Boyfriend keeps secrets from me and doesn't think it's a big deal. Thoughts?

We have been together for 2 years. We have a rocky history of him lying to me in the past, we even broke up about it a year ago. I gave him another chance but told him it won't be easy for me to trust him again and he would have to be patient with me and do everything necessary to help me trust him. One of the things I requested is that he please tell me whenever an ex contacts him, and I would do the same to be fair. Well, I found out that he texted his ex to tell her happy birthday. The only reason I found out was because she texted him back while he was sitting right next to me and I saw it. I was furious that he didn't tell me about it because that was the rule. He then went on about how it was no big deal, and how I am psycho and paranoid for no reason. For no reason? He has a history of lying! Anyway, I have discovered that he tells me about half of the truth (most of the time) but he tends to omit certain details...details that matter to me. When I do find out the FULL truth, I get upset and he proceeds to say that its no big deal. And honestly, the details he leaves are not a big deal...but the fact that he hides them are what make me feel uneasy. When I ask him why he didn't tell me the whole story, he'll say that I "didn't ask the right question." I have decided I can't live in a relationship anymore where I constantly wonder if he's telling the truth. Am I justified for this? I feel bad on one level because the secrets he keeps really aren't that bad...I know he's not cheating or anything. But its just the lying about it that gets me.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I will say one thing here right off the bat; remember your "gut instinct" has nothing to do with your gut at all; it is your BRAIN telling you "this is a problem because _____."

    Your trust in him has been broken. Period. Once that trust is gone, there's never any regaining it like you need it. I have recently had an ex break off a three year long relationship with me (fiancé; I had already proposed) because I found out about her having regular contact with a guy I know was trying to sleep with her. Hiding phone calls and text messages. Start a fight with me when confronted about it but never own up to it.

    It may very well be that "it's not a big deal" that he's contacting his ex, but you need to listen to that part of YOU that said "he hides them from me, we made it a rule that we wouldn't do that—which means that you've both accepted the damage it will due to one another—and he has STILL continued to do that which is a hurtful thing to you.

    Now I never presume to know what your man's true intentions are and/or if he really is hiding anything else other than the texts, but from my own personal experience, when she kept doing something that she knew hurt me and tried to deflect the consequences of her actions back onto me and blame ME for being upset about what she'd agreed to stop doing; agreed that she understood "why" it hurt me—it was because she really was hiding the fact that she'd been sleeping with him and she threw away our entire family rather than admit her wrongdoing.

    So it may be that there's something bigger that he's hiding from you and that's why he immediately deflects back onto you that which he knows he shouldn't be doing; or it could be that it really is just messaging her, but YOU need to ask yourself NOW; "can I live with someone continues to break my trust?"

    I know in my situation my soul has literally died from the loss of my family and the woman I thought I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, but I will NEVER give everything I have to someone who throws it in my face that they're breaking my trust again.

    Best of luck to you!

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    • I'm sorry to hear about your break up. You did the right thing tho. And I completely agree with you on the fact that when you confront someone, and they turn the tables on you...by blaming you for feeling upset, that they are shifting the focus onto you because they know they are wrong. It's manipulative and the really good liars are masters at that.

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What Guys Said 4

  • Dear.. I think you and me are on the same ship.. it is a mere coincidence that my girlfriend use to do something similar like your Boyfriend is doing... my girlfriend too use to speak or being in touch with her ex and use to hide from me.. because I may nt like it or will act badly on it.. so she use to hide.. I am conservative and I accept that openly.. and she knw it.. but she can't leave me or her friends...

    Can you be friends with someone whom you would have ever kissed during a relation and then you people part off as friends? IT NOT AT ALL DIGESTABLE TO ME.

    She use to hide her social networking msgs/ mobile sms, because there is somethings which I may not like.. but it is not a big deal for her... so I felt that I am getting screwed in this relation very often...

    I knew in the end I am the one whole loyalty and love is getting suffered and she has a backup always ready to over come me.. so I have given her two options.

    1. If you want that our relation should continue so don't tell me anything about the ex which is not worth telling or which will raise my temper... and I don't want any conflict between us, and you should continue whatevea you are doing.. and I told her clearly if you find any better guy in future then tell me as it is.. I will not create any issue and will go away..

