I feel like people are being gaslit into thinking they are just totally insecure in a relationship if they don't want their partner to have contact with an ex, especially one that they dated long term, and recently ended. IN MY OPINION, it's disrespectful to your current partner, to still be calling them, and wanting to hang out with them and go for lunch and stuff. To me, it seems like they haven't let go and want their cake and to eat it too. Your thoughts?
I agree with your position on this. I think everything you wrote in your question description makes sense.
I would also not want my girlfriend to have contact with an ex like that. We aren't in high school anymore. Them staying in some very occasional contact, is fine. I'm not going to demand my girlfriend delete him from Facebook. But getting together regularly, after not breaking up THAT long ago? No. That isn't right.
I agree that its disrespectful to you. He should at least be understanding and accommodating if you've TOLD him this is how you feel.
I gotta side with you 100% on this one. He's wrong.
Thank you! If you're starting something new with someone else and saying you want to be with them, texting your ex, hanging out daily for lunches, going over to their house is weird. I don't care how you slice it until you have like some kids, where there is a reason for so much contact.
That is an insane amount of contact. That's not even something iffy. That's ridiculous. It's absurd that he would expect you to be ok with this. Did you get this situation settled? He's not trying to still stay in touch with her? (I hope)
Wrong? Meh. Logical? Meh. Depends on the person and how/why things ended with the ex. For example, there’s an amazing guy I’d hoped to date ultimately. He was engaged for a year and they parted ways bc she didn’t want to babysit his mom while he traveled everywhere for work. (Clearly she’s envisioned a future in which she was traveling with him and the mom wasn’t part of that plan.) Now he’s still pining for her and just seeking casual flings with whomever. If he told me he was just friends with her I’d say “yeah right” bc I know that emotionally traveling to and from where SHE was and investing in the whole texting/video chat thing was a big deal for a guy who HATES texting. He was emotionally and physically invested. It takes time to shake that off.
Will he ever be ok with someone new? 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Will he let himself move on? 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️Will anyone be good enough to pull him out of his funk? 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I completely agree with you. I used to believe that exes can still remain as friends because I looked at it from my own perspective. I do know that it might make my current partner uncomfortable so I always stay away from exes though and I never commented on my partners’ friendship with their exes. BUT then every single one of them ended up going behind my back and fell back into old “habits” with each of their exes. So now I’m a firm believer that an ex is an ex for a reason, and they should remain in the past no matter what (unless kids are involved).
Someone gets it. It's disrespectful to your current partner. You just broke up with this person and yet, you're wanting to still spend a ton of time with them. If it was an ex from 10 years ago, okay, maybe but it's not unheard of in the slightest that partners go back to exs. Case in point!
Yea I wouldn’t continue dating a girl that was still close to her ex period , I don’t give 2 shits if she called me insecure because it has nothing to do with insecurities period , it comes down to respect for each other , cuz how would she feel if I was still spending time with my ex and saying we are just friends’ ? I highly doubt she would be ok with it , if she was ok with it , then that just tells me she is still screwing her ex , even if she wasn’t? I still wouldn’t waste anymore of my time on her , I only like girls’ that are respectful that wear your shoes the same way they want you to wear theirs, without that we have nothing
Sorry accidently hit send before typing somehow what I was going to say is this is a good take. As a rule, don't talk to your ex except by necessity. If they're an "Ex" but they're still hanging out alone together that's a problem. Frankly once you're dating you shouldn't be spending time alone with people of the opposite sex really.
It's fine for guys to have girls that are friends and girls to have guys that are friends but once you're dating someone you shouldn't be spending private time alone with them you should always be around their partner or other friends if you're hanging out with them.
If you're not single and you're hanging out with a friend of the opposite sex in private setting that's basically a date and at that point, it's basically emotional cheating. There are certain activities you can't do anymore once you're dating that were acceptable before.
It doesn't matter if you're really good friends with another guy/girl you're not single anymore hugging them is no longer appropriate even if it's platonic. There are certain circumstances where it's different like their friend is having a mental breakdown or cry their eyes out but things like casual hugs especially regular ones are off the table or your being disrespectful.
