Is it normal to keep in contact with your exs?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and 3 months now. He recently told me that he keeps in contact with his ex. He says that she will text or call him 3-4 times a year to check on him. He told me a few things about her. He said this ex cheated on him when they were together and when they started talking a couple years later she told him that she tried to offer him a polygamous relationship and told him that she would want him to have a girlfriend if they ever got back together. He told me that he declined. This all happened before he met me. Now he says she just checks up on him to see how he's doing and conversations are friendly. He said he still talks to her because they were friends before they dated. The situation makes me very uncomfortable because I had a ex boyfriend in the past tell me he was friends with his ex but later I found out that he was talking to her inappropriately behind my back. Is it normal to talk to your exs? Can you really talk to your exs and nothing inappropriate happens? Should I tell him I'm not ok with this? Should I make him stop talking to his ex?

[Lliam]

I was with my first girlfriend for about a year before I moved on. I was 16 when we met. But she was part of my circle of friends and we remained friends. She and my new girlfriend even became friends.

Several years later, she and one of my best friends got married and had a couple of daughters. I used to go to their house to hang out and chat before they moved away.

Many years later, we reconnected through another mutual friend and became Facebook friends. We're still Facebook friends. She's has always been really good people and is now a happy grandma.

The best girlfriend I ever had was 30 when I was 36. She is the first woman I ever loved with my heart and soul, and she loved me. We lived together for over a year. Unfortunately, we couldn't be life partners for reasons that are too complicated to explain.

20 years after we separated in 1991 she found me on Facebook. She was living out of state. I had already been married for 15 years or so at that point, but we spoke on the phone a few times and I was overjoyed to be in touch, to hear her voice, and to know that she was doing well.

Five years later, I read that she had died from a sudden medical problem at the age of 55. She was such a wonderful person. There is a hole in my heart that will never heal. I still love her and will never forget her.

So yes, it's possible to be in contact with an ex, as long as it isn't a threat to your current relationship.

It sounds like your boyfriend is being open and honest with you. You should trust him.

[OlderAndWiser]

It seems to be more common among people your age and younger, but not normal. I think young people have an attitude that it is unkind to not stay in contact. I disagree, and I would have the same concerns that you have.


But telling him what to do is a bad idea. It is easy for that to morph into a power conflict between you two. You should tell him that it makes you uncomfortable, offer your explanation, and tell him that you don’t want to be in a relationship in which this is a continuing issue.


He can decide how he wants to respond. Then, you can decide how you want to respond. And this very well could be a dealbreaker if he persists, but. . . would you want to be married to a guy who still talks to an ex?

[Asker]

So you think this is something I should talk to him about?

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes. He may not change his behavior after you talk, but he certainly won’t change it as long as you remain silent.

[Screenwriter]

No. 1: You cannot "make" anyone stop conversing with someone they care to talk to. He said they were friends before they were lovers. What does it matter that she contacts him several times a year. Friends do this.

Don't judge your current man by the one who was inappropriate with his ex. I could certainly talk to a former persona I dated in a friendly way, but half the women these guys are involved with are ridiculously jealous, which is way more inappropriate than my talking to someone I'm no longer interested in, except as a friend.

You can tell him WHY you feel uncomfortable with what appears to be a distant relationship. It's not like he's on the phone with her or has her over to the house. She's NOT a close friend. So what IS the issue? You need to figure this out. It sounds like you're threatened by this woman who doesn't sound like a threat at all... Look inside. And good luck.

[Asker]

He said she does call on the phone sometimes. About 3-4 times a year. And yes I do feel uncomfortable with it because I feel why would he want to keep in touch with her. she's a ex for a reason. And she cheated on him.

[Screenwriter]

It appears he's over that aspect of her and since she is no longer his lover, her cheating doesn't matter. I got that he speaks to her every three or four months. It doesn't sound like he calls her. She calls him. But, he allows her to call him, so, it seems like on some level he enjoys talking to her. You're angry with her because you see her as hurting him. But he's not angry with her, so why are you. He has his reasons for talking to her that you don't understand. It's an old friendship. Friends often do things to each other that are hurtful and they forgive. WHy don't you.

[Asker]

I understand if they were just friends but I feel after you date someone and have sex with them the dynamic changes. It’s not just a friend anymore. Also some time after they broke up he said they started talking again and she told him if they started dating again she would want him to have a girlfriend. Why would a friend mention dating again? Shouldn’t that be something that never comes up?