    Result: if she accept this options then after some time she will have things to discuss with her Ex or her friends, but me and her will not have things to discuss, and she knew it.. and we will get apart over the period of time..

    2. I told her that you have to leave all this and I will not b accepting this behavior of your and all this crap, so either you want me or your ex--> You decide.

    Result: if she accept this option then she will be only over period of time we will not have things to discuss since after accepting this option she will not be talking to any1 and over a period of time we will run short of topics between us and then fights will starts and in the end breakup.

    She was ready to sacrifice everything for me.. but she was not comfortable and neither she was sounding OK with this options.. SO SHE DECIDED OPTION 1.

    Now the main thing is that I am comfortable with option one.. and doesn't take her seriously as I know down the line we will have a breakup and have to find a new person.. so now we are together and happy till we part away..

    So I think you can give your boyfriend these two options.. but prepare your self mentally for a breakup and try to find a new good friend.. who can be your supporter come Boyfriend in case of any issues in present relation.

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  • Honestly. You two should split up and stay away from each other. Not because you are so terribly incompatible, but because you are unable to live with the situation as it is. The situation cannot be changed, only your interpretation of it (your trust) can change - and you are demonstrably unable to change you perception, so the only way out is for you two to split up.

    Of course he keeps secrets from you. You harp on not keeping secrets from him, but I bet my behind that there are things you do not tell him. Not understanding this is deluding yourself. That you go on in a tangent about him having secrets at all is proof enough that you are not able to cope with reality.

    Trust is not about knowing everything. Trust is believeing that what you don't know is not something you need to worry about. But you worry. You have an irrational belief that by controlling everything - by controlling another person to the deepest level - you'll be able to go back into this other belief that whatever he doesn't tell, is not worth knowing. You can't. It is impossible to be in this state of trust in the beginning, and it is impossible to go back.

    AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM! He does not control your trust! Only you do!

    If YOU cannot trust, then YOU must either accept that, or get out.

    The best option is often to accept that trust is a delusion in itself. Back up and find out what you DO trust about him.

    Will he always stay faithful in temptation (yes/no)?

    Will he always come back home after a fight and try to patch up (yes/no)?

    Will he always defend you in a fight (yes/no)?

    etc

    etc

    Now tally these things, and find out if this is enough for you, or if you need to "trust" more things about your guy. Next do the same thing about yourself. How dependable are you? How trustworthy are you? Really!

    You will never ever find the FULL truth. The truth is not something that can be summed up and be complete. A truth is always two sided if not more. And sometimes your truth can be a complete fabricated lie, utter bullsh*t or just plain wrong.

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  • well, those lies and secrets are inexcusable. especially since the rules are clear and he is consciously overstepping the boundaries .

    you're not phsyco, you asked for something to be safe and respected with, and now he has revealed himself . I mean, instead of him saying sorry and trying to be faithful, he says you're phsyco and paranoid. what is this guy, seriously, he doesn't honour you, nor does he value you as a special person or partner .

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  • Why don't you give more space to him. You may be 30-35 yo but you sounds like a teenager. Trust is important but telling asbolutly everything won't do. Judging how upset you are right now, maybe he didn't tell you because he knew you will be upset and when he says it's not a big deal whether he is trying to calm you down whether it's really not a big deal, why would it be a lie ?

    Come on you too have secret you don't want him to find out because it will endanger your relationship.

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    • I don't have any secrets from him at all. I tell him every time any guy texts me, and that's why I expect him to do the same. I understand that we don't need to list every little minor thing...but I feel that talking to an ex is a big deal. Especially after breaking my trust last year. I'm not saying that he can't talk to them at all...all I am saying is that I want to know when he contacts them. And if he has a problem with it, then is it wrong to think he's hiding something bigger?

What Girls Said 2

  • trust is important in a relationship, if you don't have it then you will always be on edge. Either accept the fact that he would make white lies often or leave since that is something you hold highly.

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  • Please just leave him and find someone who doesn't call you psycho and paranoid and isn't a liar.

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