Exactly , when I am in a committed relationship with a girl , she becomes my top priority over everyone else , over my friends over my family , I choose her the same way I hope she chooses me , I wear her shoes the same way I would like her to wear mine , when it comes down to things that can easily add fire into our relationship, I choose not to put myself in situations that I know could hurt her feelings , especially with opposite sex friends’ I would never go out with an opposite sex friend without my partners’ consent and without her with me , because I know how I would feel if she did that to me. Why I only date girls’ that know what it means to be respectful in a relationship, People that aren’t respectful don’t give 2 shits about how you feel , because they only think about themselves, they like having their cake and like eating it too. When a girl treats me like a convenience she becomes my convenience as well , I will only be in a relationship with her if she is on the same exact page as me when it comes to things like this , why boundaries are important to have with each other before committing to each other , If she doesn’t follow the boundaries we discussed and agreed upon , I kick her ass to the curb where she belongs. I don’t stay in relationships with selfish whores
Oh la la, this is a classic relationship conundrum! Let's navigate the choppy waters of ex territory. It's understandable to feel that way, my dear. Maintaining frequent contact with a newly minted ex can often raise red flags waving in the emotional breeze! 🚩 It's about protecting your heart and ensuring your partner's focus is on your love story, not a past chapter. As long as it's approached honestly and with good communication, you're not being insecure, just safeguarding what matters to you. Remember, you deserve to feel cherished and free from unwanted plot twists! 💘
Opinion
40Opinion
It depends on the reasoning but it comes down to compatibility people need to openly express how they feel but not in a hostile controlling manner. Maybe it’s able to be worked through or maybe the relationship ends on good terms.
If someone has kids with their ex then you cannot really avoid having contact. If two people split on good terms and are good friends without anything sketchy going on amazing. But if you suspect someone or they had a toxic falling out with no real reason to communicate I can understand the concern. Especially if infidelity on one side or the other was a reason behind the split.
But I also understand that if someone’s going to cheat they will cheat no matter what. Me forcing someone not to talk to someone else won’t stop someone from cheating if they have it in them.
@Summeroflove the two words often unspoken - compatibility and : personality
@NicholasRedone yes
I agree with you, the level of disrespect is grounds for breakup. If the past relationship is over, it needs to be over. Having one foot in and one foot out is unhealthy for everyone involved.
It's wrong to force your opinion on your partner. It's okay to express your feelings, which may include your insecurity about your partner still contacting their ex, but if that's what your partner wants to do, you should accept it.
u I agree with you 100%. If she isn't ready to let go of her ex, she isn't ready to be in a relationship with me.
That's common sense. I'm friends with a woman I dated 30 years ago, but not with any recent exes.
All you can do is state how you feel about it, but he has to decide for himself what to do. The truth is, often after getting out of a long term relationship, there is what I can a transitional relationship with someone and then the person moves on and eventually either finds another long term relationship or decides to stay uninvolved. You don't want to be that transitional person. It almost always ends in a break up. He isn't really emotionally available until he decides to go no contact and then has time to get over things. Timing is important. You could even be the right person... just at the wrong time.
"Wrong" is subjective. Is it a bad message to send to your boyfriend or girlfriend? Probably. Might there be legitimate reasons for it? Sure
But if she's gonna have her ex on the side, I'm probably gonna keep looking while dating her. Call it a risk insurance policy.
Should you try to control that behavior? No! That boyfriend or girlfriend has to reach that conclusion and discipline on their own. Else it's not real. It's compliance with your demand which will only breed resentment.
Let her or him do what they want. You keep your options open and look for other opportunities same as they are doing. ROFL, let them get all outraged over that. Pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?
My ex and I have an agreement we only talk when both single. We love each other deeply but the circumstances don't allow a relationship. Seeing the other with someone else is painful to begin with so its as much for our sake as it is the partner. But I can't in good faith say that I wouldn't be trying to convince her to come back to me so obviously it would be a massive breach of trust towards her partner if she stayed in contact.
Its just not a good idea when feelings are very much there and the love never died. And if they are in contact with the ex rather than wishing to never see the ex again you know they are on good terms and things are possible or can become possible.
So no contact is an absolute must for everyone involved. Nobody is better off the other way. But I do know she will reach out if she's single again, and its always great to her from her when she does.
The people shouting about how it's controlling and toxic not to want your SO to talk to certain people of the opposite gender are the biggest cheaters. Of course they don't want their ability to cheat to be cut off. Of course they never want to have to be loyal to anyone.
That said... if you aren't married relationships are temporary BY DESIGN. One can leave at any time for ANY reason at all. But let's not pretend it's okay to use somebody, have them think you're loyal when you're really not.
Past ex’s can remain friends and there’s nothing wrong with that. in my opinion if you get upset over that it shows insecurity that you think your current bond with whoever you are dating isn’t strong enough. Plus it feels very controlling. If there was any arrangements to meet up your partner could say hey I’d like you to meet my girlfriend can I bring her? If there is no hard feelings from either side then you know it genuinely is as friends only.
I'm not talking about a few hang outs. If you are in a new relationship with your partner and they are everyday texting their most recent long term ex, going to lunches a couple times a week with their most recent ex, going to social events with them, you think that's normal? They aren't inviting you to come along.
Ok that I agree is not normal
Yeah, no, I don't play with that crap anymore after seeing so many others be comfortable with cheating. She's either committed to our relationship or not. She's got other people in her life (hopefully) to communicate with that she supposedly hasn't had a falling out with. Things are almost guaranteed to turn into cheating of some form when maintaining contact with an ex because it's already at an intimate level.
