Big Sean said it best:
No Mistakes in life, it's only lessons
Here I was wanting to date a younger man, on this dating site. He was 10 years younger than I and a different race than I. That just excited me even more. To be honest we had nothing in common other that smoking. He was a complete oposite as far as interests not to mention a big age difference.
I always questioned why he even sent me a message, I really wasn't his type and he wasn't mine. We'd text and the conversation were just basic questions, he never mentioned sex or brought up the subject. There was no flirting compliments or any reason to think he was interested in me. Me being who I am (lonely) just went along and said hey, he could be a new platonic associate. Plus I wanted a new male friend in my life.
Moving on. He asked me if he could come over.. I agreed but first insisted on us hanging out somewhere else. It's like why do you want to come to my place if you are not interested in something physical (my thinking). Anyways I agreed. I still dont understand why he chose to come over a woman's house. He wasn't attracted to or wasn't feeling but he did. I guess I expected him to make a move on me. He never did and basically kept to himself the whole night. He engaged in little to no conversation with me, and was more concerned with the TV. It was so boring I started nodding off.
I kept trying to bring up random topic to get him to talk, he replied delayed or with a short response. When he wasn't making advances or gave me any recognition of existing. I wanted to tell him to leave instead, I hinted around "When are you leaving?". But I said it as a defense in a way. I regretted even letting him come over , and wish I wouldn't have. I knew he was about to leave when he started gathering his things. Instantly my mind told me to do something to try and intice him into staying. But then reality sunk in and said: No. It will not work and will make yourself look real stupid and feel worse. I listened to that voice of reason and did not make a move.
When he left something major happened. I broke down, I felt rejected, embarrased to be not good enough and just regretting the night. Being distraut and feeling insecure.
I went to Google and search for info on getting over rejection. And the worsening effects it has on an already insecure woman with low self-esteem. I found a site that said just because someone didn't act the way you wanted them to does not mean they rejected you. Well I took his behavior as rejection, he just wasn't interested. Period! I never blamed him for being attracted to whatever he was attracted to. But I hated that I let him come over and ignore me like that. I felt like I should have said something like why are you here, if you are not attracted to me. I know that sounds really immature but it's how I felt.
That very same site said something about people who can't accept things not going their way are "Emotionally Immature"! I researched the term read the definition and characteristics. Guess what? Bingo!! That's me. I had all but one characteristic of the term. One characteristic that really hit me reguarding the situation was:
One craves attention. An emotional immature person will often times demand immediate attention and are unable or unwilling to wait for it. He or she does not have the ability or desire to wait for fulfillment of his or her demands. These individuals are generally inconsiderate and exhibit tactless behavior.
This explains why I thought of trying to intice him visually. He did not owe me his attention or his sexual advances. I could go on and on about how I fit the criteria of this "Emotionally Immature" adult. The point and moral to this story is, I found out what was wrong with me. Alongside being insecure. It took a young man's disinterest for a 30 year old to learn something about herself. "Miss Grown woman" a man 10 years younger schooled me. I'm not shaming myself because we all can learn from anyone no matter the age.
Back to the post title...I thought me letting him come over was a mistake, and regretted it as I said. It still does hurt; he's like "the one that got away" but I'll get over it. I believe God lead him into my life for a quick second to teach me something very valuable. It had to happen and it was meant to happen so that, I could learn and mature. While he will go on forgetting me I will never forget him because of what he unintentionally taught me. Now I can try to work toward fixing my issues.
For those of you who dont know what "Emotionally Immature" is here a little bit of info..
Feel free to share your thoughts.