I remember being in the 1st grade and I had a crush on this cute brunette girl, I remember telling her that "I liked her" and her bluntly saying that she liked "someone else". I can't remember the extent of the details beyond that point but I can recall how I felt (obviously hurt and disappointed).
I also can remember another event similar but different, this happened when I was in the 5th grade (this one I recall a little clearer). I remember I was in a grade 5/6 split class that year, and I as well as other boys in the class had a crush on this tall cute blonde who did figure skating & ballet (also I was skater boy *cue* the Avril Lavigne references). I remember a mutual attraction started to occur between her and I, and she would create subtle and not so subtle hints that she was into me, she also was very protective (maybe because she was a few inches taller than me and a year older) but she felt a need to protect me from other students and whatever else.
*Haha I remember her chasing one of my classmates around after he kicked me, she started hitting him with her slipper if I recall correctly.
Anyway, because she was so overprotective towards me I started to expect her to defend me... I remember this girl who I didn't get along with started arguing with me on the bus home from school, at some point I jokingly said something along the lines of "you better stop now or my girlfriend will beat you up" she was shocked by that statement and asked me who my girlfriend was - that's when I awkwardly said her name - "Megan".
Fast-forward a few weeks (maybe a few months), the teacher was out of the class and myself and the rest of the students were just doing whatever. I remember hearing the cute blonde "Megan" and a few other people gossiping, one of the things they were talking about was who they "liked" and to my overwhelming relief I heard her mention me. Shortly after one of the girls from the group came over and told me and said that "Megan" wanted to meet me after school, I remember being so excited and nervous because we were going to finally share how we felt about each other.
I remember standing outside after school anxious and trembling, when "Megan" came over she was also with the girl I was arguing with on the bus. Instead of an exchange of "I like you" I was welcomed with disdain, the girl I liked was upset and angry that I referred to her as my "girlfriend" and told me "it wasn't right" as well as saying few other things I can't really remember and shortly after walked away with the people she came with (including the girl I argued with on bus).
I can't remember much after that besides her and I never really speaking again/her complete & utter lose of interest in me and also seeing her the following year kissing another guy (a new student) that ended up becoming her boyfriend before she graduated and went off to high school.
But why did I share that, what was the significance?
Well... because it shares the same theme of disappointment & letdown like every other attempt of romance I've ever experienced since.
There's mistakes I've made.
Like the story above (being too cocky about "Megan's" affection for me/willingness to protect/take care of me as well as making a bold statement to a girl that I wasn't aware was her friend as well as giving our mutual crush a title it hadn't deserved yet because we weren't officially in a relationship... as well a few other mistakes I can't remember) and the events/opportunities that have happened more recently, so I have to admit where I was wrong and I'm trying to learn/grow from those mishaps... BUT I can't help but feel a little cheated and treated unfairly when looking back on them all.
I don't feel like digging up the past *entirely* and the stories I shared so far are at least kind of cute and innocent compared to the shit I've seen/experienced in recent years amongst friends, girlfriends and things people do at nightclubs & bars, but it's still cruel.
But I've been in situations where I could have been the "bad guy" and I chose not to, like situations where alcohol & drinking was involved and I didn't feel like following through because it felt like I was taking advantage of a "drunk chick" and instead of the girl seeing it like that she was instead offended that I didn't basically drunk fuck her.
And other situations like when I was still a virgin plus the girl I eventually lost my virginity to both laughing at me when they realized I was/still was one... which was incredibly fucked up in hindsight, hell even then.
But I'm going to stop there because I can go on and progressively get worse but I'd rather have a point to this Mytake than me just venting/reliving shitty past experiences.
So instead I'm going to spam a few YouTube videos 😉
andalso one more***Okay I don't agree with everything expressed in those videos and there's plenty more I could share but I wanted to share a little bit of variety of thought.
I'd love to talk about PUA, MGTOW, Incels, MRA, Feminism and so on but maybe another time... because that's not the point of this mytake.
I'll be very honest with all who are reading - my success/experiences have been pretty limited in comparison to some (especially people my age - 30) but almost identical to other's which is upsetting in a different way, because if the problem was just me, that's fine, it just means I need to fix myself.
But when I see so many people struggling with the same thing, it's a societal problem that I don't know how to resolve, so why bother?
Which brings me to my next subject - losing desire and lack of interest in pursuing anyone.
...but I need to backtrack 1st (I'll also try to condense this).
In 2015 I had my 1st real attempts at relationships and one night stands with the "exes" of some friends of mine (not proud of that).
Like the stories above, one was a blonde and the other was a brunette.
The Blonde would regularly go to night clubs and rock concerts, she loved to dress provocative and show off her body in tight and risque clothing, she was very outgoing and sexually free/carefree, but very difficult, insecure and a major brat because she was the only child to a rich father.
The Brunette was more quiet & subdued, very much the girl next door, painfully cute, smart, came from a broken family and dressed fairly modest but was secretive, dysfunctional, and a conning manipulator unlike any girl I had seen... and loved to sleep around & cheat on whoever she was seeing (they both did actually).
Both girls were flawed but I didn't know that, and both threw themselves at me in the same few months in the summer of 2015... and I chased them both relentless when they pulled away because I was unaware of female nature and especially girls like that, and I was very much desperate and broken in a different way that I wasn't aware of yet.
They both fucked with my head that year (the death of childhood friend didn't help either) that sent me in a frenzy, I completely shaved my beard off and cut my hair on New Years Eve 2016 because I wanted to make changes - I wanted to meet girls that were better & unlike them.
