Being Single Shouldn’t be a Curse

[thecd1979]

Stop Making Yourself Miserable

If any of you have read my other myTakes then you know that I used to be that "nice guy". One thing I used to do that all "nice guys" do was whine and complain about how it was just so god awful and loney being single. I used to think and talk about being single like it was some kind of curse and believe that it wasn't possible to be happy without having a significant other in my life.

My friends at that time often got annoyed with my winning and complaining about being single because it was pretty much all I did. I brought into the mentality of needing to have a significant other in my life to be happy for the longest time and spent a lot of my younger years being miserable because of it.

There are many guys and girls right now that are miserable because they have fallen into this mentallity. If you are one of them, then it is you that I am trying to reach out to with this.

I partly blame society for brainwashing so many people into thinking that they have to have a significant other in their lives, or be married to be a complete and normal functioning adult. I wrote this more directed

We are All Brainwashed

Sappy cheesy movies preach that love conquers all. They teach young men that the way to a women's heart is by constantly annoying her, not respecting her space and wishes to be left alone, and bothering her until you win her over. Hollywood paints the picture that all successful happy men and women are married, or at the very least have a significant other in their lives that "completes them". It tells you that if you aren't taken that you have to be miserable, lonely and couldn't possibly be happy. The boy band songs on the radio preach that a guy is supposed to be some lonely girls savior and that every woman is waiting for their knight in shinning armor to rescue them and until then they are just supposed to be lonely and miserable.

In some kind of way many people are brainwashed by the media and entertainment, and that's what makes it hard for many to see this scenario for what it really is. A lot of people don't see this for what it really is until after many heartaches and headaches. It isn't until much later on in their lives that they see it for what it was. I was one of these people that had to learn the hard way.

The reality is that being single is going to be exactly what you make of it. When I was younger I CHOOSE to be miserable, complain, and mope around . If you CHOOSE to mope around and whine about how terrible and lonely it is without a partner in your life then yeah, it's going to suck and it's going to suck bad. It certainly did for me. However, if you choose to make the most out of being single and focus on yourself, your goals, the plans for your life, doing things you enjoy on your leisure time and just living life without the commitments of a relationship, then it can be an adventerous and exciting time. It certainly was for me once I stopped worrying about trying to meet someone and just focused on myself.

It doesn't have to be doom and gloom. If it is, then you're CHOOSING to make it that way and have no one to blame but your self for how unhappy you are. I realize this is probably what most of you don’t want to hear but this is what it is. I had to figure this out the hard way. Life is too short to be moping and and unhappy. Figure out who you are and what your purpose in life is. You need to truly know and love yourself before you can do the same for someone else. Until then I can promise you that you are not going to meet a quality partner.

When Things Changed for Me

I really can't say what got me to finally stop worrying about finding a partner and finally focus on myself. Maybe it was growing up a little and realizing there were more important things in life, maybe it was being tired of all the headaches and being frustrated and miserable all the time, but either way I eventually stopped worrying about it and thats when things changed for me.

I got off the dating sites, I stopped bugging random women for their phone number when I was out and about. I went back to school, started working evenings and got a place of my own. I kept myself busy, I set goals for myself, started making plans for my life and reconnected with some old friends and made some new ones. When I went out with my friends I made the focus of the night having fun and hanging out instead of trying to meet someone. This is when things changed for me and when women started taking an interest in me.

They started taking an interest in me because I now had self esteem and loved myself. I was confident and knew who I was and it showed. It’s the same way it shows for a guy that is not confident and lacks self esteem. Insecurity, lack of confidence and self esteem are not attractive qualities and you will never catch the interest of a quality partner as long as you display these qualities.

So if your doing this please slow down and take a step back. Start thinking about who you are, what you want out of your life and make a plan to make things happen. You need to put dating and picking up women on the back burner and make your goals and plans in your life the priority. Don’t wait to learn the hard way about this like I did. Start making things happen for you now.

I am not implying everyone on here is a loser with no job or ambition. I’m sure there are those of you that have things going in your life. The point I am trying to make is that if you think this way you are going to keep yourself miserable. Please break out of this mentality, you have a choice.