[Screenwriter]

IT would be a general topic of conversation. She's saying she hopes he gets a girlfriend. That's an appropriate thing of friends to talk about of whatever sex. And that is what has happened. Again, there is nothing threatening about anything they've talked about. She isn't lurking on the sidelines begging him to come back.

The dynamic changed when they were lovers and it has changed AGAIN to them NOT being lovers.

I still do not understand why you are threatened by this. He has not professed interest in getting back together with this woman. He doesn't endlessly talk about what a wonderful person she is, or what a great lover she was, does he? He does not compare you to her. I understand these are your feelings. I also contend that they are not rational and are based on how SOMEONE ELSE mistreated you.

[Tephra]

"4 times a year to check on him" - I believe from this, she still cares about him and wants to be with him again. However, you will really know because if he broke up with her first, you will know.

Overall, I do not blame you for being uncomfortable, I would be too. I do not talk to my ex-boyfriends while I am dating someone else because it seems very suspicious. It is like they are the "back-up" plan if things go south between you and him.

However it is best to come from a place of security, and letting him understand your needs, and what you want him to do to make you feel comfortable so you can both be secure together in a relationship. If he does not oblige I would be questioning him, I do not think this is a "controlling" behaviour, however to compromise with him I'd say once a year she can message him to "check up on him"

[ManOnFire]

It happens, but I don't think it's super common unless there are kids involved. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for a situation of temptation, and not realizing how his ex is pleased with what he's doing and she probably enjoys knowing he's with you since she said she's into poly relationships. She 'checks up on him' every so often because she still hopes he'll do something with her, or she thinks if she keeps trying that he'll give in.

All the wrong is on him: no.1 she cheated on him in the past, and he's still talking to her. No one should be staying in contact with a cheater. No.2 Even if she didn't cheat, she's still an ex and you're the woman in his life now so he should only be talking to you.

So I think it's a bad idea for him to still be talking to her. Even if they're exes they still have history, and people break their current partner's hearts all the time by messing around with their ex. You should tell him how it bothers you.

[Asker]

Yes I agree with you and everything you said. I feel like he has boundary issues due to experiencing childhood abuse. I try to be patient with him. I told him how I felt about it. All he said was ok. I guess I have to hope he will do the right thing and he will stop talking to her. I hope he takes my feelings into consideration and not talk to her anymore. I guess now I should drop it and not bring it up again?

[KrakenAttackin]

You need to do your part and actually work to keep his interest.

[Asker]

@KrakenAttackin Why would I have to work to keep his interest and in what ways?

[ManOnFire]

You told him how you felt and all he said was okay. Wow. That's not good either. Regardless of what his past/childhood was like, he's an adult now and is old enough to know better and make the right decision. All of us have some degree of troubled childhoods but it's not an excuse for why somebody is still doing what they're doing. At some point you become an adult and have to take responsibility for your actions and grow out of your past.

So I personally feel like a relationship with him is very likely going to end in pain. For you only. And I could be 100% wrong, but I've seen too many situations like this where it turns out to be right. People who keep in contact with their ex while seeing you, almost always end up sleeping with them or going back altogether. Because that door of temptation is there. Which they allow to be open.

[Asker]

So should I bring it up again and ask him for clarification? Should I ask him if he will stop talking to his ex?

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker... BINGO, and this is why your relationship will fail.

[ManOnFire]

I think you should honestly let him know it doesn't make you comfortable and that if it doesn't stop you're going to end the relationship. If you have to talk to your guy about this kind of thing and feel like you need to ask or beg, then that's not a healthy relationship, and deep down isn't one you want to be in.

[EmmaMary]

Maybe, just maybe I'm the exception to the rule, for all four of my ex's and I have remained both friends and in contact with each other.

In fact I was invited to two of their weddings which both my fiancé (now husband) at the time and I attended, and in return they were all invited to my own wedding, but sadly only two were able to come at the time.

Later this year we will be going to the wedding of one of the remaining two, which will be rather nice as we have not seen each other since the pandemic.

[Hearts4u]

He has no respect for you. The fact that you even have to tell him to stop talking to his ex is crazy. The fact that he even talks to her is crazy. It don’t matter if they were friends before. That is someone he used to be romantically involved with. And trustttt me 99% of the time he are you still “just friends” with their ex. They actually got something going on. Don’t settle for less. Leave him while you have time. Matter a fact, get bold and play with his feelings just for being a dog.

