Is it ok that my boyfriend receives gifts and notes from his ex and keeps them?

Question

Hey folks! I need an advice as I am at a turning point in my relationship. I am together with my boyfriend for one year now and long story short I am considering to move to another country for him as he got relocated with his work. While reorganizing his place few days ago I found few notes from his ex (they broke up few years ago) well preserved in his bookshelf. One of them was from his birthday (we were already together for few months). He told me that they are in good terms as unfortunately their relationship ended as she moved to another continent (distance was too long). Although I find these messages from his ex too “friendly” as she is saying that she misses him and she wishes to be part of his future adventures and challenges. I went crazy when I read the messages closing with “love, Her Name”. We talk about this and ofc those notes came with gifts. On the spot this news left me speechless as he never mentioned his girlfriend was still sending him gifts. I find this all situation very disrespectful towards our relationship. I mean…it’s ok being in good terms with his ex but this is crossing the lines for me. I brought up the topic immediately, even saying sorry for reading the notes but he was a bit shady in his answers saying that they just have a very good relationship given the strong connection between them. Now, I feel like he didn’t reassured me at all. I don't know if more of this gifts and notes are coming (I am already imaging this happening when and if we will be living together), I don't know if he is doing the same for her birthday and I don't know why is keeping all these notes with such a care. I would definitely avoid moving to another country for a guy that has still (maybe only platonically) feelings for another person. Any thoughts would be really appreciated!!!

fivetoes · Accepted Answer

Here's my take on your situation and a bit of advice as I'm sure you already know.
Don't move to another country for him! However now that you have read the notes and know that there have been gifts sent with them, I say pack up your own belongings and relocate by yourself wherever you wish. Her sending notes and gifts along with him keeping them is a red flag as far as I see it, she admits that she misses him and wishing to be part of his future adventures. You don't need this type of situation in your life, she still cares about the guy, and I sense that he still cares for her by keeping her gifts and notes with not one ounce of thought how it's affecting you. This whole situation is disrespectful in terms of your relationship with him and having her sending the notes (along with gifts on occasion) just adds to already 'brewing pot' that one day is going to boil over and burn you.
You'd be far better off without this guy, change the situation for yourself. I wouldn't trust him or even her for that matter. Platonic feelings or not, he's still connected to her doesn't matter if she moved to the moon! Do you really want to be with a guy who has kept those notes a secret from you by carefully placing them where he more than likely didn't think that you would find them?
I could be wrong about this situation or totally correct. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't bother staying with this person. You need to get out, don't look back. Go live your life, don't live it for someone else who might one day tell you she's moving to wherever he is and you're out of the picture!
I could go on, though am sure you know exactly what I mean. Life is short enough, go live yours. Perhaps one day when you least expect it, someone will be there for you. My mother once told me that there's someone for all of us on this planet. Take care of YOU!! Don't ever apologize for your actions, you don't owe him anything. You owe yourself some happiness.

PrettyPriya · Accepted Answer

This does not sound okay to me at all. It sounds like they are both still holding onto feelings and this is her way of keeping a hold on him in some capacity. I could understand if they were friends and it was infrequent. However, you seem to indicate it happens quite often.

Nothing wrong at all keeping in touch with an ex and being friendly with them. Depending on the nature of the notes, that is what would have me concerned. If they are harmless back and forth, that means they are just friends. If it is more along the lines of what you said about her wanting to be in his life, that could be an indication that there are still those strong feelings.

While there is no reason they cannot be friends, if there are such strong feelings, that means that he isn't 100% invested in your relationship. He is still wanting for what he had while trying to have feelings for you as well.

The fact that you are going to move to a new country for him tells me he needs to make a choice and tell you that they will keep it to friendly emails and maybe a birthday gift or something. I think that is acceptable for two people that were once together and friendly.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

'I am considering to move to another country for him as he got relocated with his work.'

Do not do it. You are very lucky the universe allowed you to get a glimpse of who he truly is... disloyal. His emotion, thoughts and energy are going elsewhere and he is unable to make a clean break. This is a major redflag and if you ignore it now, you will pay. Also note that this has all been done behind your back. Anything that a partner does they feel they need to hide... they know it's questionable and / or wrong. He will try to downplay it, dismiss it, and may even label you as the one with the problem... do not listen. Just be thankful you discovered this before you relocated... not all are as lucky.

AviatorTom · Accepted Answer

After 20+ years of marriage, we amicably divorced. We still keep in touch and see each other at family events. Each of us has moved on and in our own separate long-term relationships. Interestingly, I've met her SO (she introduced us at a family wedding) but she has no desire to meet my SO.

It's okay to stay in touch with an ex, but your boyfriend's situation is too personal. You have every right to be concerned (especially if you're about to move to another country with him), and he should understand that, and let his ex know to stop sending the personal notes and gifts.

Pinay_ako · Answer

First of all, she should respect the fact he’s in a new relationship now and not with her! Second, looks like your man is still not over her because he has gave given her the impression and permission that the door is still wide open for her to enter. Lastly, if you feel cheated, then you are. And hey do not move countries for someone who hasn’t moved on from their old flame! Sorry

Stars12122 · Answer

Don't move for this guy. I had almost the exact same thing happen to me. My boyfriend was getting texts and notes from his ex. He said the same things to me about them being "friends" and in reality he liked the ego boost. He still had pictures up on his social media with them holding hands. Meanwhile we were together for over a year and he had no pictures of me there.