[GoldenSunshine]

I can say that being in a happy relationship as I'm in has made my life so much better than when I was single, though I never felt unhappy when I was single. I live with the philosophy that you have to be happy with being with yourself before being able to have a healthy relationship. I didn't get into a relationship until I found the person that I could see myself being with for a lifetime. Being single is so much better and more fun than a single fling or a not so serious relationship in my opinion, so I never was unhappy with being single and I never will.
Being in a relationship, as they say, is just being yourself but being it with someone else. Don't expect that a relationship will change your life drastically because it won't, and if you weren't happy before you most likely won't feel any better being in a relationship.

[queenmariereigns]

It's important to be happy with yourself because if your SO dumps you then you won't be happy if you depended on them for your happiness

[Anonymous]

Great article. You're very spot on how society and the media makes it seem like we must be in a relationship or even getting laid. You gotta be happy with yourself first before any of that.

That being said, my issue is finding a relationship where the interest is mutual. I've been on a countless amount of dates with different women that have just gone nowhere. The ones who wanted to stay with me in the long run I didn't like and vice versa. And for the ones I did like, it's like I'd have 1-4 dates tops and then never hear from them.

Do you think it's the fact I'm meeting these women off dating sites and the fact almost everyone multi dates and has lots of opportunities?

[Opinion Owner]

P. S. I don't sit there and whine or complain about single but that issue has still been going on for awhile.

[krash2002]

I think some people try too hard to be in a relationship. Thus, causing themselves emotional pain by just "dating anyone". Which leads to a failed relationship, and then remorse about it.

Being single isn't a bad thing, but after dating around quite a bit when I was younger, and now being married. I very much prefer being married over being single. The joy of sharing exciting experiences with my wife. Is something that brings an abundance of joy to my life. We travel, go to church, try new restaurants, exercise, read books together, and make sure that we always fall asleep in the same room. This might sound corny to some, but to us. It has changed our lives for the better.

As for the guy annoying the girl until he gets her. I will somewhat disagree with that. However, stalking a woman, texting her constantly, or following her in a creepy manner doesn't work. On the contrary, if she turns you down for a date, and you know there's something to be had that's within legal limits. Then it's ok to be persistent. My grandma refused my grandpa over 30 times when they were in college. He would bring her flowers to her dorm, wash her car after she parked it, brought her cooked meals that he made, and wrote a few letters along the way. After all of this, I'm proud to say that we just go done celebrating their 70th anniversary. To which they've been happily married for all those years.

You're idea of taking a step back is a good. Let yourself be happy by yourself, and then you can find happiness with someone else. As the old poetic saying goes "One must love themselves before they can love someone else.".

Good luck to all those who are single, and I hope you find that special someone someday, but until then. Enjoy life, and sleeping in peace without a snoring spouse (My wife does snore, but I love her to bits.).

[bloodmountain1990]

I agree. Dating for the sake of dating is desperate and a waste of time. Like if you're lacking physical attraction or emotional connection and no click, you gotta have a little of both, then it just won't feel right. It doesn't make you happier than not having anyone.

[TheSkaFish]

@krash2002 , that story about your grandparents is sweet. I wish people were still like that. It's another thing that makes me believe that being nice was actually valued once, unlike in today's world which is all about "edginess" and being "hard". It gets me down that sweetness is seen as weakness nowadays.

[krash2002]

@bloodmountain1990 That's absolutely true. A relationship takes much more than having the credentials to date. Chemistry must be had, but also the idea of understanding what a relationship is. Too many times people want a relationship to be one specific entity, but it's truly a room full of different entities.

[krash2002]

@TheSkaFish It has saddened me as well. However, there is an upside as though girls may often be attracted to confident @ssholes. Gentlemen can still come out on top. Just have to look at the girl, and make her realize that a guy can be genuinely nice, and not have alternate motives.

