Long term boyfriend wants to see other women...Need Advice!!

I've gotten a lot of feed back from girl friends, and although I would love some female feed back, I would really appreciate the feed back of guys.

So here's the info, bare with me on this:

Situation = My long term boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for two years exclusively. I live in Colorado and he lived in New Mexico. We saw one another every month and spent holidays together and summers together.

A month ago he moved to California for graduate school. Last week he asked me if he could see other women because 1.) his school in NM was nearly an all boy school and he feels robbed of the general dating experience and 2.) because he wants to make sure that I'm really the one for him while I finish my last semester at school and 3.) He misses female contact.

He promises that this situation in only temporary while I'm in Colorado, that our relationship will be more serious and exclusive once I move out there, that there will be no sex with these other relations (although kissing isn't out of the question), that he will disclose all details of the dates with me, and that he will inform the women (eventually) that he has a girlfriend. He also says I'm free to date as well.

Issue = I don't like this.

I have been loyal to a fault in the relationship, given 100% and bent over backwards for his happiness. He's asked so much of me in the way of cooking, cleaning, the way I dress (practically domestication before I drew a line in the sand). I have never cheated, never wavered, and have been there for him when ever he's needed me. I'm not the kind of person who can half-ass it in a relationship and I would drive all night if he were ever in trouble.

On top of that, he says that if I wasn't willing to compromise with him on seeing other women that he would resent me and possibly break up with me. That sounds like an ultimatum no matter how you slice it.

He asked me to start seeing other women a week ago and I agreed for the time being. Yesterday he went out on a date with a girl and asked her for a second date without telling her about me and I had a little stress break down with him on the phone. I HATE this!

Question: His logic makes sense the way he describes it, but my insides are screaming foul. What do I do? Am I "over reacting" as he puts it, or am I lying to myself? Is this a typical thing men, specifically young men at 22, need to figure out or am I being played?

Please help!

We broke it off; thanks for all the advice. This needed to happen.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I have to give him credit for being honest about it, but, ultimately, no one can stand the thought of their significant other wanting to be with other men or women. Personally, I'd have to back out or go insane. It's just not healthy. Love always protects, and this does nothing to protect you, and, in fact, seems to do the opposite. I'd tell him that you love him (if you do, and it sounds like it) and have no desire to be with other men, and can't believe he truly loves you if he doesn't feel the same. Tell him to do as he wished, but that you're not going to wait around for him to play the field. It's either a committed relationship, or it's not. Just my opinion.

    • Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to give me a thoughtful answer; it was very helpful.

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What Guys Said 3

  • Firstly I think this is selfish bullsh*t on his part. How can he feel "robbed" of his dating experience, its not like there is a quota that people need before they can settle down. The fact of the matter is he isn't getting what he wants from you, which is typical in long distance relationships. You don't go from being in a serious relationship to being in an open relationship.

    His logic is ridiculous, if he wants to see other women, then he shouldn't be with you at all. You should do yourself a favor and break up with him because he's just taking advantage of you.

    My first love did the same thing, and I did the BS open relationship thing for a while. It will tear you up inside more than any break up, SO DONT DO IT!

    • Thanks a lot for taking the time to give me another opinion. The more people I hear from the better prepared I am to make a decision and I really appreciate your honesty.

  • I would calmly and rationally take it as an official breakup. Move on and have as much fun as possible. Stop obsessing. Your only hope is turning the tables.

    Yes, you are being played.

    • Thanks for the honesty, I really appreciate it.

  • if your the type of woman who has EVER left him home alone, to have a "ladies only night" with your fellow girlfriends, making him think that you are enjoyin being hit on by guys at bars ect.

    then you got no ground to stand on!

    • No, I am not that type of woman. I do not go to bars, put my self in situations where I puposely try to garner un wanted attention, and never treated my other with disrespect or callousness. I love my boyfriend with all that I am and I treat him with the same respect I would want to be treated with.

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