How to Know You're Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder and Why You Should RUN if You Are

A few months ago I had the unfortunate luck of getting involved with a girl who I'm fairly sure has BPD. To be clear I don't know for a fact if she did, but after spending countless hours reading up on people who've dated people with BPD and the disorder the similarities are uncanny. Either way, you should run if you encounter someone like this. I'm 27 and have had my fair share of romantic experiences and heartbreaks, but dating someone with BPD is like nothing else. It WILL break you down and WILL completely fuck you up mentally. Some poor bastards kill themselves over situations like this.

How to Know You're Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder and Why You Should RUN if You Are

So what exactly is BPD? Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from only a few hours to days. It is estimated that about 5% of the population suffers from BPD and about 70-80% are females. Now to be clear, people with BPD are not bad people, they are victims to the disease and are the ones that suffer the most. They don't do what they do out of hate or purpose, they don't even realise they're doing it most of the time.

Here are the red flags to look out for:

1. Very intense, very fast

You just started dating, but you two are already hitting it off amazingly well, better than anyone else you've dated or been involved with in your life. This girl is absolutely CRAZY about you. She will give you the most sincere compliments every chance she gets. She'll tell you how much she likes you or how fast she's falling for you or how amazing you are. It's not uncommon for them to drop the love bomb after only knowing you for 2-4 weeks. She'll tell you how incredibly happy she is that you're together. She'll make it sound as if you two are soulmates and are going to be together forever. For some weird reason, a lot of people mention the intense stare, it's going to feel like they can see right through you and will completely melt you. Basically, it's going to seem like something out of Hollywood. The worst part is that she believes everything she says because at that moment it's true, but ONLY in that moment. You will never experience a higher high than dating someone with BPD, no other girl will or has ever compared, that's what makes this experience so devastating because when they have you, they REALLY have you. That's their hook, they NEED you to be completely hooked on them. Once they have you hooked.....

How to Know You're Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder and Why You Should RUN if You Are

2. Hot/Cold

She made you sound as if you're her soulmate and the very next day or whatever she will want nothing to do with you. Now to be clear this isn't your normal slowly being more and more distant when you're not interested in someone, it is VERY abrupt and VERY confusing and will leave you wondering "what the hell just happened? did I do something wrong?". It happens at a snap of a finger with absolutely no warning or reason what-so-ever. It's very interesting why they do this. It's human nature to want something that you enjoy after it's taken away from you. It's one way addiction is developed and that's their goal, you being addicted to them. Most people in this situation chase and do everything they can to get back that amazing person they were seeing.

3. Abandonment issues

The reason they want you to adore them is because of their abandonment issues. You see, people don't abandon someone they adore, it also makes them feel in control. She will most likely have issues with one or both of her parents being cold or abandoning her growing up. It's fairly common for her parents to be divorced and them to have remarried with others multiple times (may have a genetic factor). They could have also had a past partner abandon them. The girl I dated had divorced parents (REALLY took a toll on her), an inattentive father, and had a guy she was seeing/in love with knock up another girl while she was going through a medical emergency.

4. History of other mental issues and/or self-harm

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Cutting, thoughts of suicide, and suicide attempts are common. They also have a very low self-esteem.

5. Drug/Alcohol dependency

6. History of cheating/high number of sexual partners

Also, in their previous relationships there were multiple breakups and getting back together.

7. Lying

This is one of the reasons they hook you so well. They will tell you exactly what they know you want to hear in order to get you hooked. That's why the high is so high, they mold themselves into the perfect person based off what you want. This will leave you wondering and not knowing who she really is.

8. Mood swings

9. Sexually confident/kinky

She's probably going to be into some kinky shit

10. Piercings and tattoos

Some of the piercings will be in uncommon locations, think kinky

11. Thrill-seeking behavior

Well that's most of the signs to look out for. I'm sure there's more, but those are the major ones. Obviously, just because a person has a few of these it doesn't mean she/he has BPD, someone with BPD will have the majority of them (the first 3 are a must). Now I know you're probably reading this and thinking "WHY THE FUCK would you stick around with all those red flags?" The answer is simple, when they have you hooked you'll overlook most of these and think that you're different because of how much she's into you. You know what they say, the devil isn't going to appear like the devil. No the devil, will seem like a wonderful and amazing person at first and then screw you over when you least expect it. That's what makes this type of person so dangerous to be with, their unpredictable behaviour and ability to get so close to you. She or he will at first appear so perfect that you would never expect the shit-storm that she or he will bring later on.