When I first started dating my wife. It took her over 6 months to be convinced that I wasn't just another @sshole that would eventually stand her up, and leave. We took things slow, and I continued life without being overly nice, and stopping everything to woo her. I just opened the car door for her, bought her dinner, talked to her, and got to know her. After a while, she realized that I was different, and the confidence that I had in my career, at church, with my friends and family, and everything else we had together. Eventually won her over, and the rest is history.

[TheSkaFish]

@krash2002 , for me, it's not that women are afraid I'm one of those over-confident assholes. It's that they don't date me because I'm not one of those "cool", "edgy", trouble-maker type over-confident assholes. It really tears me up, because I'll have things in common with these women or at least be able to have good conversations with them, and they've said sweet things to me, and even expressed some interest in my life. I feel like there's something to go on, because with most women there's just no overlap at all.

I think it's partially because my confidence isn't so great, I'm not experienced and forget that overly nice isn't always good, I don't have my life together, and I don't have an interesting enough identity. But I just don't know... I worry that even if I fix those things I won't be able to get the women I like to see me as something better. I worry that I'll be the same old story - "not good enough". I just wish I knew what to do because these girls are really special.

[krash2002]

@TheSkaFish I would honestly focus on yourself first. Worry about girls after you come to be the person who you respect, enjoy, and are confident in. I had a near death experience a few years ago, and when I finally got out of the hospital. I decided it was time to change everything. From working out, going back to church, getting a degree, finding a high-end job, dressing nicer, eating healthier, and overall being just a happy person. That is when my life started to truly improve.

If you're worried that if a girl can't love you now at your worst, and you're wondering if she deserves you at your best. Well, you're basically in the same boat of having $20,000 in your pocket, going to a car dealership, and seeing two cars. One is a brand new 2015 Ford Focus for exactly $20,000 after taxes, and the other is a run down Nissan Maxima with scratches, dings, worn tires, and is super dirty for $10,000. I'm guessing you'll go for the better deal, and buy the Focus. Girls look at guys the same

[TheSkaFish]

@krash2002 , yeah, when you put it that way I don't blame them. I understand that, if that was the reason. I'm like that dirty, beat up, $10K Altima, but I want to be a shiny new Shelby Mustang. The problem is, I'm not yet. If I were, I think I should have been able to get at least one of those girls, but they were aligned with what I want to be, not what I actually was then.

I guess I have a long way to go and I try to tell myself to be happy in the meantime. But I just wish I knew I'd get a second chance with those special girls I met. They're the kind I've always wanted in my life. There won't be anyone better. I don't want to do all that hard work for nothing, because if I could do it when it doesn't count, why couldn't I have done it when it counted for everything? I'd be so mad at myself.

[thecd1979]

@TheSkaFish I can see that you have much to learn and that you lack confidence. Things are not going to change in your life until you do what you need to do to make them change. There was a time when I was just like you, wondering about what would of, could of and should have been with those certain girls that I knew that got away. I can tell you right now that nothing is going to change until you get your life together and and figure out who you are and what you want. A GOOD woman is going to be attracted to a guy that has his shit together and carries himself in a way that with out even saying anything says “I got this” They aren’t going to be attracted to the guy that complains and whines about how nobody likes him and how unfair things are. Thats not attractive. I used to do these things also and Iooking back I couldn’t blame these women for not taking an interest in me. Take that step back that I mentioned and focus on you. Nothing will change until you do.

[TheSkaFish]

I feel like it's such a long shot though. If self-improvement doesn't get me those girls, then I'd have done a lot of work for nothing. I guess I'm not doing anything anyway, but that's what keeps me from working on myself, the idea that no matter what I do, I'll never be strong enough to break free of the story of not being good enough to get what I want.

And not all the guys that got the girls I wanted had their shit together either. They ranged from not that bad but nothing special or better than me either, down to a druggie suicidal delinquent fuck-up. That shattered my confidence completely.

