Is it wise to keep in contact with a commitment-phobe ex?

[Anonymous]

We ended things because he was "not there yet" and was finding it hard to give me what I wanted. I have cried and gone through the motions. The thing is, he wants to stay in touch? We don't live in the same country now so I don't understand why? It kills me to stay in touch but at the same time I don't want to jeopardize any chance in the future that we may get back together when he is "there". Help please!

[InJi816]

I can understand your situation somewhat. I've experienced something similar.

I'm thinking he wanted to stay in touch because you meant something to him so he just doesn't want you to just disappear out of his life. He probably wants to continue to be friends because he probably thinks you're a great person. He may be also thinking what you're thinking about the future chances. Maybe he wasn't able to commit cause the distance would have been too difficult, but then again I don't know the full story.

OR he just likes the attention of knowing somebody has feelings for him.

OR he is just saying that to be nice.

I know it's difficult but in this situation just go with the flow and take care of yourself at the same time. There are a lot of other guys out there so continue to look around while you stay friends with him without bigger expectations. Who knows maybe you will meet somebody better! I don't plan to stop looking myself until I have a ring on my left hand ring finger. I also agree with the statement "If you love something, set it free- if it comes back to you, it was meant to be." I've heard stories about couples breaking up and years later when they met again they just fell in love so much deeper they got married. But they didn't know that would happen when they parted. It just happened.

Hope this helps somewhat! :]

[38rakia38]

I'm in a similar situation, just minus the separate countries bit. Though it often feels like it...

I've been in contact with my ex for almost two years, he's a commitaphobe. Then again, his ex fiancee was a bit of a nut job, so I don't really blame him for feeling like he's not ready for anything. The real issue is, he goes flippy floppy on me.

When I don't want a relationship, and I say I don't, he does.

When I want a relationship and I ask for one, he says he doesn't want one.

Recently we started having casual sex, if that's even possible. And he's now acting like I'm going to leave him at any second, because I'm "available" by all technicality.

Honestly hon, don't kid yourself. There are better men in other places of the world. A friend of mine once told me...

If you love it, set it free

If it comes back, it's meant to be.

Cut off the communication, go out and date, if he contacts you and begs you to talk to him, tell him you want a relationship (because you do, don't lie to yourself) and if he can't get his sh*t together, you have nothing to talk to him about.

Do not make my mistake and keep letting this cycle of sh*t happen. Give him an ultimatum, if he really thinks you're the one, he'll be there, in every sense of the word. If he doesn't accept your terms, f*** him, there's other guys who will.