If you ever run into someone like this, RUN. It will be EXTREMELY difficult to do because of the strong feelings/connection you feel, but this person WILL fuck up your life and doesn't truly care about you, you're just someone to fill in their empty void. I was lucky enough to only have a short fling, but many poor bastards end up with a person like this for years and it brings nothing but misery. Even though they only make up about 5% of the population, these girls are fairly promiscuous so chances are you'll probably run into one if you haven't already.

Later and be careful out there.

How to Know You're Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder and Why You Should RUN if You Are

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I know people who have BPD and quite literally the majority of this list could be applicable to people with no mental illness. 2,3,5,67,9, 10, and 11 are things that people who don't suffer from mental illness do and you don't even bother to explain 5, 8, or 11 and how they're related to BPD. This sounds like you just had a bad run in with one girl and you dismiss it as 'oh, well, she's just acting like this because of her mental disorder'.

    You sound like a closed minded person and you are generalizing. Your the type of person that makes people with mental illnesses like myself reluctant in trusting someone with our health issues because you use it against us and like a weapon instead of maybe admitting that you may be doing something wrong OR that your personalities simply don't mesh regardless of the disorder.

    I pity whoever dates you next. You don't sound very helpful. It's obvious this Take was written by someone who has no experience or credit behind their names. People like you, male or female, are the reason mental illness has such a stigma behind it and I mean ANY illness, not just BPD. You should probably do some actual research before you spout out information about a topic you're ignorant on.

    Horrible Take and poorly written with no support to back up claims.

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    • ... so how was your afternoon?

      I don't see this as using anything against anyone, nor containing anything that should make people feel bad. He was just stating facts.

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    • Sorry if I offended you, that's not the point of this mytake at all. I don't wish to paint anyone with a mental disorder as a bad person because quite simply they're not and are actually the biggest victims in this unfortunate situation. The entire purpose of this mytake is to educate people on this disorder and why it's unhealthy to date someone like this until she/he gets the help they need to get their life in order. Just like it would be unwise to date an addict, it would be unwise to date someone with an uncontrolled mental illness. It's all about causing as little harm to everyone involved. I think I covered this topic fairly well for a brief mytake that gets to the point. The aim of this mytake wasn't to go in depth of this disorder, it was just about giving enough information so people can spot someone who may be suffering from this disorder, that's all. Also, I think I more than qualify to upload this considering my background. You're right, I will never know for a fact if the

    • girl I dated had bpd for sure, but from everything that I know about her and all she's told me she fits the description very well and under DSM she would be classified as having BPD. Thanks for your input.

Most Helpful Guy

  • YUP! But they will go on here and explain why and how they can date when they have a mental illness. When you call them on it they go fukkin ballistic. LOL

    No well adjusted adult wants to babysit another adult. Just move on.

    And yes, these BPD crazy bitches will stalk you, fake pregnancy, play games, inflict revenge, they'll show up at your work, embarrass you, accuse you of rape, the list goes on and on and on. NUTS!

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What Girls Said 7

  • We need some love too, and those traits that you listed don't even describe someone with BPD. Some do, but some don't. And the only reason why we are the way we are, is because no one is there for us. If someone would just simply be there for us, we wouldn't be the way we are. But the less people wanna help us do whatever we can to help ourselves, the worse we get. We need someone for once. We don't need the person to be in a relationship with us to be there for us. Just being a close friend is good enough. But being there as a partner is no different than being there as a friend. The only difference is the title, and how close 'n' intimate you 2 are. So if them having BPD keeps you from dating them; due to how much it causes a negative drain on you, then being there as even just a friend is still gonna drain you either way.

    Plus most people worthy of love are usually the most damaged ones, because they are the most loving 'n' caring people that go through hell just to get the love the give out that they never once gotten from others. But yet they never get it. And each time, people wanna make it worse by making them feel unloved more 'n' more each day.

    It's not their fault, and I have noticed the part where you stated they someone with BPD is a victim, and I will agree that it's best to not date them until they heal. But I wouldn't suggest that someone tries helping them but then only wants to date them after they healed, but to have wanted to date them for quite some time, but then waited until they helped them to finally take things much futher.

    Baby steps are needed. No need to rush, we want someone there for us, but not too quickly nor too slowly.