[DermalPunch]

Firstly, sheboffrred him a polyAMOROUS relationship. Gamous means marriage.

As to your question, some people take great pride in being friends or friendly with their exes.

I think it smacks of attachment issues at best. I wouldn't tolerate my partner being in touch with an ex. Especially one into polyamory.

The majority of the time people keep in touch with exes so they have someone there when they need an itch scratched. Such people don't respect relationships, boundaries themselves or anyone else really.

I wouldn't tolerate it.

[Anonymous]

Well unless you have children together I really see no point in keeping in contact w an ex. Even then having children together you wish you didn’t have to communicate w them. They’re an ex for a reason. Sounds as though he still has feelings for her. He wanted to be just w her, no one else, she wanted something else so that is the only reason I could see as to why they broke up. Had she wanted the same thing he did they would probably still be together. She also has feelings for him I believe as more than a friend if she’s still keeping in contact w him. She cheated on him, he was t ready to split from her. To me it just brings about the possibility of cheating if she ever showed up. I think you need to talk to him. Normally I don’t like ultimatums but he needs to consider how you feel. I’m sure he wouldn’t be comfortable if things were reversed, you keeping tabs on an ex. But if he continues to keep in touch w her then I think you have every right to move on.

[glennos89]

I have been friends with my ex for more then 6 years now. Never did anything happen between us in those 6 years time. We are plutonic friends and nothing more then that. So yes you can become friends as long as both people stick to the rules of not flirting with eachother

[Asker]

So should I say anything? Or should I let it continue and just drop it?

[glennos89]

Communication is the most important factor in every relationship! If you dont talk about it, it will stay on your mind breeding and sooner or later it will be inevitable come out in the wrong way of you dont vent it on time.

So yes you definitely should talk about it and tell him you feel uncomfortable with him talking to his ex, just don't make a fight out of it but talk in a mature way about it.

Communicate!! Very important!

Ps.. I do wanne add something about the friendship I have with my ex... We have been together for 6 years, broke up and started becoming friends for 6 years already now. But in my mind I'm prepared to let her go if thats nescecarry to have a new good relationship. So if my girl would talk to me and tell me she isn't feeling comfortable with me talking to my ex then Im prepared to let my friendship go in order to prevent problems in my relationship, although I would take it as a sign of her not thrusting me completely which will be a point of concern for me. Nevertheless I will drop my ex as long as she isn't going to do that with every girl that talks to me. Its a 1 time favor but it cannot repeat itself otherwise I'm breaking up.

But thats me, everyone sees it different so dont go into the conversation with your boyfriend having expectations from him! Talk to him but stay op minded! He might be willing to sacrifice the friendship with his ex for you, but he can also see it as a sign of distrust and you also will have to except if he isn't going to break friendships for your insecurity. But you should be able to have a conversation if something bothered you so definitely talk about it

[Asker]

You say you'll do a one time favor. What if your girlfriend tells you that she doesn't like you talking to exs and you cut off one but she finds out you are talking to another one. Do you think she has a right to be upset?

[glennos89]

I think she hasn't got any rights of deciding which people I want to have in my life in which one I don't! Would you let your boyfriend decide who you can contact and who you should remove from your life because he doesn't like certain people?
My girlfriend has the right to ask me if I could drop somebody but I decide whether I will do that or not. She definitely hasn't got any rights to make such decisions for me!

The reason for that is simple. In the past when I was in my first long term relationship I dropped literally all female friends and contacts for my ex because off her extreme jealosie and in the end she broke up with me leaving me there with only a broken heart and a lot of broken friendships.

Never ever will I allow someone to make those descision for me ever. again. Huge mistake from me that allowed her to make those choices for me in deciding who I keep contact with and who I let go.

That was a very painfull experience for me especially because I never ever cheated on anyone before but my personal life besides my realtionship got totally ruined because of her insecurity's. It's many many years ago that it happened and it still makes me furious when I think about. She was allowed to hang out with everyone she wanted. She hanged out with her ex boyfriend's but she was always making issues if I hang out with a female that was nothing more then a plutonic friend. Not even my ex just a friend but she couldnt handle it while doing it herself in a worse way

[comekitty]

I have never kept in touch with exes.

However, out of the clear blue one day, I had an ex reach out on social media. I dont know why - he's married, I'm married and we don't ever talk. Except he does wish me a happy birthday every year, to which I do acknowledge. 🙂 That's the closest to keeping in touch with an ex that I have.

