A few weeks ago, I met up for a drink with a former colleague of mine, whom I hadn't seen for a few years. Pretty soon, our conversation moved to the subject of another person we'd both worked with, whose budding political career spectacularly exploded two years ago, in a very public scandal involving drugs, sex and blackmail, which tragically involved a young man taking his own life, and resulted in the resignation of a government minister.
The chap I was drinking with referred to the person we were discussing as a "textbook narcissist". I casually agreed with that, but it was only later on that I discovered that there was more to that term than I had previously understood.
As a child, I was quite interested in Greek mythology, a lot of which I've now only got a fairly hazy recollection of. I did remember the story of Narcissus, though, a young man who had fallen in love with his own reflection, so much so that he stared at it, until he died of starvation. To that end, I understood a narcissist to be somebody who believed, often in the face of better evidence, that the sun shone out of his own backside. We've all met people like this. A person with a misplaced sense of self confidence, in other words. An egoist.
However, I was wrong about this. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a recognised condition, although precise definitions of it vary, and continue to be debated.
Wikipedia currently lists the following traits, as being evident in narcissists, to varying degrees
An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
A lack of psychological awareness
Difficulty with empathy
Problems distinguishing the self from others
Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults
Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
Haughty body language
Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
Pretending to be more important than they actually are
Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
Denial of remorse and gratitude
These were certainly character traits displayed in some abundance by the person who was the subject of our conversation, and it drew me into looking into this condition in more depth.
Born or Made?
Narcissism tends to run in families, apparently, leading some experts to argue that, to a certain extent, it's genetic. Others, however, contend that it is the environment in which an individual spends their early childhood, which can be pivotal in the development of the condition.
Parenting styles that can apparently lead to narcissism include neglect, over-indulgence and the promotion of self-entitlement, and / or overcontrolling methods, which insist on perfection. A narcissist parent may derive supply from the perceived achievements of a child, or equally project a negative role onto a child, that of never being good enough.
So, it would seem that narcissism is possibly one of the worst gifts a parent can give.
The Lady is a Narc
I've only personally encountered narcissism in men, in whom it is apparently more common, although it is a condition which either gender can suffer from.
I don't find it all that easy to envisage what a female narcissist would be like, but there is a wealth of information available online, not all of it especially useful, but some of it helps to paint a picture.
The Narcissist in your Life
Working alongside a narcissist is tiresome, as I can personally attest to, and I would absolutely hate to work for a narcissist.
What is far more trying, however, is having a narcissist in your personal life.
Both of these subjects will be covered in more depth in a subsequent take.
Types of Narcissist
There is some academic debate about the various types of narcissism, but the following division seems to be helpful
Overt Narcissism
Covert Narcissism
Introverted (Co-Dependent) Narcissism
Suffice to say the three are all different, with only the overt narcissist really conforming to most people's stereotypes, in terms of their behaviour. Again, there's too much here, so I'll cover this separately, as well.
If you're not a narcissist, then good for you, but I still found it was a fascinating subject to research, and to gain something of an insight into - there are many facets of the condition that may impact upon you if there is a narcissist in your life, and there are strategies you can adopt to mitigate their impact.
Forewarned is forearmed, as the saying goes, and it feels particularly appropriate in this instance...
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