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  • This was spot on. I have been acquantinces and friends with women in the past who have let me know they've been diagnosed with BPD, and none of the friendships worked out , or I noticed some pretty big red flags in their behavior and swperated myself from them. All were compulsive liars , but told insane lies that made it clear they just wanted to lie for the fun of it , one cheated on her boyfriend but made it a deal to slut shame someone who had multiple sex partners , all had serious mental health issues to where I wouldn't know if they'd just snap and hurt someone or themselves , and they all had serious attention issues and craved male attention to the point where it got ridiculous. I try to understand and have sympathy for all mental health issues , but I've had a hard time trusting and befriending people with BPD.

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  • these traits kinda only pertain to western women in western society.

    in Asian society women are a lot more cunning and careful about their image especially in front of guys.

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  • this describes most American males trying to get sex.

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  • Interesting. According to this, I may have BPD

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  • I agree that BPD is a tough one - a relative of mine was diagnosed with it. I even agree that people with this diagnosis shouldn’t date until they get a handle on their life.

    But your take is really irresponsible. You can’t use google and then paint yourself as an expert.

    Sexually confident = mentally ill?
    Tattoos = mentally ill?

    Come on man.

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  • I would like to help that person instead of leaving.

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    • You can't help them when they want nothing to do with you after they're done idolizing you.

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    • @JohnDoe3000 yeah but having hope is a good thing

    • You're good person. Thank you for your comments

What Guys Said 12

  • The stigma against people with mental illness is bad enough without things like this. Some of these illnesses run in families so it isn't even their fault their brain chemistry is different or whatever. I'm sorry about what you went through but when people have the courage to seek help and get medicated they can regulate their behavior. Bipolar disorder runs in my family and my uncle is the only one who didn't get help for it. He can't function and he tried to steal another family member's identity. Everyone else with the disease are pretty high functioning.

    Most importantly, people struggling with mental illness need to believe they can be successful and function within society with the right kind of help and support structure. Hell it can be the only thing that keeps them going. They need to believe that they can live a normal life or at least as normal as possible. They have dreams and aspirations that are even more admirable to achieve with the struggles of mental illness.

    You're usually your own worst enemy when dealing with mental illness. Living with it can be a real kick in the ass. You just gotta keep getting back up again. Can't let the stigma surrounding it to get in your way either.

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  • Solid take. My older brother spent 10 years with a bi-polar girl and everything you say lines up with her on every level. She basically made his life he'll, he'd be thinking that things were going well then out of nowhere she'd throw a spanner in the works. He'd nurse her through her lows and reign her in on her highs.
    Everywhere she went she attracted trouble or something happened to her. I remember during the last 2 years they were together she was the "victim" of a series of unfortunate events in which she accidentally electrocuted herself, received death threats from her landlord, had some random chick break her nose, burnt her arm acid, got hit by a cop car, arrested for jay walking, held in contempt of court, had the repo men seize all her and my brother's processions, spend all their joint savings and put my brother into debt, got fired for being drink at work, died on the operating table, drunk drive through a shop window, got caught shoplifting, provoked my brother into punching her by beating him to get him arrested which she had already called the cops before she starred. In the end he found out she had been cheating on him with a waiter and that their had been other guys and dumped her, i was glad because id been telling him to dump her for years and when they broke up for a bit a few years before that and was dating a lovely girl i told him not to get back with her as shed only make your life miserable. In the end he hung himself on the back of a door, we found him to late after hearing a few hours later he'd dumped her. We only started to piece the details together bit by bit months after by which stage she had moved another guy into their home, she had tried to empty his personal savings account and had an argument with the bank manager and later had been to were he worked to try and cash in a hefty bonus he had earned, she also tried to sell his car and his house. Truth is bi polar women are definitely a red flag in my opinion anyway there may be some guys who disagree and I say they are free to date them.

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  • Why I'd rather just stay single and jack off (done so past 12 years) than settle for some crazy girl with more issues than Rolling Stone that I'm better off without. Been there, done that enough times I've had my fill of those for the next 200 years even if I lived that long.

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    • Yeah and it's not just even just what happens during the duration you date them, but the mental damage it can leave after it ends. Mental scars last longer than physical ones.

  • Some of these "red flags" as you call it are normal human behavior actually.

    Also if you'd take these red flags so serious, you will end up with no woman matching your filter.