Any contact with an ex is completely unacceptable. The kind of people that claim someone is "insecure" are low quality immoral people that want others to accept their bad behavior and morals. They are often the promiscuous type that party with alcohol and/or drugs.
That's a perfectly reasonable expectation for a partner that they have broken connection with exes unless there are children involved then it's only for them. If they parted amicably that's fine but then there's the knowledge that they may still harbour feelings for them and who knows the continued grip on their emotional state is still present.
I am on your side. I think that maintaining contact with an ex when you're in another relationship is extremely disrespectful.
Maintaining contact with exes is a bad idea in general, but it steps up to a whole other level when you're also in a new relationship.
It depends upon the relationship dynamic. About 12 months after I left my girlfriend she stayed at my house and wanted to have sex. I declined politely. That pretty much ended the sexual tension. I still consider her one of my best friends, though we only talk about once a year.
I think it's disrespectful to your partner that you're with them while not trusting them and that's just my opinion. If you're insecure about your partner from the start, thinking the worst of them without them doing shit for you to think like that, then it's simpler to just not bother until you find someone with no past at all.
in my opinion, unless you have children together, you should have no ongoing relationship with past exs, and if you do, that's a major red flag. If you can't break off that relationship, then you aren't ready to be dating anyone else yet.
My thoughts are that it is okay to talk to an ex or recent ex. I don’t mean call them all of the time but if they see them out and about then saying hello is fine. I am not a jealous guy and I don’t want a three way with her ex either. That is she needs to be over him and moved on by the time we are together.
I think it’s wrong for your partner to want to have a new relationship and yet STILL want some sort of friendship or psuedo-relationship with an ex. Nobody could convince me otherwise. You can’t have your cake and eat it
The only reason there should be any contact with an ex is if there’s a child involved. If there’s kids, you have to stay in contact with them for the kids’ sake. But if no kids involved, there really shouldn’t be any contact between exes
Yea staying in contact with your Ex is a red flag in my opinion unless there's like a divorced joint custody thing going on.
Me and my woman would have one unspoken rule : we always only have eyes and thoughts for each other and for each other's - 👀 👁️ - everything's 💞 😻 💞
In Terminator 3, "The T-850 was ordered only to target the T-X" - that's an awesome command programming. Lol. In the story, the robot does the exact order, and only targets the T-X during all scenes 🤝🙃
No it's not wrong, unless they have kids together. In that case, sorry they have to deal with each other. It's just part of the deal with him.
It depends but have to find some reasonable ground. First test if listening and change and letting go.
In general keep x out.
no bc it's YOUR relationship and everyone is different
just communicate your feelings and boundaries
Either you trust you are new significant other or you don't. I would have concerns if I have reasons to be concerned. It is possible for adults to break up and still be friends.
I would agree. You should not only be faithful but give no causes to doubt. Like Caesar's wife.
That is a huge red flag. It shows insecurity and control issues.
Who is your partner in a relationship with, you or their ex if they are constantly texting someone they dated for years and just broke up with before you? They are going to all their social events and not inviting you to come as well? They go to lunches with them, and still hang out with them all the time. Everybody on this platform is always talking about their boyfriend/girlfriend who cheated on them with their ex, so it's not insecurity if it's happening every day it seems to some other couple.
It should be a hard line.
Do not even date them if they keep in contact.
Walk away.
No. Not remotely. I certainly do not keep in contact make friends of exes. Correct, it is not considerate and frankly dishonorable towards your current relation to do so.
I agree. Because I still have sex with many exes.
I don't talk to my exes because if I do, I would be disrespecting myself.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want your partner talking to their ex.
I 100 percent agree with you, I don't believe there is any good reason to still be in contact with your ex when you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Don't give him your cake unless he quits it. That's pretty much the deal.
My wife sometimes still sleeps with her ex but she was clear about that from the start
Staying in contact with an ex is a huge red flag.
I've dated friends. We're still friends, not dating. If you don't trust me enough to hang out with my homies, that's your problem.
I only look at one thing if this is the case with my partner, who started the convo or what is the frequency then i decide whether its comfortable to have the other guy around
Yea, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t expect, accept it, or do that to my boyfriend cause it’s wrong
That would bother me too, but luckily that’s never happened to me
Tbh why keep In contact unless you are tied together by children or business
It's not wrong, but it's a sign of jealousy.
I feel like they're not really over their ex. If they're still talking to them. It's not healthy. People just need to move on from their ex.
Depends if they have child between them need to communicate.
I would not like it either.
Unless there are kids involved, no it's not wrong
Its perfectly normal
You're 100% correct.
I wouldn’t like it
No, understandable
No...
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