That's the thing about being shit on - it erodes a person's confidence and increases self-doubt because it proves any confidence I had to be wrong and any self-doubt I had to be right. Then, because I have no confidence from the last time I was shit on, I say and do the same things that get me shit on again. And the story of being someone who is not good enough continues. Its a vicious cycle

[ObscuredBeyond]

I have often longed for a woman. But I'd rather be alone than with the wrong woman. For me, it's a challenge to see if I can learn to find one that is worthy. What saddens me is not that I have to be so alone, but that there are so many women out there who are not worth a man's pursuit. Who are unfit for dogs to want to be around. Who would pretend to be a friend to my face even as they plot evil concerning me waiting for the right method and opportunity to show themselves - all for the hell of it.

I dread loneliness, but I dread betrayal, abandonment, and being framed / set up even more. That is why I don't make more of an effort to meet women.

In Hollywood, you walk up to a girl in a bar and ask her for sex out of the blue. The worst you get is a drink thrown in your face.

In real life, you ask her for directions because there's some other building you're trying to find, and she calls the bouncers and maybe the cops too. And you hear some lecture about the evils of sexual harassment from her supervisor as the bar throws you out, when you didn't even mention anything of the sort. (The building being one for film auditions for a zombie film, not anything remotely sexual.)

That was the mentality of my old college town, and why I would probably never visit that town again without a really good reason.

Not having a wife when in one's 30s burns. But hiding from the world is better than being constantly surrounded by enemies that can't give a single applicable valid reason for why they hate you so much.

They wonder why more of us men are so reclusive? It's because it's impossible to go anywhere without getting ganged up on by assholes.

[thecd1979]

I must say, I’ve never had the problem of being ganged up on by assholes and I’m in my thirties. Take that step back that I mentioned and stop looking, stop thinking about it, stop bugging the ladies and just focus on you. If it’s meant to, be a worthy one will come along when the time is right, if not then you should be ok with that, you need to make your own happiness and not depend on others for that. Like I mentioned focus on yourself and doing things on your leisure time that you love. You need to be living and loving life if you ever hope to get the attention of a potential worthy partner.

[ObscuredBeyond]

You assume I'm "bugging" them. Yet, I give them a lot more space than any other, taking pains to not get in the way.

[Anonymous]

I agree that insecurity, lack of confidence, and lack of self-esteem are problematic for dating, in addition to being boring.

But I do feel like being single is, in fact, a curse. It's like being poor, or not being good at the stuff you want to be good at. It's being forced into a box, being held down, being imprisoned in a life you don't want being someone you don't want to be. That's the problem I have with it. It's seeing all these other people, in particular guys, who just get all day with little to no effort - money, stuff, abilities, women, you name it - then looking at yourself and feeling like you're in this life to be one of the ones who doesn't get. It wears on a person. For me, I just want to make this singleness end, for a lot of reasons. One because I want to experience a relationship, but also because I want to know I have the power to beat my singleness. I sort of understand the gangster-rap mentality, I want to have the experience of having the stuff life says is reserved for people it says are "better" than me. I want the feeling of beating life, of hitting it back. I want to break the story life tried to force on me. Maybe it's not enlightened, but it's how I've always felt. I've always wanted to break free and beat the system. I want to prove to myself that I can do it, like I am the driving force in my life. I want to prove that I can be a chooser.

It just sounds too much like giving up to me. I don't trust luck to deliver me a relationship, because when I met the girls I wanted it let me down. I have to plan and work for everything I want in life, I'm not one of those people who just lucks into stuff. If I leave it up to luck, I'm sure I'll be single for life. And I don't want that.

[Opinion Owner]

I also just feel like it depends how you view it. You're right in that being single doesn't HAVE to be a problem, like, people shouldn't feel obligated to be in a relationship just because, or feel bad that they don't have one. But if you do feel like it's a problem, then I do feel you should try to make a plan and solve it like any other.

[thecd1979]

Once again, being single is going to be exactly what you make of it. If you want to see it as a problem then thats exactly what it’s going to be. If your moping around and unhappy because of it then you have no one to blame but yourself for that. Just FYI the guys that get the girls are not the ones that are moping around and complaining about how they can’t get a date and are how they are going to be single forever. The guys that get the attention of the girls are the guys that are out there living their life and who are happy and confident. These guys know who they are and what they want. Whining, complaining, moping around is not attractive and the ladies (especially the attractive ones) steer clear of guys like this. Not trying to bust your chops or come across as offensive, but this is what it is. I was once where you were, give it time and take that step back that I mentioned.

