This is going to be a bit like a journal, but I just want to write it all out.
I don't know if I'm actually a narcissist, in the strictest sense of the word. I'm generally self-aware and very critical of myself (hyper-critical some might say). I've got a lot of long-term friends, I have a good relationship with many of my family members; never a romantic relationship though.
However, if you look at any one of those million articles with a title like, "7 Types of Guys NOT to Date", then chances are I've been at least two or three of those types at different points in my life.
I know I have a bad temper that I generally direct inward, I have a tough time trusting that other people want to be around me or care about me and I am afraid that given the chance I would be emotionally abusive. I was abused as a child, so I have to forgive myself for this deficit, but I cannot forget that it exists within me, and I need to distance myself from other people accordingly.
Furthermore, I'm not very attractive (I'm short and the nicest thing you could probably say about me is that I'm "interesting looking"), and while I would say that I am well-off, hard-working and courageous, I would not say that I am "established" or "ambitious". When I realized I would never date, I decided not to settle down and I hop from country to country, glutting on experiences and trying to live the best life I can, without much thought of wealth or living past fifty.
Still, I feel sad about my self-imposed celibacy for two reasons: one is purely selfish and one is purely shame. I'm indifferent toward sex, so that isn't a reason.
I selfishly want a relationship, like I imagine almost everyone does. Someone to give to and compliment (this doesn't sound selfish, but it is, because it's something I want FOR me). Someone to hold. Someone to trust and collaborate with. Someone to keep company with.
The second reason, shame, is because as a man, I feel that I should have a relationship and if I don't, then there must be something wrong with me. This one is silly, but it's still present. I think that is why a lot of bad, evil men like me do seek out relationships. Because they don't want anyone to know that there is something wrong.
In the past, this made me suicidally depressed and filled me with self-loathing. It's getting better the longer I live with it, which means it is possible to accept this. I hear it gets easier as you get older. I just hope the feeling of emptiness eventually goes away.
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Thank you. And don't feel to bad, is it wrong to be better than animals? Why should sex drive all our actions?
I would choose instead to improve myself, but that's just how I think.
Well, we are animals at the end of the day. Just a wild pack of family dogs.
I have been trying to improve myself for years. Seems futile though.
We are chief among animals, so we pick our desires. We can be more violent or caring than any other beast. We can be nymphos or pick some other, less rational urge. Available choice separates us.
And why does it seem futile? I'm ugly, and pudgy, and I like to give out extremely clever and mean comments, but women like me. Your appearance isn't the problem. Anything other than your physical issues can be fixed. Try developing some degree of resolve first.
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