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    • Yes, a lot of them are normal, but having most of these, especially the first 5 or 6 isn't. It's pretty obvious you've never dated a woman like this (be glad), otherwise you would know this isn't your normal person. A normal person does not treat you like the best thing since sliced bread one minute then want absolutely nothing to do with you at a snap of a finger for no reason. It's the abruptness and irrational reason (there is no reason hence why it's so irrational) that makes them stand out. Also, most people don't self harm or have suicidal thoughts/attempts, something that is extremely common with this disorder. You need to look at the big picture and not each individual flag. This isn't something to brush off, these people are out there and they WILL do some real damage if they manage to hook you. I'm legit terrified of ever dating someone like this again just as every other person that has dated someone like this is. I highly suggest you take this mytake seriously.

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    • @Unit1 there's plenty of sexually confident women who aren't like this though

    • @bloodmountain1990 I know, that not all women are the same, sexually confident or not.

  • I haven't been diagnosed but I do think I might have Borderline. This Take is pretty accurate.

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    • You should look into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) if you haven't already, I've heard it's very helpful if you stick to it for years. Sucks man, I hope you manage to get over your demons. I really do, it's sad meeting someone who you know is a wonderful person, but just a victim to a disease that ends up ruining their life. Best of luck man!

    • Thanks it means a lot.

  • Dude you are 100% spot on. This sounds like that girl I dated who was on the rebound and ended up being a sociopath. I've told you about this girl before and it fucked me up severely. It fucked me up to the point where I got so detached and way less trusting that I've been dating the girl steadily for the last 2 months and still have a hard time opening up emotionally. She's cool and I have no issues with her otherwise.

    But this girl I'm talking about is the one I had a lot in common with but then invited me to her place and asked me to go into her bedroom with a condom wrapper from another dude. The worst part about it is afer she did that and ditched me to make out with another guy after running into her 4 months later is that she acts like it's somehow my fault for her behavior.

    What also pisses me off is that when it fucks you up, people act like you're a psycho for being so hurt from dating a person like this.

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    • And by the way you are absolutely right. The devil doesn't appear as the devil, it appears as someone sweet and everything you wanted. Not that I'm putting this girl on a pedestal but it was awesome to find a girl that shared the same interests as me so I could share them with. Most of the girls I'd date were bad conversationalists and had nothing in common with me. Sure they were cute but we didn't click.

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    • Even when she asked to get drinks with me that night and she got in my car, she's like I didn't expect to see you here. Did you just come to the concert just to see me?

    • I don't know if that girl has a history of depression, self-harm, etc. I don't even know if i got to know the real her.

  • I thought it was non-pc to reject a freak for being a freak these days? Yes I made an argument for pc in a non-pc way coz I like being the oil patch on the stairs that nobody notices until they break something. I guess it only applies as long as it doesn't affect the supporter of it personally. If it does it's okay to be a bastard again eh?

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  • Pretty much all women are BPD. Those that aren't, are something even more worthy of running from, like bipolar, depressive, psychotic, whatever.

    The only difference is in degree.

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  • Dating someone with BPD is hard? Try having it and being discriminated against for having an illness. It's no different than if you said dating someone with brain cancer or Parkinson's is "hard".
    And it's clear from everything you wrote that you didn't do any actual scientific reading on what borderline personality disorder is. The term "BPD" isn't a diagnoses, but a category for a whole plethora of mental disorders: antisocial, asocial, bipolar, Avoidant Personality disorder, disassociative identity disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

    Everybody thinks they're a psychologist, but it takes several months and sometimes years to properly diagnose if a person has a personality disorder at all.

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  • Mental health issues are a myth

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  • Most women are developing these traits nowadays.

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  • Run like hell man. I dated one girl like this at the beginning of the year she made my life stressing. I'm glad that you done with her. They jump from one romantic relationship to another like Mario.
    They use self harming or risky sex to cool up their moods.
    I found out later that she slept with over 60 guy and she is only 19 like wtf.. she never told me she was mentally sick until we had sex and saw the scars on her body..

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    • Jesus. Did she reveal that to you or you ask her? regarding the 60+ sex partners.

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    • @bloodmountain1990 No.. that's the thing they see how is your personality like and according to that they will change their colors..
      For me it matters because I want to stay healthy I don't want any STD's.

    • They're like a chameleon and in a very bad way

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