[Opinion Owner]

I've had some bad experiences. I've seen some really shitty guys get really exceptional girls.

One of the most attractive, interesting, and all-around awesome girls I've ever met, went to an, ambitionless, cocky pothead who I would say was not a good-looking guy at all. Another girl who used to be really sweet to me wound up with an even worse-looking tough-guy meathead who tried to commit suicide by overdosing on hard drugs and almost went to jail. Sounds like a real winner.

When things like that have happened to me, you can see how being positive about dating isn't the easiest thing for me to do. I've definitely experienced like you said, where the attractive girls stay away from guys who complain and mope, but I just wish I knew for sure that self-improvement would make a difference instead of just get me more nothing. I guess I might as well try, but it seems like such a small hope.

[Bluemax]

I don't think that the desire to be with someone that about 95% of all humanity exhibits has anything to do with societal brainwashing. In contemporary hunter gatherer groups, they have the institute of marriage and the desire to be in love is just as strong with them as anyone else. You can't claim that this is due to "sappy romantic comedies" when these people haven't even seen a TV. The same goes for virtually all primates. They don't fare as well alone as they do with a mate. The same is true for cetaceans. That people want a mate because they've been brainwashed by society is laughable. People want it because 2 million years of human evolution has made it so.

You seem to think that because you did stupid and foolish things in your youth, many who are unhappy about being single (and for some reason you choose the word "miserable," which is not the same as "unhappy") must be doing the same stupid and foolish things you did.

[thecd1979]

Yeah you got a good point that finding a mate has been programmed in pretty much every living creature from the beginning of time. I can’t dispute that. I just want to help anyone I can to not do the stupid and foolish things I did when I was a young man. It true enough that not everyone is going to the extremes I did, but I am certain that there are plenty of those guys on here, and those are the ones I want to reach out to. I wish I had someone to tell me about all the things I am sharing here when I was younger.

[tiredofwaiting]

I complained for the longest time that I am single but you made some really good points. I don't have high self esteem or love myself. I cannot expect someone else to love me if I hate myself. I am not going to rely on someone to make me happy I need to find happiness within. I feel like my reasoning for doing it was the media saying you had to have someone to be happy which is ridiculous. I am learning how to be happy on my own. But I also get pressured and harassed by people especially my family if I have a boyfriend. My reason for staying single is because I want to attract normal people into my life. I had people interested but they are all the wrong people. I am not going to date the wrong person just to have someone. I need to work on myself first. I am not going to lie I do question is there something wrong with me for being single all the time?

[thecd1979]

Good on you for not accepting less then what you deserve, too many women these days are doing that just for the sake of being abel to say they have a “boyfriend” Stick to what your doing. If it’s meant to be the right person will come along, probably when you least expect it and meeting someone is the last thing on your mind.

[JustinX9]

I've been sad for not having a girlfriend since birth, when I read your take now it make sense... I think it's better for me to focus on my career and hobbies than chasing girls... But my inexperience makes me sad also for not able to pick up when a girl gives me an interest or I never get interest at all and I'm assuming things. Not having any successful attempts at women won't help my self esteem more, rather than wonder why I'm always lacking and not good enough. I've decided to give up on romance and spend my time wisely

[thecd1979]

It all comes down to that if it’s meant to be the RIGHT person will eventually come along. You have to be at the point that if it wasn’t to happen you would be ok with it because you are already happy and don’t need a partner in your life to make you happy. A partner should be seen as someone that compliments you, rather than completing you.

[JustinX9]

True that... well its just so awkward when I hang out with my friends and they bring their girlfriend... and other people ask a lot why I still don't have a girlfriend... I admit that I'm picky but I'm only attracted to cute and beautiful girls...

[DarkHumorRUs]

But people become SO MUCH HAPPIER when they are in a good relationship. And good relationships are not THAT rare.

I want to have someone to share experiences with, and who I can be close to and intimate with. Someone who is my partner in crime for everything.