I finally wised up and dumped him. I will tell you what I learned the hard way. This guy still has feeling for his ex and is playing dumb to keep you around. If he really liked you and didn't have feelings for his ex he wouldn't have kept the notes and he would have stopped contact with her. He knows that her saying "I miss you" in notes and gifts isn't what friends do. He likes the attention. Run while you can.

Changiis07 · Answer

I would definitely reconsider moving in with him. I understand if they left on good terms but for me it would not be okay for him to be keeping all these letters and gifts from her. I would want some reassurance or expect for him to throw them away. So I'm glad you said something but I would def be careful if his answers weren't that convincing either. They seem to have part ways because of distance so it means the relationship was still good. I would say try to have another serious conversation about it. Possibly tell him you can't move unless he reassures you and throws them away

Anonymous · Answer

I don't get rid of photos or letters from my past, my past is mine and what molds me. I'm still great friends with most of my ex's, and we still exchange birthday and Christmas gifts, and a couple still come to my birthday parties at the club I work at... That said, our gifts are usually either gags or booze.

The notes, though, are generally heart felt and signed with love, but my current girlfriends rarely get upset for a few reasons.

1. These people are my ex's for a reason, and I am faithful.
2. This shows them that even if we don't make it as a couple, we will likely still be friends.
3. They know my exs.

We are a part of a community that has little problem with polyamory, recognizes that every dynamic is unique, and values honesty above all else.

LovingLoverReturned · Answer

She is not trustable and would be on my hitlist- I mean enemy list.. just kidding... but How does HE respond? That's more important. Does he in a sense ""giggle"" meaning he is being warm to her, what does he say about her missing him etc... nevertheless communicate with him... I'd tell him how I really feel... if things continue unfavorably, I'd break up.

DermalPunch · Answer

Oh. Uh uh. Nope. Big problem! I would leave him and his notes together. 99% of the time these are people keeping a connection warm for thwir eventual return to each other. Or the connection was so string and meaningful that they can't do without it. The only love triangle I do is pizza.

FinneasWilson · Answer

When I parted with my ex she'd bought me gifts and sent a couple of letters but when I left her due to her being a narcissist I threw it all away, I don't want constant reminders of her knowing what an idiot I was for staying so long.

I also wouldn't want to keep such things if I ever met someone else as I'd want my new partners gifts and letters not someone who's dead and gone to me.

If you feel it's a deal breaker I'd break it off especially as he's shady about it.

Puppystarfish23 · Answer

Never be anyone's contingency plan. I'm seeing massive red flags and he shouldn't be treating you as second best. What would he do if his ex came back? I see you getting hurt and betrayed if you go ahead with this

CallmeTheKnight · Answer

TL;DR
It makes you uncomfortable. So there's a problem. It's actually not ok for an ex to remain in the picture, regardless of the relationship they had. Someone is holding onto hope and the other is giving it...
When things don't add up, subtract yourself.

Iron_Man · Answer

I guy like that Should just get together with his ex-girlfriend and not date other girls while he’s confused

loveslongnails · Answer

Seems like you've answered your own question.
Yes, I believe you'd be a fool and a tool to move there for him. You're the rebound girl, 100%.

Do yourself a big favor and dump this guy today if you haven't already. He's totally full of shit.

lucas262 · Answer

See, I measure it like this. I don't do things that I myself wouldn't like if she did them.

I'd be pissed if her ex sent her gifts, he shouldn't be in the picture at all. I'd at least try to be respectful of her feelings assuming she felt the same way about me.

Anonymous · Answer

Sounds like they only stopped the relationship because of the distance and emotionally it did not end. What if she came back? What if you have relationship problems? Would he turn to her?
He needs to make it clear who is most important in his life, and be honest with you and himself. It is degrading to feel second best and may eat away at your relationship with him.
You may still have a happy life with him. But you're in your thirties. Have you got time to take chances?

KelleyNice · Answer

You shouldn't snoop but everyone does. If you are troubled over some minor thing like that, since it upsets you, you should terminate the relationship.

7barbieringz · Answer

He's cheating or he's thinking about cheating. Been in the exact same situation. Men don't want that kind of attention from a women they aren't sexually interested in

anon1903 · Answer

That's a maroon flag. I can't believe you're even asking it. Tell that bich that she had her chance and she wasted it, so don't interfere with current relationship because "he was my only bff" or whatever.

Gent207 · Answer

"How to tell if a man-child is over their ex" for 200 Alex! Who is your ex? Discount Gatsby?

Citizenkirk · Answer

Breaking up with someone doesn't necessitate becoming enemies. Let them be enjoy each other's friendship.

sheenagwapa · Answer

your concern is legit. if he cannot make you feel safw in the relationship then think twice if yoy really wanna be with this person

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

Nope, It's not good. None of my business but I would move on he can't let go of his ex

Is it ok that my boyfriend receives gifts and notes from his ex and keeps them?

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