...but I never did, I came across the same type of girls with just different names & appearances but the same bad behaviour, the same "fuck you" mentality and total disregards for anyone but themselves (and especially guys).
In 2016 I got into PUA and self help, I started going out to night clubs and bars frequently, but found it all frustrating and disingenuous, I also tried online dating but it seemed like a massive waste of time.
***The only thing enjoyable about online dating, was making a fake profile with pictures of an obscure handsome model and some bullshit bio like "fresh out of prison, only looking for hookups and big booty bitches, if you're not down with rough sex swipe left bish..."
And once you get tons of matches (because no gives a F about anything but your appearance and pictures on dating apps, it's all purely superficial), start conversations/respond back with the most obscene stupid BS you can think of... continue doing so until you get bored or banned from the dating app.
like this video...
In late 2016 and early 2017 I had a few dates, a few flings and almost relationships, I felt like I was starting to gain traction & momentum, sure things weren't going the way I wanted but it felt achievable.
BUT... I was putting a lot effort into this, I was watching PUA and self help videos everyday, and for the amount of effort & time I spent on this, I felt frustrated with the little to nothing I was getting back.
When I started a band in 2017, a lot of this got sidetracked because I'd rather focus myself on art & music but I was distracted because I was lonely and craved sex/affection and a relationship.
I also started to get into MGTOW ideas and because of mass shootings & whatnot I started to become more and more aware of Incels, hypergamy, and other negative factors revolving around dating and mate selection (including my own experiences).
It felt like I was experiencing the same thing over and over again, some young cute girl would show interest, I'd try to find a way to make it work or at least have anything happen but it would always fall apart in the end.
Each year I felt like I was getting better, but the end of 2018/early 2019 broke me and I haven't been able to make any real progress since.
Around 2016/2017 I noticed girls would start throwing my age in my face (I was in my late 20s approaching 30) it never really bugged me, I just viewed it as "shit tests" (that's a PUA term). This would mainly happen because the girls that were interested in me were usually 18 to 23, and that's what I was aiming for because of a variety of reasons (like preference, those where the only girls showing interest in me because I'm immature/look fairly young and most men prefer younger women), one of those being my own underdevelopment when it comes to love/sex & relationships due to lack of experiences (especially meaningful ones).
In 2018 I had a lot of girls interested in me who were 18/19/20 years old, I tried so hard to try to make something work with any of them & went on "dates" with a few of them but nothing more besides that.
My fear of age, my scorn for women my own age or older was fuelling this desire for a young & beautiful girl that I could try to build something with *holy god that sounds creepy in text like that but whatever*.
But my efforts were in vain, and just like the stories before it all ended in disappointment.
I met a lot of these girls through the creative arts world and we'd go out in a group to go dancing or to open mics and so on, so in a way it was like a large group of acquaintances.
There was a few girls in particular that I was very attracted to but some would always mock my age, my hair, my style. I eventually got frustrated by my failed attempts to make something happened so I changed my hair, my style but it didn't matter, I couldn't change my age or their perception of me.
Eventually the group dissolved like many groups I've been apart of in the past, and it didn't end on good terms with some of them because we are no longer friends or in contact (stupid high school like drama is responsible for that, some people can't play nice and most people in this group turned out to be two faced).
All of it felt childish, immature and pointless and when my father ended up in the hospital in December 2018 and when I turned 30 in February 2019, I didn't feel like chasing or pursuing anymore - I felt old, and what I wanted was no longer viable.
And that brings me to where I am now - over it.
I want to say that I've been defeated but it feels more like quitting without any emotions attached to it.
There's plenty of things I could have done differently or could do differently right now but it doesn't feel worth it, I'd rather live my life by myself and find what makes me happy.
2019 was pretty much dead in comparison to the prior years when it comes to dating but the desire wasn't there, I feel numb when it comes to this, I just don't care anymore and I think that's sad that it's gotten to this point.
I still go out regularly, I'm still very social and try to do new things and meet new people but I'm not going to jump through hoops or try to move mountains to win the approval from people especially girls/women who are unappreciative and lack common curtesy.
In conclusion my point is this...
Guys, take care of yourself 1st & foremost, don't chase these girls because they'll have you running forever, there's plenty of amazing things you can do so don't settle, unless you meet someone who is willing to work with you and add value to your life they're not worth the sacrifice of time + effort... and don't become some douchebag trying to be a fuckboi, it's pathetic and laughable and I've removed some people from my life who decided to go down that path.
And Girls, you need to treat men better, you expect the world from us but offer nothing in return - how is that fair? It's so frustrating how uncooperative & unreasonable you girls can be when it comes to certain double standards. It feels like negotiating with terrorist & dictators, this is unacceptable, I wish women had to feel/experience the same criteria placed on men... but you do actually when you begin to age and you can't use sex as a bargaining chip anymore to get what you want.
(this applies to both genders)
Don't be a hoe, don't be a self-centred narcissist, try be understanding, but don't be a pushover, have boundaries, don't allow people to mistreat/neglect you, you deserve better, and if you don't - work on it.
Thanks for reading this long-winded explanation of trial & error.
***What's your thoughts/experiences on the dating, relationships, or anything else I touched on in this article?
Take Care... especially of yourself.
#mytake #dating #GirlsAskGuys #men #women #girls #guys #mgtow #pua #incels
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