I'm simply fucking curious about what it's like to have a girlfriend, and that curiosity is killing me.

What's wrong with that?

[thecd1979]

Never said there is anything wrong with it, just not to let it be what defines you and thinking a relationship is what is going to make you happy, you have to make your own happiness

[DarkHumorRUs]

I'm as happy as I can be in my current shitty situation.

[BritishMarshmallow]

Thank you for this MyTake. I'm currently studying Thermal Engineering. I'm in my 4th semester and I plan on doing a professional licence afterwards.

I have some ideas of what I want to do: I want to get a job that I like, I want to go hiking and see some of the best places the world has to offer.

But I would also like to do these things with someone else, and share the moments with them; because I think to myself, why bother having an amazing experience, if you're doing it alone.

I'm sure things will work out for me, I'll keep working at what I want out of life and hopefully, someone will want to share it with me.

[meatballs21]

This is a good take.

The only thing I'd say is that loneliness and a need for affection *is* real and can hit you hard when you least expect it. So by all means, live an awesome life for yourself and be single, but at the same time don't be so blinkered that you aren't receptive to potential love interests you might encounter.

[thecd1979]

oh, yes I agree, some people like to think that I am saying not to talk to anyone. I’m just stating to not let it bring you down and make you un happy if something doesn’t come about from meeting someone, or if you don’t run across someone. Dating and guys or girls should be a lower priority, especially if your young and trying to get things in your life together.

[mickylad]

Fantastic article!!!
Single going on 8 years & love it. I travel the world (atm living and working in sweden)

I can relate tall up above. When I was younger I had low self esteem and wasn't the prettiest guy around. But since I stopped thinking of career or women my life changed

[Dylanguest1989]

I'm lonely at times
But not lonely enough to just go get whoever
Like if I had a million dollars, I'd just go on vacations and what not, I don't need a girl friend for that. If it happens then great if not I'm okay being alone, with true family and friends I'm not alone anyway.

[Anonymous]

It's only a curse because of feminist brainwash... which dictates that men need women in their lives for happiness.

This couldn't be further from the truth!! Men have always been ill-advised to keep the company of women. Wake up men!

[Navier-Stokes]

Yeah... A twenty something that thinks he's solved all the mysteries. Gawd, you kids are cute!

[Opinion Owner]

This mystery has been solved by (almost) every single civilization and culture since time immemorial.

Stop spreading feminist lies. Women may be needed for some things... but certainly not happiness!! Women can only ruin happiness. No wonder the rise of women has led to a steep rise in mental illness. One in 4 women is on meds and 80% of you have admitted to being depressed or unable to cope.

[ObscuredBeyond]

Re-read Paul. Each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. However, it is not required; nor should any man be shamed if he is better alone and can control himself.

[Opinion Owner]

But they are referring to a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT arrangement called marriage.

Modern marriage in which women have a choice of partner, is about love, trust, respect, equality and all that BS. Women were NEVER for company. They were property to be caged in the house.

[Opinion Owner]

Women have always been hated and called evil. They have been kept separated and subjugated. A woman's place is in submission...

Keeping the company of women only gays and sissies used to do. Women were never allowed in public life. Wake up!!

[Navier-Stokes]

Wow were you raped as a child? You sound really desperate for female attention. Maybe you should stop repeating this nonsense you were fed by the people who have more brain power than you. It's not doing you any good. Now go to your mom and tell her you believe she's a piece of turd because she's a woman who gave birth to a hit bag of fresh manure that is you.

[Allforit]

It's about time someone actually post something like this. 👌🏾 I totally agree.

[MCkart]

Really good take. Its good to see that people are realising such stuff and stepping out of the mental and emotional prison.

[TheHooptyMiata]

Being single is awesome! Why keep chewing the same gum if there's a fresh stick sitting at the bar?

[John_Doesnt]

It shouldn't be, but it is.

[frozenhorizon]

If that's what you thin it is for you, then that's what it is.

[BackInGame]

>OP is ugly
>keep coping bro

[Anonymous]

correctomundo?

[Anonymous]

I don't like you.