[PaulPanda8]

I stay connected to my ex-wife. We aren't fucking. We're friends and I'm okay. Only issue I'd have if my future girlfriend still had feelings for the ex. But I can't stop her from communicating with him. If she's out with him late at night, I'll tell her that it's pissing me off. If continues doing it, she's disrespecting me then I'll split. Got no time for that shit.

[Asker]

I can understand a ex wife but do you think it’s ok for just ex’s to stay in touch like boyfriend and girlfriend?

[PaulPanda8]

Oh no. Exes are Exes for a reason. If you're working things out, maybe. Sounds like the sex is too good to pass up then. Normally, things can't work out with Exes. Whatever caused the split will happen again. Look at the divorced couples that try again and get divorced again.

[Anonymous]

i mean sure it's normal to still be friends with ex's. what i have a problem with here is that she seems a bit pushy and also you are uncomfortable with this interaction and given their past, it's a bit weird. does he know this? talk to him about it, see what he says and then come to a compromise.

[Asker]

What do you think a possible compromise could be?

[Jessica405]

My long term partner and I have just parted company as a couple. We are still best friends and will still be cohabiting for the next 3 weeks. He will be staying in Netherlands while I will return to UK.

[Asker]

So you think it's normal to keep in touch with your exs? And it's harmless? I shouldn't be worried?

[Jessica405]

If it is an amicable break, I don't see why not. It shows thet neith ex is vindictive.

[Jessica405]

Maybe I am the odd one out here. There is no 3rd party involved. I do not intend to find another guy, and I am sure my ex won't look for another girl. There is a possibility he will leave Netherlands, too, and come to UK.

[Asker]

You say you or your ex do not intend on finding someone new and he may come to UK. If you were in a relationship with a new man would you be ok with him texting and talking to his ex on the phone?

[Jessica405]

Yes. He has decided to be with me. He would know that one slip means the end for us. No forgiveness.

[EmmaMary]

@Jessica405

We are all keeping everything crossed for hopefully a "Happy Ever After" for the both of you. ❤

[Jessica405]

@EmmaMary Thanks, Emma. Please thank K and family, too.

[Anonymous]

MAKE HIM STOP TALKING WITH HIS EX. THERE'S NO POINT IN STAYING IN CONTACT WITH EXES AFTER ONE MOVES ON WITH A NEW PERSON. THEY SHOULD COMPLETELY FORGET ABOUT THEIR EX AND BE WITH YOU OR ELSE HE SHOULDN'T. NO HALF LOVE SHOULD BE ALLOWED. TELL HIM TO STOP TALKING WITH HER OR WARN HIM THAT YOU WILL NOT BE WITH HIM IF HE CONTINUES

[ShadezMcgee]

Unless you have joint custody of a child, hell no.

[GoodEnoughThen]

Stll friends with all my exes, a few going back 30 years. Why? Because we were truly friends first regardless of the fact that we didn't ultimately stay together as a couple.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I honestly couldn’t stay in touch with my ex, because our feelings and our relationship was so intense and strong, we wouldn’t be able to have a healthy friendship.

[RavVid]

Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Nothing particularly wrong with it. I still do with one.

As for inappropriate I'd be more likely to be inappropriate with the gas oven.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I'm friends with five of my exes. Not tempted by any of them. We broke up for a reason.

[red324]

I don't know, every girl I date just blocks me and that's the end of that. It's how the world is these days. So if I were to rethink what I said I can't even contact them to apologize

[Christoff92]

Yeh. Few of my ex-girlfriends went away for college and career opportunities. Now we're friends 🙂

[Nikki1989]

I am in contact with most of mine and one is like a soulmate to me.

[OddBeMe]

These days yes. I do, as I only have dated friends.

[Asker]

So you think it’s ok? I shouldn’t say anything to him about it?

[OddBeMe]

You can talk to him about it. If he’s faithful and you trust him he should be open and honest.

[Asker]

But I shouldn’t ask him to cut them off?

[OddBeMe]

If it’s that important to you, sure. But he might get mad over it.

Real question: why don’t you trust him?

[Asker]

I guess I don’t trust it because I’ve seen it many times turn into something inappropriate. I feel like it’s keeping a door open that should be closed.

[OddBeMe]

Could just be a friendship they want left open. If my wife did that I wouldn’t care.