her words. God knows what he also replied. As a woman I would never tell my ex I wish to be part of his future and that I miss him as it is just misleading…even if we are in good terms/friends. There are boundaries that for me shouldn’t be crossed. Otherwise you are just friend with a person from the beginning!

[Babybebe15]

Oh yeah, big red flag 🚩

[Guy13]

Not okay. It is odd.

[Lycanthropic]

No. That's fucked up.

[Wise4myage]

NO, that is not cool.

[RobEurope]

Yes it is. Its like onlyfans.

[SaartjieJane]

🚩🚩 🚩

[supercutebutt]

It is A-OK. :)

[RuthlessAggression]

Prob. not

[domenico07]

A little bizzare

[WizzardGirl]

Ewww